Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Thanks Thumbwitch

I contacted my work employment support team earlier and have had a bit of legal advice. Not totally necessary at the moment as I am not planning on filing for divorce but did get some helpful information about legal seperation/finances etc so know where to go if needed.

I have also just got off the phone from my local Womens Aid, they were extremely helpful and I now have a list of things to gather together over the next few days. If we are successful in securing one of these properties tomorrow I am going to book a man and a van for the the tenancy starts and just go, hopefully while he is at work. To prevent any possibility of this situation escalating as I'm a bit worried it might.

Hate to do this to him really but to be fair he has left me no choice.

It feels a little more clear in my head now but I am still wracked with nerves

Keep strong honey xx

Sounds like you're getting it together (your head as well as your plans ).

I don't know how much stuff you're taking with you, but try to have it staged for ease of removal. Have a removal plan. If there are things you can remove ahead of time, do that. My DH got my BFF's abusive XH out of the house overnight on a pretext and we (friends & family) moved her out whilst he was gone because he threatened her with harm if she left. If it's at all possible to have him gone, even part of the time, that can be helpful.

One of the things that BFF did was to become real cold-hearted about 'stuff'. I mean she pared her list down. I kept picking up or pointing out things in the house that she loved, but she just said "No, I'm traveling light today". Some of the things she did manage to get later, some she told us to take (she gave me a teapot & cups/saucers that were her mother's. I'm still 'holding them for her' 22 years later), other things were lost to her because he either destroyed them or sold them.

As far as the money, can you act like a 'pouty little woman' who's 'having a strop' and not putting the money into the joint account rather than telling him that you need it to move out? Don't do it if it will cause a huge scene, but if you can it may buy you a couple more days of planning time.

Brilliant! Well done on all fronts.

I note you say you are not planning on filing for divorce - is that just because at the moment, it seems like too big a step? Because you will need to divorce him in the end, to get him out of your life. There is no point staying married to him once you have left, he's not going to change, however much he says he is - if you ever went back to him, he'd be good to start with and then start it all over again, straw by straw. And even if you can bear it, your DD can't. :(

Well he has come home today in a very bright and breezy mood, very chatty (mostly with dd) asked me how I am, still thinks I have been at work when I didn't respond with the bright and breezy manner he is showing then said would I prefer if he didn't speak. I said that I am finding it difficult to just ignore what has been going on and can't just pretend everything is ok, like he is doing right now. It's almost infuriating but I am not going to rise to it.

Acrossthepond, I am going to have to hope that once I am out he is going to be reasonable about the collection of the non essential stuff really. So sweet about that tea set, although I wonder if your friend has forgotten about them? I've decided not to say anything about the money until he does. I can feign a problem with payroll which can tide me over for a few days.

Thumbwitch, I'm not even thinking any further than just getting out and the headspace I so desperately need right now. That first night, in my own space, with no atmosphere.... It feels like a an impossible dream right now but it's my focus.

Good, keep focusing. :)

Start to move stuff out of the house that he won't notice, put it in your car, or a friend's place, or your adult DD's place until you move. There is a risk he won't allow you back in once you move, there is a risk that he will deliberately damage your belongings out of spite, there is a risk that he will use them as bargaining chips - so yes, you need to take what is most important to you. While he thinks you are at work, this is good - because then you can move out while he is at work, get that group of friends to come and help you, hire a man with a van and take what you need. You can do it all in a matter of a few hours.

Hi thumbwitch, adult dd is living with us at the moment and it's one of the things keeping me sane, that she knows and she is a support to me. Have discussed with her the practicalities of moving and said we are probably going to have to do it all on the day. Sadly a lot of my friends are not local so it's just going to be me and her when it boils down to it, I'm sure we will be fine though.

Do you have rental storage places there? Here you can rent a small locked room (as small as 10' x 8') or larger (garage sized) and pay a monthly fee for storage. It's not that expensive here. If you think there are things you'd like to get out ahead of time or things that you can't fit right away in your new place, maybe you could rent storage on a short term basis.

Consider getting things you can box up and he won't miss into storage ahead of time can help. Most of us have things important to us boxed up in the attic or spare closet, like photo albums, extra clothing, etc. Maybe even a few dishes and cookware. Then when moving day actually comes all you have to move quickly are the heavy things. Then get the other stuff out of storage at your leisure.

Moving BFF was her, me, her teenage DSS and 2 of his friends and she didn't have any lead time to pre-pack. We had 2 cars and 1 pickup. Does your daughter have any friends who could pitch in or know any young men you could pay a bit to help?

