I've acted like a crazy woman and want to know if I can fix it

[Sallyanna1]

I can't even tell anyone in real life what I am going to post here because I'm ashamed of myself but I feel really bad and just want some advice on how to fix it.

I am 37 and had a really bad experience two years ago when I found my then fiance on a dating website looking for casual sex among other things. He had a whole secret double life of prostitute use and webcam sex. I found he'd been on there for a over a year, a few months before he proposed and had just been a completely diferrent person to the lovely man I thought he was.

I had to cancel the wedding and spent a long time in counselling. I am feeling much stronger. I got myself back together, got a great new job, built myself a wonderful social life, lost a lot of weight and re-did my hair, bought a whole new wardrobe and generally took care of myself and feel good again and am enjoying life a lot.

I have dated 4 people since then. The first two I was still not ready and the third was not a good fit.

The fourth one came along and I really thought it was going wonderful but have completely ruined it and want some advice on how to fix it, or if it is best to walk away and chalk it down to a loss.

I was out with friends and I could see him staring at me across the bar and he came over to talk to me eventually and took my number. He phoned me the same night to ask me out. We ended up talking on the phone and he was quite lovely really and I started to like him back. He seemed to "get" me and the first date we had just went on for hours and passed in seconds and the second date was the same.

He was very into me, doing all the right things. He called every day, he was asking all the time when the next date could happen. He said the time couldn't pass quick enough. He was letting me know he thought about me as soon as he woke up. We were just getting on great and I was full of butterflies.

He invited me out with his friends on Valentines day and said he'd told them all about me.

Then it all went wrong. I was with a friend setting her up a dating profile two weeks ago and I could not believe it when we searched for men for her and the man I was dating who seemed so lovely and so into me appeared! I was just bowled over with shock, and it said he had been online that day!

I asked him directly about it, and he said that he had put it up before we met and that he checked it out of habit or something to click on and that there was no one else he was interested in or talking to. He was very insistent that he needed me to believe what he was saying because he did not want doubts over something silly to ruin what looked to be something potentially wonderful. He told me I had no competition at all and he liked me very much and wanted to keep seeing me and only me.

Anyway, I just couldn't let it go, so found myself checking constantly and getting completely paranoid if he was online on whataspp and not texting me or if he checked his dating profile :( It ended in me sending him a very long and totally embarrassing email telling him I didn't believe him for a second that there was no one else and to never come near me again.

Reading back that email that was two pages long (the horror) it was all basically words I wnated to direct at my ex, and they were not meant for this man at all. We had not had any talk about being exclusive, and I was totally unreasonable and acted like a mad person.

He only replied in a very short message to say it was a shame, but if that was what I wanted he would respect my wishes.

I was mortified afterwards and realised he'd not done anything wrong so after a week of blanking him, I messaged him to tell him I was sorry, that I had some scars on me from my past and that made me perhaps a bit delicate and untrusting and that I really regretted what I did.

I asked him if he would consider please going out with me again because I regretted ending it. He said yes of course, and it was all right and not to worry about it.

The problem is, that was four days ago and he's not called or texted to suggest a day. He is away right now on a course and he is back on Saturday and he's not made any suggestion about seeing me.

In fact, he doesn't text me at all anymore, or call. He does reply to my texts instantly (I have been very sparing with them so as not to make things worse) but he responds only with short responses like "sounds lovely x" and obviously there's a very clear shift in his interest level.

I am just unsure what to do. I liked this man very much, and I know I have blown it and really made a bad impression of myself but I am honestly a good person, honestly not desperate but I do genuinely want to see him again and have a chance to put this right.

He knows a very small part of my history, but I obviously missed out the details. I just said I was engaged once and he turned out to be a cheat. That was it.

Should I suggest we set a date for the date and actually ask what day is good for him? Even thought it is obvious he is no longer that keen? He might be just being polite saying he still wants to go out with me?

Or should I leave him alone and hope he contacts me? The last two days I did not text him at all and he has not texted me, even though I have seen him online multiple times. It's pretty clear he's gone off me.

I do really want to be able to have a relationship again, and feel so bad that I reacted like this.

Please tell me how to play this.

He obviously really likes you but also obviously having a think about it all. I would give him some space. He's probably just curious as to what is out there re the dating site, and I think that's natural. He sounds a nice bloke, try not to pressure him. Leave him to think, don't pressure him, maybe in a few days text him saying that you're thinking about him. Maybe leave planning a date for now.

Okay, well I think I did tell him I clearly really regretted it and wanted to go out with him again, so hopefully he can cool down and asses it and when he gets home he will text me if he wants to take me up on that offer.

If he doesn't I suppose I have to presume that he didn't like me enough to give me the benefit of the doubt on one more date :( or a face to face meeting. Trying to do all this on text is impossible.

