Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Hopefully, you'll think of something that will take you out of the house this weekend. Anyone need new shoes or has outgrown a needed item of clothing? Haircut?

I know it's hard, but try to think of the 'silent treatment' as a blessing in disguise. If he's silent, he isn't saying hurtful things or asking questions you don't want to answer. The 'weight' of the silent treatment can feel heavy, but try to turn it to your advantage.

If the bungalow doesn't work out, you'll find another place. If you're turned down, remember, that's just a gate you had to go through, it's not a stone wall you can't get past.

It's natural to have sleep problems when you're facing a big change. You can either just struggle through it using relaxation techniques, or see your GP for short term anxiety meds.

My job is yes. My probation is due to expire on 29th Feb (which doesn't exist obviously) so they would have had to have given me written (one month) notice by 28th that they are not planning on taking me on permanently...so that's tomorrow. If I don't get a letter in the post tomorrow saying "thanks but no thanks" then I will be perm as of Monday.

I think

Have been looking this up a fair bit on net recently.

As an aside, am I totally wrong to be deeply envious of my bloody cat right now who is happily sleeping away near me very contentedly? bastard! why cant I sleep like that?

X-post sorry AcrossthePond Id ideally like to not spend anything this weekend if possible.

I'd prefer the silent treatment to be honest, I find it harder to deal with the "breezy" I have been to GP before for anxiety problems (going through horrendous court case with ex over contact issues with my lovely little one) I'll keep tabs on myself, am hoping that IF we can get away next weekend as I am hoping we can, then my stress/anxiety will abate a bit.

I want to come back as a cat in the next life!

That pint of freedom sounds very very sweet.

chris just noticed massive typo/mistake...my 6 month probation expires on 29th March, not Feb, so the months notice needs to be given to me by 29th Feb (if that makes any sense)

Sorry!

That's what they tend to care about, the permanent contract, so hopefully that's all you'll need :)

And yes I completely understand the envy of the cat :o

Not long now.

whatthe we so will do this, I promise you X

yes we will.

He's finally agreed to move out and is phoning around estate agents now. He's going to stay away this weekend. He's finally being reasonable. One day you will feel this relief I promise you. Xx

Thats fabulous news for you whatthe I hope you have a peaceful weekend with him away.

No idea what kind of weekend is coming for me right now. I have the FEAR and the nerves right now. I so WANT to be in the position where I can tell him we are actually going, next week.

I don't thank him for not even offering to go somewhere to give us some space, actually EXPECTING me to go, and uprooting my gorgeous little girl, who has been through so much. Or actually staying here, with him; while he is in Jekyll and Hyde mode. No thanks!

How damaging this is going to be for her? and putting a massive dent in to how I feel about him to the point where I think, once I've gone that's fucking it as he seems only interested in his own needs.

I am still so angry he never even offered it. Has absolutely no intention of it either.

Oh! and he still hasn't looked at getting us counselling by the way. I asked him about it the other day (Monday?) and said, well have you?

He justifies himself to himself in this way all the time. I haven't done it, then nor should he. I said it; so he should, but even more vindictively!

Please powers that be, give us this chance to get away! I am pretty sure if I get it then the counselling will suddenly appear. While I am here, stuck and feeling trapped I am not going to see any of it.

Once you leave, he may well beg you to go to counselling. Mine did! I just kept repeating, it's too late.

It's not advisable to go to joint counselling with an abusive partner anyway I don't think.

Could you go and stay at a friend's tonight or one day this weekend? You could tell him she is having relationship problems and needs a friend?

I can handle him either way whatthe have plenty of experience. Once i know what mode he is in then Ill know what to do (if that makes sense?)

I am really not sure about the counselling anyway but I need to offer that carrot if I am going to get away as peacefully as possible?

No idea if there is anything left to salvage from this at all.

I totally get that.

Once you get away, you will be able to reflect on stuff without the oppressive moods to deal with. And then you can decide whether there is anything to salvage.

Good luck, stay strong, keep posting.

Oh those oppressive moods......

Fuck 'em, fuck him!

