HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

Cheers Izzie will watch (again) with I've started celebrating early. My stbx and I have not exchanged one email or text for over a year - how's about that for detachment!!! Oh - except that he sent a text saying Happy Birthday last year - wonder if he'll do the same tomorrow

Well done bobs!!!!

And have a great birthday tomorrow

Happy St David's Day, Hobbit and all of us honorary Welshies

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6TXz_shw_M

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQd_9ew9ZuM

hi all

just been catching up on thread - you know I want to say I'm astounded at these men but actually I'm not sure I am anymore -- but hobbit that is truely appalling - these twunts are showing the extent to which they will go to by accusing us of trying to use their own dirty tricks. What's even more astounding is that OWs are supporting them in this - im not sure where that puts them but I can tell you I would never ever contemplate getting involved with someone that could behave so appallingly. If they can behave like this to us they are capable of doing the same all over again and after speaking to WA it seems that they will use any tactic they can to come out of this as the innocent party - they had heard it all before. What I dont get is how come this is being allowed to continue - I am new to all this but its obviously been going on for years - how many women on MN have been subject to this - surely there must be enough of us to have a voice.

I have been on my course today which has been quite emotional as we were talking about loss but i am also feeling as if it has helped. I am having someone basically reinforce everything I have been doing over the past year and the constant questioning of everything - seems others are doing this too. I actually feel ok right now but how long it will last - who knows?

Izzie - i am totally with you on having to deal with it all - and I did think to myself this morning I must stop telling myself I am not coping - you lot are right about being hard on myself. I am coping - I have sorted out a ceiling which had been left with a hole for 8 years I have now got a plumber, electrician and gardener I can call on - I am making steps all be it small steps.
iwas your comment drifting & izzie run off together made me laugh - i need to check your thread out & I need to do the reckoner of who's who too!
paddling - you know what I don't care about where I cry anymore - if anyone wants to judge me let them - anyone who has been through this wouldn't - and yes I feel like I am the children's nanny! I just hang onto the fact that one day they will know I have always been there!

why - i feel your pain - we have done nothing wrong to have to face "sharing our kids" with some stranger - really why should we have to consider doing this - they don't include this as part of our preparation for motherhood- and is this really for the kids benefit - but we will do it because we will sacrifice everything (unlike the twunts) for the sake of our kids happiness - your DD is young and you will ALWAYS BE HER MUM! and you only ever have one of these!

family are you ok & tabby? & drifting - i think we are all getting a little worried about you-

bobs - 1 year no contact - mixed feelings on that- great that you have done it but it is sad - sad that this is how our relationships are going to end up - mine too- what sort of parent wants their kids to have this message? - it is the kids that suffer the greatest damage. Happy Bday for tomorrow

I am going to be doing more navel gazing i think this week - i have a decision to make and some issues i want to explore- hopefully I am cried out for the moment

KOKO everyone - we are all doing the best we can!XX

this has just made me laugh - I was told by twunt I am passive-aggressive - reading this is it definitely not me who is PA

www.care2.com/greenliving/12-signs-youre-too-passive-aggressive.html

I think my posts here show I am capable of speaking the truth openly and honestly, I don't appear to be agreeable when I am angry - I show my anger - afraid of being alone and dependant - no not me haven't jumped straight into bed with someone else! complain that others treat you unfairly - I do this -yes you! procrastination on things I do for others - nope!, unwilling to give a straight answer - nope I call a twunt a twunt! sulking withdrawing & pouting -lots of pouting on twittwoo! frequently feeling inadequate "you are shaking in your boots from fear of competition and being found out as less than perfect" ooh yes I know this is you - I know no such thing as perfect! Often late - no not me - you again. dragging your feet to frustrate others - yep - you all the bloody time! making up stories, excuses and lies - have you already read this? and lastly "Constantly protecting yourself so no one will know how afraid you are of being inadequate, imperfect, left, dependent or simply human" - nope not me either I allow myself to be vulnerable cos I know this is a sign of strength not weakness!

for all the twunts in twatville!