Hi Acrossthepond, I don't want to do anything to raise any suspicion right now and removing bits and pieces from here will definitely do that.

I'm thinking if worst comes to worse I will just have to come here when he is at work and take my stuff that way (he is not going to be able to change the locks easily as we have a composite (spelling?) door with specific keys) I am still hoping he is going to be reasonable when the time comes as I am leaving him with a small carrot, that I intend to go to counselling with him to sort things out so hopefully he will play along.

I am going to need to take both my daughters beds so they will definitely be noticed

Hi, I've just found this thread and wanted to give you a ((hug)) and say well done for seeing the light and acting on it

I'm in a similar position to you right now, having been married for over 10 years to someone who is not parent to my DCs. I am determined to leave and am looking for somewhere for me and teen DS to move in the next few months- probably with adult DD and her little family funnily enough!

We went to counselling over a year ago but he's back to being an arse. He seems to have no idea that I want out that badly, despite the fact that we have had not so much as a peck on the cheek since a row in mid January. The elephants are stomping round the room but he refuses to see them!

I went back alone to see our original counsellor recently and she advised me to move out while he's at work one day, to avoid the inevitable drama. I can't see me doing that- too scared he'd catch me in the act!- but I won't be giving him much warning, and none at all until my plans are 100% secure. I have made an announcement that I'm decluttering though and mentally listing what I'm taking. DS has unfortunately put a bit of a spanner in the works by breaking his wrist at the weekend, but it has had the unexpected bonus of making DH be nicer to him

These men will not change. They think there's nothing wrong with their behaviour so why would they? Meanwhile, decent women like us get conned into believing that they will be our happy ever after, before slowly, insidiously, becoming our worst nightmare.

When I left DDs violent dad many years ago, I'd convinced myself that she hadn't seen or been affected by anything, she was under 5. It was only when we moved into our new home and the bed wetting suddenly stopped that I realised that I had been so wrong.

It will get worse before it gets better, but this way it DOES get better

Thank you so much marriednotdead, it sounds as if we are in a very similar position to each other. I'm so sorry you are also going through this.

We had counselling before we got married funnily enough, this was to tackle the communication issues we were having. Things improved for about a year, we got married and now we are back at square one. I feel as though I have been cheated out of the last six years of my life to be honest!

This morning I have gone through my finances, checking how much I have going in and going out just to confirm I can afford these two houses I am going to view today with DD and the good news is that it is totally manageable, might even be able to continue encouraging my girl to carry on saving and start a little savings fund of my own. So Im feeling a bit happier today.

I am going to be "decluttering" too after today , just keep your fingers crossed for me about a new place to move to.

Thank you for your lovely post

Steve and Married - you both sound very level headed and determined. Well done, you can do it.

YY - these men will never change. They do not see anything wrong with their behaviour. Even after presenting him with a (very long) list of all the mean, spiteful, hurtful things he has done to me over the years...he still does not get it. Sigh.

These men won't know what's hit them! Hurrah for us!

We viewed one place this morning; was supposed to be two but Estate agent on the first one called to try and put the viewing back to 2pm. Not brilliant timing really. We decided to go and see the first one and if we hated it then we would go and see the second at 2pm.

However, there was "something" about that first place; it wasn't perfect in any way shape or form, we are certainly going to get to know our neighbours well as our gardens seem to merge! but assured by Estate agent they are quiet, we will see but they cannot possibly be worse that our current neighbours I'm sure of that!

Anyway, me and DD kind of sat in the car afterwards and we KNEW. I knew as soon as I walked around, I saw me and both DD's and our cat in that house, doing our stuff and being happy. Its 10 mins drive from a lovely looking beach, which the bus drives to in the summer! I don't know, it FELT good seeing us all there and imagining it!

We got home, we decided we wanted to go for it, and go for it we have done. Estate agent contacted landlord, explained situation, Landlord is very happy for us to proceed. So we now have the horrid waiting time to pass credit and reference checks. Told Estate agent we wanted to move asap and she said we could get in there by Saturday but...fuck... that's a bit quick! we have agreed moving date to 6th March. So next Friday we will be in that sweet little bungalow! Going to sort broadband tomorrow so I can at least update you all and stay in touch, and tell you all how bloody lovely it is being in a home with no more of this shit!

Hoping with all hope that I can pass a credit check on a "fair" have also texted my manager and asked nicely if she could "bypass" the fact I am still on probation for a another four weeks.

This could all go so horribly wrong on both these counts. Still not planning on saying anything to DH yet.

