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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing again

449 replies

Freeflying · 12/02/2015 19:40

I posted a couple of nights ago because I was feeling anxious after my partner had been angry with me. It has escalated from there and I don't even know what to do now, I am feeling scared and tired and it was just too much this time. It's like history repeating itself I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before this one and i don't think I can do this.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I feel so scared and alone

OP posts:
Original poster
Freeflying · 19/02/2015 20:57

They Cant offer me any places in a refuge but have offetrd to call me back tomorrow and then help me make plans for me and dd I don't really know what else but am happy I called them I couldn't really explain things properly to them but she was really nice

OP posts:
bluejelly · 19/02/2015 21:24

Brilliant Free, that's great news re WA. They really can help you.
Did you manage to cook and eat something?

RandomNPC · 19/02/2015 21:26

Fantastic. Well done!

Original poster
Freeflying · 19/02/2015 21:34

I think this is gonna be my life forever though

OP posts:
bluejelly · 19/02/2015 21:40

What do you mean Free? You will get through this tough time, you really will.

Original poster
Freeflying · 19/02/2015 21:46

This has been how my life has been for all my life and I look at other people and read about people on here and it's just so different and I've never had it and I don't think I ever will

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Thevirginmummy1 · 19/02/2015 21:49

You will get through it though it seems really daunting now. It doesn't matter if you can't manage to tell WA everything. There will have been so much , probably even things you don't yet recognise as domestic abuse, but the important thing is you're speaking to someone who can offer you some excellent support. You should be proud of yourself for coming this far. Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 19/02/2015 22:52

I just want to give up and I can't

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Thevirginmummy1 · 20/02/2015 00:48

You can't and you won't. Just take one day at a time and don't worry about how the future will be. You've taken big steps recently - reporting to Police, telling your friend, asking for help on here and contacting WA. I bet you didn't think all those were possible a week ago so be proud of what you've achieved. Baby steps but you'll get there. Xxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 20/02/2015 00:50

Actually not baby steps, they're massive steps! Take one day at a time though. Xxx

tipsytrifle · 20/02/2015 09:38

oh wow Free you took a huge step towards taking charge of your situation.

It's all too easy to feel that life is only ever going to offer you shit. Many people have lives full of bad luck and bad people. Truth is, if you're a really really nice, gentle soul the nasties tend to be attracted. Maybe this is your time to break the pattern life's been offering you so far? The time to say "NO" to anything and anyone that doesn't love you as you truly deserve to be loved.

You don't ever deserve to be abused and no-one ever has the right to abuse you.

I'm so proud of you for calling Women's Aid Flowers Now that you have made first contact and they have said they will help you plan, perhaps you'll be able to talk a little more freely Free

So so proud of you!!!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2015 15:18

Glad you're getting some help. You've clearly had a lot of upsetting things happen to you and it's tempting to think that a) you're only ever destined to have a bad time and b) this doesn't happen to anyone else. Keep reaching out for help and try to stay positive. The more you do that, the better your life will get.

ilovelamp82 · 20/02/2015 17:30

Well done OP. Great first step. Things will get better. One day at a time.

Smooshface · 20/02/2015 20:20

Glad you called women's aid, great step Smile
Maybe get to see you gp tomorrow? Get some help from them.

Original poster
Freeflying · 20/02/2015 20:58

Someone keeps buzzing the door again and someone knocked earlier and I need to call the police

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Balders74 · 20/02/2015 22:02

Have you called the police? Did your friend bring your DD home?

I hope you've eaten something, it will give you some strength. CakeFlowers

weedinthepool · 20/02/2015 22:21

Free please phone the police. Have you heard from them re charges, bail etc?

I have been in your shoes. I too have had a rough childhood and a series of people shitting on me from a great height. You are not alone, bad things have happened to you but it isn't because you deserve it or attract it. Abusers are great at picking out the vulnerable. I know I sound really harsh but if you don't start taking protective actions for yourself you are placing yourself in severe danger. You HAVE to get control of your life. I was just like you after I was raped. I couldn't decide if I wanted tea or coffee. I just sat staring at walls for days. I couldn't even say the word rape, I didn't really admit it to myself. The posters on here helped me through it & I have a range of professionals around me now helping & supporting me. You have to get the ball rolling though and seek out their help. Come on OP you can do this. Don't let him win.

