Dear DH

[AccordingtoSteve]

It's started so sweetly. I thought you were everything I ever wanted in a man. Vulnerable, yet attentive. Polite and unassuming. You were the antithesis of my ex and I welcomed you into my world with ease and comfort. Thinking all the while you were actually how you portrayed yourself to be.

Then we had words. I cannot remember what happened or why but you were here, staying with me and something was said you took offence to. You then took yourself up to the top of the garden to sulk, for over two hours.

I was bereft. Cried. What was it I had done so wrong to you to make you act this way? I Questioned and interrogated myself, because it was all me and my behaviour that had caused this wasn't it. You told me that.

I should have run here.

The next time. You came to stay, you had written a list of things you thought I had done while we were together that you saw as wrong. It was quite long. I was again devastated. I didn't realise that this was the first chink of my armour being chipped away. Chip away you continued to do and have been ever since.

I should have run here.

For years and months we have stayed together. Our arguments being about your behaviour, yet twisted around to make me think it was mine, after all; I am accusatory and proportioning blame at you where there was none. I don't let you get a word in. I don't let you speak. I get loud and angry. You don't have a voice. I..am..out..of..order.

This is now the reason you don't speak. You are afraid I will accuse and blame. None of this is your fault. I get drunk. I get angry. You are just an innocent in this failing relationship. You have never acted in any way that is wrong.

Now we are here. It's the last post. We are both defensive and angry with each other. I say you have done something and then I get accused of it. You behave like a child and yet I am suddenly the childish one if I pull you up on it.

I try to explain. I am told that I have stated I have done nothing but accuse and make myself seem the better person. According to you, I am stating that I am perfect and you are not. This is not what I feel I have done but I am wracked with guilt and second guessing myself because this is what you have said. I am trying to talk, to sort this out. I am left feeling like crap because I have failed, once again.

My mind is blown now. I second and third guess everything about myself now. I am fucked. I am not whole. I don't thank you.

I'm to-ing and fro-ing from total floor dropping apocalyptic devastation to acceptance...

The pain, when it hits me; is immeasurable, this is mixed in with the split isnt it?

Oh sweetheart I am so so sorry, your poor baby girl. I genuinely thought she'd just gone exploring for a while and would come back safe.

So sorry you have this upset on top of everything else. We get so attached to our pets, they do feel part of the family and it is heartbreaking when we lose them.

Yes, the pain will all be mixed up with the split too. When you are trying so hard to be strong you hold your emotions in a bit and then something else happens it can all come spilling out.

Thinking of you and sending hugs and x

Oh noooo! I was hoping that she'd just gone wandering out of stress. How have the girls taken it?

Thank you iwas

I feel another gut wrenching sobfest incoming I'm never going to cuddle my baby again..

and

lizzy H was totally devastated but we told her it was very quick and she would never have known what hit her, and at least she wasnt in pain or suffering.

J has just been a tower of strength, as she has been throughout.

I feel so so sad for R though, he is on his own and dealing with this without us there he is absolutely gutted

Yes, he is on his own, but don't feel too sorry for him. He brought being on his own on himself, lovely. You concentrate on you and the girls. xxx

My baby.. sleeping forever now xXx

lizzy I know, i still care for him a lot though and am so sad he is going through this too

I'm not surprised you feel another sobfest coming on welling up here too she's an absolute sweetheart. Concentrate on you and your children and your other lovely cat. She'll be running around in cat heaven catching mice and curled up purring and looking down at you all feeling happy that you're settled in your new home. You will always have your memories of her so she will never be truly gone. xx

I think it's OK to feel bad for him. Even though it ended badly, you do have a shared history and obviously had some good times. It's all keeping perspective; OK to feel bad for him, not OK to 'comfort' him, iyswim.

So sorry Steve

I know it's agony right now but we are all thinking of you and hope it gives a crumb or two of comfort to know that she didn't suffer

I agree with across, you don't need to comfort your ex to acknowledge that he feels sad too. In a strange way, the grief being all mixed up together is kind of helpful if that makes sense, it is allowing you to let it all out. I wish that there was a way to ease the pain for you ((hug))

And you're right, this has been a trigger to unleash the sadness you feel over the ending of a relationship. Even though it's not been the best, and you needed to leave, and it's definitely the right thing to have done - it's still a loss and it would be a mistake to ignore that.

