HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

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Morning Izzie it's still keeping up appearances with him then. Maybe you should call him Hyacinth Bucket!

How are you today? x

Haha, morning iwas, I think Mr Bucket or something similar would be good. Double meaning also in that I wish he would kick the proverbial bucket!!

How was the meal? I'm glad you're enjoying gallivanting. It's opened up a whole new world for you. Good for you! And.....he won't like that, will he

Oh, I'm ok. Been having a sort out this weekend, and ventured into the garden to do the grass. Which got me thinking about the gravel patio and path we were planning. Well, I'm going for it this year. It will be easier when done, less grass to cut!!

There is no stopping me!

And I've had my hair trimmed, quite a bit shorter. Which I prefer. I'm also trying to do the feed me diet. It's generally working, and I'm putting on weight.

Altogether feeling quite chipper.

I had a moment when I was driving Saturday, and I suddenly felt really tearful, big lump in throat. If I had been indoors it would have been a full scale blub. But as I was off somewhere, I contained it and got over it. It reminds me of those lines from "No Regrets" by Robbie Williams"

"Often I sit down and think of you
For a while
Then it passes by me and I think of
Someone else instead"

And I just love the last lines:

"I guess the love we once had is
Officially dead"

Nutty Nora Batty Drawers and Mr Bucket then!

Meal was very nice thank you, I took my sister and BIL out. It has a bit although I do still like being at home too. It's nice to go out and be distracted from everything for a while.

I don't know what he thinks, I know there's a train of thought that it suits him to think that I'm hurting like hell because it suits his ego.

I think I'm doing quite well at the moment but although I don't want him back I still miss him far more than I would like to admit. I find trying to work everything out in my head so complicated. We were happy and he loved me or he pretended to be happy and didn't really love me. Yet he says he was happy and that he loved me so why cheat repeatedly? I just don't get it.

Mothers Day

So, ladies, it's Mothers Day next Sunday. And to paraphrase WWK, we are the parents who parent! they only need one good parent, and that is us!

One of my resolutions this year was to make more of occasions, now I don't have Mr Bucket's work and miserable face to deal with. So, whether our kids are old or young, we all owe it to ourselves to have a really nice day. Both of mine will be out for much of the day [!], but I'm going to have a "me" day and do as I want. I've told the kids that we can go for a meal, the Bucket can pay, but we will go on a different day. Nothing posh or expensive, just a. Ice family time. We never used to do anything really, just go and see our mothers, obviously, when they were alive, but nothing special was ever done for me. So now it's me in charge, we will have much more quality family time.

And to those of you whose children are too young and have to rely on "dad" to do anything.......don't! Take control. Go out with the children and let them choose flowers etc for you. OK it won't be a surprise for you, but it's better than giving the twunts a chance to get at you. It will also teach the children the importance of doing these things. And when they are old enough and have some money of their own, it will come naturally. So, if the twunts don't consider Mothers Day to be relevant, you make damn sure your children do.

I think I'm doing quite well at the moment but although I don't want him back I still miss him far more than I would like to admit

I think a lot of us are like that, me included.

And he cheated repeatedly because he compartmentalised. In his world, it's ok to cheat as long as you don't get found out. Its a different moral code and has NOTHING to do with his feelings for you. You will struggle with this concept because it's just alien to you. But it has been said many times on your thread. I suppose maybe you will eventually accept that as the truth but also accept that you will never understand that mentality.

Sort out weekend sounds good, I need one of those! I think doing your garden how you planned is a great idea. You don't need him to still do it.

Pleased you like your new hair cut. I need to go, the one I used to go to in our village has closed so I can't decide where to go as I don't want to go into the town.

I need to get back to eating healthily bloody Easter Eggs as I've put on about a stone. Unfortunately I haven't really done the divorce diet the last few months I've adopted the comfort eating approach. I did go swimming in the week and am going to try and go weekly. Pleased you are doing well.

I am sorry you had one of those moments the other day, they come out of nowhere sometimes don't they. I find music helps or hinders depending what mood you are in.

No regrets - that gets you thinking doesn't it. I wouldn't have had my children if I hadn't married him but to have been married to someone for 25 years who cheated on me repeatedly makes it hard to not regret it. Why did he have to have that side to him and how the hell was I stupid enough to not realise.

