HOBBITS BAR - still finding it hard to move on ......(part 3)

[greenberet]

here we go ladies & drifting dogs welcome too of the harvey kind!

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Original thread

Part two

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Hi Green it's being done to my taste, as it always was. He has no idea about what looks good, but he was good at doing the work. I did a fair bit, but now, over the last few years, I've done a lot more than him, and now I'm doing it all!

Financials yes does seem to be a trend on here. I hope everyone is making use of all the info to be found online. I certainly have, and it will be invaluable when I start on that route. I know what I'm entitled to, best and worst case scenario, and I'm clued up about what I know will be the contentious issues, so I'm well prepared. It's good that he is paranoid about racking up large legal bills, so I can use this info well in negotiating.

I can imagine how stressful it all is. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I know it will dominate my life once it's started.

family yes I agree with your last post. But it's great to visualise them in Shit City when feeling angry.

I'm not feeling well disposed to the ex today. I'm picking up the car with him today. I want him to drive it home for me. I bet he will be all nonchalant about it, whereas I would be really excited. As I said the other day, I forgot how he used to sap my enthusiasm at times, esp over recent years. Well, I shall be nonchalant too, except to the salesman. And I'm NOT going to play any music on the way home. I want the first song played in my car to represent good memories. So I will take the kids out later and put a tune on then. Once twat has left, I intend to give the seat a wipe. And THAT will be the last time he gets in the FAMILY CAR. I made a point of saying I needed a family car, not what we were planning to get for me previously. I got myself a new number plate too. I had a plate of my own but as I don't have a middle name, it consisted of his initials, or rather my married initials but his middle name. AND as that plate of mine on my old car has been round Fatty's, I refuse to use it. So bugger that, I've bought another one. He will assume the initials are partly my maiden name. I will take great delight I telling him that it actually represents my first name, DS1's first name and DS2's first name. So he can stuff that up his arse.

bloody hell Im losing the plot - didnt think i had posted but had - apologies for repeating myself !

good one izzie - yes just look at him as the "car delivery person" - perhaps you could get one of those paper seat covers - keep your excitement contained to share with your kids! love your thinking on the no plate

My ex is very concerned about sanitising it all, so he will only do spiteful things if he feels I have given him a reason to. And then it's "a logical consequence". Hence shutting my gob for a change!! As the kids tell me, think of the settlement. The same as my family say. I once compared his version of events to his family as like Mary Poppins, with me and the kids welcoming his new life, and me happily decorating for our new life. More like fucking had no choice as he left the kitchen totally in pieces. Cunt! But now it's almost back together again. I loved his face when he came round. It looks so different and so much better. He wasn't keen on it being done originally, but as usual.....I was proved right in the end

I'm venting. Must stop now and go be industrious

perhaps you could get one of those paper seat covers

Oh Green I hate the expression lol, but I really did

Yes WWK that was me. How sad that I thought that at one time. I don't think like that anymore no. I still have sadness for my children at what has happened but I do not hold any of the responsibility for that.

I think too much has happened for you to ever pity him. It is understandable to say you hope you never change your mind but I would try to guard against holding on to hate. It will take a lot of time and effort but if you can eventually leave those feelings behind, perhaps you will find some peace again.

He has brought this all on himself - you did not ask for any of it - I hope his family are aware of that?

Although the pain and suffering he has put you through is unforgiveable, think of how many people you have helped as a result of what you have been through. It has given you incredible empathy. I hope you can take some strength from that. We are in awe of you, Mum.

Green you double posted at the same time as I lost a post....

We are bound together in.....internet malfunctioning I think......

Yes WWK that was me. How sad that I thought that at one time. I don't think like that anymore no. I still have sadness for my children at what has happened but I do not hold any of the responsibility for that

Me too

WWK will reach "meh, what a dick" I'm sure

Why are you lot having all these chats today? I'm supposed to be doing things but I'm too engrossed on this thread. Just stop it!

