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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing again

449 replies

Freeflying · 12/02/2015 19:40

I posted a couple of nights ago because I was feeling anxious after my partner had been angry with me. It has escalated from there and I don't even know what to do now, I am feeling scared and tired and it was just too much this time. It's like history repeating itself I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before this one and i don't think I can do this.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I feel so scared and alone

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 21/02/2015 14:59

You can contact your Health Visitor to ask for some more support or another visit. They tend to see you once or twice then leave you to it if there are no concerns which there obviously weren't so clearly you're not doing too bad. I'd also suggest speaking to your GP. They might be able to refer you for counselling and also review your anti-depressants. The previous poster is right that they could be affecting your ability to think straight but you shouldn't try to come off them or change doses without medical supervision. Bear in mind you're also not sleeping or eating properly and you've been through traumatic experiences so your ability to think straight will be clearly affected. If you compare your situation to someone who has just been in a bad car accident.... Would you expect them to be going about their business normally, able to explain/remember exactly what happened and make decisions about how they intend to travel in the future? Of course you wouldn't so don't be afraid of asking for help and support. The more the better. The more people you talk to about your concerns the more likely it is you'll get the support you need. Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 16:56

I'm sorry I'm so pathetic

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 21/02/2015 16:57

Freeflying I know it's all hard at the moment but can you say what your specific concerns/fears are? If you break them down we may be able to help. Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 17:03

I'm having so many flashbacks and its hard to function. I just want to fix myself now

OP posts:
Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 18:42

I'm sorry I'm not feeling coherent right now. I don't know what to do about work either

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 21/02/2015 19:23

You have nothing to apologise for. Will you phone your GP first thing on Monday to make an appointment. Explain as best you can (write it down over the weekend and hand it to him/her if it helps). Ask if there's any counselling you can be referred for and ask for a request to be made for the Health Visitor to come out to you.

What are your concerns re work? Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 20:00

I don't know if I can go back on Monday, I don't know if I can face it. What do I need to say to my gp? I don't even know

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 21/02/2015 21:29

I've just written a huge post then lost it! Have to feed DD soon so will have to paraphrase I'm afraid.....

Tell your GP as much as you can. Ask for counselling, health visitor and anything else s/he can suggest. Is being signed off sick an option for you? If so ask for that. Does writing everything down seem do-able? At least if you can write down an outline of what's happened, how you're feeling and what you're hoping for you will get the most out of your appointment rather than coming away disappointed because you've forgotten something.

Is phoning in sick on Monday an option?

Phoned Women's Aid as often as you need for help and advice. It's not just about getting you into a refuge. I think you can ask for a visit or at least discuss your worries. Also remember to call the Police if you feel in fear. Use the 101 number of you're happy with a slight delay in being put through to the operator. That's pretty much the only difference between that and 999 but call 999 if there's any immediate threat.

Xxx

tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 23:23

Things you might tell your GP:

1.That you have been attacked and raped by your now XP and the police are involved.
2.That you have been to hospital. What happened there should have been communicated to GP by now.
3.That your safety is unsure and you are traumatised by all this.
4.That your anti-depressants keep you in such a numb state that you are barely functioning, unable to know what to do, what has happened or even call 999 when it is necessary. This is an unsafe state of mind. Are there options for other tablets?

  1. That you need counselling and more hands-on back up with DD and life in general.

If that list sounds good to go then copy it down if you like and show it to doc.

I don't think you sound fit for work so you might ask for a sick note too? Depends if you're in a job like mine where no work = no pay (basically) and whether or not you can afford a week or so off. I'm amazed at your strength to be working at all in any case Free!

You are NOT pathetic, you are an abused woman grown from an abused teen and probably before. Your story is harrowing and you have survived so much. It isn't fair that you continue to be sad or victimised. I think this time of your life might be about really saving yourself, so that this never happens to DD. So that you truly experience unconditional love through your relationship with a precious daughter.

