I've acted like a crazy woman and want to know if I can fix it

[Sallyanna1]

I can't even tell anyone in real life what I am going to post here because I'm ashamed of myself but I feel really bad and just want some advice on how to fix it.

I am 37 and had a really bad experience two years ago when I found my then fiance on a dating website looking for casual sex among other things. He had a whole secret double life of prostitute use and webcam sex. I found he'd been on there for a over a year, a few months before he proposed and had just been a completely diferrent person to the lovely man I thought he was.

I had to cancel the wedding and spent a long time in counselling. I am feeling much stronger. I got myself back together, got a great new job, built myself a wonderful social life, lost a lot of weight and re-did my hair, bought a whole new wardrobe and generally took care of myself and feel good again and am enjoying life a lot.

I have dated 4 people since then. The first two I was still not ready and the third was not a good fit.

The fourth one came along and I really thought it was going wonderful but have completely ruined it and want some advice on how to fix it, or if it is best to walk away and chalk it down to a loss.

I was out with friends and I could see him staring at me across the bar and he came over to talk to me eventually and took my number. He phoned me the same night to ask me out. We ended up talking on the phone and he was quite lovely really and I started to like him back. He seemed to "get" me and the first date we had just went on for hours and passed in seconds and the second date was the same.

He was very into me, doing all the right things. He called every day, he was asking all the time when the next date could happen. He said the time couldn't pass quick enough. He was letting me know he thought about me as soon as he woke up. We were just getting on great and I was full of butterflies.

He invited me out with his friends on Valentines day and said he'd told them all about me.

Then it all went wrong. I was with a friend setting her up a dating profile two weeks ago and I could not believe it when we searched for men for her and the man I was dating who seemed so lovely and so into me appeared! I was just bowled over with shock, and it said he had been online that day!

I asked him directly about it, and he said that he had put it up before we met and that he checked it out of habit or something to click on and that there was no one else he was interested in or talking to. He was very insistent that he needed me to believe what he was saying because he did not want doubts over something silly to ruin what looked to be something potentially wonderful. He told me I had no competition at all and he liked me very much and wanted to keep seeing me and only me.

Anyway, I just couldn't let it go, so found myself checking constantly and getting completely paranoid if he was online on whataspp and not texting me or if he checked his dating profile :( It ended in me sending him a very long and totally embarrassing email telling him I didn't believe him for a second that there was no one else and to never come near me again.

Reading back that email that was two pages long (the horror) it was all basically words I wnated to direct at my ex, and they were not meant for this man at all. We had not had any talk about being exclusive, and I was totally unreasonable and acted like a mad person.

He only replied in a very short message to say it was a shame, but if that was what I wanted he would respect my wishes.

I was mortified afterwards and realised he'd not done anything wrong so after a week of blanking him, I messaged him to tell him I was sorry, that I had some scars on me from my past and that made me perhaps a bit delicate and untrusting and that I really regretted what I did.

I asked him if he would consider please going out with me again because I regretted ending it. He said yes of course, and it was all right and not to worry about it.

The problem is, that was four days ago and he's not called or texted to suggest a day. He is away right now on a course and he is back on Saturday and he's not made any suggestion about seeing me.

In fact, he doesn't text me at all anymore, or call. He does reply to my texts instantly (I have been very sparing with them so as not to make things worse) but he responds only with short responses like "sounds lovely x" and obviously there's a very clear shift in his interest level.

I am just unsure what to do. I liked this man very much, and I know I have blown it and really made a bad impression of myself but I am honestly a good person, honestly not desperate but I do genuinely want to see him again and have a chance to put this right.

He knows a very small part of my history, but I obviously missed out the details. I just said I was engaged once and he turned out to be a cheat. That was it.

Should I suggest we set a date for the date and actually ask what day is good for him? Even thought it is obvious he is no longer that keen? He might be just being polite saying he still wants to go out with me?

