HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - , and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us

Hi iwas I don't think my twunt did it deliberately. I think it was more an explanation of why he wanted the tools. Maybe he felt guilty about doing stuff there when he's left me with so much. He quickly changed the subject. It's surprising how many things he covered in a few minutes. I regret making a comment about her having no tools. But in mitigation, I had mentioned to him about how I might fit the shower myself a few minutes before that. To which he said, no, too much. Anyway, he knows I hate her, whether she is with him or just breathing, quite frankly.

I am pleased that I've resisted texting. I've done a number in my head but that's it.

I've posted on your thread. Yes I think old Sid is doing it deliberately as he's smarting about being chucked out by you. Yes that. It about her still being in bed....he could have said asleep, at least, that would have been a bit better. I think, though, all these things, hurtful as they are, will act as a spur to you moving on emotionally. The same as my twunt's continuing association with her will do its job of allowing me to move on with things.

The good news is, I don't have to see him anymore, unless I take up his offer to finish sorting out something on the PC. I can leave that for a long time, it's not a priority by any means. He was meant to be doing a few bits in the kitchen, but again, I reckon I can do it myself. Otherwise, I will leave it until I decide I want to see him.

Checks this is the right thread - definitely. This is stupid I am a woman I am supposed to be able to multi task.

Hey Izzie batty drawers might not have any tools but she does have a screw loose!! I should be on stage with wit like this

I am reporting this message because I reported an old PM by mistake. This is the easiest way I know to say, sorry, wrong button pressed...and there was nothing wrong with the PM I reported !

iwas I like it! In fact she has a whole tool box of them

Well, well my stbxh is getting married again! They've got to wait for his and hers divorces to come through and then he's off like a rat up a drain pipe.

He only left me on 15ht August last year. So I have been completely replaced by the OW that I'm not allowed to know anything about.

He knew this information would get back to me.

When I asked him about her he told me that there was no need for me to know anything.

I've got a designer wedding dress in the loft - only worn once then washed and boxed for my daughters but there's no way I'd give it to them now.

I thought he was using my daughters to get at me but now I think there maybe another agenda. He's trying to make me look incapable of looking after them and he will have the stable family unit so he is the better option.

That's good Izzie, it's still hard to not get upset though. Well done on resisting the texting.

You might well be right about Sid, he's an intelligent man even if he keeps his brains in his pants he knows it's not necessary to mention she was in bed etc. I don't feel I am remotely moving on emotionally in terms of my feelings about him being with OW.

Good that you don't need to see him anymore. You are doing really well.

Pleased it's not just me messing up with posts/reports etc!!

Sure she has a nut job and a wench wrench too!

Oh Why I am sorry, that must be so difficult for you to deal with.

You are a wonderful mum and you are looking after your daughters really well and anyone will know that. He will never be the better option for your daughters. Please try not to worry about what he might try and do. His behaviour the other day where you had to involve Solicitors to get your daughters home will go against him. Try and stay strong sweetheart x

why it doesn't matter what he is "trying" to do. His recent behaviour speaks for itself. A marriage certificate isn't an eraser of past behaviour.

thanks girls. Your support is really appreciated. I'll keep holding on.

As WWK has said in the past one day at a time.

iwas just thought, yes you're doing the right thing re only speaking to him during office time. You're taking control of that

WhyMe you are doing great. KOKO x

Thanks Izzie and for your support the other day. As you suggested I do think there is an element with my twunt of "if you don't like it that I am with OW, whoops sorry girlfriend, then you shouldn't have kicked me out." Punishing me maybe, I don't know. He'd only get one answer if he suggested I could take him back and the second word would be "off"!!

