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Original poster

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

999 replies

greenberet · 15/02/2015 12:08

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

grab your drinks - Brew, Wine and izzietinis dependant on time of day & how we are feeling

Original thread

Part two

anyone welcome, new, old, lurkers we share with you all.
no requirements re posting as & when, one offs, rants, extreme rants, blubbing we dont mind, we've done it all .

we like songs, we like pics, we like humour, we like the words "twunts" and "fuckwittery" & we send each other Flowers often!

Our motto KOKO and our theme tune

join us Smile

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Paddlingduck · 21/02/2015 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bobs123 · 21/02/2015 17:24

whyme how awful for you - what an absolutely horrible twat of a man. I have read some of your other posts. He is just trying to hurt you even though he was the one who left? Do you know we spend so much of our time trying to work out their mentality...or rather fuckwittery.

I hope you have had decent advice from your sol and ways to take steps ensuring this is not going to happen regularly. I also hope you are keeping all proof of his actions/emails. How do your DC feel about seeing him? is the older one able to decide for herself yet whether she wants to see him?

You need to take steps to protect yourself as far as possible. Whatever you do don't rise to anything he says/does. Just be calm because as you've probably worked out by now that is his intention.

Flowers
iwashappy · 21/02/2015 19:26

Thank you so much Izzie. I think OW was a bit deluded. He said he made it clear to her before anything happened with her that it was just sex and yet she fell for him. She could have stopped it going any further many times before it got to the stage that anything happened. They flirted for ages so she knew what she was doing.

OW and your Loopy Lou are weak Izzie. So maybe they both had feelings for our husbands but I think we did too!!

He certainly won't change. He risked his first marriage to cheat and got caught. He risked our marriage and his children's welfare and got caught so being semi-shacked up with her is hardly going to put him off cheating again! Maybe if he had only buggered up one marriage he might have learnt his lesson when he lost everything but he clearly didn't.

Thank you for your sympathy and support. It has been bloody hard and I wouldn't wish this on anyone apart from OW Sorry you have been sad tonight too - I totally understand what you mean by saying that you wish your marriage had worked instead. I don't think any of this thought it would end up like this.

I'm sorry I am going to have to go now as DD and I are going down to her friends and her mum who is my friend and she's finally got out the bathroom!! Take care will catch up later. Hope everyone is okay. xx

strong123 · 21/02/2015 19:42

Just catching up - whyme - that is terrible and I don't understand how he can be so cruel - does he not realise the impact this must be having on the DC. I hope that you get the advice that you need. I feel so angry for you - it is unbelievable what they will do.

Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 09:07

Morning all - been a bit quiet on here - hope that's a good sign in that we are all doing okish rather than anything else - we all need a bit of "peace" time

izzie new car sounds fab glad your DH behaved himself

why totally agree - dispicable behavior - they all seem capable of it though to various degrees

paddling - hope it's not too late as far as DCs are concerned
bobs - hope you are doing ok -with your extra sadness Sad
iwas hope you had a good evening out with friends

hello to others family, drifting, tabby, well & hobbit ( hope I haven't missed anyone)

just a random thought for all those being plagued by social media - there's a lot of discussion generally about this currently with the overriding conclusion that it all smacks of INSECURITY! whether its the endless selfies of teen girls wanting comments of "you are beautiful, not fat, ugly etc" or twunts with their OW wanting to show everyone how "happy" they are or comments on Twitter trying to start up a conversation. Its a bit like going for a walk and saying to everyone you pass "this is what I had for breakfast" today -most people will look at you as if you are mad, someone might say "do I give a F88K!" and if you are "lucky" the other person also feeling a bit lonely might say "that's nice dear - this is what I had!" As I've said before all sad F***s!Grin- and if we let it get to us all it is doing really is making us aware of our own insecurities or bits that are currently missing in our lives - all totally understandable given our current predicament.