I think I'm doing quite well at the moment but although I don't want him back I still miss him far more than I would like to admit

I don't think I want him back. But I know that as I'm doing the decorating, there are certain things I won't do, in case he comes back. As in I want to remove some wall cupboards in the study. I could clear out his stuff, but a little voice says "so where are you going to put all his things if he comes back?".. Various things like that really. I've just left those things for now, as I have plenty to be getting on with. I do also hesitate to tell him to collect the stuff I have bagged up, for the same reason.

Overall, though, the actual thought of him returning does not please me at all. I like my new found freedom etc. In fact, the thought of going through all of that stuff again just fills me with loathing. I think it's a bit like being a recovering alcoholic. The thought of a drink may appeal but you know it's the road to ruin.

I think iwas sometimes you just need to think, regrets.......it won't change the past. And yes, I just think that I would never have had those specific children had I been with anyone else. I had an early miscarriage between my two sons. I figure that without that miscarriage, I would never have had my DS2 that I have. He would never have been conceived.

We are both doing well. Four months for me. Is it four or five for you? That's no time at all in the grand scheme of things.

You weren't stupid not to realise. You are a trusting person, and he was an expert. The important thing is that as soon as you did realise, you got rid of him. Which is more than I did....and it takes a lot of courage to end a marriage, whatever the circumstances. Big up for you!

Izzie I think that's really good advice about Mother's Day for everyone with younger children. Don't give the twunts the chance to dictate the day.

Good to make the most out of occasions too. Hope you have a lovely Mother's Day with your sons whenever you choose to celebrate it. My son will be home next weekend but it's not practical to go out for lunch as he has to go mid afternoon. So will just do an early lunch at home and I think we're going out on the Saturday evening.

It seems to be so much easier having older children in that they can choose to do things for themselves. There's no access arrangements and handovers and expecting the ex to behave in the way that he should.

I totally agree about the advantages of having older children in these circumstances. At least we can distance ourselves a lot more from the ex. I know you have work etc, but it's your choice, to an extent.

I know he thinks it's okay to cheat as long as you don't get caught. I still think his biggest regret is not deleting his texts and thus getting caught rather than regretting the actual cheating.

I don't get the compartmentalising I really don't. I understand the concept but I just don't see how you can separate things like that. I wouldn't have done anything that hurt him because I loved him too much and wouldn't have jeopardised that nor would I have wanted to do anything. So yes I think maybe I just have to accept it is something that I don't understand although I suspect I will still keep churning it over in my head. Thank you.

I know I say I don't want him back but I do understand what you mean by saying you don't think you want him back.

You have done so well to get to where you are. You are under no obligation to clear out all of his stuff. Do what you feel comfortable doing, if you want to leave it then do so. I'm guessing that you have the thought that if Nutty Nora wasn't in the equation then things might be able to work between you two again.

But generally I've done things in stages, little steps if you like. I find it easier, so leaving that door slightly ajar for that possibility with your ex is something I understand. The alcoholic analogy is a good one.

I know that if I was still of the opinion that my ex-DH had only cheated on me with Miss Not-So-Choosy-Floozy I would probably still be wavering and wondering if it was possible to get past his affair and if I wanted to. In some ways it made it an awful lot easier for me to find out that he's cheated throughout two marriages because I know he will never be any different.

If I took him back I know that he would cheat on me again at some point whether I found out about it or not. So for that reason it's not an option for me, but as I said if I thought it had just been her and truly believed he wouldn't do it again I may have considered it differently.

I am sorry about your miscarriage Izzie but thinking that you wouldn't have DS2 otherwise is a nice positive way of looking at it.

It's three months since I ended our marriage but I asked him to move out in the middle of November so it feels longer. As you say we are both doing well and it's really not that long.

I think I should have realised what he was like though, living with someone for that length of time and not having a clue just seems so naïve.

I didn't get rid as soon as I realised though did I. I saw that text in August and I didn't even speak to him about it until October!! Just tried to kid myself that it was banter. Seems so stupid now to have even been trying to think of possible reasons apart from the obvious. Then it took me another two months to end my marriage. But got there in the end I suppose. Your support then was invaluable, thank you. x

iwas I think the thing with Nutty Nora is that he feels an obligation to her. Therefore she would always be a threat in the background. He allegedly ended it with her 18 months ago, and then she got her cancer diagnosis. I knew then that the marriage was over really. Anyway, how can I ever forgive him for choosing that specimen, believing all her lies, falling for her manipulation etc. he's not worth the bother.

