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Original poster

Me and the other woman are pregnant

169 replies

Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 18:05

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He has a four year old son who I love to death. But the mother of his son is the spawn of satan. Throughout our relationship, she's been disrespectful. Well recently I found out I was pregnant, and his initial reaction was that "he's not ready for another child" and he wanted me to get an abortion. Now this crushed me because he was always telling me he wants to have kids with me and start a family but as soon as I get pregnant, he does this. We started arguing a lot because I was heartbroken by his reaction. Because we were arguing, he cheated on me with the mother of his other child , and now she is pregnant too. Her and I started arguing (I know it was stupid, but I was angry) and she found out that I, too was pregnant. She was going to get an abortion but as soon as she found out about me, she decided to keep her baby. And now I'm stuck as to what I should do. Do I get an abortion and wash my hands with this situation forever, or do I keep the baby? Me and him are no longer in a relationship anymore, so I don't need people saying "leave him alone" blah blah blah. I just really need some guidance . I have literally no one to talk to because all my friends have turned on me since I got into this relationship ( I only had like 3 friends to begin with ) and I'm too embarrassed to talk to my family for fear of being judged . I want to be with him so bad but I know I cant . He's told me a million and one times that's he's sorry and he regrets whats he's done. But with the heartache I have, sorry isn't going to fix anything . I know in some cases people do make it in their relationship after things like this happens , but idk . I'm so confused right now. Keep the baby, or get rid of it ??? Please help me without being rude Sad

OP posts:
SelfLoathing · 15/02/2015 20:26

At 15 weeks, you need to make a decision asap and the faster the better.

I agree with those saying go to an advisory centre and talk it though; they will have seen your situation and much more before.

Personally, at 21 years old, I would have a termination because it would have been too life changing for me. But strangers on the internet can't help you because there are so many variables:

  • your moral view of abortion/whether a termination is something that you would find difficult to live with.
  • your financial situation
  • the availability for support in your life (friends, parents, grandparents, the father's financial and emotional ability to support you)
  • your own life aims and ambitions and whether those would be thwarted by becoming a single mother or could be managed alongside being a single mother.

Please, please go to a specialist advice centre and speak to someone there.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

idokidok13 · 15/02/2015 20:29

OP I was 21 when I got pregnant with my son, it's hard work and all though I don't regret having him now he's here, I can 100% see the benefit of waiting until a more secure relationship and situation, things would be so so much easier if I had waited.
Of course this is your decision, whatever you decide just dont base your decision on your ex, he won't change, he won't be any help.
I feel for you I really do, its so hard but there is support whatever you choose, you just need to do what's best for you and what you feel you can cope with.

Original poster
Depressed13 · 15/02/2015 20:41

I really do not want to get an abortion. I attempted to go through with it 3 times already and every single time, he was always telling me " you don't have to do this if you don't want to," basically confusing me even more. Im really scared of getting an abortion and being as though I am so far along, I know I'll regret it . I do want to keep this baby , I feel like I am capable of doing it, but other times I do doubt myself . I make a good amount of money and I am in a position to be getting a promotion at work in the next couple months, but I also understand it's going to be hard without him with me every day like how I'll want him to be .

OP posts:
LudoDown · 15/02/2015 20:43

I think you've just answered your own question OP.

Wishing you all the best.

slithytove · 15/02/2015 20:47

In that case I'd keep the baby but lie to and ditch the douchebag.

He is not going to change. Not going to be a good partner.

Is he a good dad to his 4 year old?

Beware btw. If he has painted his ex as the spawn of satan but gone running back to her, chances are it's not entirely true. Something not nice about a man who chooses to be unpleasant about the mother of his child as well.

Congratulations on baby. Many women do this with great success every day and I'm sure you will be one of them.

slithytove · 15/02/2015 20:48

And if you don't ditch him... PLEASE protect yourself. Keep your money and finances separate. Make sure he contributes his fair share.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 20:49

I think you have your answer then, OP.

I wish you the best of luck Smile

honeyroar · 15/02/2015 20:51

Good luck. But remember he will be involved. He knows, he will want to see the baby, the baby will end up, at some point in its life, spending time with his ex and her child.. You will be forever tied to this man.

Personally at your age I'd move on, get back on your feet and have children with someone who really loves you and wants a baby with you.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 20:55

honeyroar OP, has said she doesn't really want to have an abortion.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/02/2015 20:55

OP, you have answered your own question, but please ditch the boyfriend, he cheated on you and will do so again.
The ow sounds a nightmare and if she will keep a child she doesn't want to manipulate your x boyfriend then they sound well suited.

Make sure he supports you financially, it is not yours nor your childs fault he decided to father 3 children, let him pay for the privilege of being a father like all the others do/ or should do.

I wish you well
Good luck Thanks

Branleuse · 15/02/2015 20:57

im so sorry for your predicament. Keep your little baby and tell him its not his anyway

VinoTime · 15/02/2015 21:03

Nobody can tell you what to do sweetheart. It's a choice you have to make on your own. And it's a shit choice, because either way you'll question it. Children can bring you so much happiness - the kind you didn't think you had enough room to house. First steps, first words, first tooth, first smile, first day of school, first time you hear the words, "I love you, mummy." They're precious. Nothing compares to them. I had my dd just after I turned 20 and I've always been a single parent. I regret nothing. I made my choice and I stand by it. I look at my daughter now and think: Holy shit - I made her! She's fucking awesome and she's all mine! Pat on the Goddamn back for Vino!

