HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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Izzie - I've been reading your posts and you seem so much stronger. I think you are getting to the stage where you realise exactly what he is doing and are refusing to let it affect you. It's not easy but it does get easier xx

Yes. And I think with the financial control, as he's always done the finances.....I've come to the conclusion that I have far better things to do with my time than to agree the bank statements etc, so he can bloody well do it for me! He thinks I'm just respecting his wishes! The house stuff is now getting to be a matter of pride that I will get it done myself. And as for the rest of it....well basically he's a fuckwit and I'm more sorted than he will ever be. And I'm enjoying my life free from all the shit. In fact, I have to say, that as I had a big lead up of shit to the end of my marriage, the actual ending of it has proved considerably less traumatic than the thought of it. Yes I still mourn my marriage in principle, but for now I'm enjoying the single life on both salaries! So I hate to say that it suits me that his is with Nutty Nora, but it does. Although I do hope of course that they are both bloody miserable

And thank you Strong xx

Actually the ending of my marriage has been traumatic. I should say though, that what led up to it was very traumatic too. So it's an end to all of that messing with my head

Yes, absolutely anything, even just a feet up night away from the chores etc.Just! What am I saying?? That is pure heaven for most of us!

Night all, so much for my early night again.......

Izzie - I know exactly what you mean - I now know how to play him and I never thought I would become that sort of person but needs must and me and my DC need to start coming first. I find asking him things in a certain way gets a better response and I am using that to my advantage at the moment. It is completely out of character for me and I don't think he thinks I would ever think like this.

I also feel that I "wasted" 24 years of my life on him - when I read some posts on here about how people beg and cry - he never did that but I still went back for more. If I wrote everything down that he did - at least 3 affairs, 1 of which resulted in a child and various other things, I can't believe now with what I put up with. No more messing with our heads...they have done us a favour. We all deserve so much more xx

Hobbit...Great news about your boy...see results because you're a fantastic supportive parent unlike that twat.
And the twat can push all he likes but you stand strong and concentrate on what you want.
They seem to expect us to 'move on' (yep hate that phrase too) so quickly when we have all this shit to deal with. They have compartmentalised their lives and cut us out. I feel like I've been swapped like yesterdays socks and thrown on the floor.

Izzie...trauma of ending a marriage...because we are decent human beings we feel the depth of the pain because we felt the depth of the love.
They have no empathy, no compassion for us because all they focus on is their new life. Their little brains cannot comprehend the pain that they have caused.

Strong...wasted 24 years (mine was 23)...when you look back it does feel like a waste but we need to look forward and see all the years that we have saved from being stuck in these relationships. We deserve more. They are the failures not us. These men do not deserve another 5 mins of our time.

Deck...The ring headaches seem to come as part of the divorce package. The stress and anxiety build up so much that my head could explode.

WWK...You're on the final furlong and we're all with you. You have every right to feel sad and all the other emotions that come with it.

Green...Please don't expect these men to be reasonable . We judge by our standards but they do not have any (see OW!)
Lovely that you got a kiss...see you're a great mum...take that as a seal of approval.
You're doing great enduring your treatment and his shit so give yourself a pat on the back. You're holding on and doing fine. I think I might put a calendar up and tick off the days as suggested...at least we can see the shit days are behind us.
You're right happy people don't behave like twunts...I so hope my stbxh is unhappy but from the inane grin on Facebook he's having the time off his life. Bastard.

I've had a letter from his solicitor with his version of keeping my children recently. He's actually turned it round to put the blame on me...saying that it was my reaction that upset the children and made my little one 'cling to him out of fear'. WTF! If he hadn't said he was keeping them there would have been no situation. Why do they just keep attacking us when we haven't done anything?

He also wants to come round to get his possessions but he wants dates when the children are not here. Because the bastard wants to take their playstation, tv and sofa. So I have to arrange for them to go out and then have to explain why their playroom stuff has gone when they get back. I don't think so.

Anyway I should really be going to bed so night night. Here's to a better tomorrow. xx

Whyme - ignore Facebook - he won't be having the time of his life and if he is, then karma will come to get him. I can't understand what you went through when he didn't return the DC as ex doesn't want them at all and it is a struggle to make him spend any time with them.

Saying the last 24 years was a waste wasn't exactly true but even now because of his actions and behavior, it is taking all my strength just to get from one day to the next. I'm waiting for what he is going to throw at me today and tomorrow. I guess I need to stop thinking so much about him and start thinking more about me....easier said than done.

WhyMe if you can withstand the pressure - get him to take you to court over the chattels.

I'm standing my ground on this one. IMO he left, he fucked off, he ran away to his new future. He 'forgot' what was life left behind. There was just little old me trying to deal with the fallout of it all. And yes, he left behind a whole load of 'things'. Sure he remembered the big things...

