At my wits end re. fiancé and housework (long, sorry)

[Fedupwithmess]

Name changed for this, as OH knows MN name, but I am a regular. I apologise in advance for the extremely long post, I just really need to get this off my chest.

Been with OH 3.5 years. Wedding booked for this autumn. Both mid thirties. From the word go, we really “got” each other, had buckets of chemistry and loads of shared interests. We make each other laugh have a good social life both together and separately and are never short on conversation. He is sensible with money, emotionally stable, hates conflict has never been mistrustful or controlling. Lucky me, right?

He is also infuriatingly messy and scatter-brained. I am naturally tidy and organised, and I knew full well when he moved into the house I own 2 years ago that realistically there would be some friction, but it’s got to the point where it’s really wearing me down. It’s like I have to micromanage everything, or it never gets done.

For example, if I don’t remind him it’s bin day, the bin never gets put out, or I end up doing it myself as I just can’t be bothered to remind him a dozen times before he actually does it.
Last month he painted the garden fence and the tin and brush are still out there in the garden getting rained on every day. I keep asking him to bring it in, but he keeps “forgetting”. Ditto with turning the TV off after he’s finished watching it, making the bed when he’s last out of it, changing the toilet roll when he’s used the last of it, removing hair from the plughole after he’s had a bath…

I do the laundry, but only iron my own clothes. He can’t be bothered to iron his, so I leave it in a pile for him to hang up, but he never does and it’s there for days on end, me constantly reminding him to do it, him saying he will, then forgetting. His boss at work reprimanded him because he was such a scruffy state, but even since then he’s refusing to iron his shirts or polish his shoes – he remains insistent that it’s not a priority. I was so worried about him losing his job at one point, that I started doing this for him, hoping it would guilt trip him into doing it himself, but instead of this or even saying thank you, he just said that I was wasting my time!

The other day I asked him to hang a sweater of mine to dry (ie: on a hanger in the utility room). He simply hung it over the door, so it ended up misshapen, then proceeded to smoke in the room, so it stank! Don’t even get me started on the smoking…at first I said fine as long as it’s in the garden, then it was on the back step, then it was in the kitchen with the door constantly wide open, come rain, shine or artic temperatures. I got very upset about this on Monday and now the smoking has moved outside again (he claims he wants to quit and he hates the habit, but that’s another story) There is an ashtray in the garden, but rather than using it, he just throws the fag ends arbitrarily in the garden. I pulled him up on this yesterday and he made some halfhearted apology, but when I went down there again this morning, he’d done exactly the same thing!

Every new item of clothing he has had since we have been together I have bought and paid for because he’s not remotely bothered about his appearance, to the point where he would quite happily walk around with holes in his shoes and trousers. He said he was extremely grateful for the clothes, but still in his eyes they weren’t a priority (He earns good money, it’s not like he can’t afford new clothes) He’s constantly leaving pens in his pockets and I do my best to check them before they go in the washing machine, but not long ago he snuck a pair of trousers in at the last minute and when I took the laundry out at the end EVERYTHING had been covered in permanent marker, including an expensive dress I had only worn once!!

He’ll wash up and hoover if I ask him, but never to the standard I do it, ie: he never rinses the sink so there is always food stuck in the plughole and he never hoovers properly in the corners. I don’t moan about this, because at least doing something is better than nothing. Beyond that, he never notices other cleaning jobs that need doing, so it’s always me that keeps on top of things, not to mention being the only one who notices when household stuff needs replacing and cupboards need tidying.

Admittedly, he is a fantastic cook and will cook perhaps 1-2 times per week. I cook the rest of the time which I don’t mind, as I enjoy cooking and he works longer hours than I do. I am also responsible for all meal planning and buying of food, which again I don’t especially mind, because it means that I get to choose what I want!

