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Original poster

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

999 replies

greenberet · 15/02/2015 12:08

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - Brew, Wine and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other Flowers often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us Smile

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
bobs123 · 19/02/2015 18:04

Useful link to help with form E Izzie - saved it for future reference in case we go to court. So far, because the solicitor and mediator route is only voluntary, I haven't had to fill one in. We have just submitted pretty well the same stuff in different format.

Mind you, if we do go to court, he will definitely have to produce details of "that other pension" he has, and I know he has, and he knows I know he has but he somehow can't track down Smile

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 18:18

bobs The other thing I picked up about form e is that it's a snapshot of things at the date of compilation. So bearing in mind all those little expenses we forget about, it's worth remembering to keep it as a work in progress and not just to file it away when initially completed. Whether court or not, it's a good form to do as it has all the info needed for negotiation

And that hidden pension, exactly!

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 18:24

I use a computer programme for reconciling all statements etc and have done for over 15 yrs (anal or what!!!)

Are you my ex in disguise?? Grin

Although I must say it came in very handy when we were burgled. He could put his hands on all receipts very quickly.

And that's why he has resented me touching the financials since he's left. I refuse to use the computer prog. He once said he would miss doing the finances if we split up!

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 18:26

Mind you, if we do go to court, he will definitely have to produce details of "that other pension" he has, and I know he has, and he knows I know he has but he somehow can't track down

How lucky for him that you have sufficient details to give him for him to check it outGrin

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 18:29

I'm hoping not to go too far down the legal eagle route too, but if I do, I will enjoy making him show me what's in the credit card statements he's had since he left. He will HATE me invading his privacy, as he sees it. It would be worth the fees just to see the expression on his face.....

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 20:10

Haha Izzie it was he who bought me the programme (Quicken, since converted to iBank) so that I could reconcile all his statements....little did he know 21 years later....! I even wonder whether I could actually make a case for contributing more than he as I have all the proof!

He started being secretive with his statements a few years ago so yes, he will also resent the invasion of privacy...tough Grin

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 20:11

No I absolutely do not want to go to court but might not have a choice, so need to be one step ahead!

WellWhoKnew · 19/02/2015 20:49

Bobs No point in proving who contributed what - doesn't matter, unless you have made a unique contribution to the marriage (e.g. a premiership footballer), or you have a long heritage to protect e.g. your name is the Queen!

So in the box which asks about 'special contribution' to the marriage just put 'fully'.

It was the most heavily written in box of all the boxes in MrSW's Form E!

But at court, I mentioned that I felt I had contributed equally in my own way to the marriage and HIS barrister agreed I had contributed fully. MrSW was most upset. We would all agree that his contribution my divorce has been somewhat unique...

The pot is added up at the point of separation but you are married in (holy) union so you're one entity until you divorce. Less than one month...

Tomorrow is Friday everyone who has legal eagles...brace yourselves.

SM Hobbit is either 'Interim Periodical Payments' e.g. to tide you over between separation and absolute, or Periodical Payments after absolute.

As with all financial disputes, you can only turn to the courts if you have tried to negotiate some SM provision (and failed) in the interim. So you need to try for it at MIAMS in the first instance. If he's refusing currently to a) pay bills, mortgage etc but he has the means to do so (as well as pay for his own 'needs') then you can turn to the court. I can't remember the form name - but it was 'ex-parte' which was because it was an emergency - I was running out of money fast, and bills were incoming even faster.

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 21:11

To less loftier financial matters. My car. Which will form part of the separation agreement in due course. He has been in touch with garage....and he says "I have paid for car mats"......oh cheers, in that case I assume it's a late VDay present and won't come out of the settlement.

Actually, ALL money is his. All the fruits of his labour. My salary is just a figment of his imagination......

OP posts:
Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 21:32

Earlier this evening the kids and I were putting away the shopping. Usual lively banter. I felt really happy. The three of us are a complete unit. I'm so pleased to see them so happy after years of tensions etc.They deserved so much better than that. They have both acknowledged that they are happier now.

Izzie595 · 19/02/2015 21:45

Green mine is being done as it would have been done, although I may be a bit more feminine on occasion. It was enough in my house when I got scatter cushions. We don't need them for comfort, but they look nice. The kids used to take the piss and pile them all up on one chair because "we are being invaded".

Hobbitwife001 · 19/02/2015 22:53

Hi everyone, thanks to all of you who posted some advice for me re mediation and spousal maintenance , it is gratefully appreciated.

I think I have a lot of reading to do!

bobs123 · 19/02/2015 23:09

WWK the bit about contributions was said rather tongue in cheek. I know darn well that I contributed more - both financially from non-matrimonial assets, and physically and paid for pretty well everything for the DDs (only one more school fees payment - woo hoo) As a result this has left me claiming off the government. However I realise that means nothing in the divorce process.

However...The pot is added up at the point of separation That is Scottish law isn't it? In English law it keeps on being re-added up to the point of the consent order being signed doesn't it? So if one side becomes depleted or the other, say, inherits something it can all change?

Err...what is it about Fridays? Last year my sol used to write on a Friday.

Izzie really sorry but when I changed my car I got a set of mats thrown in for free - the only concession they would make Smile

WellWhoKnew · 19/02/2015 23:25

No worry Bobs E&W law, however, there is in some circumstances some carry over into the interim bit, e.g. bonuses etc (but not usually earnings) but it's one for the lawyers not for me as it is gets complicated pretty quickly. Obvs SM is paid out of earnings so there's clearly some carry over...

Yes depletion and lottery winnings and inheritances are excluded and can be claimed on if the circumstances call for it as far as I know. However, not always...again one for the lawyers.

