HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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Well, I think today we've all decamped to WWK's thread.

But to put it on here as well, what a fantastic and well deserved result. AND she's finally divorced!

bobs to answer your point on MrsC's thread re getting my financial stuff sorted whilst the ex is still with her.....I've been advised by those closest to me to get the financial settlement done ASAP for various reasons. And as Fuckit points out, relations deteriorate and they become less generous later. And yes I did originally ask him to negotiate at the end of the year, but for various reasons both of us have stalled there....I think! But the main issue is that if he were not with her further down the line, I would feel bad about having taken a settlement based on him living with her. I just couldn't do it. In other words, I will protect as much as I can for my kids if he remains with her. But if he isn't with her, then I know whatever he gets will be safe for them, I think, and I owe it to the man I loved and married to be fair. I feel quite emotional typing that. But that's how I feel. However, the more I have pondered things, the more likely I think it is that he will stay with her. In which case, I predict it will be a bitter fight on both sides.

Well done to WWK...we will all follow in your footsteps.

Green...I know how easy it is to get hurt by what the fuckwits put on social media. But it just portrays what sad shallow lives they have if they feel the need to be validated by so call friends on Facebook/Twitter etc.

Hobbit...pristine as a mouses ear. Omg you did make me laugh. Thank you.

Thanks girls for all the kind words. I have been lurking but I was feeling a bit down. I should have reached out to you but I kept it hidden for a few days. When I read your posts I feel you understand the range of emotions I'm going through like no one else can. Despite going through with the divorce and knowing I could never be with him again doesn't kill all the feelings that I still carry for him. It kills me when i think of him, her and my children in the cozy set up and me on my own.

It now appears he's lost the ability to read and has no memory of the court hearing...he has a copy of the court papers but he didn't ring them last night but left a message on the girls phone....accusing me of imprisoning him by only letting him ring on specific times and days that he's now forgot(times and days that were court ordered due to his harassment!). This imprisonment is his own doing as he took me to court!

Big hugs to you all. KOKO xx

Why try to think of those calls to the girls as further ammunition for you. He certainly doesn't subscribe to the view that when you're in a hiole, you should stop digging ....

Oh, and that cosy set up you mention.....that exists only in your mind, and maybe his. The reality is that you, the same as a lot of us, have a slimmed down and happier nuclear family. And that is where your daughters will always want to be

Izzie do tell me to butt out if you like but your last message has intrigued me. If he leaves her don't you think he could then find another woman equally bad? I don't hold out any hope of my ex protecting any assets for DS. If he was easily influenced enough and compulsive enough and selfish enough to abandon his family for OW then I don't trust him to act responsibly and even though he isn't with her any more he is still very selfish. It's an interesting point because throughout my divorce it has been at the back of my mind that whatever I end up with I know it will be for DSs benefit as well but whatever he gets will probably get frittered away. I think there's a lot to be said for starting divorce proceedings as soon as possible.

izzie ive come on here this morning thinking of you & possibily you too hobbit re the finances. izzie I see you've posted and Ill read after but just want to get this down.
something has dawned on me- this is down to reading the freedom books - how STBXH is currently behaving is not out of character when I look at what has gone on in the marriage -its just that the stakes are higher and we are talking about "big" things. izzie you are having to finish off jobs around the house that your STBXH started but never got round to doing just in the same way I am. your STBXH was in control of finances just the same as mine. Over the last years of marriage I would have to "nag" STBXH to do the house jobs that I couldn't do - (not many I will admit) and he would make a half hearted attempt, do it grudgingly or rope DS in which would also end in argument. This is because he no longer "felt" he should have to do them- they were "menial" in his eyes and didn't fit in with his idea of who he was. He didn't see that this was his responsibility. Same with finances - he didnt like that I should be able to decide how this was spent apart from the amount he allocated me - all the big decisions were his.

This is still continuing now - he can't get it that my communication with him is an attempt to get him to deal with his responsibility- because that is highlighting his failures hence the harrasment nonsense and "the judge will decide, not you". I am wondering whether he sees that this l applies to his business too or whether he thinks in his head that this is separate as he thought the kids were separate to me.

I am seeing mental health team today - this is all relevant. Before when i didn't realise his behaviour was abusive it was a trip to the GP to get ADs increased but this would have possibly been over a disagreement in monthly budget and him refusing to see things in any other way. Now its a trip to mental health because he refuses to see how the equity in the house should be used other than how he sees it. I could ignore some of the little things but I can't ignore this because I do not run away from my responsibilities but as a result the impact on my mental health is greater too.

