Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really nice guy or odd?

163 replies

Timmytime2025 · 20/02/2015 23:18

So I met this guy though some friends. I'm not looking for a relationship at all and have a young baby. He is interested in a relationship i tell him we can be friends and that's it I'm not interested in dating. Anyway we text backwards and forward most days and have been out for a walk with our dogs a couple of times nothing romantic at all. I've enjoyed having a male bit of company.

It's clear he likes me and is forever offering to do all sorts for me but I say no. I have not led him on ever.
He's in his 30s but appears to have had no relationships (which I find odd) and is obviously very keen to be in one. He mentioned that he had tried to make something work with someone who was very dull and that he has been on lots of dates where women don't stay in touch after. Which I found odd. He also tries far too hard to be helpful to the point where i find it suffocating. He's tonight offered to drive me to and from a friends party a three hour round trip away when I said that I wasn't going because it was too much driving with LO.

I'm not used to a man being sensitive and thoughtful as this guy is. He's lovely and very easy to talk too and get on with.

The bottom line is I really enjoy his company as a friend but I can't quite work him out. He replies to my messages in seconds and if he's going to be busy for a bit he will tell me first. A couple of times he's mentioned about LO having a father figure which immediately puts my back up. He offers to do jobs on my car and all sorts of things. He also once or twice has mentioned about doing things together in the distant future. He's forever asking after me and LO and remembers anything I ever tell him.

Is this my issue because I'm used to being on my own and this is a nice guy trying to be a friend and help or is it very over the top? I don't want to be mean to him if I'm just being over sensitive but in the same way I don't want to be leading him on or not saying back off if I should?

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 16:01

Friend zoning is when someone, male or female, befriends another person with the ulterior motive of getting close to them and looking for an opportunity to start a physical relationship. When they are denied the relationship they feel they were 'friend zoned' i.e they wasted their time pretending to like this person because nothing better came of it.

talbotinthesky · 21/02/2015 16:11

Thanks for the explanation, I thought it was just when your advances were rejected and you become friends. Learn something new every day :)

SaucyJack · 21/02/2015 16:15

You and Gatorade are talking about the same situation Talbot.

It depends on how much of an entitled arse the friendzonee is as to how one interprets it Smile

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 16:24

Still no reply. I have a feeling it won't be nice when it comes though.

Chatty messages were exchanged never any talk of being in relationships or feelings. It's been made clear more than once that it was just friends and it's two dog walks.

I genuinely thought we were friends I totally get now how stupid and naive that sounds but I just enjoyed the company and we had stuff in common.

I've felt uneasy but then I thought it was me being a bit harsh thinking he had other motives but I should have listened to my gut feelings.

Although I said lets be friends in the message I sent him I don't want him in my life the more I think about it now I just hope he won't be nasty. I haven't intentionally done anything.

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 21/02/2015 16:28

Assuming he works, he's probably not even seen the message yet. You could be reading more into it than there is - problem with sending messages is not getting replies immediately.

Wrapdress · 21/02/2015 16:31

At the minimum, he has no concept of boundaries and probably no concept of self.

KingOfTheBongo · 21/02/2015 16:38

Agree with the AS suggestion. This is not 'get in your pants' behaviour AT ALL.

didyouwritethe · 21/02/2015 16:41

Cogito, why do you always rubbish people's suggestions that a man might have AS? It's not uncommon, and behaviour patterns aren't hard to spot.

HeartbrokenWifeOfMillionaire · 21/02/2015 16:47

"As it turned out, he was very far from being a 'nice guy' - he was actually a seething ball of sexual rage whose sense of entitlement surrounding my friend ended up creeping the shit out of her."

THIS with bells on.

when I've been in similar situations , even though I've consciously tried to make sure that the friendship is as "balanced" as possible (not accepting big favours, making sure I always get the bill first, pay more so it's not even like they are buying me drinks).

They will still attempt to turn the interaction into a "faux relationship"

On the contrary, I have genuine male friends who do go out of their way to help everyone without any agenda.

(Interestingly, I think I was conditioned when young to think people wouldn't find my companionship interesting or value me without "something in return" so I wonder if that made me an easy target, though I've moved away from that now?)

Some people are just desperate. Also, they will prey on the object of their desire's sense of guilt and try and manipulate them into doing something for them later. Hardly "nice"!

Also, it's not that these kind of people can't get a partner.

It's that they will latch onto someone who is a lot more socially/physically attractive than them rather than reciprocate the attentions of those who WOULD actually fancy them.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 16:48

If he always replied to her messages instantly before, chances are he's seen it. Well, maybe it depends on phone. I get new email notifications on my phone.

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 16:54

He replies within seconds to emails always so I'm sure it's been seen.

I do have a big group of friends and I'm really busy he has a small group and they are on holiday I am sure he will have seen it.

I'm afraid my mind is far more on unnerved side as people have stated all of the fears I had in this thread so I know I'm not being unreasonable now.

I don't think I feel interested anymore no matter what the response is. I re-read what he sent last night and it's plain odd.

Just need to exit now with minimal fall out.

