HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

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I think it is the thought of being in rented, not being able to paint the walls, not knowing how long I will be able to stay there that I hate. If I am honest I am not too attached to this house. We moved three months before he decided to be off. Downsized. Convenient? Yeah I am a mug. I thought we would be more comfortable financially and go on holidays etc, not that he wanted to reduce costs so he could more easily ship out. We sold a house I loved, we built it in what was our garden, well I did as he was too busy playing cricket. Did it without an architect or project manager. That was the family home.

For lots of reasons I just want some stability for a while. For me and boys.

Unfortunately there are a lot of reasons a marriage breaks down and the family home has to be sold - and not just because there is an OW. And in the eyes of the court how badly one side has acted means diddly squat (unless there is attempted murder or such-like!). It's all down to assets, income and reasonable needs and feelings have nothing to do with it

As far as rental goes, we downsized drastically and the DDs have said they are much happier as "He" isn't there. We painted the walls (they had graffiti on them). You can paint them as long as you paint them back if they are an "odd" colour. My bedroom had pink, lilac and magnolia walls when I moved in! They are now all cream so I have done the landlord a favour and she was quite happy for me to do this.

I don't think you should move until you have the finances sorted Fuckit. Then at least you know what you have to spend and can pick something that suits you and your means for the long term>

I'm renting and it's fine. Anything that goes wrong gets fixed for you. I'm enjoying having a break from the decorating and upkeep. If you can find a landlord who has the place as an investment and if you keep it nice and pay your rent on time you should be fairly secure.

Yeah it's great when the boiler breaks down and the landlord has to sort it!

Hi all, I see a lot has been happening on the thread today, none of it good.

I've not long been in from work, and I have a day off tomorrow, unexpected, so I will give all of it some thought.

My most immediate crash is what your friend SHL has said about the house, Hobbit. I'm absolutely gutted for you. I have a few thoughts about how you can view this, but they are not well formulated at the moment, so I don't want to post anything until I've had a good chance to think it all through. It's something I may have to face too, although I think you know I'm not as attached to my house as you are yours. I'm doing a lot of work on my house, as you know. I really have no idea whether this will end up being a practice run for another house.

Relations between us have dived since Thursday's encounter. He has totally blanked my texts about the builder's rescheduled visit. Do I care? No. But it's impossible to read what's going on in his mind. As always. I half expect to come home to a divorce petition one day. Do I care? No. Would it go down well making me look the "guilty party"? It would give me something else to done out on, the sheer irony. And it will further damage his "relationship" with his sons. And as they don't seem to care about that, neither do I. In fact, call it just desserts.

However, I digress. I will get back on the thread later once I've done a few things and had a few thoughts about various things.

A good time to remind ourselves,ladies, though, that we still have our sons and daughters with us. And that is worth more than anything in the world.

KOKO xx

i am back from mental health - despite blubbing most of my way through it it comes to something when they say "frankly im amazed you are still able to manage a smile with what you are going through" - I haven't been labelled a nutter as STBXH will have everyone believe - I have been offered more help. It also shows how long you have been invalidated when your default thinking is "I thought it was me" - but when you speak from the heart - you don't need to embellish, you don't need to play games, you don't need to put others down in order to make yourself superior you just speak what you feel and your truth is heard.

seems like the mind games continue with the kids and me - STBXH has told kids I want them to move schools over stay in the house- what i want is for them to STAY AT THEIR SCHOOL AND KEEP THE HOUSE which is what STBXH said would happen when he left - None of this would be an issue if he had had more control over his private parts - only now there is not enough money for him to maintain the lifestyle he feels hes entitled to unless I agree to live in a shoebox and use the equity for school fees - no judge is going to agree to this when there are only two more years of school except you want to twist things still to make me look the guilty party. If your private life is private tell BF to keep it private and stop goading it all over twattoo. I am not stalking you - I am keeping an eye on my financial interests which you seem to be spending left right & centre - is BF aware of the lack of funds or are you buying her - funny how you find this behaviour abusive but not your own - you must be of the same ilk as MR Snowy WHitey! Everything I do is a reaction to you - never instigated.

and why are we going to court - oh yes I am spending the kids savings on trying to get more than I am entitled to - nothing to do with your refusal to provide financial info then - one day when the kids want to read this it will all be here - they can make their own minds up!

