HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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Hobbit that's actually pretty good - you got his Form E at the first meeting. Was it a joint meeting?

Yes the mediator might come across a bit bland. They have to be trained in not giving anything away as they can't give advice. As long as he can steer the meeting well and make suggestions then that will be good.

Well done

And it's great your DS can do his retakes. My DD1 got a Doctor's note to defer the assignment due in after Christmas and her tutor has been very understanding. She is now on her 3rd set of ADs - Citalopram. Not looking forward to the next month as the symptoms can get worse before they get better due to the side effects. Doctor's notes can be very useful in helping/deferring with uni deadlines so keep that in mind.

DD2 2nd session at mental health today - hope it's helping!

Have talked with my friend tonight, sharing my thoughts and anxieties about sitting in a small room, across a small table, from him, and discussing the financial dismantling of our marriage.

Not looking forward to that one tiny bit, he's always had financial control, so will hate to be out of his comfort zone. I know it's gonna get ugly quite quickly, and I'm dreading that, that's why I havent seen him for months, out of my radar, I can forget I've got to confront this.

But I must fight for myself and my son, otherwise I will struggle.

Any advice gratefully accepted on how to get the better of the twat.

To everyone else..

Izzie you sound a different person! You have recently got much stronger which is great. You just to need to try to keep on focusing on the important stuff - the rest isn't worth giving a toss about!

Whyme yes - possessions. Just a control thing. Stbx complained we hadn't divided ours up properly. I asked him what it was I had that he wanted - he said nothing (other than my dad's sofa - my Dad died in 1993, the sofa is over 30 yrs old and knackered!!!). He said he had very little. Apparently he has binned all the gardening stuff that I said I would have if he didn't want it - Karcher pressure washer etc. This all because I like gardening! Meh - they're replaceable!

Strong yes it's the same sort of game with the DC. They just refuse to accept that they are causing any upset

WWK you're nearly there now. Wish we could all be there cheering you on - wherever you are!

Paddling hope the DC have calmed down a bit and you've managed to get a break

Why me how did the meeting go?

Hobbit. I am now of the opinion that it will be enough to get through the whole mediation process as unscathed as possible, for you and your DS. It's not so much getting the better of him, rather than getting what should be rightfully yours. and if he's done his Form E properly this should be more easily identifiable. you are lucky you have someone you can discuss this with who has knowledge of such stuff

Please can I join?

I thought I was further along the process, but yesterday's exchange has plunged my right back into the depths.....

I've been so looking forward to divorcing my EA stbxh. I was originally planning to divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. But to keep the peace agreed to wait 2 years......

2 years is up soon, I was planning to use the same solicitor I used to draw up a separation agreement. I paid for the because I needed to protect myself, and separate finances ASAP.

He is now protesting and resisting paying his share of the cost, saying 'we should do it online' despite the fact he knows nothing about what is involved (true to form). If we did it online, it would mean collaborating with a man I can barely look at. And I would end up doing the legwork.

I think I am going to end up paying the cost.

And right now I feel like petitioning on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour, afterall.

I never knew hatred until this man.

I was doing so well up until now, help

WhyMe I hope court went well today.

WWK pleased to hear he paid up, have been reading your thread. I find that sometimes it's the smaller things going wrong, like your laptop, that can cause more of a melt down. I think sometimes we try so hard to hold it all together and keep some of it in and then when something unexpected happens it comes flooding out a bit.

Paddling pleased you are feeling better today. You are a great mum, you are allowed to find it hard especially with younger children. My youngest is 16 and I find it difficult dealing with her by myself even though she sees a lot of her dad. I don't know how I would have managed if I'd found out about his cheating when the children were younger. Pleased you find work a help to you. Take care and you are doing just great

Hobbit I would think that if the mediator has been recommended by your friend then he knows what he is doing even if he is bland

That must be so hard to find out that he has officially moved in with OW, I'm so sorry. Because you expected it doesn't make it any easier, it still hurts even if we wish it didn't. All the uncertainty is difficult, before everything was settled you knew the direction your life was going in, what your plans were and then it all gets thrown up in the air. Thinking of you.

Hi Bobsy, I played a bit of a blinder really, said I thought we had to give forms in. But we don't until our first joint session, he knows nothing Bout the process, he has had one hour with his solicitor and knows 100 per cent about what I am entitled to apparently, and knows 100 per cent what a court will award!