(not you obviously, I'm sounding off)

Just got text from my lovely manager, wanting to know if I am back at work next week. The referencing company have already been in touch with her and that bit is completed, haven't asked about the probation thing yet though. Its like I don't want to know but yet I do! I just don't want to ask...what did she say???

Said, unlikely to be back next week and gave brief details of recent shit and worrying about stuff. NEED to move, so desperately!

Fuck!

Need to sign off work with GP

Forgot about that bit

Argh, have you not managed to get to the GP to be signed off for next week? You might have to do it first thing Monday morning then.

Whatthe - excellent news on your stbex saying he'll leave but don't crack open the champagne until he's actually left - there's many a slip 'tween cup and lip, and even if he's looking for accommodation, that might just be a stalling exercise while he decides there's "nothing out there" for him. Sorry to piss on your excitement, but I learnt long ago that there are no lows too low for these men to sink to and it's best to be prepared for the worst. :(

Stay strong, both of you - the end is in sight!

Thumb, thank you yeah, unfortunately I know you're right. Hopefully our suspicions will be proved wrong though.

He has potentially found somewhere about half an hour from our flat. It's a room in a house that his friend owns and lives in. He had recently found a tenant, but he said he'd try and stop that from happening so he can have the room. Could potentially be perfect.

Thumb, I have totally just forgotten!

I don't actually think my thought processes have been brilliant recently. So bloody focussed on getting away!

Will phone first thing Monday, idiot me!

Youngest DD now knows. Random throwaway comment she has made today led to us talking about it!

DH home now, not in breezy or ignore mode. Just taken himself upstairs.

Sorry I forget, how old is your youngest?

Him going straight upstairs...at least you don't have to face him yet!!

Will she be able to keep it quiet, do you think?

Youngest DD knowing would be a bit of a relief to me, provided she was 'ok' about it.

Steve, are you sure about being off next week? If you are on prob at your workplace, are you sure it won't affect anything? I'm only saying because where I used to work, it was VERY frowned upon for a probationary employee to take off for more than a day or two & could be a reason for not retaining that person. Sorry, I don't mean to give you more to worry about. Labour laws may be different in the UK, but here a probationary employee has no 'rights' as it were and even a Dr signing them off wouldn't help as you can be let go during that period for no reason at all.

If he's upstairs, let him just stay there! Better than having him pouting or 'breezing' about.

He is downstairs again now after a power nap, currently in breezy mode. It won't last.

Glad to see my name change request finally went through, thankyou MN.

whatthe youngest is 11

thumb she has said she won't say a thing but she is happy we are going to move away from misery. She wants us to "stay together" . Said I should give him "another chance" bless her little heart!

across nothing I can do right now. No idea what is going to happen with my current job. If I fail all the tests with this new place I am going to just have to up sticks and go. I don't want to do this at all, I am hoping work want to keep me as much as I want to stay with them.

I have no fear work-wise. I can work anywhere, and there is always jobs for me all over the country, no matter where I am at.

If I have to move again though, out of area.. This is going to be another brick in the wall against me and dh ever working things out. By virtue of not offering to go and give us some space, if this leads to me having to move her and her school. I will hate him forever.

Um. I'm glad she's happy to be mioving away from misery, and hope that makes her realise that the misery stemmed from him. She's a kindhearted little thing but she's already normalising the "stay together at all costs" scenario, so that, for me, would strengthen my resolve to "get out at all costs".

I did wonder about you being signed off for another week - if your boss is truly being very understanding, then that's great but I would seriously consider going in and having a face to face chat with her, to explain that this particular stress period is almost done with and you will be back on top of stuff ASAP. And perhaps ask if there is any work you can do from home, if that doesn't violate your being signed off thing. Just to show willing, you know? Or perhaps, since you haven't been signed off again yet, ask for some flexible working hours, if you're at all worried that another week might jeopardise your future there.

I've obviously missed why you've taken time out - it is for stress, isn't it?

Totally agree with pp about work. If you can try and go in, or show willing, or talk face to face, or work from home. Just anything to make your manager see that you are worth keeping on? If possible xx