I've acted like a crazy woman and want to know if I can fix it

[Sallyanna1]

I can't even tell anyone in real life what I am going to post here because I'm ashamed of myself but I feel really bad and just want some advice on how to fix it.

I am 37 and had a really bad experience two years ago when I found my then fiance on a dating website looking for casual sex among other things. He had a whole secret double life of prostitute use and webcam sex. I found he'd been on there for a over a year, a few months before he proposed and had just been a completely diferrent person to the lovely man I thought he was.

I had to cancel the wedding and spent a long time in counselling. I am feeling much stronger. I got myself back together, got a great new job, built myself a wonderful social life, lost a lot of weight and re-did my hair, bought a whole new wardrobe and generally took care of myself and feel good again and am enjoying life a lot.

I have dated 4 people since then. The first two I was still not ready and the third was not a good fit.

The fourth one came along and I really thought it was going wonderful but have completely ruined it and want some advice on how to fix it, or if it is best to walk away and chalk it down to a loss.

I was out with friends and I could see him staring at me across the bar and he came over to talk to me eventually and took my number. He phoned me the same night to ask me out. We ended up talking on the phone and he was quite lovely really and I started to like him back. He seemed to "get" me and the first date we had just went on for hours and passed in seconds and the second date was the same.

He was very into me, doing all the right things. He called every day, he was asking all the time when the next date could happen. He said the time couldn't pass quick enough. He was letting me know he thought about me as soon as he woke up. We were just getting on great and I was full of butterflies.

He invited me out with his friends on Valentines day and said he'd told them all about me.

Then it all went wrong. I was with a friend setting her up a dating profile two weeks ago and I could not believe it when we searched for men for her and the man I was dating who seemed so lovely and so into me appeared! I was just bowled over with shock, and it said he had been online that day!

I asked him directly about it, and he said that he had put it up before we met and that he checked it out of habit or something to click on and that there was no one else he was interested in or talking to. He was very insistent that he needed me to believe what he was saying because he did not want doubts over something silly to ruin what looked to be something potentially wonderful. He told me I had no competition at all and he liked me very much and wanted to keep seeing me and only me.

Anyway, I just couldn't let it go, so found myself checking constantly and getting completely paranoid if he was online on whataspp and not texting me or if he checked his dating profile :( It ended in me sending him a very long and totally embarrassing email telling him I didn't believe him for a second that there was no one else and to never come near me again.

Reading back that email that was two pages long (the horror) it was all basically words I wnated to direct at my ex, and they were not meant for this man at all. We had not had any talk about being exclusive, and I was totally unreasonable and acted like a mad person.

He only replied in a very short message to say it was a shame, but if that was what I wanted he would respect my wishes.

I was mortified afterwards and realised he'd not done anything wrong so after a week of blanking him, I messaged him to tell him I was sorry, that I had some scars on me from my past and that made me perhaps a bit delicate and untrusting and that I really regretted what I did.

I asked him if he would consider please going out with me again because I regretted ending it. He said yes of course, and it was all right and not to worry about it.

The problem is, that was four days ago and he's not called or texted to suggest a day. He is away right now on a course and he is back on Saturday and he's not made any suggestion about seeing me.

In fact, he doesn't text me at all anymore, or call. He does reply to my texts instantly (I have been very sparing with them so as not to make things worse) but he responds only with short responses like "sounds lovely x" and obviously there's a very clear shift in his interest level.

I am just unsure what to do. I liked this man very much, and I know I have blown it and really made a bad impression of myself but I am honestly a good person, honestly not desperate but I do genuinely want to see him again and have a chance to put this right.

He knows a very small part of my history, but I obviously missed out the details. I just said I was engaged once and he turned out to be a cheat. That was it.

Should I suggest we set a date for the date and actually ask what day is good for him? Even thought it is obvious he is no longer that keen? He might be just being polite saying he still wants to go out with me?

Or should I leave him alone and hope he contacts me? The last two days I did not text him at all and he has not texted me, even though I have seen him online multiple times. It's pretty clear he's gone off me.

I do really want to be able to have a relationship again, and feel so bad that I reacted like this.

Please tell me how to play this.

OP, this is an awful lot of angst and drama for someone you have only seen twice, it really should not be this hard. There is also an awful lot of projection, over analysis and pop psychology from some posters on this thread, some of it not particularly helpful. Cut your losses and move on OP.

I think you should knock this on the head. Sorry. And defriend him on FB and get rid of him on WhatsApp. You are still stalking him. Seeing what time he's been on, and making up imaginary 25 y/o women that he's talking to.. This is not healthy!

Chalk this one up to experience and move forwards.