Everything I do is a reaction to you

Snap! Just because I can wipe the floor with him in the verbal sense, does not validate his despicable behaviour. And using the word "fuck" is not actually anywhere near as bad as fucking someone who is not your wife. And neither is pointing out the unpalatable truth make me a demon. It just means I'm pointing out the unpalatable truth that he doesn't want to hear.

They call all that lot harrassment.

The kids will make their own minds up Green. And it sounds like both of yours are getting a good angle on certain bits already

the kids have been told we cant agree - you are right we cant - or more to the point I wont agree to what you dictate - but that is neither here nor there currrently - because until you provide the info I have requested I am not in a position to negotiate - so right now the answer is yet again you can F88k OFF!

and ill tell you how much of my headspace this is taking up - i forgot to tell the MHT that I am being treated for BC until half way through the meeting - says it all doesnt it!

Hobbit re the house. A couple of things to ponder:

1. My brother made the point that whatever the bricks and mortar, we still recreate our own style in the next house. So to a certain extend it is not so very different. I accept though, that it doesn't take account of certain fixed items and is a bit of a simplistic approach.
2. If you have to accept the house move, you may be more keen to ring fence his pension stuff for your future, rather than throwing all of it at the house. I've read that it's a huge financial mistake to forsake his pension to keep the house. It will cause problems later on. If you later have to sell the house to release capital for retirement, the costs will come from your pot of money, rather than the joint pot if it is sold as part of the financial settlement. I think that as you will not have an immediate emotional bond with any future house, you are likely to be more keen to keep the cost of it within your means rather than using the pension pot to supplement the purchase. I so hate that phrase "within your means". It's so bloody condescending. But, I don't mean it in the way those twunts would use it, I'm just being pragmatic. I don't mean to offend you, not for one minute.
3. Divorced friends have told me that just buying a property where the ex never lived makes it much more your own. There are no blurred lines, no misconceptions on their part about their "right to enter". It was never theirs, and never will be.
4. On the basis of the above, again there are no blurred lines about getting them to clear out all of their stuff.
5. You can get further away from the pair of them
6. New house, new life. Symbolic.

I've looked online at other properties if I have to move. I've considered a move further out of town as well. That has helped me to see that there are other properties that I would be happy to live in. I would definitely be happier if I had a smaller garden. I'm trying to see the whole thing as a chance for a new start for me and the kids. We all need to think about what we all want. Not easy of course to balance the needs of all three of us. DS1 would quite happily move to the other end of the country with me. DS2 is highly unlikely to embrace that. It does piss me off that the twunt doesn't have to consider others in that way. But, it's a fact that I see home is where the heart is. Which is where the kids are. I'm certainly pissed off that it looks like I will have to spend my retirement in an area of the country I don't want to be in. But I will sacrifice that to be with and near my sons.

It still all stinks though, Hobbit, I fully appreciate that.

I'm glad you have two years breathing space, and that should allow you the time to think about what you want for your new future. We all have a future, although at the moment it doesn't feel like we are doing anything other than treading water. But, we've talked previously about re evaluating our priorities and plans. And that is something that both you, and I, will be doing.

And as you say, allsorts could happen in two years time.

I think there is some good advice for me too there Izzie, thank you for taking the time.

I am trying to weigh up slightly more pension v being able to house boys. Son number one has had a bonus today - he reckons it will take a year off his deposit saving if the Government do add cash for first time buyers!

I told him that was yet another reason for me to never vote Tory! I was kidding (although would never vote Tory!) I am really impressed by his grasp of finances. He is certainly not following in his parents' footsteps - very pleased about that!

Totally agree with who ever said above at least we have our children!

Green - it is kinda sad we need to hear that we are doing OK because all confidence in ourselves has gone - nonetheless I hope you do feel validated. This is a shit process and to have serious health issues to add into the pot is just not fair! I am trying to do the mindfulness thing - I am quite sure it helps but never seem to have sufficient time. Daft I know.