He is a highly intelligent man (admittedly more in an intellectual way than a pragmatic way) and he has no problem retaining information relating to other facets of his life, it’s as if it’s in one ear and out the other when it comes to domestic tasks because he places no importance on them. It’s not like he’s a mummy’s boy who’s never had to fend for himself either – he comes from a large family with parents who always encouraged him to stand on his own two feet and he had lived away from home for well over 10 years before he moved in with me. The majority of that time he spent in a shared house, living with women who have now become some of my closest friends. They didn’t mollycoddle him either and apparently used to despair at they mess he made and his lack of common sense. They have nothing but praise for him in every other aspect of his nature though – they see him as their loyal, caring and valued friend.

I have tried to talk to him countless times about how his sloth makes me feel and the impact that it’s having on our otherwise fantastic relationship – I have told him that it’s eroding the love I have for him and what’s more, it’s completely unnecessary as if only he helped a bit more I wouldn’t have to spend my time nagging him – I hate nagging as much as he hates being nagged! I said to him that even if having a clean, tidy, ordered home is not a priority to him in the way it is to me, if he respected me, he would make an effort for my sake. He keeps saying he will (and indeed extends a great deal of respect to me in every other facet of our relationship) but the effort is always incredibly short lived. I tried the trick of stopping doing anything for him and he didn’t even notice, it just drove me nuts! He claims that he hates being micromanaged and that he just wants to be his own person. He seemed to be under the impression that I actually enjoyed being some sort of bloody site foreman!

I suppose the issue of our domestic compatibility is weighing heavier on my mind than usual because of our imminent wedding. I can’t stress how much in EVERY other respect I couldn’t ask for a more compatible partner an at 36 and wanting kids I certainly wouldn’t want to start all over again, but now I’m starting to imagine a life with him post wedding with children of our own. Surely the strain of our domestic situation will only get worse, given the chaos that small children can cause. I fear this issue might encroach on the other otherwise happy areas of our life to the extent where it damages our relationship irreparably. I know it sounds horribly calculating, but I am the one with all the finances assets in our relationship, so I certainly don’t want to be going through a divorce 5 years down the line.

What is your take on my situation? Am I being overly fussy and petty? How do you cope if you have a DH who doesn’t pull him weight domestically? Would this be a deal breaker for you if the relationship was otherwise great? How the hell do I move forward with this issue?

"I wonder where OP is?" Bluestocking I've been at work!

I have a similar situation and there are only two choices:

a) Let the house be a tip and genuinely don't care, or
b) Do it yourself.

Since I don't think you're going to be able to cope with a), you are going to have to DIY. Forget his ironing - his problem - but you take control of what else needs doing. Bring in the paint can, etc. In return he could cook more often and shop more often - give him a list!

But I think YABU to expect him to make the bed or change the loo roll. I have yet to meet a man who would think to do either of these things.

OTOH I don't expect to change lightbulbs or work out what's wrong with the computer or the car.

I should add, I don't want to come over as non-feminist, because I consider myself to be one. It's just that there seems to be a natural division of labour in our house, and you need to find yours.

Fedup I do think you are going to have to be consciously aware that your OH believes his dad 'never took part in family life'. Much as he will, in theory, want to rewrite the script, he will nonetheless have absorbed deep routed lessons about his identity as a man. And what this means for how he contributes to the household. And how he communicates within the family (cf sidestepping responsibilities). My ex desperately wanted to be different from his angry, disengaged, all-powerful, abusive Dad. I truly believed this before we had dc. But sadly he didnt really succeed (although he will never accept that). Something to think about.

So pleased you are tackling the rota together.

to the lovely PoppyField

Hi OP. He does sound like quite an unusual person and I think perhaps he will come right with some coaching. He does sound like he really loves you, and I think he is lucky to have you. You really need to design something new between you, different from either of your parents as marriage should be!! His parents sound in a bit of a mess you don't want to get in to I wonder if you could give him some books to read, like the Wifework book everyone is talking about.