In the nicest possible way, OP, you've met this man twice. You went on a couple of dates and did something stupid. It's not worth the angst. You messed up - it happens to all of us, so just put it down to a bad experience, learn from it and move on.

He wasn't a boyfriend or a partner, you barely know him and he's pretty much a stranger to you. Just let it drop, it's not worth all this drama and analysing for someone you've only just met.

Kvetch, your wish is granted

Juneau is right

I'm on Match and I'm currently in the very early stages of seeing someone. I haven't discussed whether we are exclusive or not because I don't want to yet - I haven't made my mind up. However if I got a long rambling email in the vein of the one you sent then that would make my mind up.

I have match open on my tabs a lot of the time so it looks like I'm "active" and I do read all the emails I get. But I haven't actually had another date with anyone else in a year so how "active" would you call that?

As for the imaginary 25 year old - my "date" is 40 and I'm 50 - would that make you feel better - if he was chatting up 50 year olds?!

You're really not ready.

I think you need to resolve your problems first before you start dating. You sent him a massive email when you have only been on 2 dates so he owes you nothing and he never said he was coming off Match.com.

An email which you said was kind of meant for your prostitute using ex so i imagine the email was not a nice read at all.

From his perspective it would be best if he ran a mile sorry.

I agree with everyone else. Draw a line under it and move on. You need to be gentle on yourself, and realise that your ex's actions still hurt.

Maybe accept you aren't ready yet.

Thanks everyone...I do know I behaved like a crazy person, in no doubt on that one and I do see how for him it probably scared the crap and I'll try and just chalk that down to experience.

Completely agree with wannabe that if I had been a man he would have taken out a restraining order. I now feel not so tempted to text him or call him and will promise not to. If I hear from him, that's great and if not he probably would not be emotionally or mentally equipped to perhaps date someone with my past because I will need someone very understanding for that.

Thanks for those who've given me a bit of understanding over why I might have behaved so mentally. I am taking a step back and seeing how much this all ties into my ex, even down to the stalking, because it's that feeling of wondering why you're not "enough" and desperately wanting to feel like they think you are worth it.

I know I can't expect that from everyone and that this person did not know me well enough to make allowances for that.

Thanks yes, I have had counselling that went on for 18 months but a lot of that dealt with my feelings of shock and pain and grief and I never really touched on how to approach the future.

I honestly don't thin staying away from dating is the answer for me. I might need more time to heal, yes, but I also think I just need a few nice and normal men to remind me what it's supposed to be like to restore my sense of normality.

When your fiance sleeps with hookers, your standards and expectations all get a little bit skewed. What I might do is try and think about how I could have handled this differently, but the more I have read here....it was just not going to work for me to be dating someone who felt the need to keep his options open and I probably just need someone who's happy to treat me gently and do it my way.

I think the completely mental stalker letter did come from somewhere, which I suppose was just complete anger that his words didn't fully tally with his actions. I happen to think if a man is in the early stages of infatuation with a woman he should probably not even be thinking about what's behind her.

I think he could have been more sympathetic and it would not have killed him to have stayed away from the site.

I think you are "greiving" for something that might have been, everyone is lovely when you first meet, sexual attraction is a very strong feeling so it sounds like you were extremely attracted to this man. If he were going to be "the one" then your crazy rant wouldn't have put him off - he would have been round your house in a flash telling you not to be a daft mare and deleting himself from the dating site. He didn't - so it wasn't to be, ergo you have lost nothing. In fact you have saved yourself from more heartache further down the line.

Really, brush yourself down, arrange for some more girlie nights out, stop looking for Mr Right, they usually only come along when you are not looking.

Thanks a lot Lem. I feel a lot better and have moved a bit past beating myself up for being so stupid to seeing that like you say, if he had been worth it he probably would not have acted in such a way to have led to this. I think if he truly liked me as much as he said then the minute I said it was a huge issue and trigger for me, he'd just have stopped. I agree I probably did save myself some heartache down the line.

I dunno, I think he's keeping his options open.

"He was very into me, doing all the right things. He called every day, he was asking all the time when the next date could happen. He said the time couldn't pass quick enough. He was letting me know he thought about me as soon as he woke up."

This sounds OTT to me? I agree etiquette says in the early stages of dating you can keep your options open, but it sounds like he spotted some vulnerability signals in you and went into overdrive to "catch" you?

I agree you need to work on your "picker". I called out my ex on something similar once relating to social media/straying into emotional affair territory and although he wasn't sweetness and light and a plausible explanation, he changed it straight off - and I spoke privately with the female acquaintance involved and she confirmed his actions. that's not "humblebrag", that's how it SHOULD be.