Tabbie I will certainly not tell you to butt out because your words have exposed some conflicting thinking on my part. Financially, I have always assumed that if he leaves her he will be on his own, and therefore his financial needs would be more than if he were with her. Yet common sense has always told me that, cliche as he is, he would only leave her for someone else.........and who knows what her financial situation would be.

Oh durr! Can't believe I hadn't spotted that before. That's the good thing about people questioning your assumptions, spotting the flaws!

There are a number of other factors delaying my decision to push ahead, all financial, but yes I really need to think again in the light of my previous paragraph. And yes, I agree that generally it's best to get the financials agreed before things deteriorate further and whilst they still feel some obligation.

bobs thanks and I haven't forgotten re PM. I'm very interested.

And is everyone here aware of how the general concept works re the financials? Following on from bobs' explanation! I would also recommend taking a look at Wikivorce, which has a very rough divorce calculator. In the same way as bobs said to play around with the figures! so you can do that on there. It takes a minute or so just to sign up to use the calculator, then you can twiddle away indefinitely. It's definitely given me a feel for the best and worst case scenario, depending on what assumptions both he and I might make. And there are also so many good solicitor websites, which give lots of valuable information. I've certainly been able to get a feel for how some potentially contentious issues in my own situation may be treated.

Following on from bobs' explanation,

Comma! Bloody ipad keeps breaking into exclamation marks!

No probs, Fuckit

I've put a link to an article which also gives a very basic view of how to treat his pension when divorcing. Food for thought, and a springboard to investigating further

www.telegraph.co.uk/finance/personalfinance/10229495/Top-five-financial-mistakes-women-make-in-divorce.html

There are also different ways to grab a share of the pension. Can't remember it all now, but you could just tack on to him, so that you get payments when he does. Which means you are at his mercy as to when he retires. And of course it stops when he dies. Or you can turn it into your own pot, so it's up to you when you take it. Must bear in mind that one method would include contributions still being made by him, I think!! But the other method, no more contributions from him, what you get is what you get. There is a lot of info about all this online. I would definitely recommend being fully informed before making any decision. And I also think all of the research you do will mean that you won't fall victim to a rubbish solicitor.

I've made it clear to both the twunt and my sons that his pension will not be taken into account in the discussions, in the sense that I don't intend to forgo a penny of it to allocate to housing or anything else. I will be going for as much as I can pension wise. I'm aged 54.

It is absolutely shit that any father could not support his children until they are financially independent enough to fly the nest. Both of my sons are adults, and legally he therefore has no legal obligation to support them. Both of them are careful with their money and have saved well. If he makes them have to contribute more to my household I will be bloody fuming. They need every help to get in the housing ladder. And I live in an expensive part of the country. Whatever he does to me, that's one thing. But my sons, his sons......

The awful thing, though, is that he's just an average twunt. So, just on the basis of the experiences of the posters on this thread, he will sell his sons down the river, it would seem.

May I just say that, forgetting the financial stuff, I'm so much happier now than I've been in years. In fact I am happy! 4.5 months since he left. I've been the exception on this thread that the financials haven't come into play yet, so I've not had to deal with all of that. I've had the emotional and the practical decorating to deal with only. So I predict that when your heads are clearer re the financials, whatever that entails, you will also feel better. Ok most of my nightmare happened in the years before he left, so his leaving was on reflection some relief. A bit like the funeral. But hopefully, like me, you will soon feel happy/happier.

I just thought some positivity would be good tonight.

Now I've said all that, I wonder if I will have a crash shortly!

I would prefer he had a fatal crash in his brand new car of course. With her too

Hi Izzie my love, thank you for your kind words, I didn't sleep very well at all last night after what my friend said re having to sell the house. The trouble is there isn't enough equity to buy another house outright, and I wouldn't get a mortgage on my income, so my choices are limited.

But,you are right, we have our sons, and their price is above rubies

Thanks for taking the time to,put forward some proposals, take care honey,x

Hobbit I hope that SHL can negotiate something there, given the circumstances. Thinking of you. Xx