I've acted like a crazy woman and want to know if I can fix it

[Sallyanna1]

I can't even tell anyone in real life what I am going to post here because I'm ashamed of myself but I feel really bad and just want some advice on how to fix it.

I am 37 and had a really bad experience two years ago when I found my then fiance on a dating website looking for casual sex among other things. He had a whole secret double life of prostitute use and webcam sex. I found he'd been on there for a over a year, a few months before he proposed and had just been a completely diferrent person to the lovely man I thought he was.

I had to cancel the wedding and spent a long time in counselling. I am feeling much stronger. I got myself back together, got a great new job, built myself a wonderful social life, lost a lot of weight and re-did my hair, bought a whole new wardrobe and generally took care of myself and feel good again and am enjoying life a lot.

I have dated 4 people since then. The first two I was still not ready and the third was not a good fit.

The fourth one came along and I really thought it was going wonderful but have completely ruined it and want some advice on how to fix it, or if it is best to walk away and chalk it down to a loss.

I was out with friends and I could see him staring at me across the bar and he came over to talk to me eventually and took my number. He phoned me the same night to ask me out. We ended up talking on the phone and he was quite lovely really and I started to like him back. He seemed to "get" me and the first date we had just went on for hours and passed in seconds and the second date was the same.

He was very into me, doing all the right things. He called every day, he was asking all the time when the next date could happen. He said the time couldn't pass quick enough. He was letting me know he thought about me as soon as he woke up. We were just getting on great and I was full of butterflies.

He invited me out with his friends on Valentines day and said he'd told them all about me.

Then it all went wrong. I was with a friend setting her up a dating profile two weeks ago and I could not believe it when we searched for men for her and the man I was dating who seemed so lovely and so into me appeared! I was just bowled over with shock, and it said he had been online that day!

I asked him directly about it, and he said that he had put it up before we met and that he checked it out of habit or something to click on and that there was no one else he was interested in or talking to. He was very insistent that he needed me to believe what he was saying because he did not want doubts over something silly to ruin what looked to be something potentially wonderful. He told me I had no competition at all and he liked me very much and wanted to keep seeing me and only me.

Anyway, I just couldn't let it go, so found myself checking constantly and getting completely paranoid if he was online on whataspp and not texting me or if he checked his dating profile :( It ended in me sending him a very long and totally embarrassing email telling him I didn't believe him for a second that there was no one else and to never come near me again.

Reading back that email that was two pages long (the horror) it was all basically words I wnated to direct at my ex, and they were not meant for this man at all. We had not had any talk about being exclusive, and I was totally unreasonable and acted like a mad person.

He only replied in a very short message to say it was a shame, but if that was what I wanted he would respect my wishes.

I was mortified afterwards and realised he'd not done anything wrong so after a week of blanking him, I messaged him to tell him I was sorry, that I had some scars on me from my past and that made me perhaps a bit delicate and untrusting and that I really regretted what I did.

I asked him if he would consider please going out with me again because I regretted ending it. He said yes of course, and it was all right and not to worry about it.

The problem is, that was four days ago and he's not called or texted to suggest a day. He is away right now on a course and he is back on Saturday and he's not made any suggestion about seeing me.

In fact, he doesn't text me at all anymore, or call. He does reply to my texts instantly (I have been very sparing with them so as not to make things worse) but he responds only with short responses like "sounds lovely x" and obviously there's a very clear shift in his interest level.

I am just unsure what to do. I liked this man very much, and I know I have blown it and really made a bad impression of myself but I am honestly a good person, honestly not desperate but I do genuinely want to see him again and have a chance to put this right.

He knows a very small part of my history, but I obviously missed out the details. I just said I was engaged once and he turned out to be a cheat. That was it.

Should I suggest we set a date for the date and actually ask what day is good for him? Even thought it is obvious he is no longer that keen? He might be just being polite saying he still wants to go out with me?

Or should I leave him alone and hope he contacts me? The last two days I did not text him at all and he has not texted me, even though I have seen him online multiple times. It's pretty clear he's gone off me.

I do really want to be able to have a relationship again, and feel so bad that I reacted like this.

Please tell me how to play this.

Just be honest. Don't tell him he has to come off the dating sites, but tell him it makes you feel a little awkward (he's probably got that bit by now!). Go on a few dates, listen and keep your wits, then after a few more dates perhaps ask if he thinks you could become exclusive and come off the dating sites. Most of all have fun and make sure you're happy.

You're still checking up on him? Seriously you need to stop.

I agree with what VioletMoon has said.

Hmm...I think my first instinct of might actually have been right.