Honestly you can set men off in the right direction and then they do the thinking for themselves. I can remember when I was pregnant with my first DC I had to draw my husband a picture of the internal female reproductive system (!!!) but now he is more knowledgeable than me.

One of my long term ex boyfriends: when we moved in together I was horrified to discover that he'd never bought himself a pair of pants -- his mum had bought them all! He was 27. He had a PhD and looked like McNulty from the Wire. All it took was one xmas of a load of pants in his stocking and from then on he started buying himself excellent ones.

It's obvious what you should do: LTB.

But it's also obvious you're not going to.

He's got absolutely no respect for you and frankly he could sabotage his career by refusing to play the game at work.

However you clearly like him a lot and enjoy his company and you're both good earners so here's another suggestion: Why do you actually have to live together? Why can't he move out and have his own space that he can keep in a disgraceful horrible mess and just come round and see you every day? You can still get married, but why should you live in the same space?

You're going to be a single mother with a grown up child, albeit an intelligent, creative, fun one, so you could ameliorate the effect of that by not having him in the house messing it up.

When you have a baby he can come round with cooked meals and tidy up your place a bit and he's actually much more likely to be supportive of you if he doesn't share your space. And your love and respect for him won't be corroded by living with him. Long term, he can be a Disney Dad, which is all he'll ever be anyway, but he'll do it more willingly and happily and you'll still get along with him.

I think you can't expect very much of him. And if you're happy to accept a future with a man you can't expect much of, then the best of luck to you. I know this sounds like an extravagant suggestion, but TBH it's likely to have a much better outcome than sharing the same space as the guy.

He is despising himself for tolerating his ex's bullshit, will he also despise you for tolerating his, albeit different, bullshit?

OH's mum felt very unappreciated by OH's dad and ground down by "wifework". She's resigned herself to the way that's just the way things are and that her husband is so belligerent he will never change. My OH, who has a wonderful relationship with his mother, does far more to help me in comparison - ie: he will do stuff if asked, just not off his own back (which is what I need to make things completely equal) OH's dad on the other hand would be asked to do things around the home and would simply refuse!

This is the key, now everything falls into place. While you say he does more than his father, he still doesn't do much, and it's telling that he will do stuff when asked but not off his own bat.

Growing up the household chores were not the male responsibility, he didn't see his father doing them, it all just got done.

I think you might point out to him that however much he doesn't want to be his father, he is copying his pattern. He's picked up far more from him than he realises. And you're not prepared to be put in his mother's role.

He may not refuse outright like his father, but you asked him to smoke outside, and he complied initially but then backslid to smoking in the kitchen again - which is a kind of subtle, passive refusal.

"because he felt his dad never got involved in family life. OH's mum felt very unappreciated by OH's dad and ground down by "wifework". She's resigned herself to the way that's just the way things are and that her husband is so belligerent he will never change"

OMFG - mirror image / alarm bells - this is exactly the pattern your OH is replicating with you right now. He behaves exactly like his Dad and you feel like his Mum!

"I understood my ex to be passive aggressive in the sense that he would give me the silent treatment in order to manipulate me and behave extremely inconsistently by being gushing one minute then and then verbally abusive the next. He'd constantly turn things around on me and accuse me of being a bad person for criticising him, even though his foul behaviour more than justified it."

No. That was not PA that was a standard version of EA. The PA never gets angry (externally), they are terrified of confrontation and conflict....however they indirectly express their objection through hostility, such as procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible socially and occupationally.

Good luck with turning him around but file this away for future reference:

"He Hurts Everyone in His Path, Including Himself

They're the men who seem so nice, and trustworthy. They don't hurt you out in the open, but in a very subtle way, you may not even be aware of. Just the same, they can hurt the people they say they care about the most.

A passive-aggressive man usually grows up in a household which may have a parent who is either passive-aggressive, or overbearing and controlling. If he really has bad luck, he may grow up with both. When the boy decides to be weak, unassuming, and afraid to stand up for himself. Ergo, he asserts himself in passive aggressive ways. This ends up hurting allot of the people he truly cares for.

