HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

Hobbit sorry you are still struggling at the moment too. Meet him if you think it will help you, if you don't want to then don't. It is your decision, not his. He has let you and your sons down very badly and you don't owe him a minute of your time if you don't want to.

I find it so hard to understand how some men can show such a lack of concern for their children. I am not surprised that you hate him with the attitude that he has shown. Whatever else has happened he is still their father and it's about bloody time he acted like it rather than leaving you do to do everything singled handed when it's his bloody mess in the first place.

Bobs good you had the mediator on your side and you at least got some paperwork out of him. Really nice of him to keep focusing on your inheritance.

Hope you have enjoyed your evening out tonight and that you had plenty of Izzietinis!

Izzie I thought your text was very diplomatic and made your point very well. Pleased it seems to have hit home, just hope he does make an effort now with your sons.

Great that you are feeling happier and a bit more detached. Damaged goods would be right. That saying is a good one.

Well well, it seems he actually has the hump about my diplomatic text. He is being awkward about texting the builder, saying he has priorities and some are more priorities than others. Typical passive aggressive and accused me of being impatient. Twat.

So one text I sent, "I sent that text yesterday in good faith. And now I see your reaction to it. Fine"

And the final text I sent him after an exchange was "You know as well as I do that your "no" was inflammatory. You knew exactly what you were doing by giving no explanation. It seems you still need to wind things up to somehow justify your frankly bizarre decision to move in with a woman you have spent the last couple of years trying to get away from. As I say, sort your own issues and leave me to enjoy my life with people who are not trying to punish me for their own shortcomings. "

The "no" referred to his reply when I asked if he had contacted the builder. He said he would do it before today.

Fuck it, I sent a few tonight and don't give a damn. His actions over the years and since he left, and his snotty emails, paint a far better picture of the twunt than any texts I have sent. Particularly in the area of excessive financial control and not being open about his spending. Fucking twat twat twat.

He knows damn well I can't just appoint the builder, as I'm not sure where the money is to come from.

Green yes you will also be feeling worse because the children are on a trip.

I'm going to bed now. That fucker is not going to lose me any sleep and cause me a problem oversleeping.

So the truth bloody hurts, and he's not man enough to deal with it. Total failure as a father. And the kids quite frankly are almost beyond caring. He won't be coming back here under any circumstances. He's totally stuffed. And I can't wait to find out that he realises that.

Green please take my last post as proof that it's better to detach from them. I'm really wound up now. But I think my previous recent posts show that I've been happier by emotionally detaching.

And it is very likely that he will realise that Izzie as soon as the shine wears off with OW. My ex asks me to get back together at least once a week. Tries to minimise sex and blow jobs with OW as just a mistake for a crazy few days. Then tries to twist the blame onto me by saying that I'm not forgiving enough. That's when I say 'It wasn't a mistake it was your choice and how can I be in a relationship with someone who's willing to cheat and lie to me? And why should I have to forgive my husband cheating on me? That's not part of the deal of marriage' Which is quite satisfying because he has no answer to that.

morning all - feeling slightly better - took my drug of choice - double strenghth ST and knocked me out hobbit you made me laugh with your comment "have you tried beta blockers?" it comes to something when we are suggesting drug therapy as easily as if we were suggesting a new brand of washing powder :-) but I get the sentiment - I need a hug-thank you. At least I have the dog! i did have something else prescribed but they made me feel sick so ditched them.

I found a book on my "pile" - the miracle of self love - and realised I am allowing other people's perceptions of the truth to cloud my own version of the truth. i also came across a new phrase -"intuitive-sensitive" which explains why I "see" things, I feel things deeply, i can become overwhelmed easily and I am more easily affected by other people's critiscism and negative moods. I also read that if you love yourself all you give out is love - i think I had got to this place before xmas perhaps the BC has had more of an impact than ive realised.

izzie you are right about one step at a time and I need to get back to the basics that make me feel good which is dog walking, yoga & dancing - i need to work on my "well of goodness" lol anyone remember this and I can see the frustration in your posts - i bet we all see it clearly in each others! Izzie - i think you are too much like me - we get over our anger we approach again because we expect them to be reasonable- and then they are not and the cycle starts all over again.

