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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 16:26

@duckdaemon...like I said he stays normally twice a week one of those nights I cook and buy the ingredients the other he cooks and pays for the ingredients....im quite certain he did forget his bankcard as he was panicking he had lost it rather than just left it at home....maybe I shouldn't have given him any money ( thats the 1st time in 2yrs ive ever leant him any ) but I do love him n would hate the thought of him having nothing to eat all day...

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 12/02/2015 16:33

Fair enough. Nothing wrong with lending him money per se, just concerned that he didn't seem to appreciate it/you!

OuchLegoHurts · 12/02/2015 17:12

Why wouldn't he take you out for dinner on Valentines Night?????

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 17:33

hes not taking me out for dinner as I have my daughter and can't get a baby sitter. .

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 12/02/2015 18:11

Hmmm the word cocklodger springs to mind Sad

babbityann · 12/02/2015 18:36

Why do you keep making excuses OP? If he cared about you he would make an effort not just on Valentine's day, but in general.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 18:45

I didn't realise I was making excuses? I was asked why he's not taking me out for a meal on Valentine's night and the answer is because I cant get a baby sitter I'm not sure how that is excusing his behaviour???

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 18:51

babb, leave it

you may not agree with OP's willingness to keep trying but the fact is that for now she is

just leave the thread if it bothers you that much, you've made your point

GinSoakedBitchyPony · 12/02/2015 18:53

Another question. Actually I've asked it earlier but I'm very curious.
This week, your posts have described some very off behaviour on the part of your bf. Is he always like this or has this only started since weekend?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 18:53

thanks anyfucker :) ....always someone willing to kick u when ur down isnt there!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/02/2015 18:55

I don't think babb is trying to kick you, love. It is very frustrating to see anybody accept as little as you are willing to do. But as much as I would like to head over to your house, throw you over my shoulder and get you away from this twat, that isn't going to happen Smile

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 18:56

he acts offish when hes under stress but hes been worse since the weekend and as far as I know theres nothing up with him he says everything is fine n hes not acting different

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2015 18:57

Hello OP. Hope you're OK

No, there is certainly no contract that obliges you to immediataley do the bidding of MN so take no notice of babbity who seems to have had an empathy bypass

You came here to gain some clarity. It seems like you certainly have got that and are workingyour way throughyour feelings wth your eyes a little more open. That is a great thing in itself.

FWIW I am two years into a relationship as well. It's notthe hard work that you describe. Just FWIW.

Thanks
BitOutOfPractice · 12/02/2015 18:59

FWIW I agree that I think something happened on Saturday night and that's why he's acting strangly and that either consciously or unconsciously he's trying to drive you away. I think you had worked that out for yourself

ptumbi · 12/02/2015 19:03

OP - you have obv learned this behaviour from your EA mum! She prob wanted you to toe the line and STFU and do what she wanted - and this guy is doing the same. Some people can smell a vulnerable person a mile away, and (not insinuating you smell!Grin) but he has probably sussed that you are, a bit, needy? Ready to please? Happy to put up with shit? Low expectations? Some people actively seek out vulnerable people to do their bidding and yes, put up and shut up. Because you don't know/didn't learn growing up that there is better.
Try the Freedom Program. It can be done online,and is a real eye-opener for abused people. It shows how to help yourself.

And BTW you don't need to justify yourself to anyone on here. this is your life, and if certain posters don't think you are doing something about it quick enough,that's their problem. Keep posting, so we can help you.

JenniferGovernment · 12/02/2015 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

babbityann · 12/02/2015 20:02

Gosh! Who knows what is really going on! You present as a doromat OP but we don't know your partner's side to the story or, indeed, your daughter's and how she copes with this situation.
But the bottom line is, 'he is just not that into you '.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 21:18

@bitoutofpractice....thank u...I have been worried something happened yes he refuses to admit hes been acting different and I will never know one way or the other...its a bit gutting really as the one thing I thought was that he wouldnt cheat...yeah hes a bit emotionally selfish n not romantic at all but I thought we had the same views on cheating and a mutual respect for each other that there is never a reason to cheat n if u don't want to be with someone dont u don't have to go down that road..

@ptumbi....Thanks for your support...yes my mum is awful n has always made me belive I'm worth nothing apart from her emotional punchbag

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 21:21

@babbityann....do u just pick at others when they are down for your own pleasure???
maybe u should start a thread about why you feel the need to stick the knife in and we can all comment on that??

OP posts:
TastelesslyDone · 12/02/2015 22:11

Hiya OP,

I've just had a read of the thread and, as with many other posters here, feel bad for you and your situation. One thing to note: you asked if your guy was lying. You've had good advice to speak with him and try to get closure on that as it's important to you, but he won't engage.

It's worth thinking about that - the one thing that started all of this off is still hanging in the air and it's pretty clear you're highly unlikely ever to get an answer to that.

Please don't let that form into a pattern of behaviour you're willing to put up with 'cos, though I'm no expert, it sure doesn't sound like a healthy and happy way to live.

Still, I'm just a random bloke with no real vested interest in your life, and it's down to you to choose how you live it.

Good luck with everything, and give your DD a cuddle (though perhaps don't mention that some weirdo off the internet put you up to it!).

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 22:37

@tastelessly....yeah id love closure on Fri night so I could move past it but ur right I dont think im ever going to get it.. really hope this doesnt become a pattern
thank u for being kind

OP posts:
babbityann · 12/02/2015 23:09

confused, I am not picking on you. I am pointing out what appears to be the truth of the situation based on the information you have provided.
Only you can change things. Getting sympathy from strangers on a forum (who don't actually really know the situation) is not helping you at all. You don't like hard facts but you need to achknowledge them in order to break the chain/pattern.
Good luck.
I won't post again as I am aware I am upsetting you but do have a think about the example you are setting your daughter.

Beaglebaby · 12/02/2015 23:12

Sorry I don't have time to read the whole thread but just read your posts. Doesn't sound like cheating to me, but definitely something he's hiding. I just think if you were going to cheat 'discreetly', being uncontactable until 8pm isn't very discreet. Could it have been a drugs bender at a mates? Up all night and some of the morning then sleeping rest of the day? Still at it lunchtime, went home, put his phone on charge which is when your what's apps got delivered. Then realised that he couldn't speak to you in that state/needed sleep so turned phone off. I know a few people who are completely off radar in this situ, and are not really thinking of others' feelings. Then he has maybe realised that he can't tell you this, depending on your views. Has since suffered from mid-week come down hence his grumpiness. Not an excuse for his behaviour this week, but perhaps an explanation.

aneesa28 · 12/02/2015 23:30

Sometimes people just need reassurance that they're not going crazy, simply hearing others in agreement with your perspective can keep you focused and sane.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 12/02/2015 23:50

@aneesa exactly! I have spoken to him tonight n feel slightly better about things largely down to him seeming more like the old him tonight...

OP posts:
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