KOKOxx

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 09:50

some interesting links here from the "screaming banshee" thread if anyone stuggling - - top of the list of characteristics - Abandonment - some of it is quite frightening reading for me especially when realise the implications to the kids

www.coda-uk.org/index.php -

lanablackmoor.hubpages.com/hub/8-Signs-You-May-Have-a-Codependent-Parent

there is a tiny voice in my head that is saying at some point in the future I will be able to turn round and say to myself - thank "fk" this happened because I now have a chance to stop this from being all my kids know - just have to make sure i get the message across before that polish wears off paddling

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:04

my self- talk for today!

don't need anyone else to tell me this!

HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)
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iwashappy · 22/02/2015 10:16

Morning Green sorry your DH is still being awkward in getting back to you about the children.

You do seem so much stronger than you were. Hope you are okay today.

It has been a bit quiet on here.

Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:19

I do have one fear in all this though - & that is he is going to abandon his kids altogether - gut feeling! - I do hope I am wrong on this but all my previous gut feelings have been right! - maybe this is what I am mentally preparing for now!

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:33

sorry I'm rambling now - maybe this is what it is all about - if he does nothing about schooling - I have to make a decision and the decision I will be forced to make down to his lack of ability to face up to his responsibility will be going against what the kids want and he knows this - but then it will look as though I am the one in the wrong again. I have questioned months ago whether if he is capable of detaching from me like he has done who's to say he wont do this with the kids too- I am actually starting to believe that this is a big possibility. OW wont care & he did once say when he refused to sack her that it would be cruel to her kids - what about his own kids - maybe the part of all this that I cant talk about on here yet is the crux of it all - thing is kids have "normal" thinking patterns expecially DD - so she doesn't get things from his perspective - DS is a work in progress! maybe he really does want the blame for F***G up his own life to rest on my shoulders!

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:36

hello iwas just having another wobble as just dawning on me what I may have to do now - how are you?

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WellWhoKnew · 22/02/2015 10:37

Morning all. I am being socialable. Hobbit came over for lunch, arriving looking stunning, so I took her out in the DeathTrap Mobile and she went home looking 20 years older than her years...the world's greatest driver, I am not!

Another friend for lunch today, then next week I'm going on another England tour to distract me from the upcoming...

All quiet on the western front, I think SHL's letter making it very clear that his behaviour has gone too far may have gotten through to him.

I am currently having major 'pangs' each day where I miss the old him, but not the old him as he is now. I'm looking forward to being able to move on, although to what, and with what, remains incredibly uncertain. I am desperate to move now and get out of nowheresville so when I get back I shall start packing up and looking for a new tenancy in the hope GG allows me to remain in this country.

Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:47

morning well you sound in a good place and those pangs I guess pretty normal with what you are about to face - but the "old" him - wasn't real really was it - just like mine - except from our perspective it was because we "assumed" they had all the characteristics that we do of integrity, honesty and responsibility but when push came to shove just an illusion!

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 10:50

just like a magic trick really - we see what we think we see - and then when we are told how the trick was done see it completely differently and realise theyhad "tricked" us!

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Hobbitwife001 · 22/02/2015 11:07

Hi everyone, hope you are are all as well as can be expected, I am not too bad at the moment.

A big thank you to Well for being the hostess with the mostest, her driving isn't that bad honest!

I have started on my form E, it isn't as bad as I thought, I think the fear of it was worse then the actual filling it in, IYSWIM, but I am panicking slightly now as I know I will never be able to stay in the house if I don't get spousal maintenance, and I recognise that he is very reluctant to go down that route, that's why we are going to mediation.

Catch up later, going to work now, big hugs to all.

Hobbitwife001 · 22/02/2015 11:10

I want to stay in the house if I can, I love it, and don't want to give it up, to be in rental accommodation, and piss away my settlement on dead money.

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 11:16

Green I hope he starts behaving in the way he should do with his children. But, whatever happens it is down to him and not you, the blame would be entirely his and your children will realise that. But, I do hope that he comes to his senses and realises it is important for the children. Sorry, it must be very hard for you. Your children will come through this, just as you will.

I am not too bad today thank you. Better than I have been recently anyway. DD and I had a nice evening down our friends last night.