His texts got sexual yesterday. First he'd been thinking about me all day, then he was talking about what he wanted to do to me. Not especially graphic, but a bit over the line and he was asking what I was wearing on our next date and what his fantasy was.

I have lost track of whether I am a paranoid freak here, but isn't it really odd for him to stop talking to me for days and then suddenly get in touch with a detailed sexual fantasy?

His texts before were mainly sweet and interested. What was my day like, what was my favourite song and there were a few about how beautiful I looked and how he wished he was waking up with me but the ones now are decidedly weird.

Perhaps he is and always was just a player, saying what I needed to hear to get me into bed. Surely not a good sign?

I am going to start going out with other people. I feel a bit uncomfortable now

Dump and move on. On rereading, I agree that he was too full on to start with. I now suspect that he might be a bad egg and that he has ramped things up sexually now he has full knowledge of your vulnerabilities and insecurities.

Maybe he's thinking she's too mental for a relationship but I'd still like to shag her?

I think he's forgotten that he's now texting you. I reckon he's been texting and meeting other women and now his texting is all at the same base level.

Really, really listen to your instincts here. That break from contact might have saved you from a heap of anguish. It's easy to put up a persona for a few days/weeks even months - but it's very hard to have a break from that front and then re-establish it exactly back where it was and should have been.

I think he's been a busy man, texting and dating - and that hasn't gone anywhere so now he's back to you to see if you've 'improved' any.

Sorry, but that's what I now think based on your replies. I think I'd be taking myself off his list and being the first to say 'goodbye'.

I think you're right Witch!

It was very, very odd.

Maybe my reaction was mental, but the instinct was right. I really just did get a feeling in my stomach that he was doing more than just checking his profile. It would make me feel good in a way to think those gut instincts were working again

Always listen to your gut, its far more accurate than your brain!

Lucky escape - it is plain weird to start with the sexual texts after you clearly need a talk to clear the air. He is a player and thinks that he can use you - fuck that!

Move on!

What Lem said. I think your email consigned you to "back burner" status for a bit. Renewed contact, plus him not getting anywhere with the other women he is juggling, have pushed you back up his priority list but he's bored with playing the nice guy now, getting impatient and just wants a shag.

Exactly...surely we needed talk to clear the air. How bloody weird.

I wonder why they go to such lengths to play these weird games. Isn't it easier to just shag women who are happy with a shag? There's plenty of them on any given night. I was when I was 25!

The problem with the players and the good guys is the players act like nice guys for ages until their true colours start to show.

Maybe he's a player, but maybe he's a good guy who sucks at courtship. Maybe he saw 50 Shades of Grey and is trying to be all sexy and really fucking it up.

Honestly you won't know until you date him some more, so why not...pleasant company and dinner bought for you isn't so bad, even if it goes nowhere. Just don't get emotionally attached.

I doubt he's 25 or he would be out there in the clubs and pubs doing exactly that. In my experience of OD, some people jumped straight in with a fantasy relationship, talking about cohabiting after one date ffs! Some were very upfront with strange sexual demands, some were shy, some were all about the case and never wanted to meet. It's hard to fathom out but some people def think that head fuckery and a "relationship" give them more control and hopefully more shags!

Oh I'm sorry to hear that, OP, but better sooner than later.

Get rid. Your senses were spot in at the beginning and they are now.

The thing with dating websites it's like a sweet shop for people who don't want to genuinely settle down - and finding out what their true intentions are can take a while.

I've been in them before DP and the ones that pursued me relentlessly and made plans all ways fizzled out pretty quick OR I got massively dicked around by one guy arsehole

The sex text messages?? Tell him to jog on.

Honestly op I was the undatable at one point. Had 15 years of old aunts asking me at weddings ect... 'Still not met a man then??' Then I met dp (not on OD) and bend very happy since.

Listen to your instincts , I never did and spent a lot of time picking wrong men and getting hurt.

Plus and a really bad note my BIL is on OD and he is a serial womaniser- beware!!

Hmm I agree that he's been sexting with other women and he's forgotten what 'stage' of communication he was at with you, which is why things have suddenly changed tack after this break. I think I'd tell him to get lost TBH. Plenty more fish in the sea ...

Op yep get rid. He has crossed a line and nice men don't do that in the early stages.

I agree, maybe you scared him off but trying to have sex with you seems appealing.
If this isn't the case and he seems genuinely interested after him having a think about the situation, DO NOT mention your ex and DO NOT bring up the conversation again. Show him you are not crazy. The past is in the past, any future boyfriend will not want to know. The past doesn't matter.

My self-esteem is just still shot from my ex and sometimes I feel I am ok but I get triggered and feel right back where I was.

