HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

Major divorcing fuckwittery my side, but y'know Bob's question 3 - well apparently, according to STBXH, you can ask for the pot to be unfairly distributed if you decide you have no earning capacity with immediate effect. His 'open offer' to the court whereby yours truly gets 25% of the marital assets has just decreased. Again.

I'm pretty certain I will be able to answer that question emphatically next week.

Izzie despite what has otherwise been a horrendous day, you have got me laughing. I really do think you're the most lovable loon in the world! I love his new name it's so apt. I hope you have a fabulous evening.

Hobbit we can take it in turns about who gets to be 'gibbering wreck'...

Green, despite being a career woman in yonderyear, and a respected one, it hit me the other day (when I bought a few books on Kindle) that about ten years ago, I used to ask for permission to take out £200 of cash from the cash machine for 'incidentals' once a month and then not spend any of it so I could buy books - one of my passions used to be reading! He hated me reading books so I kept it a secret. Now I'm more astute to his fuckwittery, I am astonished that I did that. But it was 'anything' to keep the peace, to not be shouted at, to not be got at. And yet, outwardly, I was a respected professional, who was very good at her job. Micro-managed in the home though.

These days I can't read anything because my short term memory is so shot to pieces with stress. The reality is - I have always loved reading. He seems to 'win' whatever way and he's still controlling my spending! I am no longer afraid of being shouted at. I am scared of the future, but I'm not scared in my own home. That is priceless. Freedom is not being scared in your own home, and not being scared of the future. Five days.

and well its not the future- its the uncertainty - because I have no doubt that whatever the future is once you are there you will make it work and you will have your Freedom. I know this deep down somewhere too because I am still standing!

you know what my red flag should have been - when I got marched back to a shop to return a swimming costume that he decided we couldn't afford!

Green sorry you are finding it so hard at the moment. As WWK says you are doing everything you can and speaking to the right people. I am still searching for answers, probably a different set of questions in some ways, but it can take over and I think ultimately, however difficult that is to accept, that we will never truly understand what has happened in a lot of ways.

We can't change what has happened in the past or how we dealt with it at the time and even with the hindsight and knowledge we have now we didn't have it then however much we wish we did. But, we can change what happens now and in the future so I think it helps to focus on what we can change. You are doing fantastically well, I know you think you're not, but you are. To go through what you have had to deal with on top of all of the twunt's shit and still be standing you have done brilliant. KOKO xx

im actually wondering how many I could list if I actually thought about it - maybe I need to!

Hello Green my lovely, yes he probably did deliberately keep his change of address from me, he said 'oh, I thought you knew', well no , actually I did not, I wouldn't have given the old address to the mediator for contact if I had would i ? But I knew it was coming, thought it was all for 'show' anyway, his car was always parked behind her house, but it still twisted the knife just the same to see it written down on his form E.

I am so sorry you are having a tough time atm, I think we all are finding it hard moving through the process, it stinks this divorce malarkey dosent it?

Listen to the one who is wise she always finds the right words to bring some sense of comfort and perspective. That's cos she is a clever sort, and is gonna be a famous author and all that, and we can say we knew her when she was just a mumsnetter like us.

And finally honey, do you remember back in the last thread the list I made for us to study to get some sense of clarity and insight into why these men treated us so badly?

Do you remember No 6? Keep thinking of that, when he is acting like an arsehole yet again

Number 6 Number 6 Number 6 ad infinitum

No 6. Because they are complete cunts.

Chin up lovely girl, x

Why don't you make a whole lot of red flag bunting Green? It will probably wrap around the whole village

Green we need to get some ESP - we always cross-post!

I dont know if its frustration with myself or frustration that this sort of behaviour is not more widely known about.

I knew my married life wasn't quite right though because of MN! There was also a very heavy radio campaign two years ago in which six questions were asked directly to women. I could answer "Yes" to five of them. I still wouldn't have accepted my marriage was 'wrong' because of my upbringing/beliefs. Without specifically outing myself - I used to work in the field of human rights...we can easily get so many things wrong, our beliefs are fallible, but our values and morals are the core of us. That's why I stand up and get counted. It's just right now, I lie down and cry a bit. Right now, I'm all about 'me' and 'my' rights. With 'rights' comes responsibility. That means, as I receive other's help, I try to help. I think that's fair.

