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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Arguing again

449 replies

Freeflying · 12/02/2015 19:40

I posted a couple of nights ago because I was feeling anxious after my partner had been angry with me. It has escalated from there and I don't even know what to do now, I am feeling scared and tired and it was just too much this time. It's like history repeating itself I was in an abusive relationship for 6 years before this one and i don't think I can do this.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know why I'm posting this, but I feel so scared and alone

OP posts:
weedinthepool · 25/02/2015 17:12

How are you OP?

Is the dv officer an isva? Independent sexual violence advisor? Talk to them about the charges & police etc. They will give you a clearer picture of the different paths you can take. I TOTALLY get why you don't want to pursue prosecution, I haven't but you might find talking it through with an isva helpful.

Hope you are managing to eat & sleep. IN my experience community mental health teams are way more supportive with mental health issues so your GP's referral is a good thing. Take care x

Thevirginmummy1 · 25/02/2015 17:13

How you doing Free? Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 25/02/2015 20:06

I am completely shit I can't do anything. My friend is having Dd overnight. I feel like I've fallen apart. I don't know what's going on . I told the officer I want to drop charges and she said she's coming to see me tomorrow but she can't make me do anything I don't really understand what I am doing. I have been trying to read and make sense of all everyone has said all day but I can't really understand. I have taken my medicine for panic attack to calm me down, but I don't know anymore. I'm sorry everyone

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 25/02/2015 21:13

You're not shit you're understandably confused and under immense pressure. I know this is unlikely to happen but please try to put it out of your mind tonight. Try to get some food and some sleep. Tomorrow you can have a good chat with the DV Officer and she might be able to answer some of your questions.

It's entirely up to you what you do but it would be best if you can make your decision based on all the facts and with a clear (ish) head. I would say talk to the Officer and find out when she needs a decision by. Get her to write down anything you're likely to forget.

You're doing so well hon. Don't let this pressure and confusion set you back. Remember we're here and so are the Samaritans and Women's Aid. Make use of us all. Xxx

Thevirginmummy1 · 26/02/2015 06:18

How's your night been Free? Xxx

weedinthepool · 26/02/2015 08:39

I'm glad the Dv woman is coming to speak to you. I think face to face talking will really help. I don't want to tell you what to do but what if you try to be really really honest today with her? Tell her all your feelings, your fears etc. I know it will be hard but she's heard it all before & she will be able to unpick things and make a manageable plan with you.

I think you are experiencing Ptsd, again I'm not telling you what to do but an option is to tell the Community mental health team exactly what you have been putting here or show them this thread.

You are not shit. You are overwhelmed. It us completely understandable given what you have been through. Take care of yourself today and please don't apologise we are all posting here because we want to. We don't need to hear you are sorry when you are not causing us any harm at all. I'm a big 'sorrier' too Flowers

tipsytrifle · 26/02/2015 20:48

Free how has the day been? Did the DV woman come out to you?

Thevirginmummy1 · 26/02/2015 21:30

How you doing hon? Let us know you're ok. Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 27/02/2015 12:48

Hey I am ok I haven't beek well but I feel a bit better today. I have been referred to victim support I spoke to a woman there and she said they are going to refer me for counselling with rape crisis people. I still don't really understand what's happeninh but I think his court date is the 18th March but I don't know if I'm right about that because my brain is really fuzzy. The dv woman said she has refered me to social services to see if I need help with dd but I don't want to see them

OP posts:
weedinthepool · 27/02/2015 14:21

Sorry to hear you have been poorly. The referral to rape crisis is a good thing. I am getting counselling from them and they are looking at the childhood stuff too. I'm finding it so valuable. Glad things are happening.

I know it might seem to you that getting children's social care involved is a bad thing but I can tell you one thing; they are not going to remove your Dd. They will be looking at your dd and her welfare so they can support you to provide the best parenting you can & keep her as safe as possible through this monumental crisis. I know it is hard but try not to see them as a threat but as a support service.

Take care free

Thevirginmummy1 · 27/02/2015 16:32

Wrote a post earlier but for some reason it's not here. I agree with everything the above poster says. Also don't panic too much about the first court date. I would think it's more of a formality than anything actually happening. After that you should be contacted by the Witness Care Service who will be able to advise you what happens next. Don't forget to get contact details for people.

