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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Don't think I can do this anymore. Think I need to go NC.

233 replies

AbsolutelyKnackered · 16/02/2015 16:08

In a nutshell I was sexually abused by a sibling from the age of about 8/9 for a couple of years. Sibling was 2.5 years older. Sometimes a cousin was also involved, he was 4 years older (than me). Parents never found out.

I was also borderline abused by a music teacher when I was 10. I quit lessons but never told my parents why. He ended up going to jail for a string of sex attacks on pupils and it was then, after CID seized his 20 year old diaries and contacted my parents (I was then an adult) that I told them.

I have never had a good relationship with my parents, particularly with my mum. Apart from all of the above we are very different and I don't like her very much. She is quite passive aggressive. My father is quite aggressive (not physically but is very tightly wound). However, I have always kept her in my life out of a feeling of obligation etc (yes, am aware of the FOG!).

My own DCs are now the same ages that my brother and I were when things started and I feel like I'm going through PST. I just keep thinking WTF on a constant loop.

I find I am surly with my mum and I know it upsets her but I just cannot bring myself to be any other way. They don't know what I have been through and I cannot tell them. So I am the black sheep and the one who causes problems because I cannot bring myself to play happily families any more - I did that for 20+ years. I am distant and that's the way I want to keep it.

I remember at around age 9 I had really bad IBS and this was investigated at the hospital. I also remember being taken to the doc as I was so skinny. I have only made these links today. I am constantly looking at my own children and thinking HOW COULD YOU NOT THINK SOMETHING WAS WRONG.

I have seen a counsellor about all this. I told DH a few years ago. I told my BF a year ago. It felt good to get it off my chest. I just feel that right now, I cannot have my parents in my life. It's stopping me sleeping and I'm having nightmares. Yet still I cannot tell them why I am distant and angry with them. But I am angry. They did not keep me safe. And I've had to play happy families ever since. And I have. But I don't feel I want to do it anymore.

It's okay to go NC right? Without being able to give them a reason why (to protect them, oh the irony). What happened to me wasn't normal, was it? (I of course also have to live with the extreme shame).

Sorry for the ramble.

OP posts:
thewomaninwhite · 17/02/2015 16:12

I have no wise words but we are rooting for you Op. For your happiness and for the happiness of your little family. You deserve it, truly.

mix56 · 17/02/2015 16:12

what about this:

^Dear Mum & Dad,
This is a letter to explain that from now on there will be minimal or no contact between uq. Whether or not you understand, or indeed believe the reasons is not going to change this.
You were unsupportive & failed me completely as a child.
You did not protect me from the sexual abuse by x, & y
You have been denied me any encouragement or opportunity to feel loved or cherished.
I have now managed to move forward with therapy & help from DH.
At this stage of my life I know that the damage has been done & I must protect my family & myself.
Everyone needs to feel loved, my time has come to cut out negative selfish people.^

mix56 · 17/02/2015 16:12

italics didn't happen !

MonstrousRatbag · 17/02/2015 16:40

I like mix56's much shorter letter. To be honest OP, I understand completely why you put so much anger into your version. However, it is your anger, rather than what you are disclosing, that your family members are likely to fix on. It may even be seized on as a reason not to believe what you are saying.

Being matter-of-fact may be more effective because there will be less opportunity to make the whole thing about your troublesome and unreasonable feelings (as they may well see them).

AbsolutelyKnackered · 17/02/2015 18:57

Noted and I agree I like mix's too (thank you mix Flowers. Mine is angry and I think it was good to get it out but I'm not convinced it's the one I should send.

I feel like I've got a bit cold feet. I'm going to mull it over and see what happens in the next few days. In a way I feel a bit gutted to now feel like this as I was relieved at my new found thunder. But it's a big thing to do and not to be rushed.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 17/02/2015 19:29

Absolutely, expect a few ups and downs. You're dealing with something huge here - you're taking a burden off your shoulders which you have carried all your life. It's normal if your state of mind fluctuates.

The important thing is that you have taken a huge step. You have realised that you were not recognising your own feelings, and were diverting your anger towards other people and things. And that your life is in your hands. You decide what you want to do and who you want to talk to and be with. It's a huge thing, and you should be very proud of yourself.