So I have got quite a bit of information from that form, I get what you said about ramping up,the adrenaline, will have to take a beta blocker to sleep tonight.

Still a bit unhappy about finding out he has moved in with her, keep thinking of him there with her son, when he has walked away from his own, just around the corner.

Bobs sorry your ex continues to play the mind games. Sorry I can't help much with your questions, my ex-DH and I are largely sorting out finances between us and I'm not in the UK. As you say I think your Solicitor would be your best bet. Hope you get a settlement that you are happy with.

Hobbit I would think the thought of being in a room with him after all that time is very unnerving. If you haven't already done so I would try and go into the meeting with a clear idea of what you think is acceptable financially and have that written down with as much detail about the various aspects of the finances as possible. I have no idea how such things work so this may not be feasible but I would just take note of anything he suggests and say that you will come back to him on it when you've had time to go through it properly with a clear head.

I hope it all goes okay. x

Welcome Handy, I recognise your username, your details sound familiar I read your earlier posts. You certainly sound better off without him. It is difficult to know the best course divorce wise sometimes, how long to leave it, on what grounds etc. I think you just have to go with how you feel and weigh up the pros and cons. Is it important to you that you divorce on unreasonable grounds because it's an accurate reflection of what happened or is it easier to leave it a few months longer and keep the peace.

You are still doing well, but they often sometimes do something that stirs it all up again and takes you back down again.

Iwas I agree that it can be easier with DC a bit older, but unfortunately they can also be at quite an impressionable age and be pulled back and forth. Does your DD get on well with her Dad? If so you are lucky

Handywoman of course please join in. This thread is a free for all to vent and try to help each other.

I am divorcing on 2 yr separation (would have done it on 5 yr separation but he wouldn't agree to that) even though still existing under the same roof at the time. It causes less aggro than unreasonable behaviour. Are all your finances signed off - clean break etc? If so that is the important bit (in my opinion anyway!). I would strongly tell him that there are pitfalls associated with online divorces if you want to use a solicitor. Have you got a cost for it?

Hobbit Sorry that you found out about his moving must have been a shock. However it sounds like he is going to play ball which should make things a lot easier on you - YAY!

Bobs Can't answer all your questions but essentially:

1. No. If SM is paid it is not a clean break. A 'fixed term' SM is a deferred clean break. Consider asking for more equity to get a clean break if this is an option/preferable.
2. Up to you to agree between you what's best. Of course, if he falls on 'hard times' he can ask for a variation. There's no obligation for him to pay for DD at uni, but most parents want the best for their kids. Some parents are shit. Again, ask for a lump sum if you can.
3. Too complicated for me to comment. I would suggest that if they have met all their other obligations, then they can retire early. But health will be a consideration. No, they can't make a large claim on the marital pot without good reason (e.g. disability, children, needs, healthy). Wants are much lower down the list of priorities.

I may be wrong about 1, 2 or 3 - but that's my best guess.

Hobbit well done on getting through mediation day 1 - I imagine that was tough. Although, I am the biggest hypocrite, do try to relax for a few days before the next round. Him moving in with her is simultaneously a shock and yet utterly unsurprising. At least he halves his income needs...you've still got 100% of the bills to pay. However, that is not to minimise any upset or distress you feel - I hope you bounce back quickly, but if you don't - that's fine too. KOKO. When is day 2 - I can role play "contrary bitch" brilliantly if you need to brush up on your negotiation skills!

Welcome Handy you can just walk in here and say out loud, at anytime, SHIT THIS IS HARD and expect someone to agree with you, without judgement. Them the rules of the bar. We can have a laugh (pick on Izzie, and mock Iwas' husband - I still have no idea why we single him out...), swear, rant, rage, discuss our hopes and fears, but at no time do we compare someone else's situation to make them feel worse about themselves. Because this shit IS hard enough.

We don't always talk about divorce laws either - but I think many of us are hitting key stages in the process at similar times! So, do join in!