OP posts:
HeartbrokenWifeOfMillionaire · 21/02/2015 17:09

Bear in mind he might just not respond?

He's maybe been building up this idea that he can pretend he's in a relationship by just tagging along in your life, now he'll try to save face by not engaging at all.

Back in my twenties: someone I was thinking of as a newish friend invited me up for what allegedly was a group of mates attending the Edinburgh New Years bash, going on to a couple of house parties.

It was just him and me?

No explanation, I got the impression the house parties were made up, and he just wanted to pretend to himself he had a date for NYE?

(not dangerous, it wasn't like he was physically coming on to me, but just "odd", like playing the Emperors New Clothes, I was polite, and of course just let him save face by not commenting on the situation and making the most of exploring the city)

He just drifted away after a while, which is fine.

Sunbeam18 · 21/02/2015 17:13

I think you are right to have done this, OP. I've been in that situation and things got nasty and I had no idea how to get rid of him. Best to stop the whole thing now. Good luck

ITHOUGHTISAW2ANGELSAHEADOFME · 21/02/2015 17:28

Think you should start being unavailable. Its odd that a man is interested in you because they are wanting to be a father figure. It could be its genuine but see how he is if you back off his behaviour will tell all.

AuntieDee · 21/02/2015 17:34

I think you have all been reading too much into his motives. I know a lovely, lovely guy who is close friends to a friend of mine and is very lovely with her children (coincidentally he is an ex of mine - amicable breakup). He just prefers female company to male company and really is not all about getting into her knickers.

I feel quite sorry for him :(

pictish · 21/02/2015 17:38

Kingofthebongo this ABSOLUTELY get in your pants behaviour! It's like how much more get in your pants behaviour could this be? None. None more get in your pants behaviour!

Ok there are other issues it may also be attributed to ...but it is undeniably the very epitome of try hardy-wanty sex conduct.

pictish · 21/02/2015 17:46

Of course I could barking up the wrong tree completely and he's just a really nice but misguided guy with AS or not, but OP's the one who knows him, and her instinct says uh oh. Otherwise she wouldn't have posted here.

She would have had a reassuring reply from him by now if there was nothing in his intentions but friendship.

GatoradeMeBitch · 21/02/2015 18:00

Women are always told on the surface to trust their intuition, but then there are other stronger societal messages, like the kind in AuntieDee's post. How many women have ignored their unease so as not to hurt someone's feelings, and because they don't want to be considered hard or a 'bitch'?

The OP does not need to justify her actions. Yes, it's sad if she has hurt a genuine persons feelings, but he is an adult who is behaving in a suffocating manner and it's not up to her to accommodate that, it's up to him to recognize the common factor in his never having had a relationship and change it if he wants. It's not her problem. Hurt feelings mend. And if he was merely being friendly he won't be devastated.

pictish · 21/02/2015 18:06

I was just about to add something in a similar vein gatorade.

People (mostly women imo) often feel obligated to ignore their instincts for the sake of being nice, or polite, or even open minded, but they are there for a reason and it's high time women felt at liberty to listen to them and act accordingly.

This chap is not the OP's responsibility and he is smothering her. So that's that.

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 18:26

No response still hoping it stays that way but sure I won't be that lucky for some reason.. He knew he went too far with that email last night the was another and two messages that I didn't respond too when I woke up today.

I have ignored about three things that have worried me previously with this guy. Because it was all wrapped up as being nice I kept thinking it was me being harsh but clearly it wasn't now.

With an ex I did the same and it didn't end well.

The email I sent was really nice and not remotely accusatory if he was a listening to what I had said all along there's no need to be anything but nice.

OP posts:
HeartbrokenWifeOfMillionaire · 21/02/2015 18:38

If he was genuinely "nice" and was capable as seeing you as a person with your own wants and feelings, one he wanted a proper friendship with,

(not An Attractive Woman I Want To Pretend Is My Girlfriend) then there'd be a "shit I am sorry I came across that way, I'm mortified, I'll review my behaviour, what can I do to make you feel more comfortable?" e-mail back?

But if he wants to keep your interaction as some fantasy where he can project things onto you and your interaction that just aren't true, he may just ignore your honesty

KingOfTheBongo · 21/02/2015 18:53

Pictish ... Acting like a very weird guy is not the best way to get into a woman's pants. Any regular 30 something guy knows that.

I understand why the OP is creeped out by him, but let's remain fair: he has not done anything that was intended to hurt the OP.

didyouwritethe · 21/02/2015 18:58

Most regular 30 something guys will already have managed to get into a woman's pants.

Original poster
Timmytime2025 · 21/02/2015 19:15

Maybe that's the excitement the challenge .. Eww!

OP posts:
HeartbrokenWifeOfMillionaire · 21/02/2015 19:17

I think there's a level of passive-aggressive manipulation which definitely is intended to hurt.

Or, quite simply, "men" like this will disregard the fact that a woman has any feelings or sexual choice whatsoever: she is a "thing" to be "got" and slotted into their lives, like a dog or an ornament.

She can't choose who she wants as her sexual partner. Even if she has sent no signals, she needs a man to coerce her into overriding those silly little things like consent and her own desires (which don't include men like them).