Rational old version of Sally:
This man is not that special, I hardly know him...who cares?

Sally's Irrational version:
I'm not good enough, please let him like me, please let him pick me, I can't go through this again. Maybe if I do this or say this he will like me and if he does then I will be whole and it means I am ok.

I'm stuck in the irrational zone and after 18 months of therapy that's really annoying me. It pisses me off that some dick head prostitute shagging lying twat took that part of me that feels ok about myself away.

Rational brain:
Would notice he was online and would say "maybe he's online re-reading your texts or talking to his kids or texting his mates", or in fact rational brain would probably not give a fuck if he was online or not.

Irrational brain
Is absolutely certain that just because he is online it means he is dating someone else, or trying to because I am not good enough because my fiance slept with prostitutes therefore I am not enough.

Rational Brain:
Sally you know you're a really attractive woman...you get asked out all the time and stared at when you walk down the street and this man, at best, could pass for Alan from "The Hangover". If anything, you're waaaay out of his league.

Irrational Brain:
In this version all these Rosie Huntingdon Whitely ladies are miraculously drawn to Alan from the Hangover and are fanning him with peacock feathers when I turn my back.

As for the sex texting, yeah it was bloody weird but I can't imagine from the content that he has ever done it before. It was really awkward...imagine Hugh Grant doing it. It had that tone to it! I actually cringed on his behalf. Something about licking me lick a delicious ice cream

I don't think deep down I give a real shit about him at all, I think all this is down to my ex and needing to have other men judge me as worth more than a prostitute, and needing that affirmation.

I sat there and thought about it and the fact is that while some of it is suspicious, all this did actually only start after I acted like a raving loony and I do (did) like this man.

I sent him a message that said it would be nice to see him and clear the air, and he said "yes" and suggested tomorrow. He seemed genuine.

If he shows up, I am going to just be honest. I don't want to play games or be silly. Life is too short for all this bollocks over someone I barely know.

I will apologise for being possessive and distrusting and even a bit of a bunny boiler, but I will explain to him that I went through a very painful and difficult experience that I am still healing from. I'll explain to him the upside of that is that I gained a lot of strength and wisdom which make me better friend, better person and better potential partner (which I think is also true).

I am just going to say to him that I like him, but that this is going to be wobbly ground for me, and that if he wants to date me I'd like to do that exclusively because in my fragile state of mind I simply need that - despite it not being trendy or socially acceptable to admit that.

I'll explain that I really want to have and share trust with someone again, and will promise that I won't throw a complete wobbler again, but that I can't promise not to have blips and moments where things may cause a fearful reaction in me.

If he wants to do that, I'll work with him on planning lots of fun dates. We can take that mini-break he wanted to to take and I will give him the benefit of the doubt. Sex can wait until we've dated for a bit because I'm just not ready.

If he doesn't want to do that, I'll offer him a friend who can go out for a beer with him sometimes with absolutely no hard feelings.

That's what the old Sally would do, and I'm going to try an act like she would have. I have to try and be who I am instead of trying to pretend to be someone else so he likes me better.

If he shows up!!!!

Also, my ex was bloody ugly too. Everyone used to say "what's she doing with him?". Someone else said that upthread. Not sure what it is with less attractive men but they can sometimes be worse that the good looking ones for headfuckery?

Sally... why don't you just listen to what your rational self is telling you and not put yourself at a 'deficit' with this man? You're already there - you are not now on an equal footing. He knows way too much about you, way too soon - and he's not shown himself to be a man who is worth your continued trust.

At the moment you've lost nothing, perhaps a little face for the letter, but nothing that you need continue berating yourself for. You are screaming your vulnerability with nearly every word. I don't know if you're ready for dating or not but until you can get to grips with the idea that a partner isn't going to make you whole, nor be responsible for your wellbeing, you're going to come across this time and again I think.

My heart sinks at your proposed conversation with this man; please don't lay yourself so bare, he's given nothing of himself to you.

Sally - you really need to reel your self in because you sound desperate. I honestly don't want to hurt you writing that either [. I have honestly honestly been where u are and it kills.

He was still sniffing around other women I spit of him letting you believe hecwas happy with you.

He let you go with out a fight

He picks and chooses when he texts

He has started sex texting.

He has no respect for you live xx

Sally. There are plenty of fish in the sea, start afresh with some one else x

You're still going to meet him after the dodgy sex texts?

Maybe he's thinking she's too mental for a relationship but I'd still like to shag her?

I think you were spot on with this thought.

The conversation you're going to have with him sounds far too deep. He won't want to hear it. You're going to put him off further.