As for your 'help' request - being utterly detached, I would say go down the UB route - however, despite being the most common route, it guarantees that your divorce becomes acrimonious. That route stings. So, if you're near to two years, do whatever you can to go down that route. And no, do not get divorced by Internet! This is only a good idea for the foolish and those who are 'very, very, very amicably divorcing'. However, I can imagine that you're possibly all over the place headwise. It is a tough decision - take your time making it.

Hi Iwas - yes rather pleased myself as I hate letting people down, and my landlords are perfectly decent people, as proved. It's all so unnecessary but there you go. I find in myself I have horrendous 'missing him pangs' just before a court hearing, and then he engages in fuckwittery and that gets me back down to earth! So in an odd way, I'm almost (but only almost!) grateful for the fuckwittery. Killing my own laptop was a bridge too far though! I was just so angry at myself but simultaneously blaming him for it. I'm just scared - that's the truth. I'm just scared of next week.

Hope you're doing okay yourself.

A quick hello to everyone else. Green you're MIA at the moment - I hope you're okay. I am using a nearly defunked old laptop and struggling to catch up with the thread...so if I've missed anything I'm really sorry. 'Tis all my fault for killing my shiny new laptop!

It's really annoying getting something new and finding it doesn't work!!! I'm putting off downloading the new operating system on my mac as I think everything might go poof!!!

Thanks WWK. You fairly much confirmed what I already knew. I want as clean a break as poss which is why I don't want spousal. I have suggested he take a lower share of the proceeds from the house we sold but he says he needs more. He could actually buy himself a very nice apartment with this amount (his choice of accommodation) The mediator has pointed out that he can still get a mortgage and under new rules can cash in part of his pension. He claims to not understand any of this!

He is trying to get his pound of flesh for me daring to end the marriage. He will try to keep control as long as he can - and the fact that sol/mediator's bill are racking up is not his fault.

I have tried searching but can't find anything on a couple getting divorced and one party retiring early so their income is reduced.

hi all havent been on for a few days as been advised to take a step back from everything. was doing ok til about 1/2 hr ago when read emails. yet again I am being backed into a corner by STBXH regarding finances & kids school fees. I had a long discussion yesterday with my counsellor about EA basically wanting to know whether I had this out of perspective. I came to the conclusion I haven't and earlier today I came across a post i did back in september last year when I was first questioning whether what I have been subject to is EA. As soon as I read email about finances all those feelings have come back - I have just left a message at WA in tears because I am so fed up of this. Court process has started - unless I get my head in gear I am going to be that woman carried out - I get emotional and this is out of frustration because I know what is happening to me.

i slipped again well and comments about how he seems to be a new cheekier version and his comment must be as "under new management" - yes this is because you have shirked all your responsibilities - is there any other reason why I am having to take him to court - i am speaking to mental health team next week - i go tomorrow for a precheck before treatment - what sort of human being behaves like this. the call to WA was to talk me down from doing what my gut is telling me to do.

We can have a laugh (pick on Izzie, and mock Iwas' husband - I still have no idea why we single him out...)

Erm, hello? You have no I idea why you single out Sid, but yet........!!

I'll have you know I've been superwoman this week. And I have the Bucket calling round tomorrow to meet the builder, because poor little me can't manage to speak to him by myself I assume. And of course I can pretend I'm still happily married blimey can I remember that far back? because appearance is all unless we're discussing his new love woof And I'm meh about the whole thing. I've texted him to suggest he "initially" parks on the drive so he can load the car with his things that I've just brought downstairs. Initially, ha, the issue being don't bloody park there in future. I'm also wondering when to tell him to stop using his key and WAIT to be let in. I will save that for another time. No, fortunately I still have yet to deal with the financials. That's the beauty of being married to someone too busy to deal with it. So, I'm on a mission to get everything done on joint income!

I've been checking in on the thread but haven't posted cos I've been trying to get things a bit more sorted at home before the builder comes. And to prove to the Bucket how much better it looks now. Not because I want his approval, but to show him I can do very nicely without him.

Just texted a mate saying that if I realised I would have felt so happy after four months, I would have chucked him out years ago.

I will post tomorrow in reply to various posts. Got to go out later xx

Ha ha Well, I am sure you are a consummate actress and 'contrary bitch' is one of your finest roles to date, I'll try not to play'gibbering wreck' to said 'contrary bitch', see you Friday, x

Hi green sorry you're going through all this shit and hope you're getting help. I tried taking a step back for a few days, but it's all encompassing this divorce fuckwittery

I posted about my relationship about 10 years ago (different name) and got told to LTB - can't find the thread though! It's amazing how we just let time slide thinking things will get better/questioning our emotions.

