Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

[AbsolutelyKnackered]

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

Oh OP that is sad to read but I agree it is spot on though. But yes delete 'that is why I am so screwed up' Because you are not. I think the others are very screwed up & deceitful but not you. You were a child.

Oh, OP .

The first thing is: it's really OK and normal to feel rage, grief, betrayal over this. I think you probably ARE having PTSD, and I would seriously recommend speaking to your GP and to a counsellor about it. What you've been through is awful, and of course it's going to come up again with your children at the same age.

I absolutely think you should do whatever you need to do to get through this, including going NC with your parents for a bit if they can't be supportive (mine are exactly the same, and it's tough, tough, tough when you're dealing with massive issues like this). However, I think you should see this as a temporary thing that you will revoke in time, rather than a permanent measure, because if you see it as permanent it may precipitate an explosion if you are asked why you are doing it, in which the truth will tumble out in its rawest and least manageable state. I don't think you really want that, though you would be well within your rights to do it should you feel that you do.

However, I do think in the longer term (NOT right now), you probably need to say something. (Not everything - you don't have to name names if you don't want to - but you could give a rough idea without doing so). It sounds as though your father has a real problem with directing his anger at the right person, and I do wonder if you are doing a slightly milder version of the same thing when you say 'How could you not know?' to your parents. Most people don't even consider the possibility of sibling abuse in a family. And skinniness in a kid with IBS is likely to be seen as a result of that condition and nothing more. But as I said before, I think this needs to wait until a MUCH later date, when you are a long way through the process of coming to terms with this. Right now, if they're not a helpful presence in your life, I would close the door temporarily and not let them in until you have more walls up and in place.

Good luck, OP.

I feel bad painting my brother as the abuser. He was a child too. But then again the different between a 9 year old and an 11/12 year old is pretty big no?

Thank you for the feedback. Have amended.

So I have replaced the word abusers for people.

Ooops, I am so sorry, I wrote that before I read the thread (battling with an ancient laptop that does NOT want to connect to the internet). It's moved on a lot from the first post.

I would say - please see your counsellor before you send the letter, and afterwards too. There is nothing wrong with what you have written at all. But I think you'll feel calmer if you do, and you can explore how you might feel about possible responses in advance, if you see what I mean, so you feel ready for whatever comes back at you.

It's awful that you're going through this, and I send you all my warmest thoughts.

Your brother (and your cousin) did that to you. You are not saying he should go to prison or anything like that. But he did it. It's a fact. It's true.

And to be honest, a child does not do such a thing just like that. The environment in your home must have been really, really toxic to lead up to that kind of situation.

OP, the more I think about this, the more I am worried.

It is a huge, huge step to send this email. It changes everything, forever. Are you in a position to be able to handle the fallout right now?

This is absolutely NOT a comment about telling them. I think you should, in but in your own time. It's a comment about whether this IS the right time for you, the person who has always come last.

I speak as someone who has opened cans of worms at the wrong time, and then struggled to deal with the fallout. I think this can be quite typical 'scapegoat child' behaviour: because we are used to being vulnerable and having no help, it feels almost 'right' to walk into situations where we are more vulnerable, and even less supported.

Maybe consider starting the counselling first?

You need an army of supporters around you to handle this - the AbsolutelyKnackered Division!

Thank you shove and don't worry! I did read your first post and think "arggh, maybe I shouldn't send it" lol. But I understand. I feel so strongly that I need to do this and yet I always imagined I would take this to my grave with me. It's so odd. It's like there has been a major major switch in my brain and heart about it all.

Telling them will make them suffer. But not telling them makes ME suffer. Every fucking day. I feel bad about swearing in the letter - almost as worried about their reaction to that as I am about their reaction to the actual content. I have been controlled. For a very long time haven't I?!

Shove - I disagree with everything you have said. This is not a knee jerk reaction from the OP - she is seeking clearance on a serious issue.

I don't think you can wait and eait and wait for that perfect moment.

I think you should definitely send it. But when your counsellor is available to support you in RL. Meanwhile, writing things down is definitely a good thing.

And yes, you have been repressed and controlled and manhandled for an extremely long time. And made to feel that your thoughts and feelings counted for nothing. Which is one of the worst possible things you can do to a human being.

I think the thing is shove, I feel that whatever happens is fine. I don't expect they will handle it at all well and I don't care if NC ensues. For the first time I really feel that. I feel clear of the fear, obligation and guilt. By telling them I actually feel that it is giving me permission to go NC. I'm justifying it to them.

I feel bad about possibly getting my brother into trouble/badly thought of. Crazy right?!

Just as an aside. If I don't call on her bday she will call me, at some point throughout the day. I can call screen. But then she will keep trying. We are going away Sat/Sun so not at home. She will eventually call my mobile (never usually does this. Just rings and rings the home phone until someone answers. We have no answerphone on the landline which she has commented on before in a negative way) (Fucking hell I am so angry with her even writing this down). I will need to think about how to react, if I've not sent the letter to her chasing me. She would get all worried in a melodramatic way and probably try DH's mobile etc. then goodness knows what she would do. She will be all about the grandchildren wishing nanny a happy birthday etc. I don't know what to do in that situation.

