HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

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I scrap what I said about being able to help him!

Morning. Green, I agree that you can't change them but it takes a lot of effort on your (my/next person's) part to accept that. It really does feel like a 'never ending cycle' of control. You can't "win" on any decisions. The trick is to be factual regarding decisions, e.g. The kids are having their injections on X date. Let me know if you have any objections by X time (set a reasonable time limit - not an immediate answer one). It's managing a bully by setting a firm boundary that as a parent, they answer to the resident parent! If he ignores the boundary, you ignore the response.

If anything, I bet it's because the bulk of the children's decisions came down to you, so he doesn't actually know what his opinion is!

Yes, Paddling STBXH was a shouty, bully to his first wife, but I only met him after they split so naively believed "Oh, well, that's divorce"...and not "Oh, shit, this would be marriage!" I have the rest of my life to live in a peaceful at home. Does anyone want my cats? I can 'see' you're having a real, and normal, dip. The 'ghostlike existence' is such an apt description about how it feels in the early stages. Just forgotten about, a nuisance, valueless. BUT, it doesn't last forever - it's really important to just find a few things to do, just to force yourself to do something different beyond the usual routines. That's why I got myself away again last week because I was slipping back there. KOKO.

Izzie once you've done up your place, and judge-willing, will you come and show me how to do mine? You seem more industrious again this week, and less down, so keep up with whatever you're doing (which actually sounds like setting boundaries...)

Hobbit I'm pretty sure your mum would be so cross with HIM for letting his dick get the better of him. Remember, feeling down and despairing is okay given this isn't the end of a two week summer romance you're having problems coming to terms with! Can you wing some of those beta blockers my way...I've a feeling I'm going to need them this week!

Iwas that's sad to read they are getting on and making plans, but yes, I can imagine just how hard you're going to find that - it's the 'new normal' but it's so strange (and hard) at first, it just feels all wrong. And it does feel like you're being punished. However, just because you're not there, you don't know how much of a 'good time' they are having, and Sid will 'fake it til he makes it too' so just presume the kids are giving him a hard time...and he hasn't got you to 'smoothe' things over for him these days!

Tabby you've so got your head switched on in enjoying the 'lulls' between proceedings. Keep going. I don't hold out much hope about yours disclosing anything before the FH but I'm sceptical. My STBXH is still refusing...and we're part heard!

Happy belated birthday Bobs.

Morning all and hi Tabby. How can these pricks wonderful upstanding paragons of humanity get away with such fuckwittery? (meaning lack of disclosure). Is this what I have to come?

Not belated, WWK - it's today! Celebrating more at the end of the week when DD1 comes home from uni

It's amazing how we fall in love with someone and totally believe their reasons why their first marriage didn't work (and why they don't see the offspring of said marriage) Stupid us

I don't think my stbx is "moving on and making plans" I don't think he has any - despite telling mediator that he might go work abroad. He will stay put and continue what he does best - try to control through no contact and no input into anything. Doing anything else would be way too much effort for him.

Yes I miss my Mum too. I didn't want to get divorced while she was still alive, so now have the problem of stbx wanting a share of my inheritance, which i haven't even received yet. This despite the fact he has enough for his reasonable needs from his job, plus his pension - tosser!!!!

Don't feel like doing anything today, other than going to the gym tonight. so watching f/b to see how many friends wish me Happy birthday (very sad).

Will also check accommodation for DD2's uni choice as she has to pick sometime this month. At least she has accepted an unconditional offer so the pressure's off a bit for her

I've posted this before but just in case you other girls haven't heard it...

bobs...Happy Birthday. I hope you have a peaceful day.
I actually share my birthday with the stbxh so this year I've decided to have it on a different day.

green...you can't win with these twats. I keep trying to think there's a reasonable human being in there somewhere but there isn't. WWK is right about sending them a email and requesting a response by a certain time. Mine still didn't comply to this but at least you have a record of you trying to be a responsible/reasonable parent. I don't think we are ever going to be able to 'co-parent' (!) with these people because they need to grow up themselves.

iwas...you're right it's always the twat first,then OW, then kids (if they're lucky) and you and I don't figure on their radar because we have been erased from the picture.