The passive aggressive man is very often seen as the nice guy that would do anything for anybody. He never says "NO", at least not out loud, to any request anyone makes of him. He is often everybody's token doormat. What most people don't know is there's a volcano ready to erupt inside this man. He is too afraid to speak up and tell you what he thinks. Therefore, he goes about his life sneaking around doing things he doesn't want anybody to know about, getting back at people in ways that have nothing much to do with why he's really mad, and not standing up to the person, or persons, he needs too. He then ends up hurting those he cares about.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

He may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.

The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.

Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don't get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.

Inside the Passive Aggressive:

The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect emotionally but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and engage in self-destructive habits. He will be covert in his actions and it will only move him further from his desired relationship with you.

The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for having shortcomings. To accept that he has flaws would be tantamount to emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make that cause others so much pain.

The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his own emotional needs. You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of him. You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you fill their needs.

The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes with loving someone but fears losing his independence and sense of self to his spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.

I’m about to fill you in on a little secret. Anger plays a role in passive aggressive behavior. Yep, that passive aggressive spouse that is driving you insane is angry as hell and full of grief. The passive aggressive deals with anger in one of two ways. Either they have no control over their anger or they have problems expressing their anger.

Adults who have no control over their anger and those who have no idea how to express their anger are grieving. They are grieving the loss of something that was rightfully theirs. Their right to entertain themselves regardless of societies or their parent’s beliefs of what was right or wrong. The right to be heard and cared for regardless of how addicted a parent was to alcohol or drugs. They are grieving the right to express love or negative feelings or a desire for parental attention without fear of punishment.

It is about loss, the loss of normal things any child should expect from a parent. Instead of grieving that loss in a normal way, they internalize it and compensate by being overly aggressive or overly passive. The grief shows itself in behaviors that are destructive to themselves and anyone who engages in a relationship with them.

A man who abuses his wife is often motivated by feelings of loss and grief. Feelings that are expressed through rage. Women who emotionally manipulate their husband by withholding affection are motivated by the same feelings of loss and grief.

The aggression or passivity hides their fear of rejection and helplessness when it comes to getting what they need from their spouse. The spouse is left reeling and wondering what he/she did to deserve a slap across the face or the withholding of normal loving affection.

The spouse feels responsible in some way. That is the sneaky thing about living with a passive aggressive individual. They don’t know how to properly express anger but they are geniuses when it comes to shifting the blame and projecting their own bad behavior off onto their spouse.

Next time you are trying to make sense of some nonsensical behavior by your spouse remember you are dealing with a wounded, damaged child. Don’t make excuses for him/her. Don’t take responsibility for their inability to properly express their grief and anger. Understanding why someone acts the way they do does not mean excusing their hurtful actions."

My life - that was a hell of a post! I was wondering if there is anything the passive aggressive person can do to change? They look like a lost cause...

OP, would you consider counselling with him, before marriage? Make it a condition of moving forward?

It would be interesting to see if he'd agree to go, and open up/be ready to change.

It sounds like these behaviours are very entrenched in him that they are "normal". And that you are re-enacting his parents dysfunctional marriage.

I would also think very carefully of selling up your home of 10 years to move somewhere new to live with him.

Re mylife's list of PA profile: you very specifically asked him to food shop for a very specific meal . and very specifically didn't get it, instead went for a coffee. There is no way to not see his actions there for what they were: PA.

Then he apologised next day, went shopping and left out key ingredients - so you scurried around behind him because? Because you didn't want to hurt him? He had no compunction about hurting you the day before when his actions were very slow and very deliberate: it takes a while to actually go through NOT going shopping and going for a coffee instead. Nothing impetuous about that.

Also re PA list he tells you you are so strong he is frightened of standing up to you. So what do you do? You get less strong so you won't intimidate him. How about he steps up?