morning rant - i knew this "parenting for life" would be a bloody joke - what I have is a "parent to suit". Your kids dont need you to sort them out a debit card they need you to turn up at Parents evening and your DS needs you to commit to taking him to see his psychologist so he can get help for the problems he has. I cant be in two places at once because I will be having my treatment for BC. You think you parent EOW - I am the one still doing the majority of washing, even sports kit when they are not here, (apart from the odd pair of pants & socks) and feeding them when they get back from yours; all you seem to be doing is the odd sandwich & pizza & chips. You are bailing out on your kids, there is no communication due to some F88888D up perspective in your head and whatever bullshit OW is feeding you!

and as for the company OW may work there but I own half of if it & I think 20 years counts for a lot more than 12 months. So who do I contact about not being able to get information that I entitled to see - is it Companies HOuse to make a complaint against the director! PEEEED OFF this morning can you tell - this is what having to deal with a twunt does to you whilst he swans around behaving like some "teenager in love" with no responsibilities!

why - so sorry for you - they have no idea of the amount of hurt they are capable of - you are doing fab - your daughters will know this. just one day at a time - i seem to be heading back in this direction too KOKOxx

Hi Why, divorce is the gift that keeps on giving isn't it!
Another revelation to keep twisting the knife in the wound, he really is a despicable bastard.

And you have every right to know who your children will be having contact with. My heart goes out to you, and I want to give you a big hug, but understand that he will not get full custody, you are a loving and very capable mother, dealing with a very stressful situation.

That's very quick to get married again so soon, I totally sympathise, I think my twunt will do the same actually, KOKO babe.

I am so F8888d off today - sick & tired of having to dance to twunts F*ing tune all the time - just because he thinks he is big I AM of his industry!

i have had a bad day today - been in tears to SHL - what can you do when you know you are being EA but there seems no way out of it - I have had that feeling again when I just want to run as far from this as possible - but know I have to stand up & fight.

bobs Im interested in your DDs situation -it sounds incredibly sad - I feel DH is already starting on the mind games with kids particularly DD and I am trying to get help for DS which I feel is a result of him being constantly "picked on" for his behaviour as a child. His current ways of dealing with frustration is to hit his DSis for no other reason than she irritates him. I have told him this behaviour is unacceptable - I have told him that I am aware that both our parenting previously was not its best and now I am trying to undo what has previously been the norm and replace it with something better. I am doing this with no support from DH although he will talk a good talk. I am concerned that if I do nothing my DS could end up having more serious issues as he gets older.

My anxiety levels are high again - another trip to the gp on the horizon i feel

Sorry you're all having a bad time of it at the moment. I came home from work to find a card from RM put through the letterbox and thought great, he's finally got his finger out and done the financials required for mediation and this will be my copy. The neighbour took it and has just been round...no such luck, it's just a book DD ordered

green your kids are 13 aren't they? A tricky age at the best of times. stbx had twins from his 1st marriage and had nothing to do with them for several years when he divorced. Btw they fought a lot! The boy used his grandfather as a father figure I think and went off the rails when he was 13. Don't think his mother was really there for him. The girl turned out fine, has her dad sussed and is very careful how much she lets her 2 dds (stbx's grandkids) have to do with him, as they are now teens. Not too much of a problem as he doesn't have much to do with them anyway - just when he feels like it!

The key is consistency and being there for them. stbx played a lot more mind games on females rather than males. He said is DD from 1st marriage reminded him of her mum, and my 2 DDs have been manipulated by me. How do they get on with him? You have to keep a very careful eye on things when they see him as if he is messing with their heads they will get very confused and become withdrawn as they don't want to disappoint either of you. It is their choice whether they want to see him or not of course

Sorry, probably not much help and every family is different.

Hope you get help for DS - is he having CBT? That is what my DD is having and is supposed to help.

Ahhh just had email from Sol enquiring how mediation is going (first contact in 2 months) - hope he's not charging me for it (stupid question!!!)

hi bobs thanks for reply - that is very interesting what you say about becoming withdrawn. I would say they are both a bit like this - neither of them particularly want to do anything but didnt know whether this was normal teenage behaviour or to do with situation. They have still not told anyone whta has happened and hes been gone 7 months now which does concern me. DD is very aware that there is a bit of an issue but DH thinks its me telling her what to think but she is very astute -DS has refused to talk about anything but actually made a decision tonight that surprised me. if it has taken me this long to realise myself that there is an issue then they dont stand a chance without my support. He has seen a private psychologist once and im trying to get him back for some group work.