How did you get on with the DV Worker? How are you feeling today? Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 27/02/2015 17:34

The dv worker was fine I just feel numb. She mentioned dd might need temporary foster care while I get over this bit she mentioned trauma and something but I don't know I can't lose my baby

OP posts:
Original poster
Freeflying · 27/02/2015 20:47

Please I need someone to hold my hand

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 27/02/2015 21:22

holding your hand

Original poster
Freeflying · 27/02/2015 21:34

Thank you tipsy xx

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 27/02/2015 21:50

Today's been rough, hey? Worthwhile too. People are seeing that you need support xx

tipsytrifle · 27/02/2015 21:55

I don't think you will lose your baby. They might be thinking you have post traumatic shock syndrome. I agree on that.

Temporary foster care would be just that. But you could ask them to offer you more in-home care though if this is not right with you.

Thevirginmummy1 · 27/02/2015 22:49

Oh you poor thing. That sort of statement would worry me too.

I honestly don't think you have anything to worry about though. You are getting more and more support each day, you have actively sought help (GP, Police, Women's Aid etc) your baby is loved and well cared for and you are getting stronger by the day (although you probably don't believe it you really do seem to be).

You will probably be allocated a Social Worker who will come and visit to assess your situation and see what support can be offered. Social Care genuinely don't want to be removing children from their parent's. Aside from anything there is a lack of foster carers for the children who do need them so they don't want to be removing a child from a loving home even if the Mum is experiencing some difficulties.

I would suggest having your friend there when Social Care visit. Not for any sinister reason but you're clearly scared and are having problems with processing some information. Your friend can be another set of ears and brain and can remember and process the information that you can't at the moment. Is it worth asking her if she could commit to having your DD overnight once a week/fortnight? That will give you a regular break (which EVERY parent needs). Do you use childcare at all? You've mentioned working so I assume something is in place but don't know if you are in a position to use it while you are off work. That is something else that could be considered to give you a break.

I don't think the DV Officer was right to tell you that temporary foster care might be considered. She is not in a position to speak on behalf of Social Care and can't possibly know what they might consider. It is for a Social Worker to discuss with you. Sometimes temporary foster care is OFFERED as an option for you to take or refuse but actually forcing a parent to place their child in the care system is not that simple and is not a decision to be taken lightly. Was it something that the worker said in passing or did she say it (hopefully not) as a way of getting you to continue to press charges?

I would think that someone from Social Care will be in touch with you on Mon or Tue (standard procedure) so I know you'll be anxious over the weekend but please try not to be. Here to hold your hand whenever you need it.

Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 28/02/2015 00:40

I'm sorry I'm really not together at the minute. I will try to make sense of your messages, but I can't really understand anything right now. Thank you so much your support is so valued

OP posts:
Thevirginmummy1 · 28/02/2015 05:55

Just take your time hon. Please make sure you speak to your friend though, I'm sure she can help. Show her this thread if you think it might be useful. Hope you've had some sleep. Xxx

weedinthepool · 28/02/2015 09:30

The Dv officer would not be able to assess whether your Dd should or should not go into temp foster care. That is a social workers job, however if she thinks you have PTSD (which from the very little you are posting seems likely) she may have mentioned it as a supportive action. As pp said if you can get your friend there with you, social care will see your friend & your willingness to seek out help as a protective factor. Be kind & take care of yourself x

Original poster
Freeflying · 28/02/2015 11:06

It's all way too mych to cope with. I'm sorry

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tipsytrifle · 28/02/2015 12:28

The help you need is being sorted out Free. Try to slow your anxiety down a bit. Someone earlier posted a you tube video that had some breathing techniques for relaxation. You might try something like that?

It's the w/e, you have your DD with you and help will start coming in next week I expect. Just try to stay calm and safe and enjoy each others' company.

Thevirginmummy1 · 28/02/2015 14:05

As tipsy says, just try to relax and enjoy the weekend with your DD. Nothing will change or progress until Mon at least and then you should be getting support. Xxx

Original poster
Freeflying · 28/02/2015 14:11

Dd feels very hot to me and I can't find the thermometer she seems ok otherwise but I'm not sure what to do

OP posts: