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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

999 replies

greenberet · 15/02/2015 12:08

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - Brew, Wine and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other Flowers often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us Smile

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 10:15

Me time:

Just went to post the following then remembered I had a dream last night about a car that was all squashed and bent!

But, tomorrow PM:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=l1nJC4CXsok

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 10:33

Hobbit's is best with "is it in". Also......

I've had better
or
Is that it?
or
Where is it?
or
That was it?
or
Can't find it
or
Can't feel it
or
Finding someone better! (Like this one personally!)

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 10:40

Or (first name) (surname) who?

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 10:45

Or:

Keep on walking
I'm over you
You are history
Too late now
Open your wallet

Haha

greenberet · 19/02/2015 10:48

Morning izzie oh yes forgot they have simple brains!

I actually think I am beyond analysing too - I get it that he thinks everything has to be done his way or not at all - I can see clearly the dynamics that were in his own upbringing and how he has adopted the same view. My focus is now making sure the kids are aware!

perhaps you're just having a regroup - you have survived the initial impact and now its a case of rebalancing yourself ready for the next part - think this is what Im currently doing too. I can get back to yoga next week and that helps me - think its what has transformed me!

hobbit came up with the 3 little words - IS IT IN! haha keeps me chuckling Grin

is it more painting today - i've got kids stuff to do today - joy!

OP posts:
greenberet · 19/02/2015 10:50

yep all of those will do just as well!

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 10:54

Yoga?? Ooh no, against my religion!

And yes, definitely regrouping

No painting today, at least not for a while. Today I'm a lady who lunches.

Then I may do some housework. May......

Catch you both later, have a good one

greenberet · 19/02/2015 12:25

do you know I am sick & tired of having to justify why I feel that certain behaviour is abusive - i think i have done enough navel- gazing & research to know what is what - thing is he has done such a good job on the DD that she doesn't know her arse from her elbow - iwas you will get where I am coming from here - I didnt just wake up one day and say ok lets go with the abuse thing this sounds like a good game plan- this has been a gradual realisation over many years. This is what they dont have to deal with now they have buggered off - the emotional fall out - because too them there is no emotional connection to anything in the first place - its all about their "wants"

OP posts:
greenberet · 19/02/2015 12:32

well this freedom programme - did you do online or in person maybe i should consider it so I can spout with more conviction

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 19/02/2015 13:02

Either, or - obviously face to face is better because you get to talk about your experiences and hear other's, so forms a sort of talking therapy. Online you don't get to talk to others about your emotions or bad experiences so they sort of circulate in your head. You get to write about them though - so that helps.

I recommend it because it helps you see that so much about control is not the physical violence but the emotional - how you just get worn down over time. I think it would be good for you.

greenberet · 19/02/2015 13:14

thanks well I know it is emotional i am at that stage now where I can pinpoint any communication into a category and justify why it is abusive - im struggling with the kids they are questioning everything - understandably they dont want to see things in a bad light - but I can't let it continue otherwise it is going to keep causing problems between us. He is still able to mess with their heads with the reduced contact he is having with them.

OP posts:
familyofthree2014 · 19/02/2015 14:14

Hi guys. Green I joined the freedom programme online and I can read it at my 'leisure' which is good because I can choose to do it when I'm in the right frame of mind. It is quite hard to read at times when you realise how wrong things were and like WWK said the thoughts do circulate in your head. I think it would be very good for you though.

I am still feeling generally more positive, with a few wobbles here and there. Low Contact is really helping me and keeping busy is my best option at the moment. When I stop and think I sometimes get quite overwhelmed at what has happened and how uncertain my future is. But when I am in a ponderous mood (rather than low mood) I think that my future wasn't really very certain with him anyway. He really was a zapper of life and I have never felt so alive as I have since he has gone. I think I was numb before - to all feelings both good and bad. I've had moments since splitting where I have never felt so low (remember sobbing my heart out in bed and just saying 'help me' out loud over and over again) but also I've had some really good times too. Times that he wouldn't have approved of or joined in with. I'm who I was meant to be; just a tougher version.

Hope everyone is having a good week with some nice plans for the weekend. Hope divorce Friday isn't a shocker this week - I think I might be in for some stuff...

Hobbitwife001 · 19/02/2015 14:19

YEY! I WIN! At least I've won at something, maybe I'm just using personal experience ;)

Hobbitwife001 · 19/02/2015 14:28

I feel much more positive after seeing my counsellor this week. She gave me a lot of pointers and tips of what to say at mediation, as she used to be a mediator( although not divorce) at one time.

But the thought of actually ringing for an appointment and doing my form E ramps up my anxiety. I will have to leave it till the weekend to do it as I can't risk having a panic attack when I'm in work later.

I could feel my heart beating faster and my chest getting tight when I started to look over the forms. I need to do this though, I need spousal maintenance as I want to try and keep the family home.

I will have to buy him out using some of the pension pot, but don't mind that. At least then if I have to sell eventually it will be on my terms and not because he forced the sale to give him his share.

Hobbitwife001 · 19/02/2015 14:32

What are you ladies doing re the family home?
Are you staying, or planning to move on ?

Can you give me any advice re mediation and spousal maintenance claims?

familyofthree2014 · 19/02/2015 15:00

Hi Hobbit glad the counsellor helped. For me, Mediation was useless because he had no intention of talking things through; it was purely so he could say he'd tried so he could take me to Court. He didn't try. I hope your situation is different to this! FWIW the Mediator made me feel at ease and during the one session we had, barely commented but did query him on a couple of ridiculous things he said. I would try not to fear it and see it more as an opportunity to get things moving, closer to your freedom. The forms are daunting - can you try and take one page at a time rather than think you've got to complete the whole thing in one go?