Or should I leave him alone and hope he contacts me? The last two days I did not text him at all and he has not texted me, even though I have seen him online multiple times. It's pretty clear he's gone off me.

I do really want to be able to have a relationship again, and feel so bad that I reacted like this.

Please tell me how to play this.

I think, if I may project a little here, that you haven't totally moved on from the place of "this is all my fault (or some of my fault)" with your ex.

So you're prepared to ignore new guy going on match when with you, and repeatedly again after he agreed not to, and continuing to do so now, instead of grabbing the opportunity to be back with you with both arms. Because... That's maybe a little bit your fault, with the letter, right? WRONG!!!

Just like your ex was wrong to cheat in you, new guy is wrong to go on match when he said he wouldn't.

You know I thought I KNEW that my ex using prostitutes wasn't my fault. I didn't think I had any hang ups.
Then I found out he'd cheated on his new girlfriend with a prostitute... and I realised I felt a tiny bit if relief. Because there was my proof. I rang my friend and said "it was never me".

It's not your fault he cheated.
It's not your fault this one lied and went back on match.

Just chalk him up to experience.
I think your defences were low because you met him in real life. If you were on match, you'd have seen him for the chancer he is I bet! Cos on your night out you weren't looking for anything so you didn't bring your bullshit radar

I will say quite honestly, yes, I have done so much work on myself on on not feeling sad every day (I never think about my ex fiance and on't give a shit about him) but it has left me feeling insecure and worried that there is something not good enough about me that caused that to happen. I realise how ridiculous that is because I didn't ask him to be a lying twat, but it just feels that way.

I agree with you, I know in my head it;s not my fault but it lingers inside me.

I am not really sure how to get past the feeling of not being good enough

I really feel for you
Time I think, a good rant, and maybe more counselling.

I think it's hard ranting to friends in the prostitute situation. Sometimes because they don't know, because I think cheated on with prostitutes is more embarrassing than an affair. Also I think people don't relate to it as much. Most people have been cheated on or know someone who has. They don't know about prostitutes. And frankly, that feeling that people WILL think it's your fault. My own sister's first reaction "maybe he wasn't getting enough with you?" (I love her, I've forgiven her )

You will get there. You will know it was never you. There was something wrong with your ex, at the very least pure selfishness.

Time, time, time.

Cabrinha that post was so right. I do think he was kind of a dick and I am blaming myself because of the letter. He was a dick without the letter. It's really hard to see things clearly after what I went through. It mucked me up

I had sex with him EVERY DAY and congratulated myself on how attractive he obviously found me

Same with my family!!!! they loved him so much they said I must have done something! Everyone loved him really...I mean, I did too. It was just hard to come away from it.

It's not about how attractive you are, it's really not.
It's about them. Selfish or whatever.

Without wanting to sound up myself, my XH... Whilst I wouldn't say I was "out of his league" the comments from everyone were definitely on the "why is SHE with HIM?" side.

I was attractive (personality not just looks) and he was genuinely attracted to me.

It was so healing to find he'd booked a prostitute within 6 weeks of getting a new girlfriend. (Let's just leave aside how I felt for her)
Because now I could see... It wasn't about waning interest, girlfriend not being enough, attractive, whatever... 6 weeks! That's when you're loved up! He cheated before and after a romantic weekend away too. I suspect a compulsive element too, though don't excuse him for it. The cheating on the gf made me see - it wasn't about me not being enough.

The same for you; he did not cheat because you weren't attractive enough, nice enough, funny enough, putting out enough, adventurous enough....

He did it, because that's what he is.

if a woman posted here that she'd been on two dates, was texting a lot and really into the guy but had still looked at the dating site no-one would criticise her. If she then posted that the bloke she had seen twice had questioned her having been on the dating site (thus having checked up on her) she would be told that was a red flag and that he had obviously been checking up on her, it was the first sign of a controlling and abusive relationship... If said bloke then went on to send a two page ranty email calling her all sorts she would be told in no uncertain terms to run for the hills.

