Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

999 replies

greenberet · 15/02/2015 12:08

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - Brew, Wine and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other Flowers often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us Smile

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
bobs123 · 22/02/2015 15:26

And no, they will never admit to their own behaviour - much easier to criticise others.

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 15:52

Hello Bob, how are you now after your upset of the other day? Have been thinking of you, we get so attached to our pets it is like losing a member of the family. Hope you and your children have been okay. x

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 18:04

Hi iwas thanks - it's really strange as I keep wondering if he needs to go out and he's not here! It's still upsetting thinking about it but it's for the best and he did live longer than expected. I ended up living where we are because of him and he got another year out of it which is good. I guess I will be finding dog hairs for the foreseeable. On the plus side (I always look on the positive side of everything) we have a bit more room to move! The DC seem to be coping ok but who knows...

It was good to work on Friday and I'm working Monday too. Takes my mind of things - like wondering if stbx is going to cancel our next mediation meeting in 4 days.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 18:30

I felt guilty cleaning under the kitchen units and getting rid of the dog hairs collected there. Our last lab used to stand at the window when we went out or came home. Those two black eyes! I found it really difficult pulling up on the drive for a while afterwards and not seeing that. The other thing I missed was being able to walk around in the kitchen without her walking across my path all the time. Oh and our little cavalier snoring, it was quite cute. I also feel incredibly guilty about painting loads white now, and revarnishing the floors, which took a pasting from the dogs. We always said we may as well wait until they had gone before doing anything about it.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 18:34

Apparently the day the twunt left, DS1 went to speak to him on neutral territory, DS1's idea. He has just told me that he told the twunt that he never wanted to meet the bitch. I feel so pleased that he got told that directly by him, and so soon, before DS1 could have spoken to me about things.

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 18:35

Awwww Izzie [sad[ ours used to stand at the window too (sash so down to the ground) in the house we used to own. Bit gutted that I couldn't bury him there but don't think the new ownere would like it!

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 18:40

He wants to take some tools when he's next round. I asked what type. Plumbing type. I hit the roof here. DS1 said don't get wound up. Whilst I'm cursing here, I've just replied ok let me know when. I will be glad later that I haven't bitten but now I'm enraged. Sort out your own bloody house before dealing with that bitch.

I have never hated anyone as much as I hate her. Not only for what she did but for the sort of "person" she is.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 18:44

They are a bit big to bury, you have to admit though! Did you get the ashes? We didn't. We still haven't scattered my parents' ashes. 1998 and 2003.....Keep meaning to!

Our last lab went to heaven with a tail totally covered in a bright red bandage, bless her. Tail wagging till the last. She always had red collars. She was born Xmas day. We put one of her reindeer cuddly toys out by the Xmas tree. I washed it first though....she wouldn't have minded!

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 18:54

We buried our last lab - took a lot of digging with all the roots from the ginormous trees in the garden. No I didn't get the ashes as didn't see the point and had been walking him in a different place for the past year. I know quite a few people who keep relatives/pets ashes for years and years. Luckily we have a family crypt where we all get put away so don't have that problem.

Re your stbx - sounds like he is trying to keep you both happy (bless!!!). At the moment your anger is directed at her which is easier than directing it at him. The best thing is not to show you care...tough I know but keep on ranting on here!

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 19:34

Yes, I've directed a lot of my anger "at" her, but since he left he's definitely taken the brunt of my anger towards him, and his part in all of this. What is so bloody galling is that had he been less of a decent man ORIGINALLY, he would not have looked back when she had her nervous breakdown. Then maybe things would have been different. Too late now though and obviously in the meantime he's been a shit. I'm not defending him.

Trying to keep us both happy, yes, maybe. Although I did accuse him on Friday of only helping me when it was "bailing out" for him, things that allowed us to go our separate ways, if you like, tidying up loose ends. He said not, but then he would do, wouldn't he? Anyway, if he has any sense, which I doubt, he ought to keep me happy because when/ if it goes pear shaped with her, he will need somewhere to stay, so it's in his interests not to alienate me. As it is, though, there is nowhere for him to sleep. The marital bed is being used by DS2 until he gets his own one, and I'm in a single bed in the spare room.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 19:49

Oh great texted can I come now but won't stay as have bad cold. FFS. I'm gritting my teeth and will try to adopt a nonchalant air.....fuck fuck fuck