Them legal peeps always send shit on a Friday. I have no idea why...

Deckthehallswithdesperation · 20/02/2015 04:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Izzie595 · 20/02/2015 06:01

bobs future inheritances see this link for example. Plenty more info online
www.mayowynnebaxter.co.uk/blog/the-treatment-of-inheritance-on-divorce/

Mats.....he negotiated a good price and asked for and got mud flaps, which are 3x the price of the mats. He didn't ask for mats at the time [he likes mud flaps for some reason!]. So two weeks after agreeing the purchase, I think he was pushing his luck Smile

Decks he's not going to make it easy for you, is he? Hiding assets, you can employ someone to search, If you're not aware what assets he may have that you are not aware of, forget what they are called. A friend had to do that. Otherwise, see this for example www.divorce.co.uk/your-finances/hidden-assets-on-divorce. Plenty advice online

WellWhoKnew · 20/02/2015 09:53

Decks I give you the award for easiest questions to answer of the day.

a) because they are cunts
b) because they are cunts
c) because they are cunts.

In more normal speak

a) because they are cunts
b) because they are cunts
c) because they believe they are going to get away with it, because they believe you don't deserve any of it, because they don't want you to have anything, and finally because they are cunts.

Hope that helps!

familyofthree2014 · 20/02/2015 10:11

Hobbit you speak the truth!

I wonder when it will all catch up with them. It seems to be the case that they don't get away with it eventually but by that point, we won't care. Wouldn't it be amazing if we were just like 'meh' and then just got on with our new fabulous lives. I would probably enjoy letting everyone on here know though! I don't think that makes me a bad person...

Original poster
greenberet · 20/02/2015 10:14

hi all

"Izzie" so good to hear that you & your kids are all feeling happier - what is it with cushions - they look nice but always end up being chucked on the floor here! in "being done as it would have been done" do yo mean you doing it :-) same here - seems SAHM also double as painters & decoraters amongst their other skills!

seems we are all hitting the finances together - i can feel that my anxiety levels are creeping up again - I have instigated (as usual) more info re kids schooling and given today as response so I can deal with it next week if i have to.

But the levels are up as I have no idea whether he will ignore, if he does will it be the usual vague fob off which then leaves me feeling abused or will he man up & do what he is supposed to do so that the uncertainty is dealt with - gut feeling highly unlikey therefore spiking anxiety and feeling on the verge of tears again!

well i know where you are coming from -do u need a hug? - i never used that word until dealing with this!

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Izzie595 · 20/02/2015 10:17

I don't think that makes me a bad person..

Who gives a damn if it does! Apart from them of course. I'm right with you on that. I will be announcing it too, to all and sundry. And with a big "TOLD YOU SO!!!" Their crime is a lot worse, so bugger all that turning the other cheek stuff. Actually I wonder if I will feel sorry for him....but I won't dwell on that now, it spoils my illusion Grin

familyofthree2014 · 20/02/2015 10:25

Hee hee. Can you imagine if they knew we pitied them?? Can't imagine they'd like that very much. There would be a sadness in that it was all for nothing in terms of losing the marriage but I am determined to make my life better than it ever could have been if this hadn't happened. It would be sad for him, not me.

There was a time when I wished bad things would happen to him but I think that did more damage to me than anything else. So now I try to be indifferent and trust that it will happen in the end because you simply can't go through life treating people like he has and get away with it.

There was a really good quote from another post about the OW. Something like... 'I pity her. She thought she was saving him from a bad marriage. But in actual fact she has liberated me!' I love that.

Original poster
greenberet · 20/02/2015 10:45

family = that quote - totally agree they probably also think they will be the ones to make them change - I know how long it has taken me to see things differently and this was before I even realised there was anything wrong - i went through a period of counselling 15 years ago so had already done a lot of navel gazing - cant see any of them even considering doing any of this.

had a difficult day yesterday prob due to DH bday & him refusing to alter his plans around the kids - kids sparking off too so they obviously struggling & I just shouted at them that sometimes I wish I could just clear off & leave him to sort it all out - the house, the kids, everything - i did tell them that none of this was personal to them just frustration at being left to clear up his shit & feel like I am having to cope with everything as cannot trust him on anything

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WellWhoKnew · 20/02/2015 10:45

I don't pity him though - I actually hate him, loathe him for what he's done, and continues to do and this is awful to say but I almost hope I never change my mind.

Sometimes I do still feel guilty for fighting back and denigrating him - so clearly I still have some compassion, but it's more that I'd hurt his family as well, and I'd want to avoid that. So I suppose the day I can unleash myself from my marriage mindset, will be day I feel free.

I really love your new mindset family - weren't you the one who said "I've cost my children their father", I hope you have stopped thinking like that now?

Original poster
greenberet · 20/02/2015 10:58

family - that quote - totally agree & they prob think they are going to be the ones to change them - good luck - so far just seeing the same old thing ie total bullshit!

had a tough day yesterday prob due to DH bday & him not being prepared to alter plans to accommodate kids & kids sparking off too - obviously struggling with it all still. I lost it and shouted at them that sometimes I wish I could just clear off & leave everything to him to sort out, the house, the kids all the shit hes left behind. I did tell them none of this is personal to them just frustration that he cant face up & deal with his own shit like a decent human being.

Its wrong that we should have to endure this emotional torture down to their failings, I would be over this by now if he was man enough, so would the kids they would be starting to heal, the sooner EA gets recognised as a crime the better - this isnt just a personal thing, the amount of Drs time I have taken up dealing with this, the counselling I am having to go through, and the long term repercussions on the kids is what concerns me the most.
I get the wanting to end a marriage - I can even get over the affair but all this fuckwittery this is the crime and its a crime against my kids too!

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