Just tell yourself that if the only way to deal with him is via the court, then the sooner you get things up and crawling running the better - it's a positive action

glad to hear you're on good form izzie & iwas you still sound in a good place.
hobbit - it doesn't matter how much you prepare for their next step it still hits you - trying not to be cynical here but do you think he deliberately kept this from you- ive now spotted the "tactics" STBXH used for mediation - probably to throw me off balance to portray me as the nutter he thinks I am. I hope it works for you too hobbit but I do have a bit of a doubt.
bobs - the games - yes get this & the loss of perspective - thats where I am at the moment - id be quite happy for someone to tell me I have this all wrong because I could then let it go! My counsellor was asking me about this yesterday and the reason I can't is because of the kids-its that simple but you lot get this. and yes its all about what is rightfully ours - if they could see that there would be no need for this.
handy - welcome - i think we are all flagging slightly - hitting the serious stuff!
well your words I'm just scared - that's the truth. I'm just scared of next week - do you realise the strength behind these- most people will never admit to being scared as they think it makes them weak but it is the complete opposite - im hoping you get what you deserve.
I have spoken to WA - the truth of the situation is that I wouldn't feel like I do without reason - i would not voluntarily do this to myself especially when i described it as torture to you why i think. well I have just read the opening of the book and this is exactly me - "she feels that she is in the middle of a very confusing mess and that it must be somehow her fault" and the descriptions - if this is The truthteller - "accepts responsibility and admits to being wrong" i don't have this STBXH is the complete opposite and also the jailer - stops you from working - oh yes - the "reasons" he gave me - all perfectly plausible but never realised the undercurrent. I will be back on the sleeping tabs tonight as my head is whirring again. KOKO everyonex

Green you don't bounce out of married life going 'oh well, never mind', it takes time to process it. And just because you understand what is happening to you, doesn't mean you don't feel it so please be kind to yourself. I've an impression of you that you need to understand what's happening to you, but then get frustrated with yourself for not managing it as well as you'd like. I am here to kick you up the bum!

You're allowed to be scared and emotional, you've got a substantial treatment programme to undergo and a divorce. Either one is bad enough! I'm pleased you rang WA.

Whenever you get any contact from 'the other side' it temporarily crashes your world (not you specifically, but all of us!). It's so much easier to carry on regardless when they don't rudely interrupt to remind us they are alive and they are still utter bastards. You're doing everything you can to KOKO - getting a solicitor, going to court, going to a mental health team, talking to people. There is nothing more you can do to get through this. You're doing absolutely everything correctly, don't think for one minute you're not.

hobbit - im gibbering wreck right now (grin)and bobs you know what has popped into my head tonight - before kids we went through a dodgy patch - i was off sick with depression and STBXH was thinking of walking then - we had got married a few years earlier - I am now wondering whether my depression which I thought was work related was actually not! There were a couple of incidents which although I thought were off did nothing about probably due to my own lack of self at the time - i need to go over my timeline to see if it clicks into place -in some ways im hoping not - because if I am right on this too i have judged myself incredibly wrong for many years.

actually well i dont know if its frustration with myself or frustration that this sort of behaviour is not more widely known about. I do get frustrated when I can see that this is all totally unnecessary and there is a different way it could be dealt with and that there is a huge gap in the psychological & legal aspect and they appear to get away with it all - that's what frustrates the hell out of me. If it wasn't for MN I doubt whether I would be any the wiser - I would have thought this was "normal". The other thing when I feel strongly about something it absorbs me - I am trying to be kind to myself and I take the kick up the bum! I am also frustrated that for all these years I bloody thought it was me- when the more I learn it clearly wasn't!

this just sums it all up really

The judge will decide on this, not you.

and you know what this is about - taking school fees out of equity - leaving me AND KIDS nowhere to live - oh yes we can rent & judging on STBXHs rental outlay that gives me 6 years - err kids will be 20! - prospects of me getting a job - who knows- likelihood of getting a mortgage zilch - what bloody planet is he on - oh yes - the planet of TWUNTS!