You are just telling the truth, Absolutely. Your brother was a child when this happened, yes. But he remembers it. And he could get counselling for himself, and at the very least apologise to you for what he did. Which he hasn't done.

As for your mother's call. If she calls your mobile phone (or your husband's) just tell her very coolly that you're all busy at the time and it's a bad time, and yes, happy birthday. Then hang up.

Oh I wouldn't worry about the calling and calling and her ringing and ringing. Let her ring! Phones are not helpful things sometimes.I had to get over that hurdle last year. You are in control now so you choose when to answer and what happens next. I sometimes would send a quick text oh missed your calls again hope all is well chat soon which gave me breathing space for a while

Here's what I worry about: the OP seems to be having kittens over how to handle a phonecall. Don't get me wrong - I understand why this is a concern.

But I think what might happen on receipt of that letter is about a million times deeper and darker than whether or not to take a phone call. I have been there when the entire family turned on me and called me a liar for trying to get the truth out in the open about awful past events. I chose the wrong time to do it - a time when I felt angry and vulnerable and full of hurt already, which meant I had very little in the way of emotional resources left to manage the reaction. And that reaction can be one of the most horrific experiences you can go through if it is denial. It's not NC, it's not anger, it's not like a normal family argument (however horrific) - it's like having your very being questioned. You start even to doubt yourself, your state of mind, your sanity, even whether you should really exist. Every bad feeling that the abuse created is magnified a thousand fold. I am quite level headed and extremely emotionally tough generally, but it left me feeling the lowest I have ever felt (not sure if we are allowed to use the s word) and it took me a long time to come back from it.

I think there is a chance that OP's family might do the same thing. It might not go that way, of course, but it might. And it concerns me whether she is prepared for that, whether she has the support in place.

I know others think that the truth coming out is the most important thing, but trust me is isn't. Sometimes confrontation doesn't lead to something better, or to a resolution - it leads to something much darker - further secrecy, more of a coverup, the throwing out forever of a member of the family. Sending the letter is easy. Handling the fallout - whatever it might be - is harder.

I am absolutely NOT saying she shouldn't do this. I'm saying she should be absolutely and fully prepared. It would be irresponsible of me to say anything else, given my own experience.

"Having kittens" seems an odd expression to use in the circs. I just would rather not have any phone calls at all.

It's only now, amidst my anger and rage (that I am finally able to direct at THEM rather than others or myself) that I feel able to do this.

I feel too that actually there are two things that will happen. One is that we can somehow get over that. But that is doubtful. I expect they will react as you have said. Two is that they will react as you have said and I choose to be NC.

With both options it will finally be off my chest. I don't feel I care if they believe me or not. Either they do and try to make amends/acknowledge/apologise or not. Either way, I'm in control of what happens next. And my DH is incredibly supportive, as is my BF. I have all the support I need.

I am sorry for all that you have been through though .

Sorry, me again. Re dreading a phone call, it is precisely because I feel paralysed by this driving need to tell them, yet if I've not told them I will just want to rage at her like nothing before!

Can you let your husband handle the call? If you see her number coming up, ask him to answer the phone (or he handles all calls that day).

Sadly you are in the loo/out/shopping/whatever when she tries to get in contact.

Don't be sorry for me, this was years ago and I am fine now . Just very worried about you. PM me if you ever want to chat.

I totally agree that they need to know the truth, but what will they do with this massive "story"? . i say story, because it is like they just call it make believe.
Do you think they will contact your brother ? he will deny it, or your aunt/uncle of the cousin involved? he will deny it.
All the shit will hit the fan, & they will probably just call you an attention seeking liar.

Or they will completely ignore it, as its too massive can of worms to open
So you will get hurt again.
You say that you don't care, but I think you will care, I think that after all these years you are hoping for them to realize at what point they failed you, but the probability is that they will throw it back in your face.

I do also think however, that you should contact your brother & cousin & tell them you are going to tell the truth.....they were children yes, but they knew it wasn't right. They should have to face up to their actions.

I feel I can't actively participate in family life any more. I want to go either very very minimal contact, or no contact. I want them to get off my case about my being distant. So I either do this without telling them why (which I am struggling with) or I tell them why. I don't know what else to do.

But shove - if you read OP early posts it does somehow sound as if they already know. So to tell them and give then a reason will make things clearer for all parties.

And if it's clearance OP Is looking for she will get it because she doesn't care any more about what their reactions will be. There comes a point when one is ready and it sounds like she is/sorry OP sounds like you are. It is a clearance for HER. I can't think why I'd bother trying to protect the feelings of toxic people who knew damn well it was wrong to do what they did (brother/cousin) and wrong to keep it hidden for so long and make OP feel her behaviour was unruly through no fault of what they had it had not done. They didn't protect her and keep her safe. She has support via good marriage and best friend. She is secure as a patent raising her own family. She no longer needs this ball and chain in her life. And if telling them destroys it so be it.