But I'm 27 now. I have time behind me and that time wisened me up. I've struggled through more shit and dire circumstance than I care to remember and I can firmly say my God she was worth it. But there were times where all the bad stuff sunk me completely. I had to learn how to fight against it. I had to grow up far too quickly and I missed out on quite a lot. I didn't get my degree, I don't have a good job, I haven't travelled the world and I had sit back and watch all of my friends be twenty-something and fabulous without me. There were a lot of times where I felt like the world was moving and I wasn't. It's heartbreaking. At least, it is until it isn't anymore. I went through a bit of a mourning period that I now refer to as head up arse syndrome. I snapped out of it eventually. It was crawling through all the crap to get to the better part of life that was, well, less good, you know? Grin

Bottom line? A pros and cons list won't help if your heart refuses to listen. But the heart won't always lead you down a sensible path. Have a good hard think. Picture where you'd like to be in 5/10/15 years time and then picture where you imagine you'll be in 5/10/15 years with a baby. It might help Smile

And your ex is a twat of the highest order. Your new life motto for right now needs to be fuckhimfuckhimfuckhimfuckhim!

honeyroar · 15/02/2015 21:09

Yes I got that bit Koalifications

stubbornstains · 15/02/2015 21:12

OK, you don't want an abortion. You want to have the baby. You have made up your mind. Congratulations!

So, the big question now remains: how are you going to handle twatface? Having had my own EastEnders moment with my own twatface (I was 35. I kept the baby. All is now fine, but twatface doesn't see him), I can't stress to you enough how important rigid boundaries are going to be regarding this bloke, especially when you are pregnant and feeling particularly vulnerable to any bullshit. So, I would:

Tell him you're keeping the baby (it's going to get out sooner or later, and will only create more drama if you're not upfront), then CUT CONTACT until the birth. If he makes a lot of fuss about wanting to see his child etc etc, allow him ONE MEETING with you to explain to him that that will be possible- and you'll be in touch when the baby is born.

CUT CONTACT with the OW. She's not your problem, and there is nothing you can do about her situation. Maybe, in future, your child will have a relationship with hers- this would (possibly) be positive, but it's not really within your control- it would be up to your ex to facilitate this.

When the baby is born, contact your ex (and maybe his parents?) to let them know. Let them know they're welcome to have a relationship with the baby, but don't push it too hard- in the end this will be their decision. Also, at this point ask to meet your ex for a chat re: child maintenance. Read up on how the CSA works in advance, in case he's uncooperative.

That's probably enough advice for now Grin.

Except that I can't stress hard enough to not let twatface flit in and out of your life while you're pregnant and vulnerable, playing with your head and letting you think you can depend on him for anything. You can guess what I did, can't you? Grin.

ClarasLovelyYoungMum · 15/02/2015 21:12

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fluffyraggies · 15/02/2015 21:24

the baby might be just like him and he sounds like a tosser.

I rarely do this, but that is an awful thing to say! This poor baby has a shit for a father but has a loving mother and every chance of growing to be a wonderful person.

Congratulations on your decision to keep the baby OP. I wish you well. Distance yourself from the BF and his ex and get on with the important business of looking after and protecting yourself and your baby Flowers

VixxFace · 15/02/2015 21:25

15 weeks is far too late to have an abortion imo.
You have got some good advice regarding the dickwad though.

goldvelvet · 15/02/2015 21:25

Brining up a baby is really hard and it sounds like you don't have much support from friends or family. In which case it's going to very draining financially and emotionally.

zippey · 15/02/2015 21:25

It's your choice, and I'm sure you will make a great mum.

It's important that your ex knows his responsibilities, especially financial, to your baby. His parents will also maybe want to be involved when the baby arrives.

I would try and harbour less malice towards his ex gf as well. she has probably faced as many mind games and abuse from your ex as you have, which is maybe why she is as horrible to you as she is.

stubbornstains · 15/02/2015 21:29

I have to disagree with you there clara- the father's behaviour is down to personality, and probably has a lot to do with the way he was raised, and the decisions he made as an adult. Being a twat is not genetic!

And a quick read of the Relationships topic on here can show you that sometimes it's much, much harder bringing up a child with a partner who isn't pulling their weight than it is doing it alone.

championnibbler · 15/02/2015 21:31

I would have a termination if I were you.

Koalafications · 15/02/2015 21:32

This thread is bringing out some really nasty posters.

zippey · 15/02/2015 21:32

I also agree that Clara's post is out of order and quite a nasty and emotive thing to say. On the same hand the baby could turn out to be nothing like him and turn out lovely. Who can tell.

If you want the baby you should have the baby.

Lweji · 15/02/2015 21:32

It will be hard, but if you want it deep down, you will make it ok for you and the child.

My only advice is not to count on him for anything. Always presume you will have to do it alone. It will save you heart ache.

And this is your baby and I'm sure it will be as lovely as you are, particularly because you will be educating him.

At some point you will have to tell your family and I'd reach out to your friends. They may well be there for you at this time.

goldvelvet · 15/02/2015 21:33

I think if you've decided to keep it you really need to start building a support network and not be too proud or embarrassed to ask for help now. I had my first when I was 20 and it was damn hard socially as all my friends were at uni I did make new "friends" (who I had nothing in common with bar having babies and being youngish) I'm married to my ds's Dad now have more kids and all my friends are married and settled down too so happy ending but he was never a twat.

Having a baby at young age can be very isolating so I suggest start going to pregnancy yoga, and making friends now. It will set you in good stand for the future.

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