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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Me and the other woman are pregnant

169 replies

Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 18:05

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has a four year old son who I love to death. But the mother of his son is the spawn of satan. Throughout our relationship, she's been disrespectful. Well recently I found out I was pregnant, and his initial reaction was that "he's not ready for another child" and he wanted me to get an abortion. Now this crushed me because he was always telling me he wants to have kids with me and start a family but as soon as I get pregnant, he does this. We started arguing a lot because I was heartbroken by his reaction. Because we were arguing, he cheated on me with the mother of his other child , and now she is pregnant too. Her and I started arguing (I know it was stupid, but I was angry) and she found out that I, too was pregnant. She was going to get an abortion but as soon as she found out about me, she decided to keep her baby. And now I'm stuck as to what I should do. Do I get an abortion and wash my hands with this situation forever, or do I keep the baby? Me and him are no longer in a relationship anymore, so I don't need people saying "leave him alone" blah blah blah. I just really need some guidance . I have literally no one to talk to because all my friends have turned on me since I got into this relationship ( I only had like 3 friends to begin with ) and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family for fear of being judged . I want to be with him so bad but I know I cant . He's told me a million and one times that's he's sorry and he regrets whats he's done. But with the heartache I have, sorry isn't going to fix anything . I know in some cases people do make it in their relationship after things like this happens , but idk . I'm so confused right now. Keep the baby, or get rid of it ??? Please help me without being rude

OP posts:

ShiaLeBeoufsBathTowel · 15/02/2015 18:42

I say that because you sound youngish. If I wanted a baby at the age I am now, I would probably tell him I'd had an abortion and keep the baby without him hanging around.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 18:43

How far along are you?

If it were me, and I was less than 10 weeks I would have a termination. This sounds like such a toxic situation and it wouldn't be one I would want to be involved in long term.

But that's me you need to decide what's right for you

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 18:46

But AF, the father could have input and make OP's life difficult.

LudoDown · 15/02/2015 18:52

If you continue the pregnancy you'll be tied to this man forever. So that's one thing to consider. You'll also be tied to his ex forever as you'll share half-siblings, although that part may or may not have a big impact on your (and your child's) life.

There is a chance he'll disappear and you'll be a 100% of the time lone parent. That's the best option for you at the minute I guess, but could have a big impact on your child (could, not would).

I don't think it's an ideal situation to bring a baby into, but only you can decide whether to continue the pregnancy or not.

Good luck, whichever option you go for.

PastPerfect · 15/02/2015 18:52

I'm also not sure it's helpful to "take him out of the equation" since the reality is a baby with this man would tie you to him for the rest of your life. You need to consider whether you could have a baby with this man. Deciding you coil dnt is nothing to feel bad about

LudoDown · 15/02/2015 18:56

Sorry, I forgot to say that there is also the chance he'll disappear now to try and make a go of things with the OW as a family. But you may end up forever living in fear of him getting in touch because he wants involvement with the child. Which is likely to happen if things crash and burn with the OW.

SelfLoathing · 15/02/2015 19:00

If you continue the pregnancy you'll be tied to this man forever.

That doesn't follow at all - it will depend on circumstances.

There are plenty of men who have no contact with their children - through choice or circumstance. Eg. Cecil Parkinson and Sara Keyes.

Another eg: a former colleague had a child in marriage with his then wife. They got divorced and she married a man from Canada. Moved to Canada and had 3 more children; the first son regards the Canadian guy as his de facto father. The birth father can't afford to travel there so to describe her as "tied to" the father of her first child forever is a bit misleading. In an abstract sense its true, in a day-to-day sense it couldn't be further from the truth.

Original poster

Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 19:06

I'm 15 weeks and I'll be 21 in two weeks for everyone who asked . Thank you everyone for the feedback, I know the final decision is ultimately mine to make, I just need a little guidance being as though I have absolutely no one to talk to

OP posts:

LudoDown · 15/02/2015 19:07

Yes, that's true. Many children have no input from an absent parent whatsoever. However there is no guarantee that that will be the case for OP.