Thank you so much Izzie or should I say Diolch yn fawr iawn!
Are you sure you're not in Rhyl with Drifting?
Where are you Drifting? I miss you

Lovely post to Green as well, you're on a roll , missy!

Penblwyd hapus to you Bobsy, have a good one, it will be better than last year I'm sure, have a few glasses with your girls .

diolch i chi hefyd Hobbit

I can promise you I'm not in Rhyl. Mainly because I'm not much of a seaside person. Although I would love to go to well lush Barry Island on the Gavin and Stacey trail.

Drifting we are missing you. Please just let us know how we are. We are a bit worried about you

Meantime.....I've just been on youtube finding out how to install new under cabinet lighting in the kitchen. I will let you know when I'm getting round to doing this. Therefore if I disappear from the thread, you can assume I've electrocuted myself.

mwynhau gweddill eich nosonn

Please just let us know how we are

Oops think I've just given the game away

Bobs Happy Birthday for tomorrow, hope you have a lovely day.

Izzie I see the weekend in Rhyl has brought out the Welsh in you. What have you done with Drifting?

Green pleased you are feeling okay right now, I hope that continues. Good that your course is helping you. You are doing really well and I'm impressed that you've now got a plumber, electrician and gardener you can call on.

Izzie I know you are a bright spark but please don't electrocute yourself! Drifting would have to go to Rhyl without you

Hello Hobbit hope you and your sons are feeling a bit better today.

Green a lot of insightful posts from you earlier, thank you. You talk a lot of sense.

WhyMe hope you are feeling okay today after a difficult few days.

Izzie hope you get the kitchen finished soon although I struggle to believe that you was swearing earlier. Sorry that you've had words with your son, but as you say it will pass because you care for your children and you are his lovely sweary mum.

Paddling so sorry you're having a rough day. There is no shame in crying with what you have been through, it does help to let it out. As Izzie says his "exciting" life with OW is only that because it is new it won't stay that way.

WWK pleased you enjoyed your tour. Hopefully you are now reunited with your cats. I would miles rather that my dog was sharing my bed that my ex-DH. You are so nearly there just over two weeks. You will be fine, you are strong and have dealt with so much shit. Take care.

Hi iwas, I'm on a roll with the kitchen, feel very pleased. Been putting back the integrated door stuff, which has proved to be really difficult. Not too much more to go now, then all fitted again. I've decided to divert to my bedroom afterwards because I want to varnish the floor over Easter, so need to paint the room first. Then it can stay empty until I decide what to do with the room. So, fear not, I won't be dangerous doing the kitchen lighting for a while yet, that's still at the research stage!

DS2 is fine now, I'm pleased to say.

So how are you? Did you enjoy the weekend with your son? The meal?

I texted the twunt on Thursday asking him to fit the screen protector on DS2's phone. He replied straight away asking if he had bought the screen protector, to which I said yes. And I've not heard from him since. Considering he's had a text from DS2 about his new number, plus the text today, you would think he would remember.....his relationship with him is practically at irretrievable already, so he's skating on very thin ice. Bastard. I think that's why DS2 has been stressed today. Seeing me struggling, knowing that he's asked him for help a number of times, including today, and me cursing the twunt, when he doesn't want to hear about him.....what on earth does he think he's doing? Has he really not sussed how close he is to totally alienating him? It's his son, not his bloody wife!!!

I've told both kids that in future he is not to call round unless I'm in the house. It's four months now, and it's now private property, as it were, as far as I'm concerned. He has right of entry, but not without my permission. Which will be granted of course, but not, as it say, when I'm not in.

Hello Izzie. Is that a kitchen roll then? gets coat You seem to be doing really well with all of that, very impressed. Maybe you could retrain as a kitchen fitter!

Great that your son is okay now.