And again, we are here, and we've got your back Smile

MillyMollyMandy78 · 17/02/2015 19:38

You sound much stronger than your original post already. i'm glas you have a plan now of how to deal with things. I was actually going to come back on heree and suggest you post a draft of a possible letter here to get feedback, but you have already done so! I did exactly the same with my lettee to mum, and got some great feedback on MN. I agree that the shorter version is better - like you, my original letter was really long and listed all my grievances, hurt and anger over the years. Could you maybe write everything down just for you and burn the letter or something? Sounds a bit hippy-dippy but it was suggested to me at the time, and i think it really helped. I also kept a list of all the times they had hurt me/ let me down/ been abusive/ failed to give me the love i needed and kept it. I put it away somewhere safe so that if i had doubts or felt guilty at any point after going NC i could refer back to my reasons. I also got a photo of me at the time that my parent's abuse (emotional, and some physical) was at its worst. I looked so young and innocent that it helped put things into perspective: how can someone hurt a vulnerable child. I popped the photo in a frame and kept on my bedside table - it made me feel stronger/ more determined to do what's right by that little girl now, as nobody did all those years back.

And i completely the angst about the phonecalls. It does sound a thought NC could be the best thing for you. I agree with the previous poster who said get your husband to take calls that day

AbsolutelyKnackered · 18/02/2015 19:05

I am still mulling over the sending of the letter. To be honest, knowing that I can, any time I choose feels enough at the moment. I feel like I've crossed an abyss into feeling in control, and free to make choices about what happens next (thanks for the PP who said that). It is her bday tomorrow however and I know that won't be an easy day to get through. I had thought that DH would be working at home but he has to be out most of the day now. I don't know whether to unplug the phone or just let it ring and tell DSs not to answer it. They will ask why though and I don't know what to tell them.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 18/02/2015 20:38

Just keep the letter for the time being. You can always send it later.

You are going to have to place boundaries at some point, but I think that for the time being, and because you are particularly vulnerable now, you could just let your husband handle it and say that you've got the flu or something like that.

Keep strong.

Meerka · 18/02/2015 21:01

Suggest unplugging the phone. She doesn't have your mobile number?

AbsolutelyKnackered · 18/02/2015 21:28

She does Meerka. She doesn't call me on it though. When she moans about not being able to get hold of me on the home phone I tell her to try my mobile. She never does. Bet she will tomorrow though. Am feeling quite anxious and wonder if I'm making a fuss about nothing. But am trying to hold on to the fact that this is probably completely normal.

OP posts:
Meerka · 18/02/2015 21:31

Yes it's completely normal, no you're not making a fuss about nothing. Not at all.

You might have spent so many years putting yoruself and your feelings last that you've forgotten you have a right to them and to (judiciously) act on them.

Which you are. Hold to your guns here and to the support of your DH, BF and mumsnet.

AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 09:30

Thank you. I read recently that a holocaust survivor forgave the Nazis who killed her family and I feel ashamed that I cannot forgive my parents for what, in the grand scheme of things, compared to what that lady had been through, is not as serious.

I have been thinking about it every since. I wonder if it is because I have never told them what happened so it's the injustice etc. of having to carry it with me on top of what actually happened at the time. I don't quite understand it and feel that sometimes I should be able to forgive. But it's also that the relationships are crap anyway. I have nothing to say to my parents. They are such negative people. Any gathering always ends up with talk of how the world has gone to pot or whatever. Never any upbeat or positive conversations. My mum has no interests, no hobbies. Does nothing. So I think too that if we got on well perhaps I could forgive, but too much has happened and ultimately this is who they are and this is who I am. No common ground to be had.

OP posts:
Jumbooats · 19/02/2015 10:11

Your mum seems to have selectively forgotten most of the bad things that happened to you. What is the worst thing that can happen if they get a letter or email from you - they will never contact you again? Isn't this what you want?? I think if you dont tell them you will always be in the unfeeling daughter role anyway and nothing will be quite good enough. I Would rather get it off my chest than let it fester away for the rest of my life with grudging contact just being a huge cover up and pretence. A birthday card sent in hate is probably more soul destroying for the sender than no card at all. They might be so ashamed they would be happier with no contact themselves which presumably would be the ideal solution in absence of an apology.

RandomMess · 19/02/2015 10:15

I have skim read the above and will come back this evening.

Similarities with my own childhood and I went pretty much NC for 12 years and am only tentatively increasing text/email contact as I feel more able to handle it now plus my dc are now older and they can't be much of an influence on them if we ever start to see them regularly (unlikely as still 2 hours away)

AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 10:31

My BF suggested I write a "holding email" and that is what I just did. It said:-

"I thought I should let you know that I'm working through some traumatic historical stuff at the moment. I'm not ready to talk about it. Hope mum's card arrived and Happy Birthday from us".

It is more than she deserves right now, but I didn't sent it for her. I sent it for ME. I was feeling really sick and panicky and now I feel better knowing that I have set the expectation that they will not hear from me today or any time soon. I am studying for a degree and have a big piece of work to do this morning but I could not focus on it.