I've had my legal aid claim declined last week so we're having to appeal and I've got court next week so exceptionally stressed. Especially when my conunsellors are saying that they are concerned about his behaviour regarding the children but there's not a lot I can do. Trying to KOKO. xx

bobs hope you have a nice day today - lol on fb - I am feeling drained right now - just waiting for shop & im going back to bed

well & why - i tried the reply by date - he ignored it - so then sent another email saying taking your lack of reply as deliberate & obstructive - funny - got a reply then. I keep hoping something is going to slap him in the face and a reasonable adult may appear but it seems not - we have now switched from financial to kids and the control is appearing in all aspects - i have noticed though how all his focus seems to be on DS since DD has questioned him on several things!

tabby glad you are doing ok

ladies - i need some of your wise insightfulness - Ive worked out what is going on with DD - on outside she appears to be coping - she has hardly cried over DH- infact neither kids have - but for her its dogs! we have a dog
as you know & he is slightly overweight & getting on a bit - he is 8 today!she has made him a birthday cake & we have banners to put up - she has also devised a walking & food chart that has to be filled out everyday- if for some reason he is not walked or fed within the requirements she gets v stroppy - she has said if we stick to the rota he will not die early. This is some transference of her feelings for DH and when the dog dies this is when it is all going to come out - so she is trying to do everything she can to make sure the dog doesnt die! ie by feeding him less & more walks. She has become even more attached to him than she already was - Any insight as to how I deal with this because one day the dog is going to die!

Green the trick is for there to be a consequence if there is no reply, this is key. You don't follow up for asking for more info, as it's not your job to beg for a response nor manage his ineptitude. The only thing you need to do is ensure you can prove that you've invited his opinion and he's failed to deliver it.

They learn that either they respond within a reasonable time, or you make a unilateral decision, irrespective of their feelings about it. Does that make sense?

E.g. What do you think about the kids' injections? - This is an open question so should be avoided.

v.

I'm about to sign the forms for the kids' injections. If you have any objections, can you let me know by Thursday? If I don't hear from you, I'll assume you agree with my decision.

Can you see the difference? Emails must be short, you don't ever justify your decisions/thought process, but you invite them to submit theirs. If they don't, they don't. You are an adult, you can make the decision for yourself, and your children, just as capably. In fact, it's making decisions that gives you your self-esteem back (even though sometimes they are scary to make on your own!).

You're the parent who stayed. You're the parent who parents. If he wants to be involved he should get involved, but the onus is on him, not you to be the parent. You're already parenting!

Well said WWK and well put

Re the dog - he is 8. what breed is he and how long is his average life span? Hopefully he has a few more years in him so in the short term how DD feels about him is not a problem. when he does eventually die hopefully DD will have come to terms with her Dad leaving.

I actually see it as a control thing in that she feels she has lost it a bit in her DAD leaving, but CAN do something about the dog. I see it as a good thing for her to focus on, as long as she doesn't get too obsessed.

hi well the thing is he came back and i said too late ive done it - he then wants to know what ive done & doesnt agree so wants to contact the school to change it - so i said fine go ahead - this has now happened with the psychologist with DS - didnt reply i went ahead on own and now has said he will sort out another one. there is probably more along these lines too just cant think of it right now. but yes its control - its procrastination first then wants control back after I have made a decision.

yes bobs i agree it is a control thing but it suddenly came to me today that maybe she is a bit obsessed - she got stroppy with me yesterday as hadnt printed off the "rota" and recently when out on a walk started crying as hadnt walked him for as long as she had decided - you know its you notice things going on- dont pay much attention to them and then suddenly think I can see what may be happening here - not sure if its helping or not helping that I am doing this course at the same time. but its the same with films she doesnt cry over people but anything with a dog gets her.

at one time she would have been doing all these little things for DH - she idolised him - she blanked him valentines day - she did a bit for his birthday but she has gone overboard on the dog both now & at xmas

it was also DH who organised the dog - he is the dog person but he chose somewhere to live that couldn't take dogs so he has left the dog behind - every other w/e she leaves the dog behind too - how the hell do you work out what is going on in their heads when they think they are fine - we all think we are fine - it is often others that notice it in us way before we do

paddling - thats exactly what it is - family life for me too - and yes you are right on the happy principle - and I think in my case OW def thinks she has won first prize - time will tell!

he then wants to know what ive done & doesnt agree so wants to contact the school to change it - so i said fine go ahead

Perfect. And then you did it again - perfect. Yes, they are going to get horribly abusive about it (remember the night of 17 emails...) Sometimes you have to really brazen it out (I never did read a single email of that night!) He also went to the estate agents directly (property in my name only) and sent them a decree. They just wrote to me and said 'what do we do?' and I wrote back - delete the email! I'm still waiting for him to 'take me to court...'

