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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Arguing again

449 replies

Freeflying · 12/02/2015 19:40

I posted a couple of nights ago because I was feeling anxious after my partner had been angry with me. It has escalated from there and I don't even know what to do now, I am feeling scared and tired and it was just too much this time. It's like history repeating itself I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before this one and i don't think I can do this.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I feel so scared and alone

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 23/02/2015 13:08

Excellent that you made an appt. Brave too that you're willing to go! Hopefully you have been now Free. How did it go?

weedinthepool · 23/02/2015 13:21

Another one here hoping the GP appointment went well.

Freeflying · 23/02/2015 19:42

He put a letter through my door a long letter. I don't know how he got in and I'm scared

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SmillasSenseOfSnow · 23/02/2015 19:47

Call the police (on 101?) and tell them the situation. That you were raped and the guy was let out on bail and he is not staying away from you, came into your flat since being let out, has posted stuff through your door most recently and that you fear for your safety.

Thevirginmummy1 · 23/02/2015 20:22

Definitely call the Police. 101 will be fine for this. It sounds like he has bail conditions not to contact you in any way but even if not (and if not you should request that they be applied by the Court) it's harassment or at least the first incident of harassment. Make sure you report it. Phone them now.

Am I right in thinking that he got in through a communal door but not your actual front door?

Please call the Police now. How did it go with your Doctor?

Xxx

tipsytrifle · 23/02/2015 20:25

Just back from work. I'm in and out as a roaming cleaner.

Dear Free he has played right into police hands by delivering you a letter. He has breached the communal door system (if that's what it is?) He has come within whatever yards are on his bail conditions by being at your door.

Phone 101. Don't even read the letter but keep it to hand over to them. They can read it and assess how much we would all like to pour a bucket of mace over his head.

Please tell the police that you are worried for your safety and that of your DD. You gave her to your friend for a couple of days, you were so scared of him getting into your flat. Tell the police ALL of this. Phone 101 now.

The good news is he doesn't seem to have kept his key. He wasn't in the flat, right?

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 02:20

I'm sorry please can someone help me calm down

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 24/02/2015 04:02

Are you ok? Xxx

hesterton · 24/02/2015 04:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tipsytrifle · 24/02/2015 09:16

How are you Free? Did you have an anxiety attack?

Please call the police and give them the letter.

How did it go at the doctor's?

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 11:08

I had a bad anxiety attack last night but I am better now I am with my dd and she keeps giving me cuddles. I went to the gp yesterday and he was ok but I didn't know how to speak to him properly. He said he will refer me to mental health team and they will contact me. I don't know what else. The letter is not good but the domestic violence officer is going to see me today I think

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 24/02/2015 12:23

So glad to hear that you rode out the anxiety. I think it's perfect that GP is going to refer you to the mental health team. That's a real bonus!

It's awesome that you also are in contact with the DV officer. The letter is an invasion, much like an attack, no matter what it says.

Wow - you achieved so much yesterday! I'm awed by your strength even though you don't believe you're strong. You really are.

Hang in there Free.

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 18:07

Thank you all for your support, I'm sorry

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 24/02/2015 18:23

One day you'll be through all this, have your head together and know your strength and triumph. Then you'll be able to help someone else who is stumbling on the rocky path you once walked.

It's one of the Good things people can do for each other.
Don't apologise! Cake

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 21:25

His letter was horrible he said such horrible things and I don't know how to cope with it I keep remembering it

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Thevirginmummy1 · 24/02/2015 21:33

You have nothing to apologise for. You're doing brilliantly well and everyone who is supporting you on here is doing so because they want to and because they see what a hard time you're having. I would also guess that there are people out there who are following this thread who are having similar experiences but are too frightened/confused/uncertain to say anything so you are also helping them.

You've achieved so much in the past few days - contacting Police, GP, Women's Aid, Samaritans, not to mention being a brilliant Mum to your DD. All of this when you're really struggling/not wanting to speak to these people. You should be really proud of yourself. Are you feeling any more positive than when you first posted? I hope so.

Sorry I've not posted all day - had no internet connection. On that note when you're feeling scared or anxious at night if no one is on here to offer support (or if it's an emergency) make sure you contact the Samaritans or the Police (depending on the situation). I check in whenever DD wakes me up for a feed but that's often not the right time for you and I don't want you to think you're alone.

Have you spoken/been visited by the DV Officer? It might be a bit late but I would recommend asking him/her to clearly explain (and write down if it's helpful) exactly what is happening with your case. Specifically..

