HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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not quite managing to put into practise what i preach

That's why he keeps moaning at me because he says has no money. bobs if he doesn't produce it the judge will make a very favourable award to me there is a legal term for it which I can't remember, WWK will probably know, but the judge will just assume that he is loaded and award assets and maintenance to me.

Also contempt of court which can mean prison.

Ah ok Tabbie I thought that might happen! I've been wondering if stbx might try to take early retirement and claim he hasn't got enough to live on, but I think a judge would see through that too!

green mine never thought he was happy - he was always a pesimistic sob! He just needs other people to feel the same way, and if, God forbid, those around him are happy, it just makes him more miserable and wanting to bring them down to his level!

ha! Tabby - I don't know what the name is, just told that they 'infer' it. It comes down to how credible they sound when in the witness box, past behaviour etc. Can't make you laugh with STBXH's hilarious tales of woe because I'm not allowed to talk about an on-going case...but this always makes for an interesting read...

It has a husband who was 'too sick to work' and who 'recklessly and wantonly' spent assets post separation despite having a near destitute future...

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWCA/Civ/2007/1085.html

One week, six days!

Interesting read - gotta love the English language! I especially liked No 10 where it was stated as reasonable for the wife to need a 3 bed house for her DC, almost 18 & 19

I just read all that and my head hurts. Think I am woefully unprepared for what lies ahead. Cant help wondering what he got up to that was described as ''other improvidence' in point 13.

Haha the mind boggles - wine, women & song? I've skimmed through a few landmark cases which might relate to my situation but find them incredibly laborious.

I think it's tricky in that we can't have access to see what it's all about in court until it's our turn, so, like childbirth, difficult to know what to expect. As for the high-fallutin' language...well that's what barristers/solicitors are for innit?

ive just got back from dropping kids off for school trip - get my treatment plan today - DD said to me tues night " why is the world against me - what have i done wrong" last night " looks like shes replaced you now her kids are going to replace us" - I have that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I havent had for months - im going to have to dig really deep today - but just had a thought my DS let me kiss him goodbye infront of his mates & another mum said your kids let you kiss them! - that has to be it!:-)

Aww that was nice green. It's the little things that make us happy, especially when they have to do with DC

My DD1 texted me several times at 3am this morning to tell me how drunk she was - so appreciated!!!

Hi everyone, still KOKOing, keeping up with everyone, having some good days and bad days as per usual.

Fuckface is pushing for a face to face meeting re financials and no 2 sons problems. I really don't want to , get that churning feeling in my stomach and anxiety ramps up when I think about being in the same room as him . Also , where we gonna meet? Can't be at the house, because I don't feel comfortable discussing him when he is present, can't be at her house can it? Can't be at the pub, too public!

In the car? nah, just gonna do it be email I think, I think he thinks I will "understand " the finanancial proposal better when he can explain it fully, FFS, I've been through it with my sol bestie, he just wants to bully me into accepting his shit offer, as if I dont "get" it.

So fuck him and that bike he rode off on, they can just swivel. :)

AND, still venting here sorry, he has done NOTHING, re helping with youngest sons latest problems , I have taken him to gp's for referral, taken him to my counsellor for a session with her, and taken him to see his PT and course coordinator for a meeting, also arranged some support from student welfare and student disability.

He has made no contribution as to how to help at all, not one suggestion, or offer of practical or emotional support.

God, is it even possible to hate the man even more than I do already!

Steam coming out of my head!

Hi Hobbit good to hear from you but sorry things aren't going well

If he is suggesting a face to face without sols then only do it with a friend there. Perhaps at a mutual friend's house. I would only do this if you just want to get on and get it all sorted, and only if he is going to be reasonable. and of course you won't actually agree to anything until you have consulted with your sol.

Otherwise it is mediation. This would be a much better environment where no bullying should take place and things would be pointed out that you might not have thought about - just costs more!

It's all a vicious circle really. You have to be in the right mind set to do this. but of course your head will be all over the place because of the current situation

I am having 2nd joint mediation session this afternoon and am just marking time till I have to leave - cleaning the house, posting inane comments on MN, wondering if he bring his financials/reasonable needs, wondering what I will do if he doesn't etc etc. To me this is one step closer - could also be one step back and off to court we go . all control you see.....

Just for you Hobbit

Thanks, Bobsy, that did give me a chuckle, I feel he is rushing me, pushing me, I don't know if he has a secret agenda here, or if he just wants to get it over and done with. That way he can 'move on ' .

Fuck me I hate that phrase, he uses it all the time, I will 'move on' when I'm good and ready, we have been a couple for 28 years, and he wants me to move on in five months! And now the added stress of my sons difficulties with his eating problems and wanting to leave his uni course, it is very hard atm.

Maybe I'll ask him to ask bitchface how long it took her to 'move on' after her husband left her for another woman, get some insight then wouldn't he?

Hope mediation goes well for you today, keeping everything crossed for you. X

hi bobs - yes hope it goes well - hope he brings the required paperwork
hi hobbit you sound like you're struggling too - personally I dont think ill be able to "move on" (hate that phrase too) until everything is sorted - too much still up in the air here - and i can be fine one minute - desperate the next - everything seems to have implications on something else and if they wanted to move things on there is so much they could be doing differently but don't. They dont see that we are juggling everything to try & keep things ok for our kids when really sometimes I just want to run off, start afresh and do all things I could be doing if I wasn't clearing up his shit! and no doubt when all this is over they'll sit back & think dont know what all the fuss is about! beacuse to them its simple - thats the old life- this is the new- no connection! TWUNTS!

I would say to you that if you are not struggling money-wise and have a decent roof over your heads, then take all the time you need to get yourselves sorted mentally. Don't be pushed - they can wait!