PLEASE don't fall into the 'he had a terrible childhood' trap. Please! He can step up and take responsibility for any crap, as many of us have done. If you crouch to accommodate him OR his childhood, you will crouch lower and lower until you are on your belly (and it still won't be enough).

And from your own mouth/keyboard this:

I've now had a chance to read your thread that you linked to and I'm very sorry for what you endured throughout my relationship.

You wrote it OP. You may think it was an innocent mistake, a typo, but things like that very often point to something deeper we feel unable to face.

One thing I just thought of in addition to my experience with my DH was my mum and dad.

I remember my mum telling me my dad didn't change his clothes for 3 days after the got married. When she confronted him he said it was because she hadnt laid a fresh set out for him

Let's just say she soon knocked that out of him!

In my dads case, like with my DH, it wasn't that they were anything other than following a pattern their own mothers had instilled in them. They didn't see things because they didn't look.

To me, as with anything that goes wrong in a marriage, it's about intent and attitude. Seeing if there's a willingness and allowing mistakes, blindness and imperfection as long as there is effort and the will. All will come good if so.

In my parents case, my dad worked a 6 day shift pattern and shorter hours than my mum who was the first in the family to be a career woman. My dad bought me up (don't remember my mum much in my younger years as didn't see much of her) and did the majority of the chores and the cooking.

Mum and dad had a very different relationship to the traditional family that was the norm in both sides of my family and they broke the mould.

Just because men don't, doesn't automatically mean anything other than they don't know otherwise, despite what some posters may think. oc course that's not to say that all men have the right attitude and intentions like my dad or DH.

Ups, just realised how far this thread has moved on. Re. the original post, I would say I am largely like your fiancé, but couldn't you put him in charge of cooking and washing up and maybe something else then take over the rest?

I have not read all the posts, but I live with a similar man. My tip is: short, achievable tasks. His hoovering or cleaning might not be to your standards, but accept this!
He has a weekly reminder/alarm on his phone for the bins and laundry (this works!)
He won't change, but hope you find a solution!

I have to confess I am all too like the OP's fiance. A bit of a lazy slob, inclined to start off with things and then get completely distracted, or do the main bit and leave the tools out because I got bored. It's got nothing to do with how much I love or respect dh, I can't really see the connection there.

dh is much much tidier than me, but not too much like the OP I guess as before we had children there is no way he would/could have spent three hours on housework every day. It seems a crazy amount of time to me. If my dh thought like that even now I'd probably be inclined to leave him to it because I would think it was make work that just didn't need to be done. If he wrote a list of all the things he was doing I might think/say he was anal, not for the list but for the stuff he thought needed to be done.

Seriously if you are both out of the house/in your work room then surely the house is already pretty tidy? Half an hour cooking, ten minutes washing up five minutes tidying. A couple of hours cleaning/doing washing at the weekend.

When we had small children we had a cleaner and a nanny (neither of us are good with very small children). Now we have teenagers we take it in turns to cook and we all clean together at the weekend. dh says I'd probably not do anything if he didn't say it's time to work and he might be right, but I pull my weight and it's just a part of our routine. dh does do things like remember the bins and get the washing on because I would forget. I am very appreciative and recognise that a nice tidy house is a good thing (after the cleaning is done though, not before).

Oh and if I'm stressed I get much more messy as my general organisation skills go to pot.

The temporary 'fixes' he puts in place when you get to the end of your tether are all well and good, but the only thing that is going to drive home quite how untenable this is long-term, will be the arrival of babies/toddlers/children.

Nothing, but nothing can prepare you for the arrival of children, other than experiencing it for yourself.

We can all sit here and say in a foreboding tone that 'dealing with DC is going to make this situation so much worse', but it's not going to actually mean anything to you, until you go through it yourself.

Here's the thing. Having a lovely, intellectual, physical, mental connection with someone who really gets you is so special. You get to indulge that to your heart's content when it's just the two of you.