I have read these posts and think contacting again now would make me appear needy and more crazy than before and I now have to act normal even though I feel crazy.

He is my Facebook friend and I am out this weekend on all sorts of fun things so hopefully he will see me getting on with life and assess from my page over time that I am a perfectly normal person.

I suppose it's hard to lose his affection and attention, as short lived as it was, because it was just the happiest and most hopeful I have felt for two years since my life collapsed.

I didn't even fancy him at first at all, he's nothing like what I would usually go for but when we looked at each other we just couldn't stop smiling. And he found silly things about me funny.

I know I need to step away from the computer / phone and stop checking his online activity constantly. Maybe the rejection I am feeling is bringing up past hurt from my fiance. I'll try really hard to keep focussing on living my life and enjoying it and hoping that if it's meant to be he will come back.

We live very close, so I suppose if he doesn't come back, I could leave it a few months until he's had enough time to mentally move past it and then maybe I could invite him as a friend somewhere and maybe begin again?

I just had that feeling that there was something special about this one and think he had it too and I know if I had gotten that email of a man I would have run for the hills.

Maybe I will keep posting here every time I get that urge to text. It's helped me telling someone about this. I just told my friends I'd ended it because he was on dating site. Didn't tell them about the hideous email...I've been through so much humiliation with a cancelled wedding I don't feel able to take any more

I agree with boomf. Could you act like he did and say the stuff he said and still be on a dating site in any capacity? I also see red flags. What's his history? Ex wives? Kids? I think you have dodged a bullet. Are you still on a dating website? If not why not?

There's of course a chance he was on a dating website and actively browsing other women, but I didn't have any evidence of that which is why I felt like I was out of order. I know I am on plenty more fish myself but haven't cancelled it because I just forgot to. No, I don't check it though!

He has an ex wife, they have been divorced for 3 years, she is happily married to someone else now and they all get on well. He facetimes her by accident once when calling me because her name is Sally too. From what I have garnered the relationship is friendly and the reason for divorce was that she took a new job and changed and wanted freedom etc.

They have two children, similar ages to mine and he seems to be a good Dad. Xbox and pizza nights and all that and we've talked a bit about our kids.

He has had two LTRs in between that, the first one was unfaithful and he said when he found out he ended it and never looked back or spoke to her again because fidelity is most important in a relationship.

The second LTR he said it just wasn't a good fit. He ended it. He says he has been out with two people off match.com before he met me and both was just a coffee nd never turned into anything at all.

I think you are doing the right thing. You have apologised, you have been keeping in touch and making an effort whilst he has backed off.

Has he been back on the site since?

I don't agree that you would still check out of curiosity, I've been there and when you have found what you're looking for you're too wrapped up to even think about anyone else.

Do keep posting and update us if he contacts you.

It's nice to see happy endings.

It is possible that he is just assessing the situation and taking his time about it all.

From his Facebook page I've gathered he has a group of friends who are mostly couples and include family members of his. He seems like an average guy....no sign of any other women on his Facebook.

QuiteLikely...thank you. I do agree he should have been too wrapped up in me to check, so yes, I do think I had a right to raise an eyebrow but I do think it would have been better handled by letting it get to 5 - 6 date before discussing it in person. What I did was silly.

So embarrassed to admit, but yes, I have been check and yes he has been back on the site every day. It appears to be in the morning when he wakes up and at bedtime. Yes, that does seem a bit off to me.

I will let you all know if he contacts me. I really hope he does :(

I suppose there is a small chance he is assessing things and just felt things got far too heated.

Can I just ask - how did you fill two pages with how you felt about him going on an online dating site?

Because (and I'm not having a go at you here, what's done is done) but if people can call 'red flag' over him being too keen then surely they would also call red flag on a 2 page email over being on a dating site?

I guess, what I'm trying to say is, perhaps you should just chalk it up to experience as I can pretty much guarantee that if he were to ask people for advice on his side of it they may well tell him to steer clear.

So maybe it is best to leave it there?

Sallyanna... I think that it would be a positive thing for you if you could do a little bit of assessing yourself. This was/is a fledgling relationship. It could have gone somewhere or it might never have. You can't know at this stage. If he contacts you and you want to see him - great. If he doesn't then you've not lost as much as you currently feel you have.

It's like a job interview really... it's not just up to the employer to pick you, you get to choose as well.

You have lots going for you and you know that you'll never do that e-mail to anybody again. Which of us haven't done something cringeworthy at some point? I know I have. I survived and so will you.

Onwards and upwards, whatever the outcome - he doesn't get to make all the decisions here.

Yes. PP has it spot on... You're a red flag yourself with a two page email and he's a red flag because he's super keen within a date or two whilst also logging on twice a day to the dating site. Of COURSE he's checking out other women - what other proof do you need?