And yes I can understand that Sid's subsequent confessions made it a lot easier for you to leave.

You have been hugely supportive of me, too, and thank you so much for that

The hardest bit is what we are going through now, the initial ending of the marriage, adjusting and all the emotional upheaval. I think to go through all of that to end up getting back together after doing the hard bit isn't the wisest decision unless you know for certain that you will have peace of mind. Any lingering doubts as to what he may do in the future for me means it can't happen as I think that for me the stress of living like that would be worse than being by yourself. But everyone is different, that is just how I feel.

I agree that they are not worth the bother, it's getting through these months that are the hard bit. But, ultimately it is the right decision.

Sid's confessions! He couldn't even respect me enough to make any. He only admitted to cheating on his first wife and then cheating on me when I heard that elsewhere. He flatly denied cheating on me before and I think he'd still be denying it now if I hadn't been told different. When I told him I knew and he eventually admitted it he said then that he realised it was going to come out, he would have carried on denying it if he could. So if I'm honest there's probably a lot I still don't know and never will.

Thank you Izzie, it helps speaking to people who know what you are going through. That initial period when you suspect and then get it confirmed is like hell on earth, I wouldn't wish that on anyone other than OW

Hello my lovelies, just got in and caught up on what you've been up to while I've been at work, seems both of you are in a reflective and pondersome mood. Some very interesting points raised. :)

It does take some time to reconcile the fact that they are not part of your life anymore, some days I still wake up and think, " Fuck, has he REALLY done this to me? " to our family? The person I trusted most in the world betrayed me in the worst possible way, in the worst possible circumstances, with someone I thought was a friend to me" . Did he actually hate me? He must have felt contempt for me, to look at me and see my mental and physical decline over that terrible six months and carry on pursuing her. Ay, there's the rub, as the bard would say, and then still hurt me even further by pretending to want to reconcile, while all the time staying in contact with her.

I couldn't despise a person more, and still can't see the man I knew for 28 years being capable of such cruelty, so the compartmentalising you talk about must be very powerful, it must override all common feelings of empathy and guilt. It is true Iwas, you can't imagine wanting to hurt someone you are supposed to love, but obviously the love wasn't there for them any longer, not enough to keep them faithful anyway.

We are stronger every day I hope, another day over, another one less to stress over. I can really recommend those beta blockers! Tee hee, I'm pushing prescription meds now aren't i? Should have shares in the company! But I need to get through this, and they are helping me personally, so I will KOKO until I don't need them any more. Big hug for all,

look at me and see my mental and physical decline over that terrible six months and carry on pursuing her

I can relate to that. Last Easter the night we were going away she did a missed call on the landline, not witholding her number. I had absolutely no idea he was in contact with her at that stage. I cried all the journey, we had some wasted days. Fucking cunts the pair of them.

Good for you, Hobbit you are sounding stronger again. You do whatever it takes to get through this.

I know what you mean about despising them. He is coming round on Thursday, no doubt pretending to be married to me........and just as I typed that I sent the following: "I hope he knows we are separated. I certainly don't want people to see you out and about and think I'm in the dark or are somehow condoning an affair. Similarly if you decide to use him for your own home". Anyway, quite frankly, I don't want people to think I'm married to that specimen. Especially not with that stupid haircut haha.

I would be interested to see how he would feel about the builder comparing me and her. I'm nothing special but I'm clearly more attractive than her, from what I've been told. Puts me in mind of that song. But have put the ad up instead as it makes me laugh.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=YQ643U7ccpM

you know it really does amaze me how STBXH manages to be out gallivanting with OW every other weekend whilst declaring to me that there is no money - either he is still putting it through the business and passing it of as "business entertainment" or hes lying or quite likely both or perhaps he's paying her "extra" and then shes funding their splurges in London - and all the time letting me drain the kids savings - guess its time for that word again TWUNT!

izzie i love that advert - makes me smile everytime

i guess they better make the most of it really because coming back to earth is going to be a huge bump and you know DD keeps saying do you think OW knows there is no money as STBXT keeps saying!

i wonder how twunt is going to feel when kids eventually tell him to F88K off - hope it compensates for the 20K spent on IVF!