Set your office hours, then read them then, if there's no reason to respond (he already knows your decision, he failed to respond in time, the decision got enacted) so there's nothing there to respond to. Remember you're not on trial (yet!) but even if you are: he's not judge, jury nor executioner.

As for your daughter - she's suffering horribly the immediate effects of divorce (and that's not you failing as a parent, it really is what happens when a home changes radically). It truly is a tragedy for everyone so at the moment she's showing it by worrying excessively about your dog. After all, she can't control her parents and she won't want to take sides, but that leaves her in a dilemma. She needs to express her anxiety as much as you do, I do, the next poster does, but it's so hard to find the words 'Shit this is hard' (we all keep reminding each other of that!) so imagine saying it when you're so much younger!

My advice is try not to worry about the dog dying tomorrow (remember worst-case scenarioing is what we all do in divorce) but focus her attention positively on looking after the dog, but that means her doing the rota, printing it out, walking as well as you, not just telling you what to do...The dog as a comfort is her coping mechanism right now but not timing your walks with the dog! That's going too far, and you being you, will entertain it because you just want the best for her. So harness that zeal for the dog by making her 'top dog looker-afterer'.

Bobs Happy Actual Birthday!

Paddling I don't think he'll change, no. If you fundamentally believe it's okay to treat people badly, then you won't know you're treating people badly, you'll just think you're being the smartest person in the room, and you won't care if people disagree with you.

Paddling I totally understand about the loss of family life. What upsets me is that my kids, all of our kids, deserved to have a happy family. My 19 year old son, family life was always so important to him. Whenever we used to ask him what was the best thing about our holiday, Xmas etc, as a kid he would always say being together as a family. I could cry for him. I do if I think about it. I try to block it out.

Green as other have said, let DD be the main dog carer, but gently persuade her that a few minutes difference on the walk will. to make a difference. In other words, don't let her get OCD about it.

I've been in contact with the ex tonight about various house stuff, and brought up the subject of DS2's phone cover. He said he hasn't forgotten but work is manic. Yes it probably is, I lived with it long enough, it was the original and enduring OW in our marriage. It was probably the real killer blow over many years if truth be told. Anyway, I've explained the work situation to DS2. The stupid thing is, when he texted his dad yesterday about helping me, his dad came back with a text saying things like this is what happens when people separate, and that if he wants to talk, blah blah blah. As usual missing the bloody point that the text was about HIM HELPING ME and not me getting arsey with the kids. Twat! Just thought of the irony that it's all about them usually. The proviso must be it's not about them if there is any criticism, implied or otherwise. Anyway, DS2 went back to him saying no he didn't want to talk, he wanted him to get his finger out and help me.

Well, so much for a better life for him. Working even longer than usual, never seeing his kids, seeing his old home getting transformed by his ex. I get loopy drawers is loving life as it really is with him. No more quality time now she's got him. Just his shirts to iron. Me smug? Too bloody right!!

I reminded him that Sherlock Holmes is on TV tonight at 9. He said he will have to watch it on iplayer, no time. Yes, as I'm writing this at 9.15, in my old life, I wouldn't have eaten dinner yet.....

WWK you sound good. ESP in the circumstances. Thinking of you

Well legal aid, what a blow!

bobs happy birthday still! I think we should nominate you to do synopses of each poster, as you have at home, and post them at the start of the next thread. I'm definitely needing reminders, which is why I don't ever "speak" to certain posters.......

Ta da!! After 6 months I have finally got the workbench out of the kitchen.

I'm asking myself, if I've done all these things re DIY, why can't I just fit a screen protector on a phone??

Izzie why can't you just fit a screen protector on a phone? I too am flummoxed by this. Mind you, I have no idea what a screen protector is so have no idea as to how best ridicule you about this very interesting fact.

I am having an odd day. The cat was leaping all over my head at 7:30 this morning, even though I think I dropped off around 5:30, even though nothing has happened to cause my sleep disorder to resurrect itself! So I blitzed the house as the landlady wants to do a house inspection tomorrow and then I sat down in the office and have done a sum total of no work. Then I went shopping and burst into tears. Then I came home again.