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:19

Well, got that out of the way now. He didn't say too much. Started to say something about a washing machine leak and I just cut him off, saying im not interested in over there, none of us here are. He then changed the subject and asked about the car. He got a few tools,I asked whether he was going to bring them back sometime. He said he would have to buy some. My reply being I'm surprised she has t got any tools. H
To which he said, well would you know what to do with them. To which I said well 3.5 months down the line I'm doing a lot, and she's been by herself 10 years and still not doing anything, anyway, bye. He was going at that stage anyway. I don't really care what he thinks, as long as he got the message that that bitch and his life over there will never be of any interest to any of us.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:29

Now I know without a doubt how iwas feels. How fucking dare he even mention anything about his life over there. I didn't ask why he wanted the tools, deliberately. I felt like he was trying to normalise the situation. That will never happen. I f he moves onto someone else, that's different. But that bitch will never be acknowledged. DS2 and I have discussed what will happen when twunt's dad dies. We agreed amongst ourselves that we wouldn't attend the funeral if she were going.thats how deep feelings run.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:32

I've resisted the urge to text him to hammer home the point about mentioning things tonight. It's probably best for him to think I've just brushed it aside. I haven't though. Anything he ever says that implies a future with her, ie by buying things round there makes me bloody sick. I have such rage against that situation. I could quite happily go round and do some damage to her. And I can understand crimes of passion, or whatever.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:36

I'm still ranting. This is why next Xmas there is absolutely no way he is coming round here. Apart from the fact that the kids want it just to be us, and not a split Xmas, I don't want any thoughts of her intruding I to my conscious. Clearly, his coming round hammers home the point that he lives with her. I'm not having that in my face at any major event. And next Xmas I will tell him exactly why.

DS2.... I told him he was coming round. He was upstairs. He wasn't interested. Stayed upstairs.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:43

The fact that he is with her, the fact that he can't see what others see....this is the biggest thing that will eventually enable me to switch off any feelings for him. Any signs of permanency, as in wanting to marry her or buying a place together, or going on the mortgage....that will kill it stone dead for me. And I wonder if at that point I would break all contact.

Izzie595 · 22/02/2015 20:50

www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WZNyxo1fgQ

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:08

Bobs yes it does take a bit of adjusting when they go not just emotionally but practically too. As you say walks and so forth are things that you momentarily forget you don't need to do anymore. Pleased you are trying to be positive.

Pleased you found it helpful to be at work, being busy is good really, it does take your mind off everything for a bit. Hope your mediation meeting goes ahead and that you make some progress in it.

Re-posted in the right thread this time! Is it just me that forgets I'm in a different thread and posts a message meant for a different one. I must have done that at least half a dozen times now! old and senile

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 21:26

Izzie just keep singing that song Grin

iwas god I hope I haven't posted in the wrong thread - been on some pretty random stuff where it would be just plain weird Confused menopause?

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:28

Izzie sorry to hear he has wound you up. It doesn't take much to get the heckles up when there's a mention of OW by them.

That is the bit I find the hardest, knowing that he is with her especially overnight when I know he's in her bed. I can cope with seeing him at work, but I make sure I get to work after him which is fine as he starts very early but I have to leave before he does so that I am leaving work and going to the house rather than being there when he leaves to go to her.

That is why I try now and talk about things with him when he is at work even if we have to go over to the house during weekdays because we will be starting the conversation at work and afterwards he will go back to work. He is not coming to talk to me and going back afterwards having come from hers. He is not going to her afterwards.

I would resist the urge to text him if you can, don't let him see that you are upset. I know I don't practice what I preach sometimes! I don't know if you consider any of his actions deliberate but I know a lot of posters think my ex-DH deliberately rubs my nose in it about OW even though he constantly claims he didn't mean to!

When I spoke to him today to tell him that I didn't want OW coming over our office again he said that she had just nipped over to see if he wanted anything from the shop but they didn't have that conversation earlier because she was still in bed when he left hers. I don't need to sodding know that. He could have just said they didn't discuss it earlier not that he shares her bed now. I sure as hell don't need reminding of that!

Very well timed song I think Izzie!

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:31

Bobs yes I posted the comment to you in a discussion about the relationship boards in general so totally random!! No-one seems to have posted on it since whoops

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 21:34

Whoops Shock !

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:44

Phew someone else has posted on it now (and said I post with great perception!!) and surprised

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:47

Tobee yes I think that most people posting will be on the same side so to speak - eg they want the best for the person posting. Obviously that support can manifest itself in many different ways.

Sorry about your husband's ill health. x

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 21:48

Grrhh!!! Bloody done it again!! Wrong thread!