Op, I know you didn't specifically check, but in truth no-one would actually believe that. You weren't exclusive, he didn't know your full history, and tbh questioning his use of a dating site after two dates is incredibly controlling and possessive, and insecure. We know the reasons why, you know the reasons why, but a stranger who has only met you twice can't possibly be expected to compensate for your past.

Have you had any counselling following your break-up from your fiance? because tbh this is where you need to start. you need to come to terms with what happened to you in your previous relationship before you embark on anything new, especially the world of online dating which is fraught with potential heartache at best, and the crem dela crem of the dregs of society at worst.

This bloke is still a stranger. You can block him now and put all this behind you. Find some closure from your past, carry on doing all the things that make you feel good about yourself, and when you're feeling more secure, perhaps think about trying again.

If this bloke is a decent bloke and is still around, and it is meant to be, then it will. But otherwise you will find someone, the right someone, but only when the damage to yourself is repaired enough to prevent you from damaging your potential for a decent relationship. good luck.

Excellent post WannaBe Especially the first paragraph.

I think he recognised vulnerability in you which is why he spotted you to begin with. Stop blaming yourself - he is still using the dating site. I think you should leave it.

Yep, what Wannabe said.

Move on and let this be just a learning experience.

Well Wannabe, you have a point, but said woman should not have promised not to use the dating site, should she?

Oh chic, I really, honestly feel for you I don't know what to say that others haven't. I know exactly how you feel as I've had a similar thing happen to me and it's HORRIBLE isn't it!

He knows that you're sorry, he knows you want another date. He knows you're interested so leave the ball in his court.

Meanwhile, have a fabulous weekend, keep your chin up, laugh when you can and if and when you feel ready, get back on the dating horse and try again. Dating sucks sometimes, quite frankly. You really do have to have quite a thick skin and it can make you feel even worse than before you started!

If he doesn't get in contact with you to arrange another date then he obviously isn't the one for you as if he doesn't like you enough to see you one last time and give you the benefit of the doubt, screw him.

FWIW- I had a bit of a similar situation once and the guy in Q came crawling back 3 months later, when I had just met my now OH. Things always work out for a reason!

Chin up and big hugs, happy Friday! X

He sounds a potential nightmare in the future. Way OTT in the early dates.

As others said just back off.

If he is unsure of a relationship with you, it's reasonable for him to look on the site out of curiosity, he's looking at someone's face and a profile, doesn't mean he's chatting to someone, it's unrealistic to think otherwise. I've done it. Doesn't make someone a bad person.

OK, so in the ridiculously formal 'do I like you?' dance of dating, you made a booboo. You acted too much like the person you really are - someone who is recovering from a very traumatic relationship.

Big deal! To be honest, most people over the age of 25 have baggage of one kind or another. You're doing so much hard work to deal with what's happened to you (I don't underestimate how tough the counselling is). If he can't see that, well that's his loss.

If he's put off by it, go find someone who will be more understanding. Though it sadly appears increasingly like an audition these days, there are people who will actually want to get to know you for the wonderful person you are.

Okay you have only been on TWO dates, please remember that. He owes you nothing.

The man I am dating hid his online profile after 3 weeks and that's only because we had seen each other multiple times. I sympathise because I nearly scared the guy I am dating off by trying to test him, but if I sent him a long email he would have ran a bloody mile!

Remember online dating is different, you need to play the long game.

@Boomf @Sofa @Ketch - why so angry?

Standard advice to the OP is trust your instincts. Her instincts are that he's genuine. She's met him. You haven't.

But she wasn't online dating!
She met him in a bar.
She didn't sign up to online dating, and he AGREED he wouldn't go on match!! Lied, and carried on.

It has all certainly shown that OP isn't ready to date, her reaction was wrong.