I just told my BF what someone here said - that perhaps my DB was being abused. She said she thought that when I first told her, a year ago. I feel really shocked. I never thought that. If it was DF wouldn't he have abused me too? I'm reeling now.

OP posts:
AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 10:36

Please come back random because I have never heard of anyone in this situation and I feel like I'm the only one on the planet. This is my revised letter. It's a mash up of my original angry one and the one posted here. There is some stuff I feel is really important to keep in but I think I have toned it down massively. Again, I don't think I can send it yet. But to have it pretty much good to go would help me a lot I think...

Dear Mum and Dad,

This is a letter to explain that from now on there will be minimal or no contact between us. Whether or not you understand, or indeed believe my reasons is not going to change this. You were unsupportive and failed me completely as a child. You did not protect me from sexual abuse I suffered by two older children in my extended family. I have carried this shame with me for my whole life.

I have always felt angry towards you, but to keep the peace I have tried to push it deep down inside me. To protect “the family” I have lived with this awful secret for most of my life. To protect you I have suffered more than you can ever imagine. To protect everyone other than myself I have had to “play nicely” with these people for the rest of my childhood, and into adulthood. And yet you have always seen me as the troublemaker, the difficult one. You have no idea what I have lived with.

You have openly admitted that you never worried about me because “we knew you’d be okay”. You have admitted that it was my brother who needed the care and concern. As a result my needs have been neglected and that is not okay with me.

As well as this you have denied me any encouragement or opportunity to feel loved or cherished. I have now managed to move forward with therapy and help from my husband.

At this stage of my life I know that the damage has been done and I must protect my family and myself. My children are everything to me. I am looking back at that little girl I once was and doing everything to heal her. I deserve that, and my loved ones deserve that too.

I know this will hurt you and I am sorry for that, but that is not my problem. It’s time you knew why I have struggled to be a willing and happy member of this family.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 19/02/2015 10:39

Your db may have been abused - by one of your parents, your cousin, or someone else he came into contact with. Or maybe he wasn't.

But honestly, I don't think you should give that to much headspace right now. He abused you. Why he did it is kind of secondary. Maybe it'll come out if you confront your family with this but more likely you'll never know and you could drive yourself mad with all the who, whens and what ifs that that train of thought can lead to.

AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 10:42

I hear you Barbarian. I think my issues is that if he was abused that changes how I feel towards him. And also if I send this letter or not. Could I send it an not say who it was (as in above)?

I'm so sorry to keep posting about this. It really is so helpful to me though and I am so grateful for the replies.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2015 10:45

Promise I will come back! I've never told my parents about what happened too much in fear that they would choose him over me anyway. Also in some ways I think it would destroy them further - not only have they got this errant dd who has let them down/not let them have access to her dc but they would then also have to accept what their ds did.

Also there is a part of me that wonders if they know but chose to ignore it? It's a whole can of worms that I don't want to open - I don't want it to be public knowledge what happened to me for my sake.

shovetheholly · 19/02/2015 10:47

Thank you. I read recently that a holocaust survivor forgave the Nazis who killed her family and I feel ashamed that I cannot forgive my parents for what, in the grand scheme of things, compared to what that lady had been through, is not as serious.

OP, I've tried to set down some thoughts. They are all about the longer term. If right now you need a period of NC to feel better, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that - I don't want you to think that anything I say is anything more than some musings on the deep future. Smile

First of all, please don't beat yourself up that you don't feel forgiveness right now. It does not make you a bad person or a lesser person AT ALL. There is no 'ought' about forgiving - feeling that you 'should' feel one way, but you don't only makes it all a lot worse.

Also, you can't compare one kind of pain with another - you can't quantify it with a number - because after a certain point it just goes to infinity. And I think your pain is there, and so is that of holocaust survivors.

And sometimes I think the struggle to forgive someone is just too difficult to be worth it. If you can't do it without jeopardising your mental or physical health, then it is best to cut the relationship off instead (remembering that no decision is for all time). There are some wounds that just are too deep.

If you do decide to go down that road, forgiveness is a very, very long process and an extremely arduous one to achieve, and then to maintain (and it does need constant maintenance, because as life circumstances change, new wellsprings of pain can spring up from the past). I actually think it's a very profound thing to forgive, and far more complicated in its dynamics than we really have modern language for - it's not just a reconciliation with the past and with circumstances, but a kind of self-reconciliation too. A kind of self care if you like - the only way of really laying aside the anger and pain once and for all so that the past no longer colours everything in the present for ourselves, not for others.