Oh, Steve. What a wonderful post to read . You are well on your way to freedom and happiness, I am very happy for you. Well done.

Hope so whatthe, hoping the "fair" credit check and the fact I am still on work probation doesn't stymie things

Worrying about the hurdles now!

I honestly think it will be fine.

The most important thing is, you have made the decision to leave. That is the crux of this. Anything else is just gravy (is that even the right expression?)

Oh it sounds lovely!! And near the beach! My idea of paradise!

Start right now mentally organizing. Make a mental list of 'what goes first' and make a mental plan of how you will physically move things. 'X' will need to be broken down, 'X' can go in a basket, I need 'X' dishes, linen, etc, so there won't be any 'dithering' next week. See if you can rustle up some of DD's friends & put them on standby. Might WA keep a list of movers or 'men with vans' that can be hired with short notice? Do you have an equivalent of our 'U-Haul' where you rent a van?

Remember, even if you leave with nothing but 'your hat and your handbag', you will be in a peaceful home. You will shut the door and he will be outside and have to stay there.

Keeping fingers crossed that all the credit checks, etc move swiftly. I'm sure it will be fine.

According - wooohoooo!!

Totally agree with start planning NOW. Check your local paper classified section for "man with a van" ads if WA don't have any. Even if your RL friends live far away, they might still be able to come and help - when I had to move out of my house (different reasons) people came from over an hour away to help me because they cared. Give your friends the opportunity to do the same for you; if you don't ask then they're not going to know you need the help. It's not embarrassing, it's important - and even if they can't come and help they might be able to offer good practical advice. Just do it!

Start to decide what goes and what stays - pack up all your paperwork safely and don't leave anything behind that will upset you if it gets destroyed/sold.

Also, as I said before, if you can copy anything important in relation to money/bills/legal stuff, do it. I know you're not at the point of thinking about divorce yet, but you will be one day, and you won't get the chance to access this info again once you've left.

Have you got a new phone yet?

Yay!!! So pleased for you. :D If J and I can pass a credit check for a house, then you certainly can! I'll try and visit in the summer if I can.

Oh Steve that is amazing news!! Go you!! The place sounds wonderful.

Thanks Lizzy XXX

Credit check, still four weeks to go on work probation and crap reference from previous landlords is probably going to ruin my chances right now I think.

Just had to complete an online form giving their details, they were total money grabbing tossers the last lot! told deposit protection guys I had left the house in a total state which was completely false but I didn't have any evidence to back me up (lesson learned there) was never late paying rent though so that might go in my favour, also have proof of this via bank statements.

Having so much FEAR though, having horrible dreams and disturbed sleep at the moment its awful I cant even nap during the day as the dreams seem so much more lucid then and are also disturbing

A positive...Got local paper today, have identified a few "man with van" ads that look cheap and cheerful so hopefully this part wont be a problem, if in fact I can manage to get somewhere to go next week.

Feel numb, stuck and in deep fear I wont actually be able to realise any of my plans at all /cry. Now we have a weekend in front of us I am dreading the fact; as he is going to be here all day for two whole days so I wont even get a break from him, we had the silent treatment again last night by the way, this was after the breeziness (mostly directed at DD) the night before.

If weather is nice I might have to find somewhere to go to with the girls to get out of here. Cant say anything to the youngest yet until I know for sure we are going.

This is all really really shit

You will get away! Even if something happened with this flat, you would still find another one.

Given the uselessness of your previous landlords, it's probably more likely they would just say "yeah she's fine" rather than even work out which tenant you were :)

And we got a mortgage whilst dh was on probation, so i know lots of places don't care about it.

Steve

I know it seems dark now but you will have these moments (god knows I have!!). But you will come through them. Keep strong, you can do it. If I can do it, so can you. Just keep going. I'm holding your hand. Keep posting, whatever you do xx

Im going to cling to that Chris just for now, I SO need something positive to cling to right now, anything will do.

whatthe I appreciate the hand holding, always do. Thank you so much lovely, I am mentally seeing us both, having our pint together one day and blessing our freedom!

Have no idea what version of DH is going to turn up from work today, the silent one is usually the easier one to handle as I can just ignore him. The breezy one is less easy to handle as he gets my DD on board with him and goes out to make me look like the arsehole as I am not speaking to him in the same manner he is speaking to me.

Tosser!

Just avoid him as much as you can, Steve.

Thinking about it, dh was on probation and I was on maternity leave! If they'll take us they'll take you. Is the job permanent?