Difficult to know given their age green. Have they just started senior school?

My stbx very very rarely involved himself in school stuff, despite our house being mostly the starting point for prom, 6th form ball, pre-lash before going clubbing (you have that to come!!!) and we had many parties there. Everyone pretty well accepted that this was the norm. I did have a word with DD2's head of year so she could keep a watchful eye. If you have any worries you need one too (a watchful eye) at school.

I told stbx that DDs could decide for themselves how they felt but of course he wouldn't believe it...you have to expect that, it's what twunts do!

I think it is important they have someone to talk to - hopefully they have good friends? And it's really important to keep channels of communication open in that they can talk to you about anything. Keeping it bottled up is the worst...that's why we have MN

funny enough bobs just had that issue tonight - Dh needs to change contact for work and kids cant be bothered so even though I have told him its their decision he is going to talk to them tomorrow about it. Last night DS was old enough to be left on his own cos DH couldnt get his priorities right but tonight they are not old enough to make this decision until they are adults - and then we get the input from OW who says I am making it difficult for the kids cos they want to please us both and I said no I have told them it is about them doing what they want not to please me and im now passive aggressive. OW should keep her nose out her kids are much younger she doesnt know what shes talking about

Green sorry you've had such a bad day. I understand the feeling of wanting to run, for all of this to just go away. It might be a while off but one day it will go away and you will be so much stronger for coming through all of this. At some point you will look back and feel so much happier that you are not with him anymore, not having to deal with all of his shit and you will be pleased that you are not in OWs shoes.

You have done incredibly well with everything that you are having to cope with and you have sounded so much more positive recently. Today is a bad day, it happens, we would not be human if we didn't have them.

I would be bloody pissed off at OW making comment about your children's welfare. It is none of her business. They are your children, not hers.

Sorry today has been hard for you and you are still having to deal with his shitty behaviour.

Yes OW should absolutely back-off and leave it between you and stbx where the DC are concerned.

However, sorry to say this but she does have a point. The DC will be trying to please you both and will feel tugged in every direction if you and he are having disagreements where they are concerned. They will not want to make any decision that you might be unhappy with, however much you tell them it's fine what they want.

Hi bobs i see this clearly - and realise the kids are having a difficult time - i have a good relationship with DD and we talk - she is fully aware that somethings she may want to do may not be to "my liking" but I have told her that she has a right to some things and it is down to me to accept it and change my way of dealing with it - her way of dealing with the current situation was to email DH last night confirming what she wants to do - I didnt know she was doing this she didnt tell me just cc me in & i got it this morning.

I know she is only 13 -actually nearer 14 now - but she is very astute for her age - something thats caught me out - she knows about gaslighting - i asked her where did you here about this from - thinking it may be school - but its in a teenage magazine she reads!

just a point bobs - have you seen the screaming banshee thread -some very good links on there about co-dependancy in adults & kids -

back to yoga today so hopefully will "balance" me abit!x

Gaslighting? I had to google it as it sounds like a form of dogging Interesting - a form of emotional abuse really - and I like that the word "insidious" is used in describing it as that sums stbx up perfectly.

I remember him telling me once that we were never invited to parties by our friends because the women didn't like me. I had to really pin him down and say I was going to ask them before he admitted he was lying. The problem was that I never understood why he was acting like he was. Being able to put a name to it - EA, PA, gaslighting made things much clearer.

It's really astute of your DD to understand this and brilliant from your point of view. Hopefully she will be able to explain things to her DB (when they're getting on!) as I think twins always seem to draw together in bad situations.

Ha - I do Body Attack to let off aggression. Should really do Body Combat - lots of punching