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 23:43

Thank you for the list and reminding me what to say I've just been speaking to the Samaritans and I feel a bit calmer. I was scared before of what I could do but I know I wouldn't do it. I just feel exhausted and numb. But I will copy the list. Dd only went down about an hour ago. I feel very lonely now, I have been thinking about what's next for me and dd but it's overwheminng me

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 22/02/2015 06:55

Well done for ringing the Samaritans. You're DD needs you to keep reaching out for support. Please don't do anything silly. You seem like a lovely person and although it doesn't feel like it now you have achieved so much. I know I've said it before but you really can't try to think too far into the future. You have to get through each day at a time. Are you getting out of the house much? Some fresh air will do you and DD good. Take a charged mobile phone though.

The list from Tipsy is a good one and an excellent starting point with your GP.

What have you got planned for today Free?

Xxx

tipsytrifle · 22/02/2015 08:49

I'm at work until late (10pm-ish) but wish you a peaceful day. I'll check your thread when home and will be thinking of you, sending protective vibes and all that. Thevirgin is right, a bit of fresh air might be very good. It's bloody freezing out there though, so both of you wrap up warm!!

Original poster
Freeflying · 22/02/2015 15:21

Hey I'm not doing well today but Dd is Good I am just trying to not be anxious

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 22/02/2015 15:34

Why aren't you doing well? What's happening? Glad DD is well ?? Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 22/02/2015 16:50

I just feel panicky and low and just generally I can't do anything. I could barely make Dd her bottle. I just feel disgusting and scared

OP posts:
weedinthepool · 22/02/2015 17:39

Free try not to think past the end of today, it is too overwhelming. Just get through each day. Make a list if everything you have to do eg dd's bottles, make food, wash up, bath dd, shower, ensure door stays locked etc & concentrate on getting them done & ticked off.

Do not think about the police, your ex, your historical abuse etc. just concentrate on the day to day stuff as you just need to survive now.

I'm facing a video interview with the police this week re my historical sexual abuse but I have put it away in a mental box as it is too anxiety causing. Don't let your mind dwell, it serves no purpose at the moment.

Original poster
Freeflying · 22/02/2015 18:26

I don't think I can do this anymore

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 22/02/2015 19:36

Phoned the Samaritans honey. Now. You can do it you just need loads of support (understandably). Can you also call the friend you've told? Shed hate to know you're feeling this way and haven't asked for her help. Xxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 22/02/2015 19:57

I mean phone... Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 22/02/2015 21:34

Sorry I am ok. I self harmed but safely how they taught me I just am tired

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 22/02/2015 22:20

Just back from work and so sorry to hear that you're down, Free. I agree that exhaustion is probably playing a part in making your anxiety worse.

Does your GP make home visits? I think you need medical advice with regard to everything on that list as soon as it can be arranged. I didn't add self-harming into it but perhaps if you like your GP you might tell him that too?

Who taught you how to self-harm safely? I've never heard of that before. I'm glad that you seem to have a technique that prevents serious damage though.

I'm glad that you are phoning the Samaritans whenever you need to. I don't think you can consider work tomorrow when you really need to see the GP and ask for more help. This seems the first priority to me.

Thevirginmummy1 · 23/02/2015 07:09

Definitely don't go to work. Please phone your GP as soon as they open. A home visit sounds ideal but I think you might struggle to get that so don't be disheartened.

How are you feeling this morning? Have you had some sleep? Does your DD sleep well?

Will you let us know when you have contacted your GP?

Today is a new day. Don't let how you felt yesterday drag you down today - every day will be different.

Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 23/02/2015 08:40

I have an appointment with the gp at 9.30. I don't want to go out but I know I need to, thank you for all your support

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 23/02/2015 09:01

Brilliant. Well done. You do definitely need to go. Let us know how you get on. Xxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 23/02/2015 13:06

How did you get on hon? Xxx