I shall hum the Fuck Off Song on the way home from the garage. And any other time he is round here

I was joking with my brother that as his wife, I would still have the legal right to do his funeral, and could have some fun with that. I'm now wondering if I could slip that song in as he goes behind the curtain, as it were.....it's not blasphemous, after all.....

I've actually been to work today!!! I have this part time job where I go in as and when needed. I haven't been "needed" for the past 2 months as it has been so quiet...but they "needed" me today...what a lovely feel-good feeling AND I'm going in on Monday! (of course they could have been pretending it was quiet coz I was so crap in December and made loads of mistakes!)

I haven't cost the DC their father, rather I've saved them from them...although damage has already been done unfortunately.

Re the link about finding out his finances - I needed details of the joint mortgage in his filing cabinet when selling our house and details of his pension just happened to be there too.....do your worst stbxtwat. I told him it was there and just to be on the safe side produced a copy when it was denied. His sol even tried to say I had the original. I just told him exactly where to find it...helpful-like!

As for opening his post - well I had my mail redirected, he didn't, so I was getting all his with the new address sticker covering his name...really what was I supposed to do? (little victories )

Re inheritances - I've read up a lot - it all comes down to what's already in the marital pot and if it's enough. But if, for example, he decided to give up his job, then he could possibly have recourse to wanting a share of non-matrimonial assets.

Yes...it all comes down to money

Oh - and they'd started a swear box in work and I had to contribute rather a lot - all your fault you lot

Deck how frustrating for you. It's all very well being "sympathetic" if he had shown some respect previously.....

You need this:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WZNyxo1fgQ

bobs it's sooo easy to open a letter by mistake, you need to be more careful

Well, I've got the car now. He was actually rather nice, and wasn't nonchalant. We had a brief chat about all the stuff I've been left to do around the house, and he's agreed to help if I have a problem. Although he's very busy with work still. Same old story re when we were together

Ooh I did still rather like that salesman. Off limits as married though. However, it was good to have a bit of banter with him, especially in front of twat. It's nice to meet someone who I actually found attractive and who I wouldn't have turned down if available and interested. I'm very fussy about men, yes really, and I didn't think I would ever be interested in anyone again. Not that I'm looking or interested, but it's nice to know that I haven't totally shut down in that department.

There was nothing from the ex re moving towards financial settlement. We talked about getting the builders in to do a few things that need doing, as we had got quotes for in the summer. I was testing the water a bit there to see whether that elicited any suggestion of me not being there in the future. Nothing. Also, he's still running the finances as usual and doing his records. Who knows what's in his mind re finances. I suppose whilst he's with Loony Tunes, it's not an issue. Also, of course, he's too busy to do much about things. He spent 5 hours with me, left at 7.30 to go back and do more work, and will be working at the weekend. I hope she's enjoying the reality of living with him. Meantime, we have a more relaxed time here, and do t have to conform to the patterns of his work, eg eating at ridiculous times, and looking forward to the weekend only to find he's working again.

Pleased you have finally got the car Izzie. That must be a relief, pleased he was okay too.

Thanks iwas. Just seen your post on your thread. Pretty much as I thought then. Making the most of what he is left with. Doing a damage limitation exercise too for public consumption. So it sounds like he will stay with her as she is so smitten with him. I'm glad he feels pushed out by the family, and is missing family life though. He doesn't have it all his own way. I would be aware that anything he says he will have said assuming that it would go straight back to you.

Well it sounds like she is prepared to be a doormat to his unfaithful ways. Which you weren't. He won't change, iwas, it's within him, as you know

I hope you're ok in the circumstances.

Thank you Izzie. It seems he realised he had totally burnt his bridges with me so he's moved on because he knows he can't go back. It still hurts that he wants to be with her though and didn't show me any respect by going straight to her. I did feel a bit reassured that maybe the transition hasn't been quite as easy for him as it seemed to be, that he does actually seem a bit bothered about what he has lost.