To use your example, if OP continues with the pregnancy, meets a Canadian man and wants to move there to start a family with him, taking her child with her, the babies father may bring court action to prevent her moving and taking her child with her. He may or may not be successful, but it's still tying your life to someone else and could cause an awful lot of stress.

Then again, he may never be heard from again. But I think OP should be prepared either way.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2015 19:09

OP, at your age you really, really need to reconsider all this. Do you have a Brook Advisory Clinic near you? They will help talk you through all your options.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 19:10

How do you feel about having a termination?

How would you feel if he had no I involvement with your DC?

How would you feel if he petitioned for access, and got it?

Transporter · 15/02/2015 19:11

I'd abort - but you must do what suits you. Being g a single parent can work out ok for some people but given the choice it's better to have children with someone you have a good relationship with. It depends on your age and your views of abortion.

Rebecca2014 · 15/02/2015 19:11

You are so young :(

Just because you are having his baby does not mean you have to stay with him. The ex will always be in your life and if you stay with him, it is very likely he will cheat on you again with her. Why wouldn't he? he got another woman pregnant yet you still stayed, so he got away with murder really.

I think at 15 weeks I can understand why you would keep the baby...you are so young and your in a Jeremy Kyle type situation, I feel for you.

RaisingMen · 15/02/2015 19:12

I don't think strangers on the Internet can help you with this. We can only say what we would do based on the few facts you've given us.
How old are you? What is your financial situation? Are you prepared to do this completely alone? Are you prepared to allow this man regular access to your child if necessary? Do you have any RL support at all? Most importantly, do you want the baby?

TabbyNicki · 15/02/2015 19:12

What a situation. Personally I wouldnt keep the baby. I would get away from him too, if you think she was bad before, she going to get a lot more shitty when you both ahve a small baby.

MerryMarigold · 15/02/2015 19:14

I think if you want the baby, you really need to think through why. If, somewhere deep down, you are hoping it's going to bring him back, then you need to think some more.

slithytove · 15/02/2015 19:14

In your position I'd abort, and get as far away from this cheating, feckless bastard as possible.

Can you see yourself linked to him for the rest of your life?

Hypotenuse · 15/02/2015 19:15

OP you will need a support network if you decide to keep the baby. I would factor that in to your decision, would your family support you? Emotionally, not financially.

TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 19:16

Oh sweetheart. You're so young. But 15 weeks is so far too. I'm so sorry you're going through this xx

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 19:19

...you are so young and your in a Jeremy Kyle type situation

That's a horrible thing to say to the OP.

NoStrange · 15/02/2015 19:21

I would separate the baby issue from this twat of a man. Do you want a child? Can you support a child? Do you have any family who could support you through a pregnancy and motherhood? If yes, I would continue with the pregnancy. If no, then you know that you need to look at your other choices.

In terms of the guy...he sounds absolutely awful. Feckless, immature and quite cruel. What on earth do you see in him? You have only been together for a year and in that time he has cheated on you, had unprotected sex with another woman, got you pregnant and then turned on you over it (after presumably enjoying unprotected sex with you) and has basically fucked with your head on a grand scale. Fuck him. Whatever you do, please...end the relationship properly (no sex, cut communication etc) and give yourself some time and space to make the right decision for yourself.

saltnpepa · 15/02/2015 19:22

You could tell him you have had an abortion and then leave him and his ex and have nothing to do with them for the rest of your life, you could then go and get on with your life with your baby. Nobody can advise you whether to continue with your pregnancy or not but one thing is for sure it has nothing to do with him either way from here on in. Find someone in rl to talk to, even if it's just the Samaritans.

Eekaman · 15/02/2015 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ImperialBlether · 15/02/2015 19:25

Show some compassion, ffs, Eekaman. She's a very young woman with a heartbreaking decision to make.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 19:26

Is there any need for you to post that, Eekaman?

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