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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Me and the other woman are pregnant

169 replies

Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 18:05

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has a four year old son who I love to death. But the mother of his son is the spawn of satan. Throughout our relationship, she's been disrespectful. Well recently I found out I was pregnant, and his initial reaction was that "he's not ready for another child" and he wanted me to get an abortion. Now this crushed me because he was always telling me he wants to have kids with me and start a family but as soon as I get pregnant, he does this. We started arguing a lot because I was heartbroken by his reaction. Because we were arguing, he cheated on me with the mother of his other child , and now she is pregnant too. Her and I started arguing (I know it was stupid, but I was angry) and she found out that I, too was pregnant. She was going to get an abortion but as soon as she found out about me, she decided to keep her baby. And now I'm stuck as to what I should do. Do I get an abortion and wash my hands with this situation forever, or do I keep the baby? Me and him are no longer in a relationship anymore, so I don't need people saying "leave him alone" blah blah blah. I just really need some guidance . I have literally no one to talk to because all my friends have turned on me since I got into this relationship ( I only had like 3 friends to begin with ) and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family for fear of being judged . I want to be with him so bad but I know I cant . He's told me a million and one times that's he's sorry and he regrets whats he's done. But with the heartache I have, sorry isn't going to fix anything . I know in some cases people do make it in their relationship after things like this happens , but idk . I'm so confused right now. Keep the baby, or get rid of it ??? Please help me without being rude

OP posts:

mammuzzamia · 16/02/2015 22:43

I read the OP's last post as being very confused about what to do still and not a given that she would continue with the pregnancy. Every time she's tried to 'get' an abortion her EX has confused her again by telling her she didn't have to.

Personally I wouldn't go ahead with a pregnancy in that horrible situation, but I'm not the OP and can't, and wouldn't advise her to follow a particular course

Buttholelane · 16/02/2015 22:43

I was only responding to a previous comment about 12 weekers!

Someone commented that (despite some scientific research) babies couldn't possibly feel pain despite having a nervous system.

What is it with pro choicers getting so defensive all the time?!

By the way, I am not actually a pro lifer. Just do you know.

I was correcting a previous (wrong) opinion that a 12 weeker isn't formed and stated a fact that there is patchy evidence to show 12 + weekers show pain due to the development of a nervous system.

It's not my fault that certain people can't handle facts that go against their opinion.

Pro choicers are no better than the die hard pro lifers.
Neither group seems able to look at the situation in a balanced light, it's your way or no way.

Unless I've missed something the op isn't terminating anyway so what's your problem?

Buttholelane · 16/02/2015 22:45

Well Mam, I stand by my original comment - if you have any doubt at all, then don't. You can't reverse it.

Jackieharris · 16/02/2015 22:46

Op- make sure you register the birth alone and don't take him along. Don't give him a noose to hold around your neck for the rest of your life.

Koalafications · 16/02/2015 22:55

My problem is posters coming into a thread spouting about late terminations and what a foetus can and can't feel. It's a highly emotive subject. If you want to discuss what a foetus can and can't feel, start your own thread about it.

FWIW, I don't identify with most pro choice people so it's not that I am a staunch pro choice person. I just cannot bear to read posts with highly emotive language about terminations to a very vulnerable 21 year old who is in a horrible situation.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 23:00

jesus, butthole, stop living up to your name, willya

mammuzzamia · 16/02/2015 23:06

Well, I don't know what the answer is, Butt. But I do think if the OP has doubts, as she states, then she needs to weigh up her options without pressure from the EX or anybody else before making a decision E.g. counselling.

springydaffs · 16/02/2015 23:16

Im so sorry you're in this very difficult situation OP. iiwy I'd get along to a support service where you can talk through your options. Choose a service that has no agenda so you wont have anyone wading in with their agendas like on here . hopefully they'll also refer you to a service that will support you with your depression (going by your NN) and the shock and upset of this painful situation. Xx

plinkyplonks · 16/02/2015 23:18

"if you have any doubt at all, then don't. You can't reverse it."

This, a million times.