My guess is it's too much for their poor heads - having 2 families an' all and OW will be pushing...

bobs hope it went well today

Hobbit good suggestions from from bobs re the proposed meeting. Otherwise, yes do it by email. Whatever you find easiest for you. I certainly won't be negotiating face to face with the ex. I want time to absorb things, and I don't want him to see any reaction except that which I present to him, if you know what I mean. Also a good point about taking your time from bobs.

WWK feeling both nervous and excited for you. Fingers tightly crossed for you, although somehow I don't think you will need luck

Nothing much to report from me. No movement re financial settlement. Suits me fine. Have asked him to get the builders in for work that we had previously agreed. And texted him the following yesterday as I'm concerned re the kids:

"Sorry if this comes out wrong because I'm rushing this. But you need to know that both kids feel let down by you not helping with things here. Also you have hardly seen them. I appreciate you appear to have a lot on, but they are your sons and should take priority over any wants or needs of a third party. As an example, you took all that time off over Xmas and you only saw them for an hour on Boxing Day. I wish to emphasise this is not about you helping me. Whatever on that score. It's about sticking up for my sons. Yes yours too of course, you know that. You are alienating them. That is your lookout of course, you chose your path. However, as I say, they are my sons, yes yours too, and I don't like to see them suffering. Especially DS2. As I say, this is a rushed text so please appreciate it may not be tactful etc. but it's true, the sentiment behind it. I don't mean to offend you, I'm thinking of DS1 and DS2...............I suppose the point is that throughout most of our marriage your job has always been busy. And you can't wait until it slows down. I was still waiting for that until you left."

Not an easy read for him. I got a reply this morning thanking me for the text and apologising for not replying earlier. In his speak, this means that it's hit home with him.

Green hearing those words from DD, so bloody hard. He needs to reassure her that it's not the case. Him, not just you

izzie - i dont think he's capable of that - hes done nothing to reassure them about anything - i've sent STBXH loads of emails along those lines - never got a response - so I hope yours is better!

my treatment is going to start in about 3 weeks and got to have 4 weeks of radiotherapy & 10 yrs on drugs - feeling really down at the moment and cant shake it off. the thinking just never seems to stop - today I have almost been at panic stage thinking about the future - normally I am ok looking at the bigger picture in most situations but if i start going down this route there are so many things that Im going to have to deal with that i almost cant face it. There are loads of things I could be doing to keep myself distracted but they are all house related and just highlights it more and I just cant get motivated. I know this can be the slippery slope to depression and realised today my last bout was down to a situation I had no control over, where any attempts at communication were ignored and overlooked and its happening all over again. im crying again - ive had two professional people ask me in 2 days whether im suicidal. I dont want these feelings but cant bloody stop them.

Okay to start off I'm half cut so this may be a little incoherent (hic)

Mediation session this afternoon - another 2 hrs of fuckwittery (and the extra it takes to write it all up for the mediator...+VAT)

Dashed back after to see DD1 who had come back from uni and had kindly picked up DD2 from school. Been opening belated pressies and just about to go out for a meal (DD1's driving!)

In the normal course of events, finance stuff would have been exchanged and we would be negociating the results. However he managed to produce some paperwork at the end of the meeting - not sure what - complained how difficult it had been for him - and I guess I'll get my copy next week some time.

A lot of time wasted. He's not coming up with much, keeps on focusing on my inheritance. Gotta love the mediator - just about everything she said was in my favour - shows how reasonable I am being He just can't get his head round it - wants 50% of everything even though it leaves him with a wee; paid job and me with much lower income. He's blaming his sol and said he's making complaint against him - all sorts of fuckwittery really.

Will continue tomorrow as have to go out now.

Tarra!

Green one step at a time. And I think you really need to try to detach from his behaviour as far as possible, as he clearly does your head in. It's so easy for me to say this of course. I know my situation is much easier, but can I say that I had years of him and that bitch in my head, and I know how it dominated so much. I've now detached a lot more and am focussing on myself and the kids, and I'm happier for it. I think of both of them as damaged goods and that they are not worthy of my time, emotions or energy.

I've just thought of that saying: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Please, my lovely, go to see your doctor or counsellor to get more help. You are worth so much more than to be where you are emotionally.

We Can do this Green honey, because we must, there is no other option open to us, but I totally sympathise, it does consume your thoughts, it overwhelms everything else, and you have the added worry and stress of your treatment to deal with as well.

I cannot believe he would treat you in this callous way, it really is a headfuck, there are twunts, and there is Mr Green , he is a whole other level of arsehole, chin up lovely, have you tried beta blockers?

I think you need a little extra help at the moment, have you got someone to look in on you while your children are away? A friend or family member?

You need to plan some nice things to do while they are on their trip, a nice lunch, or a spa day, something just for you. I wanna give you a hug , take care, x

Green I'm so sweetheart that you are struggling all round at the moment. I know it's really upsetting when you think you are being ignored or controlled regarding communication from him especially when it concerns the children. Try and control as much of it as you can, the children mainly live with you so it stands to reason that you should dictate a lot of it.

Can you try and limit communication, for example email him on Sunday telling him anything that he needs to know, asking him anything you need to know, tell him anything he needs and that he should get back to you by Tuesday. Then you have the rest of the week when you don't have that stress. I know there will still be some things that crop up from time to time but it might help. If he doesn't bother getting back to you by your deadline then just do what you think best.

Good that you now know what your treatment plan is.

Just read back through the thread and see how positive you were not so long ago. You are having a down phase and yes I know it feels like you won't get out of it sometimes but you will. You are so much stronger than you realise. x