One of the things about it is that I don't think you can achieve it if you're trapped mentally in the old family dynamics. You need to be able to stand apart. You don't need to be like your parents, to interact with the world as they do, or to agree with their decisions to love them in your own way and with your eyes open to their limitations and failings (and they do sound pretty large in the case of your parents). And part of that love can be accepting that the relationship is what it is - you're not going to change them. Acceptance looked at in this way sounds very passive, but when you turn it around, it also means that you, too, have an absolute right to be the person you are, independently of their approval, disapproval, or indifference. You can push away the scapegoating, and reject it for what it is - a false, sick way of diminishing you that has no bearing on reality. That also means that the relationship won't necessarily be symmetrical: in fact, it's likely to be quite one-sided if one of you is independent and the other embroiled in family dynamics. I would put it to you that it is this independence within yourself that you need, and that the issue of revealing the abuse to your family is a kind of separate one. (Very important, but separate).

I hope you don't mind me writing down a couple of things that I've been thinking about abuse itself, based on my own experience at the hands of a mother who was really quite mentally ill and thus not capable of taking full responsibility for what she did. I think when it comes to abuse like that which you have sadly suffered, you are facing an act which should never, ever happen - something so terrible and so infinitely wrong that it stretches the limits of language and of emotion too. One of the difficult things about this kind of abuse is that we fall back on more familiar narratives to understand it, hence our need to identify criminals who prey on children. But in a case where abuse is committed by someone who isn't capable of taking full responsibility, in secret from all other members of the family, then who is to blame? At whom should your rage be directed?

It would be very, very easy in such circumstances to start blaming yourself, which of course is entirely, completely and absolutely wrong though sadly very normal, especially for children in these situations. If you have been scapegoated by family, then you have that self-blaming narrative ready-made to pick up, even if those scapegoating you are completely and utterly ignorant of the abuse. So feeling rage at your parents and their tendency to scapegoat you (which is a lesser kind of abuse in its own right) may be a kind of substitute for rage at the greater abuse that you have suffered, where there is no clearly identifiable, adult perpetrator - no-one to blame or lock up - in spite of the fact that there is still the same pain and the same struggle to deal with the consequences.

Speaking entirely personally now, I spent years and years struggling to make my situation more black and white than it was, to blame my mother's actions and my father's passivity, to 'confront' them and bring the truth to light and rage at them for what happened. Actually, it was only in my 30s that I could face the fact that it was a morally grey situation, a kind of moral vacuum created by a very unhealthy family dynamic and a complete lack of institutional and social support. Eventually it became surprisingly comforting and calming to see it in a more rounded way.

BarbarianMum · 19/02/2015 10:57

I understand that but please don't tell yourself that it must therefore change how you feel about what happened to you. You need to acknowledge and deal with that pain, regardless of the wider context. Don't fall in the trap of being so understanding towards everyone else that there isn't enough understanding left for yourself.

I can't really advise about the letter.

AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 11:48

shove thank you for your post. I don't mind you writing any of that down. I'm struggling to get my head around some of it but I get the gist of most of it. I am going to re read it later too and I appreciate all your thoughts.

I get that it's not really anyone's fault and that's partly why I don't want them to know. I don't want to get my brother in trouble or indeed make things difficult for him. I don't even want this revelation to change the relationship between him and my parents (they are much closer). It could be that he has blanked out what happened, or he was abused or whatever (incidentally my grandfather lived with us for a couple of decades and now that has crossed my mind). Ultimately I think I am still thinking about all of them, and their needs at the expense of my own.

I am so over my parents and wanting/needing/expecting any kind of relationship/this one to improve. They will never change. I have confronted them before over ways they have treated me and they have never acknowledged/apologised. After several of these conversations over the last few years even at xmas when I left the room my mum said to DH "I don't know what we've done wrong". I want to be left in peace but be able to be guilt free about that. Trouble is I get all these comments about how I treat my mum. My dad wrote me a Dear John letter about 3 years ago. Referred to "how you speak to my wife". Thing is, I am never rude or sweary or disrespectful. I am a closed book is all and I cannot sit and make small talk with them. So their definition of how I am with my mum is just that I'm not how they want me to be.

I feel that telling them what happened gives me permission to feel the way I do towards them.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/02/2015 12:08

Back briefly! My parents have never shown either of us any emotional support but want us to play happy families once a year at Christmas or similar - can't stand it.

I have forgiven my parents but it's taken many many years and a few lots of long therapy.

I too have looked at my dc and thought "how could you ignore the fact that I was clearly so so unhappy!" I made many mistakes with my eldest but I accept that and we talk about it etc. and she knows I will always be there for her no matter what. Sometimes dh and I discuss how different our nuclear family dynamic is to the ones we each grew up in - I've said "Are we deluding ourselves that they are happier than we were?" - our dc actually want to spend time with us Confused

AbsolutelyKnackered · 19/02/2015 12:09

I'm going to PM you random...

OP posts: