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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Me and the other woman are pregnant

169 replies

Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 18:05

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has a four year old son who I love to death. But the mother of his son is the spawn of satan. Throughout our relationship, she's been disrespectful. Well recently I found out I was pregnant, and his initial reaction was that "he's not ready for another child" and he wanted me to get an abortion. Now this crushed me because he was always telling me he wants to have kids with me and start a family but as soon as I get pregnant, he does this. We started arguing a lot because I was heartbroken by his reaction. Because we were arguing, he cheated on me with the mother of his other child , and now she is pregnant too. Her and I started arguing (I know it was stupid, but I was angry) and she found out that I, too was pregnant. She was going to get an abortion but as soon as she found out about me, she decided to keep her baby. And now I'm stuck as to what I should do. Do I get an abortion and wash my hands with this situation forever, or do I keep the baby? Me and him are no longer in a relationship anymore, so I don't need people saying "leave him alone" blah blah blah. I just really need some guidance . I have literally no one to talk to because all my friends have turned on me since I got into this relationship ( I only had like 3 friends to begin with ) and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family for fear of being judged . I want to be with him so bad but I know I cant . He's told me a million and one times that's he's sorry and he regrets whats he's done. But with the heartache I have, sorry isn't going to fix anything . I know in some cases people do make it in their relationship after things like this happens , but idk . I'm so confused right now. Keep the baby, or get rid of it ??? Please help me without being rude Sad

OP posts:
Lweji · 15/02/2015 21:33

Ups, it slipped. Or... educating her. :)

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/02/2015 21:34

Clara - that was unnecessary!

OP - if you have made up your mind then can I just say that I was 18 when I fell pregnant with my DS and 19 when I had him. I brought him up on my own from age 3, it was so hard!!

Having said that, he is 21 now and an amazing young man who I have never for one second regretted bringing into this world. He is everything to me.

I wish you all the best and just concentrate on you and your little one.

I am not anti abortion, even after losing 2 of my own tiny ones. It's a terribly difficult decision to make.

NeedABumChange · 15/02/2015 21:37

It your situation I would abort and cut all ties with this man and his family.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 21:38

I recommend that folks advance search Clara and all will be revealed

onceIloved · 15/02/2015 21:40

"the father's behaviour is down to personality, and probably has a lot to do with the way he was raised"

I didn't think it was that certain... are only the offspring's looks defined by their genetics or something? I thought the nature/nurture argument was an area that was completely inconclusive.

Not being horrible, genuinely wondering if you knew a bit more about this?

handfulofcottonbuds · 15/02/2015 21:42

I won't AF as it will make me so cross but I will never understand those who just say awful things just for the attention and to get their name mentioned.

This poor woman is going through a devastating, life changing decision - I hope that the idiot is proud of herself!!

Lweji · 15/02/2015 21:42

There will personality traits that are genetic, but they can be used "for good" or to make someone nasty.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/02/2015 21:43

My dad is a Twat and I've turned out just fine.

There's never really a good time to have a baby. I did the 'right' thing, got a career, a house and a husband and now we are struggling to conceive.

Good luck OP, you sound as though you've made your decision and I'm sure you'll be a great mother.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 21:44

Clara's post isn't the only awful one we have had on this thread.

The twats seem to be out tonight.

SycamoreMum · 15/02/2015 21:46

I was/am exactly in the same situation as the OP and I kept my baby. I refused to have an abortion just because the "sperm donor" turned out to be a dickhead. He has another daughter with an ex but I refused to even meet/talk to her from the get-go. Far as I saw it, I'd do it alone and try my damn hardest to raise a good child who would have all my love (and money lol). Shes 10 months old and I couldn't imagine my life without her.

I will say if you do keep your child then you really have to put your big girl panties on and step up to the plate (of course). Trust me its hard work ( i had nowhere to live, I worked but kept no savings etc) but everything kind of falls into place if you put the work and energy into what you want/need.

Hope all turns out okay for you. :)

LineRunner · 15/02/2015 21:47

OP, good luck to you, and I am sorry a couple of idiots have not been helpful or sympathetic to you on your thread. The vast majority have, though, and will carry on trying to help and support

stubbornstains · 15/02/2015 21:49

once I have to admit that that comes from my own experience, and lots of examples of emotionally abusive partners I've seen on the "Relationships" board. It seems to be a pattern that really unpleasant men are often enabled and supported in some really out of order behaviour by their families. It's my personal opinion that the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree, in the sense of learned behaviour.