I have a night out tonight hobbit but when I get like this sometimes being in company is hard - people who are not used to seeing me like this find it hard to understand and the tendency is to withdraw I guess as self preservation - Actually I know now why the yoga has been so good - because nobody judges you, you learn not to judge yourself and as a result you stop judging other people.

iwas you sound really together at the moment - i hope this is on your own thread too - havent checked you out for a while -must do that -

family are u ok - & drifting if you are reading but not posting send one of us a pm so we know u are ok - sometimes people disappear because they are doing ok which is great but also some disappear because they are not doing so great and feel awkward about sharing - remember this is the place for shit that you dont have to admit to in RL! we all get that!

KOKO everyone xx

Evening all. I'm having a bit of a time of it mentally as I'm back to the every five minutes of panic, anger, denial, sadness which I'm hoping will exit stage right once the final hearing is over but I've got through the whole week without hearing from the solicitor or the husband, but at the moment I sigh hugely when 5:30 comes around and nothing has thudded into the inbox.

I guess next week will be the last full week of hell. I feel, some days, like I'm heading off to the executioner in ten days' time. I have to remind myself there is life after divorce although I might not like it, I will have to 'just' get on with it. What's so scary now though is I don't know when he's arriving in town so having to be careful all the time. I'll be glad when I'm shot of him in so many ways but still sad that it's ended like this.

Green - I hope the treatment goes well. There was an article today that so many husbands when the wife gets sick but not vice versa. You should not be having to deal with a divorce at the same time as a treatment programme, and I'm so pleased you recognise the slippery slope into depression. Please, just take it one day at a time and sod the bloody housework for now! Or get the kids to do it...

Hobbit Hope things are improving with your boy. And those Beta-blockers sound amazing - I like Green's comment that we bandy about drug-taking like we are recommending washing powder! But whatever gets us through this god awful period of our lives, gets us through it. KOKO.

Izzie I'm pleased that you're emotionally detaching, and your texts sound assertive rather than pissed off. You are all woman, you! Proud of you.

Tabby I always wondered if they regret it? It seems yours does indeed. I like the fact that emotionally you've moved on so much. I hope you're enjoying your "lull" between hearings.

Iwas I hope you're doing okay too.

Bobs I hope the head wasn't too difficult to manage this morning! Well done on getting through a mediation day and I hope you had a lovely evening. Take a few days out now to relax. The good days are so few in divorce, as it's an exhausting process. Take care.

WWK you've sounded so strong throughout all of your stuff! and now we are seeing your vulnerable side. I can understand why you are such a mix of emotions now. It's a bit like a build up to a funeral. And I sincerely hope that the final hearing will be some relief from all of the grief you have been through, in every sense of the word. You have done incredibly well to still be standing at this stage, don't even dare to deny or minimise your achievements, madam! There are a huge number of people on MN in awe of you, and who are with you in spirit. As they all do, I wish you every future luck and happiness. Give it time, go easy on yourself. One day you will be one of those posters who say, fuck I have no idea how on earth I got through that lot, but I did, and I'm happier than I have ever been. Bless you, I feel emotional for you. Sending you big hugs. And luck, of course, but if don't think you will need that. Xx

The comment about bandying about drug taking, I can relate to that in a different way. My dad had dementia caused by a series of strokes, and it was a very rapid and frightening decline. The tablets were never enough, so we used to play about with the mix and dosage in an attempt to help him. Lots of black humour at. The time, including how we should add amateur chemist to our CVs. I will never know how I got through all of that. It's true, isn't it, you just get on with it

Hi Deck you are still living with him, right? As bobs said, sometimes we need a profile of every poster to remind ourselves! Anyway, if you are still living with him, you have my utmost sympathy. All I can say, which probably won't make you feel much better, is that even if we don't live with them, we still get all the twatty nonsense. So I hope you don't feel too alone in your situation. You hold on in there, girl! Focus on the fact that this won't last forever, and that one day you really will be able to live away from him. But yes, I "left" my husband once but stayed under the same roof, there was no way he was going to move out. Although I didn't get any unpleasant behaviour, I got sick of looking at his miserable face, not actually trying to win me back but just looking like a big miserable lump. I used to take myself out as often as I could, just to get away. So yes, urgh! And I'm very grateful that now the tables are turned, he has sodded off out of here

Green I understand about not wanting to go out. I'm rather meh about that at the moment. Although I have to say I did enjoy myself last weekend when I did. I suppose it's something you either wait until you are ready for, or you have to push yourself.

Hi WWK, you lovely girl, not long to wait now, calm before the storm , and all that malarkey, I understand completely the mix of emotions you are experiencing right now, how has it come to this indeed?