The OW is because I was no longer "perfect" - I nagged too much, I didn't see how wonderful he was, basically I didn't worship the ground he walked on - I was no longer his "mother" figure letting him get away with it all because he was not coming half way and doing what he should have been doing as a father, a husband, a responsible adult. This is still ongoing he will not come half way with what he needs to provide for a fair decision to be made because he thinks some things should be split but others are his.

do you know what this goes back to - it goes back to when we are kids and parents not teaching us to fight our own battles- i was also reading something about why boys always say "im fine." He is afraid of confrontation - both his parents fought his battles. Mine didn't - I had to often stand up for my bro- something my DF didn't even realise - I very rarely had someone to fall back on - much the same now - so I am fighting a one man battle against his "army" of supporters, his position in the industry, whilst also having to watchout for my kids too - no wonder my mental health is under strain.

Green, it is horrible. I too am having help mental health wise, you have (almost) made me see it as a sign of strength, (moral strength perhaps?) not weakness. I will think about that.

Youngest son in education, he pays the legal minimum. Older two work so he pays nothing towards them, all legal and therefore according to him, fair. Just as he thought it was fair to move to his new fair way of calculating maintenance resulting in a drop of 1400 per month in January. Just as he thinks it is fair that after 32 years he should be utterly free of me in two years, fair because his new family need to take priority.

Can you see a theme here?

I wonder how WWK is today?

Bet she's hungover - well deserved

whyme sorry you're feeling down. I don't post either when I'm feeling crap as it's all such a mindfuck and difficult to write in a coherent fashion. Plus I'm normally a positive person and don't like to write purely negative stuff unless there is something positive to write too.

(sorry about swearing - don't normally IRL but this situation calls for stronger language!)

Izzie Tabbie has a point. He could decamp from OW, then marry someone else who has kids and everything could eventually go to her and then her kids.

I think you have to just look at the present. At it's most basic

1. Add up everything you both have including pensions (CETV), holiday homes etc
2. If DC over 18, divide all assets in half (as a bare minimum)
3. work out reasonable needs on both sides and income
4. depending on RN play around with asset share/spousal.

I don't know if you're all aware but there are new rules re pension when you get to 55 and a proportion of the pot can be released tax free. so for those who's stbxs have little income (for whatever reason) but decent pensions and are near 55, take this into account.

hello fuckit sorry you have to join us but we do support each other - there are some laughs but my sense of humour has gone AWOL and yes it is horrible.

Do not see it as a sign of weakness - the amount of strain we are having to go through is horrendous - mental health is not a weakness - it is the brain saying i have too much to deal with. get whatever help you can get.

i have read your posts and have seen the link izzie made- my two are 14 nearly and whereas STBXH was committed to them staying at their current private school to 18 he is now saying 16 - looks like uni is out the window- and what kids do you know that are fully supporting themselves at 18 - they maybe out at work but they are still living at home. OW has two younger kids who want to meet him - DD is just waiting to be replaced - her words.

My STBXH told me I should have moved on months ago - he's been gone 8 months now but 6 months of shit beforehand. I cant move on yet - I dont know what the hell is happening about house, school, business. Ive been a SAHM and I was also diagnosed with Breast cancer just before xmas & have a course of treatment starting next week. I just want to crawl into a hole at the moment - a bit like STBXH - wish I could just ditch all my responsibilities - not the kids - just the rest of it and wipe out my past life but Im not made like that so have to keep going even though I spend most of my time on the floor or on my knees waiting for the day that this all stops!

I expect well is a mixture of feelings today - there must be another period of adjustment to go through and almost back to a step at a time - i think i would be booking myself a holiday somewhere warm & sunny - eve though I am not supposed to sit in the sun now!

feel free to pm me fuckit if you need to- I know my twunt reads my posts - only way him & OW can gain the advantage - so there is stuff that goes on off thread

why - still with you on the feelings - my counsellor keeps asking me why - the only thing i can think of is the kids because I know what we went through to get them and I still can't get my head round this. I had a chat with my DD the other day and told her I cant have any sort of relationship with him once this is through - although my counsellor has said once it is sorted and the control has gone maybe i will feel different - what saddens me is the 2 of everything they will have to go through - and its not 2 as in better it will be 2 with always a part missing.

tabby with you too on starting ASAP.