So yes, I would say use this saddest of circumstances to help you work through your end-of-relationship grief too. But, while it's ok to feel sorry for your ex in a "yes you feel the loss too" way, you must avoid co-grieving at all costs. He'll just try to use it to pull you back in.

Oh puss cat

for you.

Thank you all X

We collected her from the depot this morning and she is now back home at H house, we are going to organise her cremation for Saturday.

So so sad

Really wish I had taken more pictures of her

Oh I'm so sorry to hear this :(

We lost our cat last year. He just never came home. I still watch out for him just in case :( it's so sad when you lose a pet

Thanks Chris

I had a little boy go like that too. We always microchip our cats when we get them. Most of mine tend to lose their collars quickly.

Weirdly; had a phone call two years after he went awol. We had moved over 250 miles away by then. It seems he was being fed and looked after by a kindly neighbour who just so happened to look into getting him micro chipped and found he already was. Funny how I had not yet changed my number, but I was close to doing so at that time.

It was lovely to know he was safe and warm and being loved. Its the not knowing that hurts the most isn't it

Our boy was chipped, I do wonder if he'll ever turn up again. Don't think I'll ever quite lose hope. Every once in a while someone posts a picture on facebook or something and my heart leaps for a moment. But so far it's not been him :( I do hope that someone has found him and loves him. He was the most affectionate cat in the world. Never known one like him.

Sorry! I went off on my own tangent there! Just wanted to say that feeling deeply about a pet is normal. And sometimes having something that you can heartfeltedly cry about, ends up healing you more than anything

Don't worry about going off on a tangent, I really hope you get some closure about your boy. He sounds lovely X

Thanks Steve the cynic in me says he's gone, the optimist says maybe he'll turn up one day. He would follow me around all day and keep me company.

Anyway, how are you doing this weekend? Have you unpacked everything? I still have unpacked boxes from 2 years ago

packed boxes not unpacked boxes!

Chris I always thought I would know, just know if she was gone. I didn't have a clue, but as you know I suspected he had taken her away (due to the timing) and I really do feel like shit about that now.

I still haven't got everything yet to be honest, I really do feel bad about emptying the house. All our stuff missing is really making the house look empty. The more I take the emptier it looks..

When we talked today, he said he had spoken with the youngest. She stayed over there last night. She told him that she doesn't feel that it is completely over. She thinks we are taking a break. I have to be honest and say that's what I have told her (having little hope, but still some hope)

He used to complain about all our shoes being in the hallway. Now there is nothing there. But now he misses it our presence in the house is gone, so has our baby's.

We took our baby up to the crematorium today, all of us.

The crematorium is beautiful. It was heartbreaking. He had found a box to put her in to preserve her dignity. The box was placed in a little room where we could go and say goodbye. I cant, I already have done in my heart; that frozen little body is not her anymore. Just her vessel, as beautiful as it was.

Oh my god, my heart is aching so much again

We are going to collect her ashes next weekend and choose a tree to plant with them, We have decided to get a catkins bush.

Was so hard today, I really did want to hug him as I know he is hurting like hell. My oldest girl hugged him, I'm glad she did.

I might post sometime about the weird thing that happened with my boy last night but have yet to find the supernatural section of MN.

Be very careful not to forget the reasons you left. He hurt you and your dd. He sulked and accused and listed your faults. He is currently on best behaviour, and knowing that you loved your cat, he knows that this is a weak spot. Make sure the tree is not in his garden.

There is a cycle of being nice and then when that doesn't work, getting nasty.

you've done so well not comforting him even though you wanted to. That must have been so hard. But it would have blurred boundaries and that makes everything harder.

I know exactly what you mean about "knowing" I wish i did. The reason you thought it could be him is because of how cruelly he has treated you all. He IS capable of that level of cruelty. Just because it wasn't him this time, doesn't mean you shouldn't stay away.

You are a lovely person. Of course you will feel pity. But put you and DDs first.

Posting in Chat about supernatural stuff always goes down well :) we all love a bit of woo.

I haven't forgotten I promise.

Damn the thing about the tree, the only concede I have made about that it is that is planted in one of our (massive) half whiskey barrels so it is portable. If Necessary!

Thing is, he owns the house we left, I am in a rental! she needs to be somewhere stable.

I found an online diary I started writing in May 2012.

That was bloody enlightening!

Why did I stay so long after that?