I am very libertarian socially, but people are on an online dating site to flag up they are SINGLE AND LOOKING. If he wants to make new friends or do something interesting he can take up running or build a shed. There's tonnes of "interest" websites one can go onto to chat with people.

I've occasionally done the massive social faux pas with people I've been dating in the early stages, and find they tend to give me the benefit of the doubt if there is a strong authentic enough connection? (of course maybe not if there were repeat performances)

There's a guy on an AIBU thread who went on a date with someone who accidentally shat over his floor the first night they spent together and he stated (and my experience backs this up) he'd have happily gone out with her again, if she'd been able to get over the embarrassment?

I don't mean "saying the right things" but lining up another date etc.

Like Wannbe says I think you maybe need to continue working on yourself for a while: effusive compliments from the start are actually a red flag and not a good sign. good luck!

At least I didn't shit on the floor

"There's a guy on an AIBU thread who went on a date with someone who accidentally shat over his floor the first night they spent together and he stated (and my experience backs this up)"

Oh dear, I just re-read this and it looks bad I've done the drinking too much and vomiting thing though.

I also don't think you should pigeon-hole yourself as "crazy woman": everyone does social things which are "ohmigodlikeSOcringe" from time to time, don't be too hard on yourself

"If I hear from him, that's great and if not he probably would not be emotionally or mentally equipped to perhaps date someone with my past because I will need someone very understanding for that." I don't think you should expect anyone to be equipped to deal with your past. Never make your past somebody else's future.

Move on, and learn from this one

I did actually go the two days without texting or calling him and he did just an hour ago text me and appears to have gone back to normal, sort of as if nothing happened at all.

I am not sure what to really make of that, but do some people just need a few days to cool off or assess things?

Before I'd have been delighted but after reading everything on this thread I'm a bit worried or more wary of him. Should I just speak to him, see him again and talk this out like adults and see where things are at?

I do realise I have a lot of work to do on my own issues, I didn't realise quite how messed up I was until I got triggered. I think I will call my counsellor and set up an appointment to talk about my crazy letter and how I can behave more normally in future.

Just don't know what to do now really. I wasn't honestly expecting to ever hear from him again after the comments on here

You are now over thinking it. He has actually done nothing at all wrong. He was polite and even nice with you when you apologised. He has been busy working away and probably not been thinking about this at all and now he is back he has time to text you and engage fully. If you still want to see him then just relax and take it slow and leave your baggage at home and enjoy.

I would just see how it goes. It's good he's text again, at least - text him back and see where it goes! If you want to meet up again, ask him, and see what his answer is?

If he says yes, go for it, but if he says no, or maybe, he's keeping his options open and I would probably write the experience off and move on.

Yes, I will just text back. He's texted a lot now tonight. There's a diferrent tone to the messages that I am not sure how to read but I'll try and take a step back.

I definitely feel more cool towards him after all this. I know some of it was my fault but I'm still not happy about the dating site thing (which he is still checking),

I'll still meet him and explain face to face if he wants to date me he has to disable. He can look around when he's done. If he doesn't like it...he can piss off.

I understand how you feel but after a couple of dates I don't think you can tell him that he has to come off dating sites. I think if you tell him that then he will not be contacting you again. You are not in a relationship but are dating. You need to get to know each other and that takes time. I think that you will come across as jealous and controlling if you say this.

Really?

I honestly would not even think about browsing a dating site if I was dating one person already. Even if not in a relationship.

I can see your point...it just seems so....well...hard to get to know someone and open up / let walls down or talk normally if you feel like you're in an audition queue

I don't think he's actually done anything wrong. You're not dating seriously. You've had a few nice dates over a few weeks. Yes it could be the very start of a relationship but right now it's not like he's two timing you because there isn't any commitment between you both right now.

Also taking a step back from a woman who's behaved inappropriately is a very sensible and positive thing to do.

You can try and paint him as the bad guy but it seems to me that you are still very mixed up about your ex and are laying issues relating to the ex at this new chaps door.

Don't think of it as an audition queue. It's more that you are both getting to know each other and working out if you are compatible. It's too early to put all your eggs in one basket and I agree you could seem controlling and possessive if you over step the mark. Why don't you go on a few other random dates with other men?

That is a good way of looking at it.

Your ex was a shit so I'm not surprised it's taken a while to get over.

Can you enjoy meeting other men and try to see the dates as individual light hearted 'getting to know you' dates and not as a part of a serious relationship. Truly you will know when things get properly serious and committed. Don't write this new chap off yet but do keep an open mind about dating other blokes.