And so now he's getting desperate he does not agree that he left without them.

And trying to batter me for having them.

Such is the role of his 'righteous indignation'.

In my understanding of 'divorce' sometimes 'those things' are children.

It's not that they give a damn about the children - it's more a case they don't want the parent who stays to...

...get on with her life.

And bring up 'his' children.

KOKO.

WWK the week in the run up to a hearing is awful isn't it with a little bit of panic as each day gets closer and not sleeping much. I wish you the very best of luck. Do you have an idea what the judge is likely to award? Or is it so open to his interpretation that you really don't have a clue?

Deck I think solicitors advise you to stay in the house because the courts don't like to uproot the children so its more likely you will get to stay there after the divorce. However in my case after six months of his abuse post affair I was so ill and frightened that I did move out. I am still entitled to a large chuck of the value of the house. It's horrible to have to deal with their abuse each day and such a relief when you finally get free of it.

I used to think that all those years were wasted but no so much now. We did have some happy times and I have my DS so it was worth it. Emotionally detaching from them is simply down to the passing of time.

morning ladies & drifting!

I just want to say you lot are bloody brilliant - group hug is what this is! the fact that most of us are on our knees a lot of the time and can still find the empathy and strength to reach out to others who are struggling a bit more just goes to show the true spirit of the human character when it is mostly "flawless!" None of the twunts have any comprehension of what this feels like because they are afraid of vulnerability - thats why they all had to hook up with someone else - because they are actually scared of themselves. Just wait for the fall ladies - it will come!

well - yes I bet it does feel like that - but you know vulnerability is a sign of strength - you will get through this - have you got something planned for the week after because I imagine you will feel steamrollered whatever the outcome.

izzie you have done some great posts - you are sounding good - ive noticed the swearing has stopped (almost) which must be a good sign this will be all of us one day

fuck I have no idea how on earth I got through that lot, but I did, and I'm happier than I have ever been

deck - great idea with the chart - & yes do it daily if u need to- treats dont have to cost money - its acknowledging that what you are doing for yourself is because you are worth it - and funny enough this can be chores too! and you are not pathetic - what you are having to deal with is torture more or less and you are dealing with it - keep strong!

hobbit great news - echo whys words here - you have conquered another hurdle that twunts dont have the balls to deal with - just another one of their failings they can add to their long list and another success for you!

strong glad you are doing ok - and the answer is no they wouldn't care for you - you havent wasted 24 years - look at it as a lesson - look at all the things you have learnt about yourself - these twunts have learnt nothing they are just repeating the same mistakes with someone else -better to get out now and have the chance of finding someone that will- remember this was a practice run!

why- your posts are going straight to my heart right now - and they have to twist it dont they because they dont want to believe it is their own actions that are causing the rejection.

tabby - thats it - i have my kids and notice i use the word "my"- everything is worth it because of them! who knows where this will end up but I will ALWAYS have them!

i just want to add - i did go out last night - very nearly didnt and so glad i did - had to push myself though izzie and I watched this guy play his guitar - he was amazing - you know what they say about some musicians when the instrument is an extension of themselves - he felt every note and you could see it - extremely talented and he knew it too - but the thing here is he wasnt cocky - so easily could have been - when i read his lyrics you can see he was - but he fell - and he has been given a second chance - this facebook nonsense - its all cockiness - they think they have got away with it! and by the sounds of it they all had a second chance! but happiness is within - this guy played his guitar mostly with his eyes shut - he was completely absorbed in it - didnt matter to him if he was in his bedroom or a packed pub! but he was real!

Morning Green pleased you went out last night and the guitarist sounds great. How are you today? x

iwas feeling a bit better you?

That's good Green you sounded a bit more upbeat in your earlier post.

I'm doing quite well at the moment, thanks. You know when all this happened I was devastated, I thought my world had fallen apart. But well it hasn't. I'm still here, I still have good, close relationships with my children. My sister has been wonderful, I have good friends. I have my health (touch wood). I am very lucky, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

The but is that I don't have a man I thought was a kind and decent person as my husband anymore. But, whatever his good points, and he does still have good points, he lied and cheated on me for most of our 25 year marriage and I have no wish to be married to someone like that.

So, yes I'm mourning the loss of who I thought I was married to and all the support and happy family life that I lost when I asked him to leave and I do struggle a lot thinking about what he did for all of that time but ultimately do I want him back - no.

Izzie sorry he was being awkward again after you thought you made some progress.

Tabby I would think it's quite satisfying that your ex would like to come back and even more satisfying that you say no. No-one should ever have to forgive their husband cheating. If you don't want to or can't stay faithful why the hell make vows in the first place promising to do just that.

Green have another hug from me too. x You are the only person who knows how you feel, how it has affected you and exactly what has happened. Your version of the truth is the truth, no matter what anyone else says.