Original poster
Freeflying · 20/02/2015 22:43

I just feel defeated, they have already won, all of them. Dd is here she's sleepimg and I just love her so much but I am always going to be shit. I didn't call the police it stopped buzzing I don't know what happened. The officer said he has been bailed until court but he's on conditional bail or something. I'm exhausted. I don't know how to function and I miss him which makes me feel like a completely stupid bitch. I spoke to womens aid and she was nice but really I don't know what else I can do now. I don't know

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weedinthepool · 20/02/2015 22:53

They haven't won! You are still here. You are your DD's most important person. She needs you.

It is exhausting. It really is. The emotional trauma makes your brain just want to shut down because that is what it is, traumatised. Look at my thread I have just updated (it says After 9 years I have finally got out) I am a right mess on it!

You are not shit. You will get through this. You don't know what to do & you miss him yes? Exactly how I felt! But he raped you yes, so why would you miss him? Exactly what I thought but I did miss him. Google traumatic bonding. You miss him because you had to make him the centre of everything to survive.

You can't believe that this has happened to you before & you've let it happen again? Yep, tick. Exactly what I felt. You didn't do it though. They did. It's their fault. They are the fucked up ones!

Please keep posting & talking. It really helps.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 20/02/2015 23:01

Call the police the second you think he's anywhere near you or your flat. He's on conditional bail for a reason.

Thevirginmummy1 · 21/02/2015 07:36

Conditional bail means he has conditions which he can be arrested for if he breaches them. The likely conditions are for him not to contact you and not go near your address. Please check this with the Officer dealing with it. Either way you should call the Police when you think it is him ringing your doorbell. What makes you think he has won? You're now safe in your home with your beautiful DD and you are taking control of your lives again. The fact you're finding it hard but are still doing it only demonstrates just how strong you are. Discuss your concerns about Court etc with WA or the Police or on here - many will be able to help. Stay strong, you're doing brilliantly. Xxx

tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 12:41

Free you absolutely have to wake up, sweetheart. You have to be able to phone the police. Clearly you have spoken with them recently to learn about his bail conditions.

You need to be able to respond when there are knockings or buzzing at your door. You need to know who it is for a start. It might be police checking up on your well-being. Ideally you need a spy-glass in your door.

You have to be able to get through a day knowing what has happened. Are you on medication of any kind?

No-one has "won". Who do you mean by "they"?

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 14:03

I'm on anti depressants thats all I am trying I really am. But it feels like all the people who abused me- my foster brother and my two partners- have won now because I feel so incapable

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tipsytrifle · 21/02/2015 14:18

It's ok, Free. It may well be that the anti depressants are preventing you from being as proactive as you could do with being. You've been betrayed and abused by 3 important men in your life.

They haven't won because you have excluded them from your life. You did that. You won. There are some battles to be fought to finish getting rid of this last one.

It's unfair that the tablets can numb you down so that you feel incapable. You clearly ARE capable but also a bit foggy from the meds and also from trauma. I wonder if there are other tablets that would work better? Though it's a cumulative thing and a long process to change, I think.

You need loads of support to recover and could maybe do with being a little more insistent on that help being made available to you. I have a feeling that you've been given tablets and left to it, though I might be wrong.

BUT first things first. You need to ring the police if he is at your door. You might think about asking your health visitor for some active help with DD, with lock changing and security and with looking after you too!

You ARE fighting back, Free. I believe that whole heartedly. I get annoyed and frustrated because I don't think you have the real life back-up that you need.

Original poster
Freeflying · 21/02/2015 14:23

I've been on them since I was 15 and I'm 26 now
I just want to run away and I don't know what to do. My health visitor came once when Dd was born then nothing since

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