What happens in a home is private. You do everything you can to a) protect your privacy and b) make the home a safe place. That's why - in my humble opinion all this shit happens.

thank you iwas - actually I think I am starting to understand more somehow - I seem to go in phases - absorb a bit - cant really get my head round it - retreat- and then come back for a bit more. I know I cant change anything thats happened but I can change my perspective of it and that is slowly happening - I think I will end up with a completely different view of myself - well have you got this? . I learnt something about my mum only very recently which was kept from me as my DF thought he was "protecting" me - I dont blame him in anyway he did what he thought was right at the time but I now view my mum completely differently-I understand a lot more - this isnt an issue in anyway we have talked about it and I also think my DF has slightly changed his perspective too. It just reinforces my feeling that the more that is out in the open the less chance there is for misunderstanding.

hobbit you have made me laugh - the bunting - maybe we should all post a red flag in the garden as a sign of former twunt's - dont know if any of you followed the fashion but thats how i started - it could be like the mumsnet scarf!

well i think our ESP will come - there's you saying about "privacy" & me saying everything should be more "open". I'm all for standing up & getting counted and I totally get you with the help - I have no idea where my path is going but feel I am here for a reason - i'm trying not to get back into the spiritual nutter mode -and Im being told off by the kids for spending too long on here - now that is ironic- thank you ladies - you have put me back in the right place again for you all! x

WWK and Green so sorry that sounds dreadful what you had to put up with, you are definitely better off without the twunts - we all are.

WWK I love reading too, but like you it's not happening these days. I read a page and I haven't got a clue what it said, I just don't take it in so I've left it for the moment. Five days and getting closer, just think this time next week you will be drowning in gin! You give a lot of great advice and support on here. KOKO x

Hobbit I remember no 6! Hope you are feeling okay today x

Green pleased you are making progress in understanding a bit more. You talk a lot of sense. I understand what you mean about perspective. You already sound like you are moving towards a different view of yourself by realising that it was the twunt and not you. I meant to say that earlier but I'm old Pleased you are feeling in a better place.

Bobs yes I know what you mean about the children being at an impressionable age. My daughter is 16, not had a boyfriend much to her irritation, and I do worry about the affect on her of finding out at that age that her dad, who she very much had on a pedestal, is a womaniser and how that will affect her choices of men when she does start having relationships.

Before all of this happened my daughter and her dad got on very well, they are very similar personality wise, have quite a few shared interests and were very close. They still are to some extent, it's just a bit strained sometimes and he's upset her with his antics quite a few times and then she doesn't want to talk to him for a few days. She is blaming the OW to a large extent, her way of dealing with it, I do worry how she will be when she accepts that it's more down to her dad's failings.

WWK I am quite happy for you all to mock my husband! But, I too wonder why it's just him! Answers please ladies?! Actually, one of my friends said to me a little while ago that she thought my husband looked like "he eats seeds in a commune!!!" but she never liked to tell me before! He's tidied his hair up a bit now sad bastard it looks a bit less wild and messy neater.

You haven't let anyone down, fortunately a lot of people seem fairly understanding when they know the circumstances. Your landlords sounded lovely on your thread which is great. Any support is always good. I understand what you mean by saying it helps when they behave like an idiot so quite often then You miss who they were a lot and then you see who they are now a lot of the time and it does help with missing them. You are bound to be scared, especially going on such a long arduous journey as you have. You probably can't quite believe that an end, as such, is in sight and you're nervous about that and worried too that yet more fuckwittery might drag it out further. Worried about what will happen at the hearing too. You are a very strong lady and you will be fine, but you are still allowed a wobble and gin

I am okay here at the moment, thank you. Not sure for how much longer though. xx

So instead of mocking Iwas X, is there any way we could create a Twunt's Gallery...sort of all put pics of our stbxs up for communal mockery/sticking pins in/throwing darts at depending on which is being the Twuntiest?

We can't change what has happened in the past or how we dealt with it at the time and even with the hindsight and knowledge we have now we didn't have it then however much we wish we did. But, we can change what happens now and in the future so I think it helps to focus on what we can change

Iwas those were words I often used in my day job...in ordinary circumstances, they are indisputable. Where, perhaps, we depart is it comes down to 'who' makes the decision. You, and rightly in my opinion, left your marriage because of his values. There is nothing wrong with your decision, and there is nothing wrong with you either. That is not to diminish your hurt or suffering in any way - I really do understand how your husband must have hurt your self-esteem. And yes, I followed your thread from the beginning. I wish you all the very best in moving on. I truly do.

But for those of who were left, it's a little different. The difference right now, I think, is that in divorce, especially with some of these men, we have next to no control over what happens, we feel utterly helpless. We lose all of our 'emotional intelligence' because it's taken away, or because we're just damned scared and not thinking straight. It's just way too personal this divorcing business.

What is so, so, so embarrassing about my situation: I used to be a crisis manager. I have 'negotiation' training diplomas/certificates that could wallpaper a living room but look at the mess I am in. I really am just fighting for disclosure and 50%.

Fast forward two years, I could manage this man in a heartbeat. Yes, it takes me a day or two to get over the fuckwittery, ten months ago, I didn't believe I could cope with any of it.

If STBXH had allowed me 'some' breathing space, just took the pressure away for a few months, not attempted to bamboozle me into accepting a 'two year separation' agreement, I would not have employed a SHL to manage him. If I hadn't employed a SHL, I wouldn't be in this mess. If he'd accepted SHL's very politely put request on four occasions to 'just fucking disclose' I wouldn't be shit scared. He has never disclosed...I am six days away from a final, final hearing.