I think I'm in denial/uber procrastination phase because seriously, in two weeks this is over and I could be signing on at the job centre, and homeless, and living in a cardboard box. Shit.

Alternatively, I could be given SM, allowed to move to my new 'home town' and have the funds to do so, as well as pay off my hideous legal fees.

Alternatively the fuckwit might decide to accept my latest offer.

And pigs will learn to fly.

Hobbit sorry about your mum too. Yes I could have done with my mum's support too - there's nothing quite like a hug from your mum.

Not far off twenty years since I lost mine too, she died before I got pregnant with my daughter which still saddens me now. My son was too young to remember her so they didn't know either of my parents.

I am sorry to hear about your father too, history repeating itself in the worst possible way. Your ex is not getting the better of you, you are doing great. I bet you don't miss all that lycra! Take care x

Tabby I hope it goes okay, it will be done with before you know it. Pleased your ex is being nice enough at the moment and thank you for saying that you stopped caring about him cheating after a long while.

Green thank you, I do feel I am making a bit of progress. I feel a bit more like myself again, before I just felt like everything was happening around me and I was on autopilot.

Good luck with the treatment news on Thursday. A friend of mine had radiotherapy and it really wasn't too bad.

I think you would make a good counsellor too, you post very articulately on here with very insightful thoughts and you sound kind and caring too.

WWK gives very good advice about how to deal with your ex on communications. This is what I am doing and if you object let me know by such and such day or that is what I will do. I know it is difficult if it involved the children but I think there is little doubt that you are in a far better position than your ex to make the best judgement call regarding them. Look after yourself.

WWK for you.....
www.youtube.com/watch?v=V0nt3yqbgqk

Because I will make a pig's ear of it. I could probably do it though. Oh shut up

Oh bless you, I feel for you.

But I'm not, under any circumstances adopting that cat. Leaping all around my head, I don't think so! A cat would be extremely lucky to get onto my lap, I'm actually very wary of them.

I'm now going to watch/ listen to the song you posted

WWK excuse my ignorance here but will the absolute happen at the same time? I'm just thinking you will be getting nearer to having an izzietini.....

The song, very good and very apt

Izzie - thanks for the explanation. Yep, I will not be ridiculing you on your reticence to fit a screen protector. I had it in my head it was some rubberised cover thing largely phone shaped (like a mobile phone shaped condom!).

I have just spent ten minutes trying to work out what song you were going on about. I think you mean WhyMe's 'Dickhead' song - another absolutely fabulous video - WhyMe selected that as the opening credits of the film that we are not making about my life!

Not sure about Absolute coming on the day. The usual practice is 'no' but sometimes there are grounds for 'yes'. I haven't actually gotten around to asking about it yet...rest assured I will be applying as fast as possible although I think I'll be sad when the 'certificate of survival' comes through.

WWK oh the song. Yes, all these Whys and Wells. All too much for me!

Oh it's very sad to think that you will be sad when the divorce goes through. I suppose it's a time to reflect on the past, rather than focussing on all the financial stuff. I'm just soo not upset at the moment. And I really don't want to go back to that. I know I will, though. Bugger

WWK it is hard that they are making plans in some ways. My son is only going for his sister's sake as he wants to see her and he thinks his dad will be in her ear otherwise about OW and how sorry he is etc. You are so right that it does feel wrong and that I am being punished. I know my son will give him a hard time if necessary. Thank you.

Happy Birthday Bobs hope you have enjoyed your day. You had a load of nonsense about why your ex's first marriage ended too. My ex didn't mention that his first wife divorced him for adultery, I only found out a few months ago and even then it wasn't him that told me! He never once mentioned it in 25 years of marriage!

Sorry about your mum, I can't believe your ex thinks he should get a share of the inheritance, tosser is right.

WhyMe you will be like the Queen and have two Birthdays. It does feel like you have been erased sometimes doesn't it. Sorry about your legal aid claim, I hope you are successful in your appeal. I hope your stress levels improve. xx

Green Happy Birthday to your dog too. I would have said something along the lines of what Bob has posted re your daughter and the dog. Hopefully it won't be an issue yet and she will be older and hopefully in a better place to deal with what her dad has done. I agree that it is an area of her life that she feels able to control and that is why she has attached so much importance to it. Take care x