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Original poster

Really nice guy or odd?

163 replies

Timmytime2025 · 20/02/2015 23:18

So I met this guy though some friends. I'm not looking for a relationship at all and have a young baby. He is interested in a relationship i tell him we can be friends and that's it I'm not interested in dating. Anyway we text backwards and forward most days and have been out for a walk with our dogs a couple of times nothing romantic at all. I've enjoyed having a male bit of company.

It's clear he likes me and is forever offering to do all sorts for me but I say no. I have not led him on ever.
He's in his 30s but appears to have had no relationships (which I find odd) and is obviously very keen to be in one. He mentioned that he had tried to make something work with someone who was very dull and that he has been on lots of dates where women don't stay in touch after. Which I found odd. He also tries far too hard to be helpful to the point where i find it suffocating. He's tonight offered to drive me to and from a friends party a three hour round trip away when I said that I wasn't going because it was too much driving with LO.

I'm not used to a man being sensitive and thoughtful as this guy is. He's lovely and very easy to talk too and get on with.

The bottom line is I really enjoy his company as a friend but I can't quite work him out. He replies to my messages in seconds and if he's going to be busy for a bit he will tell me first. A couple of times he's mentioned about LO having a father figure which immediately puts my back up. He offers to do jobs on my car and all sorts of things. He also once or twice has mentioned about doing things together in the distant future. He's forever asking after me and LO and remembers anything I ever tell him.

Is this my issue because I'm used to being on my own and this is a nice guy trying to be a friend and help or is it very over the top? I don't want to be mean to him if I'm just being over sensitive but in the same way I don't want to be leading him on or not saying back off if I should?

OP posts:
Sunbeam18 · 21/02/2015 21:30

He sounds so like my ex. Run while you can get out unscathed. Seriously.

lastlines · 21/02/2015 21:43

He sounds like someone who has no life of his own and wants to slot into someone else's instead of taking responsibility for making a go of his own. Why is he always available? Where are his friends and family? Why is he never too busy due to work or hobbies or socialising with people he's known for years?
he may be genuinely nice, not a creep, but he sounds a bit lonely and wet. people like that, however apparently 'helpful' end up draining your energy really quickly by needing you and your life to keep them entertained 24/7.

sandysbrain · 21/02/2015 21:44

He is a dangerous, entitled weirdo and you are right to want to get him as far away from you as possible. Men like him are all too common.

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 21:49

My spidy senses say he's not very nice he's outwardly nice but now I'm taking a step back he rants about his friends and is quite judgemental.

Dare I say it I was dreading ever falling out with him it worried me the way he kept recalling names of people I mentioned. If he's gone this easily i would be surprised. On the other hand I have seriously spelled it out.

Fingers crossed. Very lucky save. He was draining in time and effort I'm enjoying the peace it's funny how quickly you get used to something,

OP posts:
Hobbes8 · 21/02/2015 22:04

Ugh. I bet he now thinks that all women like bastards. He has proof because he's such a nice guy and yet women don't want him.

I used to come across so many men like this in my 20s and end up in weirdly intense uncomfortable friendships because I was too polite and always have them the benefit of the doubt.

Sod that.

KingOfTheBongo · 21/02/2015 22:35

I am baffled at all the negative reactions here. To me it sounds like he fancied OP, got rejected and is now protecting himself from more pain. I could be wrong of course but I just don't understand how people can be so negative about a person who they have never met and who has essentially done nothing wrong.

Btw OP, your initial question is based on an iffy assumption ... who says that odd people can't also be nice people?

MadeMan · 21/02/2015 22:40

"'because he's been on this rodeo before'"

Really nice guy or odd?
Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 22:42

I see what you mean I just have this feeling I can't shake.

On paper it could be argued either way but there's just something not right. He makes me feel uneasy because he makes such a huge thing of being this nice guy. Maybe he is but it's exhausting and feels awkward and sour now.

OP posts:
HeartbrokenWifeOfMillionaire · 21/02/2015 23:09

I don't think anyone is saying eccentric people are nasty, or men and women can't be friends, or that there can't even be a frisson of attraction in platonic friends, or even ex-partners can't be friends.

It's just not an uncommon experience the OP is having, hence all the voices.

I think a lot of women, when younger did think "oh he's some lonely quirky nice guy. And we have lots in common so we can be friends even if I'm not sexually attracted to them"

And we went through contortions so as not to "lead them on" or make sure we weren't just using them, and didn't give them false hope and encouraged them to pursue other women.

In other words, trying to respect and value them as we would a genuine friend. There are some great platonic male/female friendships out there, it would be a shame to live in a society where they couldn't arise.

Trouble is, these "lonely quirky nice guys" aren't always some heart of gold in an unattractive exterior.