I can see im going to get nothing done today!

Hi everyone, feel low today and stressed out, I'm trying to get to grips with all the financial stuff, and am just realising I know nothing about any of it really! He did everything like that throughout our marriage, so I am now trying to figure out all the details, and am failing miserably:(

I met with my solicitor friend last night and she looked over his form E, and she tried to gently inform me that I wouldn't be able to keep the house on, as I was hoping to. I just wouldn't be able to afford it, so I am feeling a bit glum today, as I do love it so.

At least I will have 2 years in it as he has said he will contribute to the bills whilst my youngest son finishes his uni course. You never know what might happen in that time, a miracle perhaps? Or a sugar daddy ? Ha ha, x

Lots of love, WWK you amazing woman, if you're conscious,

green you know you can think these things to death trying to sort it all out in your head, but unfortunately as long as he keeps control and plays his games you have to try to find a way to live with it until it's over . I just keep on telling myself it's a process to be got through.

My stbx virtually never did anything round the house - i did it/paid for it. He did mow the lawn in the early years, mind you - big whoop!
I lost count the number of times he asked me where the light bulbs were kept - not because he was going to change one, but as hint that one needed changing!

When he moved to the spare room, the radiator wasn't working. Rather than get it sorted (5 min job by a plumber) he used an expensive fan heater to keep it warm all winter. My fault of course!

He bought me gym membership as a birthday present one year (he thought I should go as he was a member). He then discovered i enjoyed it. When my DM passed away he felt like he wasn't getting enough attention (I spent almost a week in another city organising the funeral and he told me my place was with him and the DC). So he changed my gym status without telling me - I discovered this a few months later when I wasn't allowed in at a different time, so I cancelled his DD and took back control (he wasn't happy)

Of course all these things mean nothing in a divorce - you just store them in the back of your mind, and until it's all over you can't move on>

Just read through that last post of mine, I sound like I've given up, have I fuck! I'm still gonna fight, just don't know if I'm gonna win, and that's a major headfuck, it's so unfair and unjust isn't it, to be in this shit state of affairs through no fault of our own, while they swan off into the future with their financial position better than before.

hi bobs how are you - whats RN?

i post on here at all times - this is my record of my life currently - so shit times and good - & it is quite clear that my shit corresponds with the fuckwittery - and I can tell from the way I post the state of my head -
so its all here - the dates, the times, the feelings plus when i get down i turn inwards and I need you lot to get me looking outwards again

naarrrh hobbit know you haven't given up - none of us have - its just a bloody hard fight that we shouldn't have to go through.

bobs im trying not to overthink things- my brain just chucks this out - what im seeing now is that his behaviour isn't so unlike him as I thought - it was all there just on a lower level without such a devastating effect.

i get its a process to go through - moving on in my mind is when this is all over & i know where i stand and can think about what & where I want to go with my life - right now I am still linked to him even though he has detached from me - but not quite as much as he thinks he has if he still needs to play these games.

RN - reasonable needs green

You normally get given a form to fill in for mediation. I rewrote mine onto the computer as a spreadsheet to make things easier. It also ensures you don't forget stuff!

"I sound like I've given up, have I fuck!" go you Hobbit
Yes it's not good when someone points out you have to sell the house. I knew this would have to happen as we both need to be rehoused. I just didn't realise he would freeze the proceeds till we get the finances sorted and i would have to move into rental. Not something I would recommend to anyone on low income with a stbx who wants to make you suffer for having the temerity to divorce him!!!

Hi guys, can I join you? Yesterday I dumped this asshat. I know it was absolutely the right thing to do but I'm feeling tearful and sad. Totally normal feelings and I'm sure it will pass.

Hi everyone. I have hardly been on here as have gone through another rough patch. Kept wanting to post but was so out of date with everyone's news that I felt it was rude! But now I need a hand hold so I hope you will all forgive me.

I have decided to call my ex LS (little shit). The LS lied in Court and is now having to backtrack on his demands, creating a whole new load of demands which I do not agree with. I have no idea what is happening with the Final Hearing now as the points originally raised are redundant. He has not replied to my latest solicitor's letter and the pressure is immense. I am fighting for my children against someone who lies in Court. He can't even do what he is asking for - he just doesn't want me to have them. It is so hurtful.

