is he lying???

[confusedmum74]

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

The abuse...if that's what it is has def started ramping up I guess....in the past he has once had a go about my diet n the fact that I don't eat a great deal ( under a lot of stress ) but when I do its the wrong things apparently n I drink fizzy drinks which are bad for me ... so since fri tho hes had a massive go at me for the diet, the sky deal, us getting up late thur so therefore I hadnt made any lunch n he hadnt got any money and would 'starve' all day....and made me feel stupid when I was trying to offer suggestions when he was on internet banking trying to work out why he had no money ... he then hrs later found out my suggestion was actually why!

he just phoned to say night as hes going to bed as was on call all night last night n knackered....his words were....I called to say night n I love u and u still sound bloody miserable so I cant win...
I said todays events on top of the last week have made me miserable and I'm not gonna blow smoke up his arse n pretend different....told him I have nothing else to say as my head is reeling too much I hope he has a good sleep and a good valentines day as ive decided to spend mine having an early night with my daughter....

Good on you OP, let's see what Mr Bigshot makes of that. :)

yeah we'll see.... I'm gonna go for the silent treatment approach tomorrow n hope it makes him think....
feel so emotionally battered by it all he knows I'm having a bad time atm anyway ( just had to get a harrasment order on my own mum to keep her away from me n my daughter ) n he piles all this crap on top too....sorry for moaning ladies some people just boggle my head with their lack of consideration....

How old is your daughter, what does she make of him? I'm experienced in relationship let downs! He sounds like a very angry person who likes to put you down. You need someone positive, who has little issues. Someone who compliments you, someone who doesn't run off at the first sign of trouble.
How old is he?

my daughter is only 20 months...she likes him as he makes her laugh ( thats what I used to love most about him too he used to have me in stitches every single day ) .... hes 35 I'm 33 x

Does he drink every day?
I had a very similar relationship a few years back. He finished it, I was devastated but soon realised it was for the best, wish I'd done it first. We were so different. You're not happy, maybe you'd be happier without him in the long run?

Oh no. This makes me so sad. I tried to be so chilled with my responses at first, giving him the benefit of the doubt.

But your latest responses make me scared for you.

I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship and it broke me for so long. I spent so long trying to do anything I could to please him. Then I started making excuses for his behaviour. But it got to a point where I dreaded seeing him, but was still petrified of losing him.

I'm genuinely scared that you'll stay with this guy and he'll continue to beat you down emotionally. You do not deserve this.

sorry that was meant to say 30 months...2 n a half basically ... too young to realise what a twat he is anyway!

Well done OP, for taking back some control and keeping your distance tomorrow. You sound abolutely lovely and it's so sad to read of you putting up with such dreadful treatment. You deserve so much more and it sounds as if you might benefit from external help to help you move on with some of the legacy of your Mum's behaviour.
Stay strong and start to believe you are worth so much more than this.
Best of luck

Could I suggest the silent treatment approach for the rest of eternity? I honestly don't think it's lack of consideration or that he needs to think. He has been really, really horrible to you and someone who could be that horrible when you are already struggling must be a fundamentally horrible person and is not going to magically become unhorrible whatever you do.

@loveyoutothemoon....no he doesnt drink that often at all...maybe a couple of beers if hes here at the weekend etc but not to excess however when he goes out with his mates they r like a bunch of kids that egg each other on to drink to the point of passing out

Used to? It shouldn't have changed that much in two years. 35, still young, some men are still quite childish at this age. Give eachother space, don't see him for at least a few days, give eachother time to think. If he's still the same, make some decisions.

Sounds like he's got some kind of issues, like he's battling something, not just the fags.
My ex used to turn up at 9pm expecting me to be happy, and when i raised the issue he's say I was needy. Could it be that you differ with what you expect in a relationship?

@tokenginger...I too have been in an abusive relationship before ( both emotionally and physically ) and thought id be able to spot the warning signs of another a mile off....honestly until up to fri I have never seen any behaviour that's made me think alarm bells....inconsideration yes but not stuff like this all over such stupid crap that as people have commented should be of no concern to him anyway like bloody sky! we dont live together/share finances and I have never asked to borrow money off him or said im struggling with cash and work hard for my money so im baffled why he has such a problem with everything I do atm :(

@loveYou. ...he does exactly the same says we can spend the night together turns up at 9pm earliest n then goes I'm here now whats the problem..

@cashmere....thank you....its all very hard to deal with all at once and just adds to the worthless/cant do anything right feeling my mum has dragged me into for years....
its enormously helpful having people on here to talk to as like I said I havent got many people in RL .... the kindness of strangers astounds me and I cant thank u all enough

It's a great support! I like to help as I've been through messy relationships myself. I'm 37. I split from my daughters dad, nearly 3 years ago, had a few relationships since. And I can honestly say, I feel more settled now than I have ever been.
Do what you feel is right. Happiness and contentness (is that a word?!) is the best feeling ever. You deserve that.
Don't put up with being put down x

What did you like about him when you met? Do you feel this wasn't the real him now?

yeah it is I hope to search the boards and be of support to someone else too if I can although I'm not sure what as Im clearly such a weak person :( id like to give a bit back tho....I had to get the harassment order on my mum for my own sanity as it was felt by many family members she was hell bent on pushing me to the point of a breakdown...he said this too and I confirmed that I would not let her beat me...feels like he has jumped on her bandwagon too now tho! x

he made me laugh I mean howling laughing every single conversation....we got on so well and could/would chat for hours every night about nothing in particular just crap but felt so easy like chatting to your best mate
I was massively attracted to him physically too and always have felt like maybe I'm punching above my weight although hes always said thats not true
and the fact that I just felt so at ease in his company it was just fun he made me feel alive again if that made sense as we would do silly things to have a laugh etc....
ive forgotten all these things in tje past week...writing them all down makes me realise just how much I personally feel hes changed since last weekend x

I'm sorry about your mum. Maybe he wants a relationship but not the tricky bits? Physical attraction is important but sustaining the relationship is aswell.
Sounds like you need a big confidence boost, you sound very down on yourself and insecure, but you sound lovely.
Have some time apart and then, sit down and talk, tell him what you've told me, be brutally honest, tell him it's making you feel down. x

thank you....feel like ive created a monster a bit by showing him so much love caring too much and spoiling him all the time ( not money wise ) to make him feel wanted and loved....its backfired big time! x

You haven't caused his behaviour.

I agree - you have not caused this behaviour.

A partner who respected you would relish in your love and affection, but would equally give you back the same.

You make an interesting point about the punching above your weight thing... That's 100% not true, but if you've said that to him, he likely plays on this knowing he can push things further, because he'll think, "she can't get better than me".

But you can. I promise.