But it was not your choice, not your fault, not your fight, it was imposed upon you, and you had no other option but to fight back at the unfairness of it all.

That was a lovely post from Izzie as well, think I must have something in my eye, :)

Good news about my boy, they are letting him re sit the modules he missed, and we putting support in place and arranging better contact between his tutor and ourselves.

WWK from what I've read, most of them regret divorcing. And I've also read that if and when they finally settle again, it's with someone who is not unlike the first wife! Presumably NOT the actual first wife as they don't want to know

My stuff, I'm emotionally detaching even more than I thought. We had an exchange of texts today, during which he accused me of "turning my sons against me......winding them up". To which I replied with full force, including telling him that he had a victim mentality and should grow a pair. Also said that my original text was meant as genuine. He replied saying that's how he took it but blah blah. To which I said that he was now contradicting himself, having accused me of manipulating our sons. At which point he realised he had lost the battle of words, and suggested we move forwards. Which I very kindly accepted, and asked him to contact the builder. Ha! Finally it reached top of the priority list.....and I just relaxed and detached! He texted later asking if I had heard from the garage and whether I had sorted blah blah. I decided to play him at his own game, kept it deliberately vague. Said there "had been contact" ( ha, a phrase he used in connection with OW), and danced around his questions. So he is still none the wiser. And now he knows how that feels. Anyway, I'm still back to emotionally detached. Feeling smug that I've got the better of him yet again. I enjoy giving him no reason to wind things up. In fact I generally enjoy being pleasant to him, because it will make it harder for him to justify his leaving. Do I want him to regret leaving? Is the pope Catholic??

Hobbit great news re uni!!

And yes you said a lot of things to WWK in your post that I missed saying. Thank you for filling in the gaps for me xx

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZHwVBirqD2s

For WWK.. Posted this before, but hell, we can do as we damn well please

I'm Still Standing

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

iwas I hope you enjoyed your meal tonight. And I did laugh that you managed to call her miss not so choosy to his face. Haha, did you manage to keep a straight face?

I'm taking my lead from you now. Next time I refer to Nutty Nora, I will use that name to him. If I'm feeling kindly disposed I may just use Nora. At the moment I refer to her as Mrs real surname , as I refuse to use her first name. And why fucking why do so many people I know have the same name as her?? Actually I refer to her ex as being Unsteady.....name to my ex. Not too difficult to work that one out!

Just a quick shout out to Strong, Family and Drifting and anyone else who hasn't been posting for a while, just pop in and let us know you are still KOKOing , or if things are a bit tough at the moment, please take care of yourselves.

Deck I think that's a really good idea. Personally, I would have a daily tick one as well, to be ticked off as I go to bed. Hell, every day is a bloody achievement. And why don't you try treating yourself at every milestone, either a month or week, to celebrate surviving it. Any little treat, whatever takes your fancy.

Thanks Hobbit - I'm OK and have been reading but not posting too much as things seems to have calmed down. Twat has done several things this week (like not meeting DD for lunch yesterday as promised as he was out late the night before) and in the past it made me furious. Now it provokes no reaction. It is his choice and I can't change him. There is only 1 person that matters in his life and that is him.

My dad has been ill this week (nothing serious) and seeing the way my mum cares for him made me think. That could be me in the future and would exp care for me? No because he would be too busy thinking about himself.

He left last April - nearly a year and for everyone not as far along the journey, please let me reassure you that things do get easier. The exs don't change and nothing they do surprises me anymore. All I can say is we are strong woman looking after our DC and families and they can never change that.

KOKO everyone xx

And I have no children tomorrow so will be going shopping for mother's day presents for me. Last year on the Saturday afternoon before Mother's Day, DD was trying to call ex as she wanted some money to buy me flowers. Of course he was round OW house (doing puzzles in magazines apparently!!). When my DD finally got hold of him his response was "she is not my mother so why should I buy presents for her"

So a big bunch of flowers is in order this year I think!!

Hi Strong what a good post. And I hope you dad is better soon.

As for your comment re would exp care for you if you were ill......well a while ago I removed mine as next of kin at work. I decided that if I was ill, he would be the last person I would want to see. And the fact that he would feel entitled to see me, has made me more determined that he won't!!

Mother's Day, absolutely, Strong. And I would give DD some money so she can buy you flowers herself. She should t be denied that pleasure because her dad is a twunt

Shouldn't , I mean