Yes I do feel quite together at the moment could change at any time and trying to stay positive.

WWK sorry you are struggling mentally at the moment, but to be expected with your final hearing so close after such a long time and all the stress you have had to deal with. I am sure you will be relieved when it is over with but it is still very sad to be in this position, I don't think any of us wanted to get divorced. I agree with everything that Izzie said in her post of 21.33 last night - you are amazing and inspiring. KOKO. xx

Decks you seem to be having a really rough time, so sorry. The boxes sound a good idea. You will get them ticked off in no time. x

Hobbit great news about your son. That must be one weight off your mind. Hope you are feeling okay. x

Izzie that's interesting what you say about the first wife. I have never met her so don't know if there's similarities between us. I think it's safe to assume that there won't be many similarities between the second wife and the third wife if he married the not-so-choosy-floozy and she was stupid enough to say yes

You are doing really well with the contact, it sounds like you are dictating it now rather than him. Well done you!

Yes I had a lovely meal out with my friend last night - I got home at quarter to 1! Am driving tonight as can't face more wine! I did enjoy calling OW not-so-choosy-floozy to his face. I kept a reasonably straight face but did smirk a bit. I got glared at and he said she wasn't a floozy! She sure as hell isn't choosy!

Hell Strong nice to hear from you. Pleased you are feeling more detached. Sorry your dad has not been well. That is very true - the ex's don't change and never will do because they are totally selfish - everything is always about them.

WhyMe his keeping the children recently was entirely his fault, can't he even accept responsibility for that. It's not my place to castigate your ex but he really is a prat! Hope you have had a better day today. KOKO. xx

Iwas you sound strong this weekend. It's horrible when your ex and kids go off and do things without you I had to face that last year and they went and did something I would have loved to join in with. After so many years all together it feels so weird. It really helps to take it as an opportunity to do some fun things on your own or with friends you may even eventually look forward to the times on your own.

Paddlingduck - it is good to know I am not the only one who feels like that - the thing is even now, with all his games and lies, it is extremely hard to move on when so much energy is spent just getting through one day to the next.

Strong...I don't know what's worse...when they don't want to know them or when they just use them as weapons . They're twisted and we will never understand their mindset.

WWK...I think you're spot on again. Whether the chattels are furniture or children they just want to leave us with nothing. They choose to leave so just go and let us make a success of our lives like I know all us women & drifting are capable of doing.

green...you're right...we do find strength to help others because we are caring and compassionate people who, through no fault of our own, are going through the worse period of our lives.

The children will help us get through this because I for one know that he will never get them. Over my dead body...I would haunt the bastard.
I sometime do have dark thoughts but I look at them and know I have no choice but to carry on.

Remember they were the practise run and we do deserve better.

I can't wait for the emotional detaching to start...I'm currently stuck in a place that keeps me looking back and re-running the hurt. Try as I might I just cannot see the future yet. Perhaps tomorrow will be different.

I was sitting in a pub today and an Elvis Presley song came on and I just found myself sobbing and yet when it ended I was back to normal. The song actually didn't mean anything to me so I think I maybe going slightly mad!

He was supposed to have the children today but he didn't turn up. He'll probably turn that round as well and blame it on me.

Hugs and support to everyone else on here.
And lets all cross off another day. xx

whyMe words fail me that he would think he could take the DCs tv and games console. They really do get so selfish don't they. It was only thanks to the mediator that my DS got any of his things back and they had been treated so badly that some of his things were ruined causing even more distress to DS.

It is very upsetting when our DC appear to believe the lies and when their dads can turn them against us so easily. But I have come to the conclusion recently that my DS does know when his dad is lying and he does know that leaving us for OW was wrong its just that he is desperate to hold onto the crumbs of a relationship offerred by his dad. Your older DD probably feels secure that you would never leave her so she feels safe to act up with you and safe to side with her dad no matter how ridiculous the lies. She doesn't feel secure enough in her relationship with him to say that she doesn't believe him or to question his behaviour because she knows that might mean he wouldn't want to see her any more.

If we had acted like our STBXHs where would that leave the DCs? Home alone whilst we both went out shagging? I find the lot of them utterly sexist that they would think it was ok on any level to abandon their DC and think 'well that's ok their mum can look after them it's not my responsibility'. But the end result is that our DC feel secure with us because we are the ones who stayed.

Just got to note this. Builder wants to come round to go through things. He's contacted the twat. So twat has done a reply saying he will just check his availability and get back to him. Then asks me when I'm available. In other words, he has no intention of letting the builder know we are separated. It's all about appearance......

I've texted him to say that perhaps he can let the builder know we are separated.

Hell, I'm not having him out and about with that weirdo and have people think I don't know!