And this isn't about him, it's about your baby and your body. Your decision shouldn't be based on him, it should be based on you and your baby - that's it. Counseling definitely needed as late terminations are not an easy choice. It's important not to sugar coat either having a baby or a termination - no one really talks about the negative emotions, emotional pain and grief you can feel after having an abortion, and it can come as a huge shock.

Good luck OP x

NeedsAsockamnesty · 16/02/2015 23:58

Given that a few posters have taken issue with what I said.

This is the bpas procedure for a post 15 weeks TOP

www.bpas.org/bpasknowledge.php?page=161

Marie's stopes state they only may use this procedure my understanding is they may also use the surgical procedure BPAS use before 15 weeks.

www.mariestopes.org.uk/women/abortion/surgical-abortion-explained/what-will-happen-me-surgical-abortion

The op came on here to seek support about her situation and ask about a perfectly legal valid fairly routine medical procedure that is her absolute right to choose. How helpful are emotive posts trying to guilt her, when she has no need to feel guilt.

What ever the op does decide to do will be the right decision for her it is her life her body and her choice, she may change her mind several times up to the point when she loses the ability to do so. And that is perfectly ok if she is ok with it. Not one person here has any right to pressure a vulnerable woman having a very difficult time.

op do you have a relative or close friend in real life that you can seek support from one that will hold your hand for you if you need it and help distract you from thinking about your Bf's poor choices? If you do decide to have the baby they could be a huge help to you even something as simple as knowing someone will be happy for you if you want them to be or console you if you don't can be a huge help.

Eekaman · 17/02/2015 07:45

OP - I'm sorry if my post offended you, it definitely wasn't intended that way and seriously, I wish you all the very best with your situation. xx

DixieNormas · 17/02/2015 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GaryShitpeas · 17/02/2015 09:16

Op only you can make the decision

But I had my dc1 quite young (not much older than you) knowing full well I'd be a single mum

It wasn't easy but me and ds were so happy ...and eventually I met now dh and had two more dc

So it is doable x

Transporter · 17/02/2015 09:42

OP, one thing to remember is that whatever decision you take you cant be suprised if you have a few regrets or 'what if' moments later on in life.

You need to be as sensible as possible and make the right decision for yourself but there is no point trying to completely rationalise any decision to the point of certainty.

ohtheholidays · 17/02/2015 10:01

I can only tell you my experience.

I had 3DC all sons,2 from my first husband(I was divorced by then)and 3rd DS with my fiancee,who I'd been with for 3 years.I found out my then fiancee had been taking drugs(I have zero tolerence for that and he knew it)our youngest DS was only 11 months old.

I kicked him out and then 4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant again,I was on the pill and breastfeeding my youngest DS at the time.I was nearly 3 months pregnant by the time I found out.

At the clinic the DR gave me a letter to take to another clinic to have an abortion and I did think about it.But I couldn't do it.

I went on to have my baby,a little girl.She's 11 now and great.
I was 27 when I was pregnant with my 4DC and on my own.

I had my first 2 weeks before my 21st birthday and all though I was married I was very much a single parent,he was awful.I had to divorce him because of all the abuse I suffered from him.

I have 5DC and a good husband now.

Only you know darling what you can cope with.You sound like you have you head screwed on right and it's good that you have a good job and a decent income behind you that's half the battle won there all ready.

ohtheholidays · 17/02/2015 10:04

She's 11 now * not snow

Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:27

I just think you are putting yourself in a dire situation that will affect the rest of your life. There is no need to fear having an abortion. It is not painful or shameful and you will feel back to normal within a day. You will feel relieved that you can get on with your life as you want.
You will be free of all this. I know you would like a baby and there is plenty of time in the future with a loving and supportive partner.
Bringing up a baby alone will be extremely difficult and I know I couldn't do it in these circumstances.
Seize the day. Reclaim your own life. I promise you it would be for the best.
I wish you a wonderful future.

Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:32

Feel free to PM me. If you were my daughter that would be my advice.

Drumdrum60 · 17/02/2015 10:35

Obviously this happened to me and I don't regret termination at all. Went on to have two wonderful healthy babies once I'd finished uni. Was not an unpleasant experience at all.

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