They can be very manipulative and turn very nasty if they don't get what they want (and inevitably, the women they feel entitled to are much better looking than them).

Instead of making a clear decision to just go "sorry I can't be friends" if they find it emotionally hard, they hear "let's just be friends" as a green light to cause drama and manipulate.

This guy: he's basically demanding OP invites him to her friend's party, but in a very passive-aggressive way.

A single mother to a baby and he's asking to "look after and be a father figure" to her baby who he hasn't met? It's like he's using his social ineptness as a weapon to get what he wants to guilt the OP into letting him invade her life.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 23:22

But Bongo in the opening post she says that she told him upfront she was not interested in a relationship. He didn't need to protect himself from more hurt, because he knew it wasn't going to happen.

Botanicbaby · 21/02/2015 23:28

I read a great article last year about 'why nice guys aren't that nice' but cannot seem to find it to link.

However, this one pretty much says similar although not as comprehensive.

thoughtcatalog.com/lisa-presta/2014/06/why-nice-guys-are-not-actually-nice/

I think OP is better off not being in contact with this guy, this is all too much hassle even for a friendship. I would be very protective of my baby daughter too and would absolutely resent anyone assuming they could become a 'father figure'. So fucking presumptuous and unwarranted.

BOFster · 21/02/2015 23:49

Botanic, was it this one? Apologies if it's already been posted.

Botanicbaby · 21/02/2015 23:55

no not that one BOFster, it was quite a lot longer however I am sure pretty much saying the same thing!

trackrBird · 22/02/2015 00:20

If you were a RL friend, OP, and you said I just have this feeling I can't shake......there's just something not right. He makes me feel uneasy - I would suggest you listened to your feelings and made a graceful exit. I wouldn't bother championing him as a friend you might be missing. It's just not worth it.

What I found unnerving in your OP was that he remembers everything you tell him. It might seem flattering, but it suggests excessive focus on you and your life.

With regard to niceness, here's a thought from security expert Gavin de Becker's perspective:
"We must learn and then teach our children that niceness does not equal goodness. Niceness is a decision, a strategy of social interaction; it is not a character trait. People seeking to control others almost always present the image of a nice person in the beginning."

He's not saying nice behaviour is bad - only that it isn't the same as kindness, and people shouldn't automatically take it at face value.

CatsClaus · 22/02/2015 20:22

gawdsake....

...a month????....sack him off, I thought you'd been dogwalking for MONTHS!

I have a "scream" face on now at your narrow escape!

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 22/02/2015 20:39

He hasn't been in touch I've felt anxious all day tbh waiting for a load of abuse but nothing has come.

I totally ignored his rodeo email not that it required a response I'm just hoping nothing else comes.. Can't believe he's gone this easily if I'm honest but it's been so nice not having the constant bombardment!

OP posts:
Mylifepart2 · 23/02/2015 00:39

Did I misunderstand the lift to the party situation....? Did he suggest that je drive you on a 3hr round trip - you pop into the party whilst he sits in the back seat of the car and look after your 5 month only baby?

Are you likely to bump into him anywhere? Does he know your daily movements? Would you feel more comfortable blocking is email/texts?

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 23/02/2015 06:40

As I've heard nothing i am hoping that's it but it does feel too easy for his level of rather extreme interest.

I think il not block or anything for now and see if there's any more comes through. Just crossing everything it doesn't because I've more then enough on already.

OP posts:
Mylifepart2 · 23/02/2015 12:21

I think il not block or anything for now and see if there's any more comes through. Just crossing everything it doesn't because I've more then enough on already.

uuummm - can you not just "walk away" by blocking - you seem a bit pre-occupied and over invested?

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 23/02/2015 12:40

No I'm not interested at all I just feel better knowing that he hasn't tried to contact me. I won't be worrying that he's going to turn up if that makes sense.

Still nothing so glad sure that's it now. Phew lucky escape or what.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 23/02/2015 14:25

I hope it's over OP!

I hope this has satisfies the 'He's just a nice lonely guy looking for a friend' crowd. She didn't withdraw her friendship, she just made it clear she didn't want a romantic relationship - and silence...

pictish · 23/02/2015 14:28

Quite. Feeling sorry for someone is no basis for a friendship at all. OP is not a public advocacy service for lonely souls.

pictish · 23/02/2015 14:31

Horny, suffocating lonely souls at that.

Mylifepart2 · 23/02/2015 14:33

Timmytime - that is a good point and something I had not considered.

Did I misunderstand the lift to the party situation....? Did he suggest that je drive you on a 3hr round trip - you pop into the party whilst he sits in the back seat of the car and look after your 5 month only baby?