When it is going to Court and what is likely to happen then (will it be referred to Crown Court?). Ask to be kept updated with what happens at each Court hearing.

What exactly he has been charged with and whether there are any investigations ongoing that he has not yet been charged with.

What his bail conditions are, what the penalties are for breaking them and who you need to contact if he does break them.

Whether you have been referred to Victim Support.

Whether the DV Unit works alongside Women's Aid or similar and have referred you to them. They also sometimes offer Women's Aid workers to support you and attend Court with you if required.

Whether there is anyone you can be referred to who can assess/help with making you feel more secure in your home.

Whether there is any kind of alarm that you can be issued with to use in the event that you are threatened in any way.

Different forces have different schemes and systems so it's worth asking. I would also recommend making a note of who contacts you and where they're from. You could have contact from Women's Aid, Victim Support, Mental Health Team etc and it can get confusing trying to keep track of who is who and how to get hold of them. Feel free to ask here is there is anything that you don't understand - someone will be able to help.

You've done so well in speaking to your Doctor and I think the referral is very appropriate. Did you manage to sort out something with work?

How are you feeling now? Is there any way you have of managing your anxiety attacks that you can plan to try to do when you feel one taking over? Do you have anything else you want to ask about?

Hope you've had lots of lovely cuddles with your DD today. She's got a Mum to be very proud of.

Xxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 24/02/2015 21:38

Sorry that was really long! And you've posted while I was posting...

He's saying horrible things because he's manipulative and cruel and is trying to undermine you and make you doubt yourself. He's not a nice person so you should not care what he thinks. He's badly hurt you and clearly doesn't care so his opinion and what he says really does not count for anything. After what he has done/is doing there are plenty of horrible (but sadly true) things that can be said about him. I know it's hard but please try not to pay any attention to what he is saying.

He is the one who is on bail for hurting someone he is supposed to love/care about. If you are that bad/horrible why is he bothering to try to contact you? It's because he is weak and pathetic and a bully and it makes him feel better to try to put you down. You're far better than him so please don't pay attention to a word he says.

Does that make sense to you at all?

xxx

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 22:15

I just want to drop the charges now

OP posts:
Freeflying · 24/02/2015 22:17

Nothing makes sense any more I just don't know

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Andro · 24/02/2015 22:27

Free, you're scared, overwhelmed and in a panic...you're seeing dropping the charges as a way to reduce you stress which is understandable but wrong. You need to protect your dd, that means protecting yourself because your dd needs you.

Abusers need to be brought to a halt, get as much help as you can (women's aid, victim support etc) and take back the control - you CAN do this, you ARE strong enough and you WILL get through it with the right support!

bluejelly · 24/02/2015 22:32

Hang in there Free, you are doing brilliantly. You will get through this I promise, and you will be truly free of him. Keep reaching out for support and it will come. Take care

Thevirginmummy1 · 24/02/2015 23:04

What doesn't make sense hon?

Please don't make any rash decisions. What did the DV Officer say about it all? Dropping the charges won't make the situation go away, in fact it will increase your risk as the bail conditions will be dropped. As I said before he's written nasty things to you to try to undermine you. He's scared of going to Court because of what will happen there so he's trying to get to you first. Please just see how things go for a bit. When is the next Court date?

Xxx

Freeflying · 24/02/2015 23:34

I haven't spoken to the police again yet I don't know what I want to do anymore I just want to leave it and forget that it all happened I am terrified. I've to do so much at the moment that Im too scared of

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 25/02/2015 08:01

Do the Police know about the letter Hon? Please call 101 and report it. You're not going to get him to leave you alone without help and in this case it's the Police who can help. When he gets a clear message that you'll report everything he does he should back off and you'll have a bit of space to think straight. You have got loads to do/think about but one step at a time. Call 101 this morning. Let us know how you get on. We're here for you. Xxx

tipsytrifle · 25/02/2015 08:43

Please don't drop the charges!

I think what you want is probably simple. To be free of him so you can start to recover from a life of abuse.

You will never be free of him if you do that. Your daughter will never be free of his cruelty and, eventually, his physical abuse if you do not press charges.

You need to give the info and the letter to the police. They will take it from there. Have the police offered you victim counselling?

Please contact the police, Free. You have to protect yourself and DD. This is how you do it. This is how you say "no more" to all the sickos who have treated you so badly. Call 101 this morning, as Thevirgin has suggested.

You might need to ask the GP for more help with the almost constant anxiety and fear that is crippling you.