When children arrive on the scene, everything changes. That lovely connection the two of you have had better be meaningful, because this is when it's actually tested. You will spend a period of years (depending on the number of DC you have) basically hunkering down, working as a team, having each other's backs, and being there for each other.

It's not very romantic. In fact ... in a sense, it's like being colleagues. Now, think for a minute about the colleagues you get on well with, respect, and who pull their weight. The sort of people you enjoy working with.

Have a think, now, about the other sorts of colleagues... The ones that piss you right off, that you can't stand being around, that skive off, aren't very good at their job, and leave shit for everyone else to do.

Now imagine you're married to that colleague. You live with them, you wake up with them. You co-parent with them. You need to rely on them. You need them to do their fair share.

Marriage with children isn't just about what a special relationship the two of you have. It's about how much you actually like each other, how much you back each other up and respect each other. And honestly, let me tell you, it's about how compatible you are on deal-breaker issues.

I think you will go ahead and marry this man, have children, and only then, your chickens will come home to roost. He is not going to change, as much as he, himself, might even want to. So you basically have to decide whether you want to lie in the bed you've made.

This isn't a 99% vs 1% issue at all. Not even a little bit. But I think you do realise this.

Nail on head, nooka

It's all very well for his ex housemates to tell you what a gem he is. They then toddle back to where they live each thinking thank God FedUp is the one enduring the mess and fag butts not me.

This, ^^ most definitely.

I don't think I can add any further to the great advice you have already been given on the thread, OP.
I think you deserve so much better than this from your fiancé. You sound like a person who has always worked hard, and made your own way, in life, successfully. Please read and reread the posts from the women here who have ended up in this situation, and the havoc it has wrought, in every sense, in every aspect of their lives, and in some cases, the lives of their children.

I do think you want to marry him, and that you will, and, if so, I wish you all the best.

OP is hearing what we have to say, but not really LISTENING.

From her responses, it would seem she is continuing to use her usual strategies & he is throwing her a few crumbs to get her off his back.

And so the dance continues, with them both re-enacting his parents marriage.

I think OP will marry him, as she is naively thinking she can change him significantly. She is too embarrassed to call the wedding off, and will feel the same way about leaving him/divorcing afterwards.

And in 5-10 years time, her resentment will be huge.

OP - I've dated and lived with the mad prof types, tortured artistic types and techie whizzkids. None were long term mate material all due to their inability to see anything they didn't want to see. I mean, when they have the skill of seeing right through piles of washing, that makes them more unique, doesn't it?

No. Long term partner material is one who comes to the relationship with their own iron and ironing board.

Live long and prosper.

Absolutely agree with TheChickenSituation. My relationship with DP is hands down the best one I've had in my life. Yes we adore and love each other, make each other laugh, enjoy doing the same things etc. But what makes this relationship so soothing to the soul is also the fact we work well as a team - he is the popular colleague who is friendly, conscientious, pulls his weight and does more than expected.
DP is in fact naturally much cleaner and tidier than I am. Like many on this thread I have raised my game voluntarily because I know these things matter to him. He has also had to lower his standards a bit as now he's living with a toddler too (literally speaking, I wasn't metaphorically talking about myself ), so we've reached a happy medium.
Having been with men who don't pull their weight, I know the difference between a man who will pull his weight and one who won't.
One slowly erodes your respect and the other makes you glow with happiness when you come downstairs to the kitchen and find it all clean, and he's put a load of washing on and a note on the counter saying he loves you and a reminder to get some milk if you have time.
Your thread has struck a chord with many it seems - as there are clearly many things about your DP that you love, and which enhance your life. The dilemma is whether his continued failure to be a proper support in running your joint lives will end up breaking everything else that is good about you both.
The rota is one thing but perhaps one approach is to sit down with a bottle of wine and explain it's not just 'who does the hoovering and who does the bins' it's about both of you being a partnership in a true sense of the word and you would like to feel you could lean on him and vice versa. His failure to buy food for your friend's meal hurt not just because you didn't have the correct ingredients but because you felt he wasn't part of hosting your friend in your (supposedly joint) home. He was abdicating responsibility and presumably this hurt you in your gut. I know how I would have felt. He might as well have said 'I don't care if your friend has a pleasant time here or not, or if you enjoy a stress-free time entertaining her.' The question is - why did he feel this way?