I am aware that he would have guessed that what he told my friend would come back to me. OW is certainly giving him a chance where I wouldn't, perhaps naively hoping it might be different with her. I think with his history she's a bit deluded if she thinks that. I agree that he won't change, he was like this before I knew him as well as during our marriage so I can't see him changing now.

I am reasonably okay tonight thanks. Have had a really rough week, have spent far too much time in tears. I had a couple of days where I didn't go into work as it just felt too much. I don't know why as he's not really done anything to majorly upset me this week. Our daughter stayed over at his the other night and he was fine with her, didn't mention OW or anything to her.

I think jackw summed it up pretty well in the first post after your update. She would possibly be infatuated with any bit of trousers she could call her own. Let's face it, he was using her for sex, and she's in love?? Deluded, yes about her feelings and the reality that he's just a serial cheat who has been chucked out by his wife. All that nonsense about couldn't stop herself, what utter crap. They are not star crossed lovers, they are just two shag partners who have ended up with each other, for now, because they don't have an other viable option....being alone not being a viable option for him.

This is like Loopy Lou, isn't it? After 6 weeks of knowing my ex, she dissolved into tears at the prospect of a possible reconciliation. Sorry but no man is that great. Again, she clearly hadn't had any luck since her own H went off, so she clung on to the only other option.

You are right, he won't change. He risked everything during your marriage. What on earth is he risking with her? What does he lose if he gets caught next time?

I'm so sorry it's been a rough week. I know nothing new has happened, but that makes no difference. You need to grieve.

It's been about the same time for both you and me. I still have plenty of sad moments, and have cried at various times. I've been quite sad tonight. I have my own car, a much better one than I would have got if still married, but at the end of the day I would sooner my marriage had worked. I have a lot more grieving to do. More often than not, when I have seen him, I become upset later if it's been a positive encounter. I sometimes think it would be useful to keep contact with him, because I know he will look after me, especially as time lessens the impact of the split. At other times, though, I worry that being friends will not work for me emotionally, and I've considered a total parting of the ways at some stage. That's how things were with me before I met him, and it was easiest. I don't know. The point is though, I fully appreciate how difficult things are for you. Give it time, and you will know what's best for you. I don't think you can force a decision, it will just become apparent to you.

Thinking of you xx

Just thought. He has changed his tune, of course. Remember he told her about his philandering. That was a way of telling her it was nothing more than a fling. And now he's bigging it up. Still straddling the two, though, ie oh I'm upset my marriage has ended, poor me v I'm all sorted now, all happy chappy with the "girlfriend". And covering his arse by saying that he's with her because YOU decided to end the marriage. In other words you could take me back.....

why are these mean allowed to get away with the EA. My stbxh actually had contact with my children today and then refused to bring them back. He laughed at my distress on the phone when he said he was keeping them. I didn't even know where they were.

He's twisted. We eventually got them back with the solicitors help but my god what game is he playing. He's trying to break me and he knows all the little loop holes. He even left a message on my answer phone stating that it was my 5 year old that was telling him she wanted to stay with him.

He's also been harassing me this week by phone and by email. Then tonight he sends me an email to ask how I am? How the f does he think I am. Trying to deal with all this shit.

Apologies for the rant but I just don't understand. He doesn't actually want the children he's just using them to hurt me.

Why how absolutely sick and twisted is that. I'm so so sorry you've even more stuff thrown at you by this vile bastard. Is there anything you can do in light of this? It may be too soon for you to know of course.

I am beginning to question whether DH really wants to be part of his kids life or given the choice would he be separate from them too. It gets to something when you ask him a perfectly reasonable question to do with their schooling and he refuses to reply so you have to get your SHL to ask the same bloody question all because we have to play these ridiculous mind games in an attempt to achieve what exactly?

the irony of all this is the longer it goes on the more his behaviour can be seen for what it is.

well those feelings you had yesterday - when i think of this all subjectively i have the hate - when I look at it objectively its pity, lack of respect and questioning how can a grown up professional be so bloody ridiculous all in attempt to "prove" that everything he has done is justifiable because "she" caused all this - not me! PATHETIC!