HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

morning ladies -

iwas /izzie - thanks for kind words - i felt ok this morning when got up but just had another blub - just had to sign my divorce form - seeing DHs signature set me off - i never wanted this & only yesterday was saying we should attend some counselling for the kids sake and then read this article last night

www.dailymail.co.uk/home/you/article-2970736/Conscious-uncoupling-Gwyneth-Chris-having-laugh.html

i thought Id done with the crying - well I guess this is the final hurdle but then there is the home straight to get through and then comes the wind down after the race - so although you have done fantastically well i think feeling sad is still pretty ok - in my mind just shows how much you cared despite everything.

good day everyonex

Morning everyone! Thanks for all your Birthday wishes. Had a quiet day (fell asleep in the afternoon as not sleeping that well atm) Then went to the gym in the evening. Unbeknownst to me DD1 had contacted the gym teacher who I'm friends with on f/b who then mentioned my birthday several times during the class and made me work extra hard - ha! I could cope, being the oldest there and all that - showed the young ones how burpee tuck jumps should be done!!!

Came home, poured a large glass of wine to have with chili, brother phoned, drank the wine, so had to pour another glass with reheated chili. Then a text from a friend asking me out for lunch next week - her treat!

Spending today waiting to see if we are having a mediation meeting this week or not, as stbx has obviously not got back to them. No doubt to be put off yet again!

Btw I read somewhere that the Absolute gets sorted after the finance agreement is dealt with.

On my desktop I have 3 links - F off song, dickhead song, and One Direction parody of Story of my Life - hilarious, especially if you have DC who like 1D!

Re: Absolute - it is best if the financials are sorted before Absolute, but there's no rule to say it has to be that way. As it stands, STBXH can't apply for it, nor I, until after the Financial Hearing by court order given at the FDA. Just hoping I can get it next time I'm in court but I suspect there will be some reason why I can't...

So, after an email to the mediation sol I now have confirmation that after they phoned him today (as he had not previously responded), he has now graciously agreed to attend our session on Thursday.

Anyone care to place bets as to if he will bring the required financial info? My guess is that he will bring the basics that require no effort, but not the one thing I have requested. Will this be a waste of a meeting? We will see!

bobs can you not ask mediator to get info before you turn up - if you are unable to make a decision without this info - there is no point having the meetup without this. my mediator actually suggested this and I had said I wasn't attending without it - if its a case that he more or less knows your situation as mine did there is no point in it going ahead and I assume you still have to pay

&green* I already mentioned this but was told that it's all voluntary! Just as I have the choice to end the meeting if I don't feel it's going anywhere, or the mediator will stop proceedings if she thinks one side doesn't really intend it to go anywhere.

As it is we both know what the other has roughly as we exchanged finance stuff a year ago and it just needs updating and reasonable needs forms filling. There is just one item of info I am interested in from him.

However it is time wasting as we are supposed to exchange details before the meeting so we can address any questions at the meeting. I am only agreeing to the meeting as otherwise would be waiting months.

As others will attest, even when it becomes compulsory they still don't play ball if they are not of a mind to

What is wrong with these wankers? They wanted out but they still behave as if they are the victims. Poor them they can't get all the paperwork together blah blah blah any bloody excuse to waste our time.

My stbxh thinks he's above the bloody law and can do anything he likes and unfortunately so far he has got away with everything.

Apologies for rant but had yet another solicitors appointment cancelled and still not prepared for court.

Also had to go to the Job Centre and explain why I need the benefits I'm on otherwise they could take them away. The lady was actually nice to me but I felt absolutely humiliated.

Plus divorce papers to sign..and the twat dated his on our daughters birthday. Shed lots of tears for the utter betrayal and total lie that I have been living for years.

Just another f ing day in Twatville.

Just had to get that off my chest first....anyway...

green...signing the divorce forms...you never wanted it....I understand your hurt and just looking at the words had me in tears. I could visualise just how quickly he signed them and the thought that he didn't put into it.
As for the dog issue...I wouldn't worry too much about it. It's just a coping mechanism and a temporary distraction to the main cause of upset (i.e. him).

bobs...so what is a 'burpee tuck jump'? And should it be put down as your party trick?

iwas...His break with the children must be hard. You have done so well in coping with all his crap and it's up to him to rectify his relationship with them.