He's still in control...of what he discloses! And today I was informed he is now unemployed - ergo he 'needs' assets in my name to sustain his future. Despite spending all of the financial investments (or hidden them) in the last ten months.

But, whilst I used to be very good at my job, I had a bad marriage - it killed my 'usual' abilities. You think you're in control and capable, then it hits you: - you married a psychopath.

Or a mere arse.

So, I agree - focus on what you can control. He could control me. It stopped the day he fucked off. Now all manner of hell is unleashed.

But I am very well looked after by a lot of people.

So, I utterly agree with you, but it's also so hard when it's so personal.

Take care.

Good post WWK. I understand what you mean by the lack of control. My worst points were the years leading up to him walking out. Whatever I did, whatever I said, however many people "got" what I was saying [everyone I spoke to], only HE didn't believe the reality of things. It was mental torture.

WWK unemployed, fucking hell. Words fail me, although a cocked gun wouldn't........

WWK I see your point, sorry I should have realised that. It's a very valid one and I understand that it must make a big difference. I forget that sometimes, I think we are all in the same boat and while I do regularly think I'm quite "lucky" with my situation in some ways compared to some of the situations on here I forget that distinction.

I know how utterly devastated I felt when I found that he had gone to OW, I can't imagine how it must feel if he has actually chosen to leave to go to OW. I do see the distinction and I'm sorry if I have been insensitive for not thinking about that distinction.

I can understand as well how awful it must be to feel helpless about the divorce, the settlement and the finances. I have been very, very fortunate in that I know he will agree to most things as long as I don't disrupt the business and his being able to run it as he pleases. So to some extent I have been able to control that, although I'm not sure what's going to happen about the house. Despite his many, many faults he's also not a total bastard, cheating bastard yes, but he's never been abusive or controlling and I do, sort of, believe him when he says he wants to be fair. I don't know if that's partly guilt or down to ensuring he keeps the business the way he wants it.

You have NOTHING to be embarrassed about. It must be so very hard when you have had to deal with the amount of shit that you have had to deal with.

I think you, all of you, are doing brilliantly in dealing with all the shit that gets thrown at you. I don't think I would be able to deal with it as well as you are all managing. I don't know if you recall, you advised me that evening, but when my ex-DH texted me one night and said he wanted to talk to me the next day and I texted him back and said I'd talk to him that evening instead and he said he couldn't because they had plans. So I asked him what it was about and he just ignored my texts and didn't text me until the following day. I was a raging, upset mess that night. He had me dangling and I hated it. So to have to deal with something like that on a regular basis I really don't think I could manage it so all of you that do have to deal with that regularly you are amazing.

So yes the lack of control must make a difficult situation nigh on impossible. He won't be able to control anything very soon. You are inspirational and he is an idiot. KOKO. xx

I have seen a picture of Wwks fella, and he would frighten small children, let me tell ya! Think the child catcher from chitty chitty bang bang, only bald! [shocked]
Soz, honey, but I nearly ran away screaming

Well girls....guess what. He turned up to court 45 mins late! He was then described as belligerent in the initial report. He lied in front of the judge and we had evidence of his behaviour towards my eldest.

The result...he gets to see them 4 times until the next court date in June! Plus my eldest has to have her Facebook account shut down because of him.

His face was an absolute picture when the penny finally dropped. He was so angry when he walked out. Oh the joy of seeing him squirm.

I have a new name for him now...The Weasel.
He strutted into court in his posh suit, sat down and the first words he said was I'm a firearms police officer etc etc.

With the amount of weight he's lost he also reminded me of one of those shrunken heads.

Why fantastic news! Pop goes the Weasel

Oh well done whyMe from what you've said belligerent just about describes him perfectly. He must have thought they would be in awe of his status and he would be able to dictate his terms. How satisfying for you when it didn't work out like that. Now you have some set dates he won't be able to mess you around any more. Shrunken head weasel. Love it.

Izzie it seems to be as much fun picking on you as it does to mock my husband! Something you two have in common then!!!

Hope tomorrow goes well with the Bucket and the builder. You sound like you are in a reasonable place too which is good to hear.

I meant to ask have you changed your mind about being Welsh?!

Hope you had a pleasant evening tonight. x

Bobs that's interesting what you said about posting ten years ago and being advised to LTB. Shame you can't find the thread as I am sure it would have been very interesting for you to read all this time later. Have you tried advance search by username?

I think you meant as well as mocking my husband not instead of!! I rather like that game! Twunt's gallery sounds good, shall I buy a dartboard? I think there would be quite stiff competition for Twunt of the Day.

Hobbit really he's that bad?!! And WWK has been taking the mick out of my Sid, I need to have words! x

WhyMe "the joy of seeing him squirm" brilliant. The Weasel gets his comeuppance. xx

Izzie - Pop goes the Weasel - haha x