I am okay at the moment thank you. Bit up and down, okay tonight, got upset when my son went back this afternoon and my daughter was out with her dad. Lovely to see my son, shame the weekend goes so quick. The three of us had a nice meal out last night and my son had told my ex-DH where we were going so there was no chance that he and OW would "accidentally" turn up this time.

My daughter has agreed to go away with her dad next weekend, they will be meeting up with my son too. I am pleased that ex-DH seems to be trying to improve his relationships with the children for the children's sakes but I'm a bit upset that my family will be on holiday without me. It doesn't feel right. Don't get me wrong I don't want to go but how have I ended up in a situation where I have done nothing wrong but they will be having a nice time without me.

It feels like hard work Izzie sometimes this contact lark. As I see it you ask a civil question and you should get a civil response. It doesn't seem to work that way via email/text which is why I would rather do it face to face. It doesn't give him the chance to take ages to get back to me and I don't have to spend time thinking about why he hasn't replied etc. I know it's a lot easier for me seeing him at work, it would obviously be different if I didn't see him regularly.

They don't seem to think or realise the damage they are doing a lot of the time. It is so much harder when it affects the children or involves them directly. I think I've said before that they cause the problem and we clean up the mess.

I think you are doing the right thing regarding him coming into the house. He no longer lives there so he doesn't have the right to come and go as he pleases.

It's a Swiss roll also gets coat

I'm glad you had a good weekend, and that your son ensured he wouldn't be at the same restaurant.

And yes, I entirely understand about the holiday.

I understand what you mean about face to face contact etc. I think I'm at the stage where I don't want to talk to him anyway, so he can't read any expression into a text. Suits me fine. I don't want him to know what I'm thinking. I was a bit peeved that DS2 let on that I was swearing het up about whatever the twunt thinks I was doing today, anyway, although of course I haven't told DS2 that. They both know not to say anything to him about me. I think DS2 was just letting off steam himself.

Yes re the house. Not only has he abandoned his home, he appears to have abandoned his sons who live there. Oh I know he's busy and all that, however they are his sons. In a way I can't believe he has really forgotten his obligations to them. It's his work as usual. And no doubt the demands of that thing. However, surely in a quiet moment he must reflect on the fact that he doesn't really see them now. That was never his intention when he went. However, maybe he may care to remember one of the "vile" texts I sent him when I said he would have "sporadic contact" with his sons. Or does texting them instead of seeing them count as contact?? You know what, when push comes to shove, I would say that I am the weakest link out of the three of us. I am more likely to forgive him and welcome him back. And that's not on the cards. My sons have nothing to gain by having him back except uncertainty.

There was an active thread that came up before called "Opinions on Sid" good job I realised it was about baby names before I said what I thought!

That last paragraph, I am most definitely not excusing him. He may be snowed under with work. However, .........oh it just makes me sick, and I can't be bothered to put it all into words. It's bloody obvious to all of us in this situation.

It's bloody sick. My parents would be utterly disgusted with him. The rest of my family aren't too impressed either. No way would my younger brother abandon his daughters if he split from his wife. And my other brother and his wife, well, having children just wasn't meant to be for them. You can only imagine how they must feel about his treatment of their nephews.

It's true, isn't it, just how far will they go, how low do they get

Sid, haha, he's still a big name around these parts of course. A legend in his own "lunchbox"

It's good that you are at the stage where you don't really want to talk too much to him. I think I am getting there too on that score. I have no interest in having general chat with him, but I do miss having him there for me and I miss listening to him sometimes as he was always interesting to talk to. I hate feeling miserable and I don't like feeling pleased if I feel "okay." I miss feeling happy and laughing and as much as I hate what he has done he was a big part of that.

I took the advice on my thread and asked my daughter not to tell her dad how I am feeling anymore. I don't need him knowing if I am upset, it doesn't achieve anything. He can't put it right. I am sure your son was letting off steam. I find my daughter hard work quite often. She was at that age anyway where it was hard and obviously what has happened has just made it worse. EVERYTHING is a drama, she's opinionated (takes after her dad) and I don't feel like dealing with strops and sulks sometimes. But, her dad doing this has blown her world apart and it's bloody hard for her trying to reconcile her feelings for him especially at an age when there is a lot to deal with anyway.