Just stop now because it's very clear that this is not normal behaviour after a casual date or two. If you keep texting him, you kiss goodbye to your remaining self respect and you don't want that do you

My email was awful, so embarrassing. Psycho 101. And definitely a red flag from his side of things because in truth I am a bit damaged and unstable in some ways inside because if not, I'd never have done such a thing.

It first of all listed all the times I'd seen him online the last few days by time (stalker much) then it explained all the diferrent reasons why a person who was into another person wouldn't do that, then it called him a liar and he was clearly chatting to other people, then it said how I had been through enough and didnt need anyone else to hurt me, then it said I could absolutely never go out with anyone ever who'd be doing such a thing.

:(

Umm I now have no words! Just leave him alone now

All far too much, too soon

from both of you
I think you should consign this one to a lesson learned

don't get carried away by smooth talkers and don't jump in with both feet after 5 minutes

all very teenage, all of it....I don't blame you for being embarrassed

the whole thing is a cringey and unfortunate drama that should never have gone that far

Sorry Kvetch, I've only ever picked one bad man :( I've not had any trouble before that or a history of that sort of thing and I was engaged to that man and lived with him for years and had absolutely no idea who he was or what he was like.

I do realise my behavior was awful, and am mortified, but I am not trying to explain his behavior away - I am just saying that after such a short relationship that was not exclusive I think (even if he was still looking at other women) it was me who behaved badly and not him.

I think someone upthread said his friends will be telling him to stay well clear and I agree with that, I was just sad as it was such a misrepresentation of who I am.

I've never in my life checked a man's phone or email or been distrusting before, and It's never even occurred to me in the first few dates with a person to feel like I owned them or controlled their actions but obviously going through what I have been through leaves you fearful.

I'm actually usually very laid back and confident, which is why I feel like this one thing has completely mis-represented me.

Trying to pin a red flag on the OP is bedside the point. She wrote an OTT email because she had a bad experience with a previous fiancé, what's this guy's excuse?

OP you were right first time, he came on way too strong all the while checking out other women online to see if something better might come along.

Move on with no regrets.

i think you've had a lucky escape

I wish I felt that confidence inside, but if that's true and he was just talking bollocks and all the while looking for better it just makes me feel like a fool :( (and a second choice)

I had / did almost exactly the same thing!!!

9 months on, I pushed for the next date, took it right back to where we left off and then backed off and let him do the chasing. When I met him again after, I didn't mention my outburst and came across as the confident woman that he initially said he loved about me.

It has been hard and has played on my mind a lot, but he did then make all the next steps - slowly but surely. I don't know if I'm out the woods yet and to be honest, it's been quite exhausting, but I did manage to turn things around. Question is do you have the energy? It takes a lot

I'm not trying to pin a red flag on the OP. Just trying to say - look, from his point of view it's quite possibly beyond repair, that's all. Easier to move on.

Oh lovey, I feel for you - I've had the prostitute thing too. Didn't have to call off a wedding though, but I did have to call off a marriage!

It does make you aware just how easy it is to start things up online, without your partner knowing. I'm not surprised it was a massive trigger for you.

Honestly, my view is that this is not paranoia or silliness on your part. A 2 page email was OTT, yes. And it's great that you can see that it was about your feelings from before. Hats off for understanding your behaviour
But you have an instinct, and sometimes that's going to be right.
Too much too soon I think...

But whether I'm right about that or not, the important thing now is that you've explained it, you've apologised, and have made it clear you'd like to try again.

Now he's only replying to you when you text him. I doubt this is because he "lost interest". I actually suspect it's because he's seen that his OTT beginning has worked - you are super keen on him. That's not a good balance, you super keen, him sitting back aware of it.

"The one" would have totally moved on from this by now, been back to normal.

I do think it's an odd position, modern dating... He's doing match which is a world where it's fine to date more than one person at the beginning. But you didn't meet him that way, and didn't sign up for that.

You're not weird, it's not about hang ups from your ex if you say "I don't like dating others whilst we explore the first few dates - that's my terms, no match".

You really have done enough now. Stop being first to contact him. And hide him on your Facebook. You don't need to be seeing all that stuff right now. Or thinking about you looking normal on yours. You are normal. His loss. Possibly not yours though - I don't have a good feeling from how he's treating you now.

I think he is giving short, non Committal texts to your rather longer wishful things.
step into his shoes and reverse the situation. You'd be running like the wind from the scary jealous stalker.
I think he came on too strong at the start, but he will never be able to 'unsee' that email and if you did get together he'd always be on eggshells.

And please don't spend your weekend doing stuff to impress him on Facebook. Tbh I can't believe you friended him after 1 or 2 dates.

I think it's too early days to be expecting exclusivity. You were having casual dates.