As for the house I am hoping to buy him out. I will have to take on a second mortgage to do this but I am adamant I want the children to stay in their home. Plus it is so pretty now!!

Hobbitwife001 · 19/02/2015 15:21

Thanks Famlly, it's helpful to hear of other people's experience of these events, it's takes the fear out of them a little bit. Are you allowed to take anyone in with you or not?
Just know I'll be so anxious on the day, I haven't seen him for about 2 months :(

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 15:41

Hi Hobbit See below copied and pasted from another thread I started to try to find answers...got some but also ended up trying to help others in the same position! This is me.......

In December we had our first individual sessions. I was asked what in particular I wanted to focus on (finance). I was asked a rough estimate of my assets. This meeting had a set charge, should have lasted about an hour but I was in for longer. The mediator explained the process etc and asked about any worries etc.

Any communication to the mediator thereafter outside meetings is done via an assistant who has been brilliant at letting me know whether STBX confirmed appointments etc. EG when he was asked his availability in January and didn't respond I suggested the assistant give him an actual date.

We then had our first joint meeting in January. I think they are expected to be around 11/2 hrs. We were in for just over 2 hrs. This is now on an hourly rate which will include any prep work the mediator has to do and writing it all up afterwards.

It was conducted in a very non confrontational way - just 3 chairs in the room, no table. The mediator tried to conduct the way the meeting went but we did go off at a tangent a lot - very quibbly timewasting stuff. As stbx and I had not seen each other for months there was a lot to discuss so it was difficult to stay focused. We were also expected to bring all our documents - we had been given a list at the first meeting. This includes reasonable needs for now and the future. This is basically what the meetings will be based on I think - who needs what re accommodation and living expenses. Unfortunately he didn't bring his. We also both signed a contract basically saying we agreed to give mediation our best shot.

About a week late I received the notes of the meeting - what had been discussed and points for us each to focus on. We have also been given a date for our next meeting this month (they are about a month apart). stbx has been asked to submit his paperwork prior to the next meeting so it can be distributed for our perusal.

I would say the mediator so far has been brilliant. It's true they can't give advice but they can say things like how the court system works and "have you thought about this?". It will also only work if both sides want it to and are fed up with solicitor's bills/procrastinating

...So that was what I posted. He then cancelled the next meeting as he still hadn't done the p/w and we are rescheduled for next week.

We didn't have to do a Form E as such - just something similar. I rewrote it into spreadsheet format on the computer to make it easier to work with.

I didn't have much of a problem with it all - in fact enjoyed it in a strange way because it's all part of getting things sorted. I scanned everything onto the computer instead of just copying it just in case I need it again and created one folder for statements etc and another for reasonable needs.

I have not exaggerated anything as I use a computer programme fro reconciling all statements etc and have done for over 15 yrs (anal or what!!!) so can prove anything asked. Presumably you have a list of reasonable needs suggestions as it's easy to forget stuff. I think banks/credit cards send you something once a year in a chart saying where you've spent your money?

Gotta go now...HTH Smile

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 16:16

Back now…

Took a couple of weeks to get first individual appt. I was given the forms to fill in at this meeting, to be completed for next appt, the first joint one a month later. I had not seen stbx for over 6 months and over the past year have only seen him to give him his post and say “this is your post, please get your own redirection sorted”. I was really nervous at seeing him again but it really wasn’t that bad.

Hopefully if you have a good mediator they will help allay any fears and won’t put up with any bullying behaviour. They will give a pretty good idea of how to sort things out – whether it’s pension sharing, getting a mortgage, taking DC into account and their costs etc. Really it all comes down to how much is in the pot, how much is available, what you both reasonably need to live on and how to go about it. EG she asked if we could both get mortgages due to our age and income…{I can’t but he can}. She also though it reasonable that he should contribute to DD2 about to go to uni for her time there

Re spousal – can’t advise but it comes down to who has what/can afford what/needs what. It’s also important to get a clean break order and although payments for DC don’t affect this, not sure if spousal does?

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 16:56

Hobbit I've not read all of the thread from lunchtime but picked up your comment re house and pension lot. Here's a link for. You to ponder. Also, typing in financial mistakes women divorce on the ipad will bring up allsorts. I'm sure your solicitor will advise you well, but I will provide link anyway x

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/10229495/Top-five-financial-mistakes-women-make-in-divorce.html

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 16:56

Pot, NOT lot

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 17:01

Again, still. To having read thread this afternoon.....I have made it clear to him that I don't want to forsake any claim on pension to secure the house. As much as I don't want the upheaval and the house works for me, I would rather downsize if necessary. As it is, I think because of his circumstances he may retain a financial interest in the house. And I know what that means and will cross that bridge when I come to it. That is my thinking. So I'm blinkered on keeping pension out of the equation, as it were: I'm going for all I can pension wise. I'm too close to retirement. 53, to think otherwise

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 17:02

Still not having read, I mean......

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 17:50

Hobbit plenty of advice online re spousal maintenance. Also, this may help re completion of Form E

www.advicenow.org.uk/advicenow-guides/family/applying-for-a-financial-order-without-the-help-of-a-lawyer/how-to-fill-in-form-e,10404,FP.html

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 17:53

That was a really helpful post re mediation, bobs