Sorry, not much useful advice really. I feel for you because obviously you love him and are very invested in the relationship. I think for your sake it would be good to work out the ways in which it goes deeper than 'not doing the chores' and how those things than be addressed.
And get a cleaner too

Ok, I am still on the side that you should go ahead with the marriage OP and that you love this man and that if you remain faithful to each other and open you can be happy. However, I think if you are really doubting the marriage to the extent that some of the people on here are suggesting you should be, then you do have a further course of action.

Have you tried having a row? It's all very well that you say he will walk off and doesn't like conflict, but perhaps you really need to air these issues in a real way, not a sugar coated way. You could always try showing him your feelings about this and saying you are really worried about what will happen in the future if he doesn't pull his weight, and that you really don't want to turn into his parents. Show him you're upset. Even if he storms off don't forget it. Eventually he will have to answer to it, and to show you a change in the coming weeks. Why don't you also insist that he stop smoking.

You sound very measured and only you know how to handle your DP, who I like the sound of, but if you are thinking about calling things off then don't do it calmly and out of the blue, but rather let him know things are in crisis for you and give him a chance to really rethink and reform things. Have you talked to your mum about it? You say your dad likes your DP but what does your mum think? After all, she's managed to keep your dad in line as a good, chore-sharing feminist all these years! Ask her advice and share your worried with her? She'll have seen a few marriages hit the rocks over this issue and will have a view.

AskBasil, and others, are right.

The only way to have a relationship of equals with this man is to maintain separate homes.

Don't you find it insulting that he sees your house as "yours" but that he is happy to smoke in it against your wishes, make it really messy and refuse to clean up, and throw cigarette butts all over the garden?

That is direct "fuck you".

And don't even get me started on the contempt he is showing your parents by flicking cigarette butts over a garden they maintain for you. I couldn't love a man who treated by parents with such disrespect.

The dirty paintbrush in the drawer was another "fuck you", BTW.

He's a very manipulative and passive aggressive man.

If you think how supposed cleverness justifies the fact that on a basic level he doesn't even respect you as an equal, then stay together but in separate homes and don't marry.

Otherwise you can see your future when you look at his mother.

He is going to be just like his father.

Hi OP

Just wanted to tell you that when it comes to having children, other posters are right. You would not BELIEVE how much work they are and how much you will need your partner to step up. This is just an example of what happens with kids. This morning my DH got our DD out of her cot. Took her nappy off, didn't put a clean one back on. Brought her upstairs. I woke up, smelt shit whilst she was climbing onto the bed. She had taken a poo and peed all over the floor beside the bed and climbed all over our freshly changed white sheets smearing shit all over. I was furious with him, and of course guess who cleared it up, stripped the bed and is now rewashing the sheets. My DH's response to my questions as to why she didn't have a nappy on? There wasn't one upstairs. one stupid second of stupidity has given me extra work. The real killer is I work from home so somehow I have become responsible for all excess childcare between him leaving for work snd the nanny arriving/leaving, childcare all day Friday, which comes to about 22 hours a week ( which is time I really could use to work) ALL the housework, shopping and cooking, and bringing in a full time salary from my own business. Don't go into this marriage lightly. You really need to open your eyes because the real truth is, people do WHAT THEY WANT TO DO! Total bullshit that he doesn't "see" the mess, please spare yourself the bullshit. He sees it, he doesn't CARE about it. That is the gods honest truth. We don't do things because we don't care about it enough. I've got to go and tidy up all the shit my DH has left around on his way out the door to work before I start work myself now