WWK...keep strong ...not long to go now. You'll be the first one to the other side.

paddling...crying over a man who doesn't care...give yourself a break...it's ok to cry...you're doing brilliantly...unfortunately we've all probably got a lot more tears to go.

izzie...You are one strong lady and you can do anything...including fitting the protector. Glad you liked the song.

I think we're all mourning the family life that we had/or we thought we had (in my case) and we would never have chosen to be divorced single mums.

xx

WhyMe/Green It still shocks me when I see our names on the court papers, and hearing 'the case of WWK v. Snowey Whitey' when we are actually in the court. I never imagined it would come to this - nor what a complete and utter bastard I am married to. So yes, it'll be a relief when it's over but I'm pretty anxious now! I think the point someone made that it's okay for us all to mourn a man who doesn't exist, but also despair at the appalling way some of these men are behaving. It's a very conflicting time as we move from 'loyalty' to 'rivalry' and it takes time to get your head around it all.

BUT There is no shame in going to the benefits office and getting support there. I feel really strongly about this. He ran away, not you! This was not your decision - it was his. You're just doing the best you can to look after your children in the absence of him being a responsible adult.

looks like the game is steeping up a gear - funny how this happens just as we start court process- sent me an email with my payslip this morning, gave kids calpol as had vaccines and saying spoke to kids last night about OW kids wanting to meet him & did they want to meet her - they have said no! Did we not discuss that you would discuss this with me first at mediation - did you have to do this just as kids go off on school trip so they will be thinking about this instead of getting a bit of boost from being with their friends and not thinking about this. Do you ever put the kids before yourself you f**king twunt!

this is the reply he sent me "I talked to them about it at the first opportunity rather than keeping it from them for which I’ve been criticised in the past. They don’t want to meet her and that’s fine. If they did I would have talked with you before making any arrangements."

i get it this is all part of twunts game of fuckwittery - see how its turned around so that hes told them to prevent being criticised - what a child! first opportunity - what a joke - what a sad excuse for a parent!

just get on & marry her, move in with her & her kids & ditch your own - that way we can move on & get on with our own lives rather than having to dance when you say dance!

oh green so sorry he's being an absolute prat.
They say one thing and do another with regard to the OW. You're right he's not putting his kids first and a caring parent would. You are the caring parent and we can all see from your posts that your kids are lucky to have such an understanding mum.

As for his reply...he's not taking responsiblity. My stbxh and your appear to be reading the same script.

If these men are so happy with their new lives why do they continually muck around with ours. It's all about control. As we get stronger their control weakens and they get nastier. Sad really.

In an ideal world they would just go away. We can only hope. In the meantime keep holding on.

WWK...you're right it does take time to get your head round it. You keep trying to rationalise a situation you have no control over. It's like trying to put the breaks on when someone has greased your rollercoaster.

Morning everyone. Was up at crack of (before) dawn to take DD2 to train station for her field trip to London so went back to bed. Lazy day today. Oddly the knot has disappeared from my stomach - think it's because the meeting is definitely planned and it might possibly be a step forward in sorting things (yeah and pigs might fly too but I'm being optimistic!!!)

So whyme - a burpee tuck jump...squat down with hands flat on ground, spring out into a plank position, spring back into a squat, then leap up into the air into a tuck jump. Repeat 6 times, continue with routine and do again twice more - fun! I wear one of those monitors and that's what takes it to 100% - makes me happy

green yes he's being a prat in his timing - totally thoughtless and doing it because the OW is doing it, not because it's "first opportunity". Is OW divorced? Interesting that her DC are happy to meet him (if she was married they could actually be rather reticent and he's not telling you that). Or perhaps her other marriage was crap and they think she's met someone better? I'm sure your DC will still have a great trip. can you tell up where they're going?

whyme yes they do think they're above the law - and why is paperwork so difficult for them (I know the answer really - they're used to having others do it for them/simply cba). Putting your DD's birthday date on was utter twatishness and nastiness. Get all that you are entitled to - I was straight onto child tax credits (NHS exemption card was icing on the cake!) and uni grant (non repayable) for DD1. I had to ask for Child maintenace 3 times from stbx and he only started paying after I threatened CMS. Are you going to court?