Hello to the sociable WWK. Lovely that you had a nice lunch with Hobbit. I hope you enjoy your tour next week. Great that your SHL letter seems to have helped. I totally understand about the pangs for the old him, I get those all the time. They had to have been good in some ways otherwise we wouldn't have married them. Trouble is all the good points don't make up for all the shitty behaviour. But it's difficult when you've had years of only knowing the good side of him, you do miss that a lot

But I would rather be in this position than still be in what I thought was a happy marriage while all the time he was cheating behind my back and lying to me.

iwashappy · 22/02/2015 11:20

Hello Hobbit pleased you are not too bad and you have recovered from WWK's driving.

Good luck with the form, I hope you manage to get spousal maintenance sorted out and can stay in your house. Take care. x

Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 11:37

you know my SHL did think we could shame him into facing up to his responsibility but I told her don't even think that will work - i have no idea who he is anymore - not even convinced that he will do the right thing by his kids and the pain I feel for them having to live with this - this is what has Fd him up in the first place - iwas you are right I have to continually put in place plan B because I have no faith in him that he will stick to Plan A - twice now I have done this but all the time he was working on a different agenda so I have to do what is within my capability for my kids - as I have always done & always will.

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bobs123 · 22/02/2015 12:06

green really feel for you re. the DC.

To put it from another perspective...what you have to ask yourself is whether they might be better or worse off having contact with him. Might he start messing with their heads in the same way he is messing with yours?

As I have said previously, I went through the same while still living with stbx. He starting emotionally detaching himself from DDs and finding excuses why they wanted to have nothing to do with him - all my fault of course! He really messed with their heads and I am dealing with the fall-out. Their best friend one day, ignored them the next. Having said that yours are younger than mine and will no doubt be a lot more confused by it all. Consistency is key in their lives.

My stbx has history in that he has no relationship with his kids from his 1st marriage, or his grandkids. Actually that's not exactly true - he contacts them when he feels like it, then blocks them on f/b for no reason (something you really cannot do to teenagers without good reason - his were privacy issues!)

Hobbit and WWK sounded like a fun lunch Smile shame we can't all have a meet up at some point but we are probably spread out all over the country!

bobs123 · 22/02/2015 12:08

You know my SHL did think we could shame him into facing up to his responsibility

Tried that several times during my marriage...he feels no shame (part of passive aggressive behaviour)

Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 12:08

hobbit - something you have said just resonated with me - I have been advised by shl that it is highly unlikely that a judge would agree that selling a family home and going into rental accommodation with kids is good for their welfare as it is not secure - maybe you want to look into this before mediation or agreeing to anything - it may just be a complete nonstarter - dont forget my DH seems to think it perfectly reasonable to sell house take school fees out of equity and split the difference - leaving me with bugger all, no job - prospects of getting one who knows? and this is ok as this is what kids want & if we both agree dont need a judge!

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 12:14

bobs that is so funny - not really but what you said about privacy - he said in mediation that didn't need to tell kids about his life with OW as was allowed to keep some things "private"

how old are your kids bobs? and yes I am already starting to see a bit of it going on with DD especially - and the contact - already all on his terms im just seeing that!

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Original poster
greenberet · 22/02/2015 12:23

also my DF went through a phase of acting like a teenager after my DM died embarking on a new relationship & putting her above everything else - but my DH saw it for what it was and often commented on it and fortunately my DF realised it too and has got his perspective back. seems DH can't/won't make the same connection to his own behaviour but of course this is different cos its "real love"

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bobs123 · 22/02/2015 15:24

I think people like to keep things private that they don't want to have to explain - much easier for them that way and also a way of detaching.

My DDs are 17 & 21. Although your stbx might in no way be the same as mine, I told him years ago (10?) that if he started messing with their heads in the same way as he had with mine, then that would be the end of our marriage. I reasoned with myself that I understood how his brain worked and had taken steps to protect myself from his behaviour (not reacting, doing my own thing, making decisions etc) and it was better to have both parents around (he always said he would have to move away and not see the DC if we split). However I obviously made the wrong choice as they both now have mental health problems. Difficult to establish the catalyst but too much of a coincidence.