I want it all to be over. Still haven't got anywhere with finances and I imagine that will end up in Court too, even though the equity is modest. OW baby is due soon so that isn't helping with all the images of happy families. I know he isn't happy - how can someone who has lost everything be happy? It doesn't help me though. I am so lonely and fed up of fighting a stranger who once promised to love me. I need a boost to get me through this next hurdle, I just don't know how to do it.

Hobbit I am sorry about your house. I know it is only a small light but I imagine getting your own place and decorating / furnishing it exactly how you want it would be rewarding. I have done some decorating that I know he would never have wanted - it's rather liberating.

Green Hi! I am so with you on recognising behaviour from the marriage that you now know wasn't right. I have thought a lot about how I had turned in to a mother of three and I bet he moaned to OW about my nagging. I wouldn't have had to nag if he had just been a responsible adult / husband / father! Thing is surely it will all start again when he doesn't do the same things round her house. He'll be moaning to the next OW about how she nags and the cycle continues. The things you have noticed now were not enough to divorce him over - it is just a bonus that you no longer have to live with them anymore.

Why I'm sorry you've had some rough days too. It is so up and down isn't it, the slightest thing can send you on a downward spiral. I know how you feel about them being a cosy family. Like Izzie says, I reckon a lot of that is in our heads though.

Izzie I hope you are doing ok and that the finances do not turn in to a battle. I am sure you will stand your ground if they do though.

WWK congratulations. I am going to catch up on your thread when I have a spare hour! I am so happy for you.

Hi family - the rules of this bar are you post when you feel shit - you dont have to be uptodate and you don't need to reply to others - because we all get it - sometimes i can cope with whats happening and can respond to others - sometimes i feel I am going crazy and dont know which way is up - but thats what we are here for.

yep its all about that - I dont know what to say but get the hurt- that's what does it - you know what is happening but you cant stop the hurt feelings.

I think you need to go back to being kind to yourself just go with the feelings for now and know that its ok to feel like this - none of us on here expect you to feel any differently. I had to completely step away for a few days as was getting overwhelmed and lost myself in the garden for a day - something I enjoy doing but had been neglecting- is there anything like this you can do - something not connected to any of this - even a film you can lose yourself in if you can.

just take some time - let yourself get over this - and you will be ready to go again KOKOxx

hi silent read your thread - sorry you are feeling sad but think you have done the right thing - men do play games beleive me - they may not consciously want to acknowledge this but it is all about control.

you will be fine in time - take care of yourself

Thanks green. Dumping his was an act of self-love. Time will heal, I'm sure. Still, there's always that niggling 'what if'.

Family, OW in my case having baby too. She has also given up her job to be a sahm. The whole landscape of the finances has changed. His new family is his priority. Certainly not me, certainly not his adult children. The younger one gets minimum legal child support.

He earns six times as much as me although I have a professional job that requires me to work more hours than he has ever worked. A job that is on the line due to ongoing health issues impacting upon my ability to work effectively.

Pretty sure OW knows I am here and perhaps who I am. She is a throughly manipulative nasty piece of work and I hope she reads that! She destroyed our relationship six years ago, told me then she wanted his child. Now she is accidentally pregnant having coincidentally changed her job to ensure she met up with him after a long hiatus.

But, I have always known he is selfish and a bit lazy now I know how low his ethics are. He emphasises that he is fair, he takes pride in being fair! However he is nothing of the sort. He lies, he changes his mind according to what the OW tells him, he lets down his children. There is nothing about him to admire or respect now. I still love him in a way, how could I not after 32 years, but I suspect that will disappear as any respect for him has.

Financially I am screwed but otherwise I will recover. I just need this done now. I can borrow money to take to it to Court if needed. See the mediator tomorrow and beginning to think about what is my bottom line to agree finances. Mostly just the ability to live with and support my children as long as they want that. It won't be for long, they are all great and ready for some independence but I want to be there for them until that point. I am very proud of how they are becoming men. I don't think I can keep house, just not enough money to go round now we are between us supporting two homes and two families. I am going to aim for that though.

I feel so angry for those of you losing your homes for no better reason than your exes wanted to shag OW. There is something very wrong with the legal system that it doesn't take this into account. Trouble is they tell so many lies about us how would the judge know who to believe? I will probably lose my home too but because I moved out a while ago because of DV I have detached from it now and I don't mind if I get it back or start afresh. I did feel homesick for a long time but eventually your new place feels like home.