Maybe having contact with your sons makes your ex see how much damage he has done so it's easier not to face up to it. The dynamics of the relationship are just different. He will always be the children's father even if their relationship is different but our relationship with the ex changes totally from wife to ex. It is possible for the children to have a similar relationship with their dad but ours changes utterly and completely. You are doing so well. x

I know what you meant. The children should always come first, should always be the most important thing in their life but it doesn't always seem that way. My ex-DH seems to be trying at the moment but before it seemed like his priorities was him, OW, children, business, me.

Yes you do wonder how low they will go sometimes but selfishness seems to be at their core. My mum thought my ex-DH was wonderful, part of me is quite relieved that she's no longer around to see the carnage as it would have really upset her although I've missed her like mad these last few months especially.

Yeah Sid the stud being able to pull all these sad women and then bragging about it. I think I'm better off out of it really!

Oh iwas, you've got me reminiscing about my mum now, God I could have done with her support through all of this shit.
She didn't particularly like my stbxh, but then she didn't think anyone was good enough for her "special" one!

I am the youngest of four, so as the baby, I was spoiled rotten

She was fiercely protective and proud of me, I can only imagine the shitstorm she would have rained down on him for hurting me and my boys.

Unfortunately it is nearly twenty years since I lost her to complications from breast cancer, two weeks after my youngest son was born, I think she waited to see him safely into the world.

I miss her every day still, as do my brothers and sister, she was our rock, my father left for another woman when I was four.

I've got to keep KOKOing , she would be so cross with me for letting this fool get the better of me. Lots of love, x

Thanks for thinking of me I'm still reading and lurking. I have a date for my FH and its not for another three months. Who knows we may not even get that far if STBXH gets his arse in gear and actually provides a few bank statements or payslips. Probably unlike most of you I do have friendly chats with him but only because it seem to stop him from trying to alienate DS from me and I only do it when he is in one of his nice phases. Nasty phase will probably start again a couple of weeks before the FH.

iwas izzie hobbit - i miss being able to join in your chat - you are all expressing exactly what I feel re kids- DH also had a really close relationship with my DF but he has lost all respect for him too.

iwas i can see your humour coming through in almost every post and I think this is fairly new for you so you are going in the right direction!
I felt pretty "calm" last night - I have lost it again this morning all over breaking a cup - I find out about my treatment on thurs- & getting kids sorted for school trip so all understandable.

yesterday's course has been mulling over in my mind - it takes 2 years to get over the loss of someone close to you - DH started with OW just after the death of his DM - he was really close to her - we havent got to 2 year mark - we talked about how people go into self destruct mode and jeopardise what they have before it is taken from them - all out of fear - I firmly beleive this is DH- I can fully understand how he is behaving - I realise in myself I have the ability to forgive - this just makes me so sad- he once told me he thought I would make a good counsellor - (despite the insults) and I believe I could have helped him. In some ways this makes it worse for me because I just keep thinking what a waste! - I guess on this basis its going to take me 2 years to feel anything like normal!

hope you all have good daysxx

green it's a gradual process but I started to feel much better after about a year and certainly by 18 months I didn't particularly care about him cheating any more apart from the odd wobble.

i cant believe this - it is just one never ending cycle of control - had forgotten about school injections - had to fill forms out - text DH so he cant accuse me of not communicating on kids matters - no reply so had to make a decision - he is now objecting to what I have said - I have gone with what we decided jointly 10 years ago - I dont know whether he is just objecting for the sake of it and all about control - if i had done the opposite would he just have objected to that too and as he knew about it tomorrow why has he made no attempt to contact me on it - looks like I cant "win" whatever decision i make! FFS!