Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

Lovely, happy vibes from that pic!

Oh god, please read the armpit thread it is hilarious

Lovely picture. Beautiful day.

Now off to find out about shagging armpits (!?!)

What a handsome cat.

Hope your other one comes back soon. When they get lost they're pretty much always stuck somewhere close by - can you go knocking on some doors and get people to check their sheds/garages (with you waiting, ideally, or with your phone number left with them if not)?

De lurking to say I think you're amazing.

Wow, mrsminton.

That is so lovely

Thank you so much x

All I can say is that our little home is lovely so far, quirky but lovely

Quirky is great
Enjoy your space. It's so lovely that you have it now.

We finally have internet access sorted out, although I haven't got my PC yet. Collecting that tomorrow. Youngest is going for her tea with DH tomrrow after school. He has been quite quiet mostly really, I am beginning to feel he is relieved we have gone.

Me and oldest DD finally have proper beds to sleep in...yay!

All other furniture bits have now arrived, computer desk and table and chairs.

I went back to work today and I was genuinely touched by every single person who smiled and grinned at me, every single person who was genuinely glad to see me back at work, all the hugs I received today! Wow!

Those who have asked me am I better now, I have told them I wasn't really off sick due to being sick and explained what had been going on.

I know I am going to be supported through this and I am so so grateful.

Youngest was walked into school today by my oldest. She managed to find her own way home after school today and she is so so chuffed about this.

Still no news about baby girl cat, which is devastating as it really does not look good now does it

Perhaps, like you, she has found a new home

I'd have run at the first list writing down how I fucked up in his eyes. and sulking in the garden for 2 hours

So sorry you are going through this OP, wishing you lots of strength to deal with it!

ifly I really really wish I had..isn't hindsight a wonderful thing!

christina the thought of that makes me sad, but cats will be cats won't they! I think she knew. She hasn't magically reappeared since I've been gone so it's safe to assume he didn't have anything to do with it..a question I have asked myself though, why hasn't he accused me of being involved somehow? After all it is very very co-incidental her going when she did isn't it!

De-lurking to say that you are doing brilliantly. So pleased for you that you found the strength to leave. I think you and your children will be very happy in your new home, quirky is good.

Great that you got a lot of support back at work, but no surprise as you sound lovely.

I hope your little cat turns up soon. A good few years ago my friends cat disappeared for about six weeks and she came back safe and sound of her own accord.

Wishing you all the best for the future

iwas thank you so very much, I have been following your thread too and cheering you on, in fact you have inspired me with your strength and resolve in such a shitty situation. Sincerely wish I could help you but I'm the one who has sucked so much strength from you and others from reading all you have been through.

I've no idea if or when things are going to take a shitty turn for me, who knows? But it feels so nice to know you have been reading my story and following me too. Hope that didn't sound stalkerish!

I had a cat disappear for weeks before too. I did tell DH that initially but he seems determined that something has happened to her, his comment about her going off on her own to die spooked me a bit if I'm honest. He has never really owned cats before he met me so hasn't a clue about them.

Great to hear you sounding so much better, According!

Now, look at these 2 phrases - I'm going to reverse them so you can see how ridiculous this is:

"He has never really owned cats before he met me so hasn't a clue about them."
"his comment about her going off on her own to die spooked me a bit if I'm honest."

He hasn't a clue. Ignore his doom mongering!

I hope she does come back, and that he tells you if/when she does, if she goes back there. I think she certainly knew change was coming, and got away because of the unsettled-ness - she'll be back somewhere, some time.

Well done on telling people at work the real reason you were off, and garnering support there - that's a great step forward.

Hope your DD has a nice time at your H's (for psychological distancing purposes, you really need to stop referring to him as "DH" since he isn't)

Thank you so much Steve, that's very kind. I don't really think my ex-DH's behaviour left me with much choice! There are a lot of wonderful, strong and supportive women on here.

Hopefully you will be spared the shitty turn and can go from strength to strength. No don't worry you didn't sound stalkerish, feeling quite humbled actually.

I'd like to have a cat again sometime, we have a dog who's a sweetheart, but ex-DH wasn't keen on cats whereas I love both. Hope yours turns up soon. Take care. x

I'm glad you've had such a welcome back to work, and your new house sounds like a home now. Take care of yourself. New beginnings

I'm so glad work are being so supportive.

You will have bad days and good days, but no matter what, your bad days won't be as bad as they were, and you won't have to worry about him hurting your dd's.

Sounds like you're making a wonderful home. I love the picture.

Every time I look in on this thread I keep thinking of the old CSN&Y song 'Our House'.

It's amazing how wonderful things can be when we just close our eyes and take that leap of faith.

Sorry to report, very sad news. I received a call from the microchip company today, our little baby girl has died. Looks as if she was run over (which at least was quick) and she is currently at the council depot. We are picking her up tomorrow and have looked into getting her cremated, we will probably plant a tree.

So so terribly sad about this, devastated

Feel empty and numb, she wasn't even two years old and had so much life in her. To know I am never going to see her again has broken me

Oh According - so very sorry to hear that! Your poor baby girlcat :(
It is heartbreaking, isn't it - the cat I got my Mum when I left home didn't make it past a year old before he was run over and killed, the council workers wouldn't even let Mum see the body, they just brought his collar home. It broke my heart completely - he was going to be such a big beautiful cat and it was all wasted :(

((((hugs)))) and for you - so very very sad for you. xxx

I'm so sorry, losing a pet is hard. I think a little harder for you right now because you've made so many changes in your life.

We lost one of ours 2 days ago, although he was a grand old gentleman of 15. He was our best 'critter-gitter'.

RIP kitties, old and young.

Thank you thumb it is bloody heartbreaking, I have so many cats waiting for me over the rainbow bridge right now I have always had lots of cats, the most at one time was six/seven (seven was the stray who found me but I re-homed after about a week)

We have our boy still (he is 6) he is a proper mummy's boy.

Thank Across the only saving grace for me right now is that we are here, I have no memories of her being here with us, I can picture her everywhere in our old house.

Oh god, I was at work today when the call happened, I don't think I have broken down and cried like I did then for a long long time. It almost felt embarrassing. Just HUGE, horrible, wracking, snotty sobs. I did have a lot of people around me to comfort me though, I'm lucky I am surrounded by caring people.

I still haven't even cried much about things breaking down so badly with H (referring to him as that now, point taken thumb - he is absolutely broken by this too)

Pets do that, According. I lost my first (and best!) guineapig shortly after my fiancé fucked off with someone else - he was devastated too, but it didn't change the fact that he was a faithless bastard. Just remember that and don't get sucked into any joint grieving with your H (well done on that :) )

You're still on that emotional roller coaster. And even in situations like yours, where separating is uppermost a relief, there is still pent up sadness. To all intents and purposes, I was overjoyed when my abusive ex hit the road. But since we probably won't cry (too much) over getting out, those tears have to come out some how. Of course, it will be in the most embarrassing way, right? I remember being in a car park and spilling a coke in my car. Sobbed like a baby. Normally I just would have sworn at myself whilst cleaning it up.

No matter what the underlying reason, there's not a thing wrong with crying, sobbing, boo-hooing over the loss of a pet. I'd say that 99.9% of people understand completely. And the other .1% can kiss my grits.

aw I am so sorry

I totally love this