But that does NOT negate that he agreed to leave the site and lied about it.

Just because this parallel dating thing is the norm online, doesn't mean that anyone has to accept that. It's fine to set out your own terms. And it's still more normal in real life I think NOT to parallel date.

Someone arranges a second date with you and is all gushy... It's not a big deal or controlling to say "I don't like you staying online, can you come off please?"
It's just the internet. It's not a big ask to put it on hold for a few weeks.

But op did not meet this man through online dating. They met in a bar when op was out with friends. Why should they have discussed online dating etiquette and their profiles? We don't even know if she has a profile herself ?

X post

Just about to go into a meeting but just to say, he never did agree to come off match.com

What he said was that there was no one else he was interested in and I had absolutely nothing to worry about. He didn't state outright, but inferred that he felt it was much too soon to be cancelling his membership so he never lied.

I didn't ask him to come off, I just told him it made my alarm bells ring. He just stated there was no need for that - he never said "ok I'll not go on again".

What he did do though was be made aware it pissed me off that he was still going on, and continued to go on.

He did say he also would not parallel date. But to me it felt odd that he carried on browsing / looking. I mean I have no idea if it was just checking or chatting or even keeping in touch with someone he'd met before or was planning to meet before we met. He did say though that he would not date anyone but me and I think he just expected e to trust him.

And I do believe he was not planning to date anyone else, it just made me feel like he was putting me on an audition while he had backups lined up, and it made me feel insecure.

I just thought it was bloody rude, it wasn't that I felt he'd actually be dating someone else.

Ok; my two pennies... I can understand after what happened with your ex why you are insecure and OLD is a nightmare when you are coming at it from an insecure angle. Personally I think I'd chalk this one up to experience and move on from this guy. Unless he makes a real effort to 'get back with you' then leave it. And don't feel bad about the email; what's done is done and everything happens for a reason!

You asked how you can move on from your insecurities; a few months ago I posted on here saying I was fed up of being messed around by guys on OLD; getting frustrated by cancelled dates etc. I'd recently ended a mildly Emotionally abusive relationship which had left me feeling unattractive and slightly useless and like I would be alone forever. The response on here was that I wasn't ready to date if these messers on OLD were affecting my mood that much and should give it a rest.

I did for a few weeks but then boredom got the better of me after Christmas and I am now in an amazing relationship with a gorgeous guy I met on Tinder. Maybe I needed more time to get over my previous relationship but this guy makes me feel special, attractive, is attentive and reliable, not a game player and makes me feel so settled that my insecurities have totally dissolved. We clicked so well that I never had any of the horrid worrying that usually comes with a new relationship; it just worked from day one. I can talk about ANYTHING with him and he doesn't judge; just supports.

My point is that however much you can improve yourself and your personal strength after a bad relationship that sometimes it's just a case of meeting the right person who makes you feel secure and in your case this new guy obviously doesn't. You could stay away from dating for years but if your last experience in a relationship was so bad then that is something you might never get over. It might just take someone new to show you that it isn't always like that! Good luck x

I agree - walk away. You were only in the initial few dates and it sounds like you were both interested, but he was still checking out if anything better was in the offing, and you then acted crazy by sending him an email that made it clear you'd been stalking him online, and that just stopped it all dead in its tracks.

I suspect he is now looking at other options - I mean if I went on two or three dates with someone and then got a long email tirade from them I think I'd move on too, even if I had initially thought that there might be something. You clearly have baggage and I suspect that by showing him just how much you have you've scared him off. I'd chalk it up to experience and not humiliate yourself further by begging him for further dates. And please, FGS, stop stalking him online or posting pictures or comments on FB purely because you hope he'll see you and what a fun, normal person you are. Unfriend him on FB and whatsapp and any other social media sites that you're using to stalk him and walk away with your head up. TBH it sounds like you're not ready for a new relationship yet as you're still hurting from what your fiance did two years ago. There is no shame in that.