Yes we do all get stronger - strong enough to laugh at their nastiness

WWK we're all rooting for you and will be all be with you in spirit when Mr SW gets his come-uppance....can't wait.

Okay, so a little extreme, but for when you're really pissed off..

bobs you have made me laugh & cry at the same time - where are you getting these songs from -:-) im gonna make myself a playlist - such a dainty sounding song but the words!

i spoke to my counsellor yesterday about being able to "see" things that aren't there and she told me that some people can- she knew straight away what i was getting at with the dog & dd! its clicked too why DH wasnt bothered about DD's clothes for trip - this is payback for her snubbing him on VDAY!

is this a change of tactic cos the financials are now out of his control - what about reassuring the kids that they are not going to have to change schools and that you are going to continue to pay for this or is OW angling for you to pay for her kids to go to private school instead - what about the kids home - what have you talked about on this - still nothing - thought so! perhaps you want a second chance to play happy families cos you've screwed up the first one - good luck! hope her kids are perfect in your eyes! what have you bribed them with - trip to Disney? that you said you'd take your own kids too but never got round to it - her kids are that bit younger so they are still at the age where they can be manipulated - unlike your own who are sadly getting the real picture! TWUNT! what you forget is kids are for life not just for christmas but the way you're going you're not even going to have them at christmas - so Id get the wallet out if i were you!

Haha the song was posted by my step-daughter - not quite sure to whom she was referring but quite apt!!!

Yes the OW's kids will be a lot more malleable if they are younger and will follow their mum's lead, whereas yours are teenagers and are more capable of independent thought.

My guess is your stbx, like a lot of men, will be anything for an easy life. If you are at mediation, the finances are still in his control to an extent. If going to court, not so much. Not quite sure how it works in this situation - presumably OW's XH has to pay child maintenance but not spousal, and your XH has to pay both I guess so hardest on him poor lamb!

I really feel for you but you will get through this - one shitty day at a time and eventually you will regain your life for yourself and the DC - with it being up to them if they want anything to do with their DAD. Stay strong

thanks bobs - i am trying something out here - seeing if I can look at this from another perspective with a view to "freeing" myself from this situation.

we have all got that what our DHs are doing is not about us but due to a "fault" in them. We now need to reprogramme our brains a bit more to think differently about this too - we are all questioning their happiness based on our own perspective - we now have to look at it from theirs. It doesn't matter whether we agree with it but we have to tell ourselves that they are happy in their choices and this is because we are all caring ladies and as such would "want" anyone we cared about to be happy - by acknowledging this this allows us to detach and move on and find our own happiness. Each time something happens that is not to our liking we have to acknowledge this to ourselves and know that WE would have dealt with it differently because that is our choice (because we are better parents -ha) but at the same time tell ourselves that they are happy and that this is their choice. It is of no significance if they are or not but if we tell ourselves that they are and we would "want" them to be each time we get hurt frustrated etc then this is a step towards allowing our own happiness to develop and "release" some of the emotional control they have over us.

Its a case of "tricking" our brains to think differently now which will hopefully speed up this process! Does this make any sense? Im going to see if i can put it into practice!

KOKOXX

Poor STBXH says he can't possibly get another job after making himself unemployed two days before he completed the work of fiction that is his form E because he is so distracted by the divorce. Diddums. I wonder how he thinks I managed to keep my job and not only with the distraction of divorce but also when my heart was breaking because he was having an affair. I don't think the judge will be too impressed with that excuse.

Tabby They are all TWUNTS - we know that! and we are SUPERWOMEN!

So...what is poor little diddums going to live on for the next 3 months Tabbie? Obviously his work of fiction was too much for his little brain to cope with

Out of interest, you say he had 3 court orders to produce his shit finances? What happens if he still doesn't produce it?

they needed a new "victim" that will adore them, flatter their ego, boost their flagging image of themselves because they are weak and cannot manage on their own - if they look deep enough at themselves they will see their true reflection but they are too scared to do this and it helps them having someone who tells them how "wonderful" mealticket they are but this all goes under the guise of being "happy" - they have no idea because "happy" people do not behave like TWUNTS!