Genetically inherited behavioural traits.....hmm. Actual psychopathy is down to nature rather than nurture I believe? However, parenting has an influence on how that psychopathy develops.

I still think that behaviour is more generally down to nurture, but perhaps there's someone a bit more knowledgable out there who knows some more facts and figures? Blush

goldvelvet · 15/02/2015 21:50

^^ i really think it's a mixture of the both one of my children is total nightmare he has inherited both of DH and I's bad points unfortunately Blush DH was a very naughty child and I was a very stubborn child. He has always been testing, his older brother on the other hand is very different but they have both been parented the same.

I can see my youngest ds being a bit of a PITA for years to come as it truly is his personality! (DH's mum can see a lot of DH in him) Which we've accepted and can anticipate certain aspects of his behaviour. But DH has grown up into a model citizen, small aspects of worse points do flare up occasionally as do mine! But it doesn't define his personality.

So in short DH was a massive PITA as a child and so is his son... his mum likes to call it Karma.

Not that this has anything to do with OP as her ex is an arse because he's a cheat, and that kind of behaviour has no correlation to a child's behaviour.

idokidok13 · 15/02/2015 21:54

Clara wtf that is horrible!??

clareth · 15/02/2015 22:09

You've made your mind up, and I promise you, you won't ever regret having your baby.

You will need support for sure and at times it will seem tough, but its hard regardless of whether you're a single mum or with a DH...babies are hard work but so rewarding. Keep the dick head away and surround yourself with a good strong support network and you will be fine.

All the very best

DixieNormas · 15/02/2015 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stubbornstains · 15/02/2015 22:19

Oh God yes goldvelvet, my DS (5) is massively stubborn and rebellious and will argue the toss for hours (he's lovely too, honest!) , and every time my parents see him doing this they will cackle and call "Karma"- honestly, was I ever really that bad?! Blush.

But....that's not quite what I meant in terms of inheriting behavioural traits...I suppose I was responding to clara's implication that the child could grow up to be a wanker because its dad is.

I guess what I mean is that the job of good parenting is to nurture the good traits in a child and temper the bad, and to instil a sense of respect and decency towards other people.

So, I'm fairly confident that, although DS could well grow up to be an awkward, gobby character when it suits him (I mean, I still am), there is no way, with me raising him, that he would get away with becoming a manipulative sociopath who treats women (and, in fact, everybody) like dirt, like his father does.

Transporter · 15/02/2015 23:24

OP, if you decide to go ahead with the pregnancy how will you manage support wise. You say you have no one you can turn to in real life?
What about housing? Do you live on your own? Is it secure?
How about your job?is that secure? If you go ahead with the pregnancy will you be able to work once you have the baby?

I was also wondering what prompted you to post today? Has his ex's pregnancy only recently come to light?

You sound very young - I know people can be very mature and can be good parents when they are young but you still have years and years left in which to have a baby - then you can have one with someone you love in a happy secure environment . You would also be (presumably ) more secure job wise and money wise.

How will you feel having to potentially share custody with your ex?

BlueDressingGown · 15/02/2015 23:38

You sounded from the start like you wanted to keep your baby and I'm glad you've realised that. It's going to be hard work and you are very brave - but I guarantee you that there will also be moments of such unbelievable joy that you won't be able to even consider the idea that he/she might not have been in your life. Congratulations on your baby. xx

Daffodilium · 15/02/2015 23:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImperialBlether · 16/02/2015 00:06

Did you actually read the OP's posts, Daffodilium? If she had gone for a termination, it would have been perfectly legal and her choice.

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 00:10

Nasty post, daffo, irrespective of what decision the OP has made.

LucyBabs · 16/02/2015 00:18

FFS Daf its a foetus! And its the op's choice not yours

stayanotherday · 16/02/2015 00:18

I'm so sorry this has happened love. Please see your GP to start getting some help and they can put you in touch with local groups or something for support. You could consider getting checked for STI's. He sounds horrible and seems like he's played you off against each other.

CaminanteNoHayCamino · 16/02/2015 00:22

A 15-week-old is a foetus. It is not capable of surviving outside the womb. You are of course entitled to your opinion on termination Daffodilium but to call a foetus at that stage of gestation a fully-formed baby is factually incorrect.

Good luck OP. Flowers