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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 23:45

I'm not even so sure anything "dodgy" did happen that night maybe he just couldnt be arsed with me....
I dont think he thinks hes done anything wrong....in his head that incident is over a week ago now hes said hes sorry why am I still going on about it etc....hes said nothings changed he loves me so why am I still pressing the issue that some things changed...
obv this isnt how I think but I think thats what he thinks so in his head hes not gonna keep going over the same old crap time n time again just to reassure me

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 23:48

Perhaps nothing dodgy did happen, but as I said, he has made it look like that to drive you to this state.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 23:53

intentionally create a situation where I get all insecure/needy and annoying????

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 23:54

I think you are past the point about whether something dodgy happened that night, or not

it is his continued behaviour towards you that is the problem

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 23:56

You're right...id still love to know tho as that night seems to have been the catalyst for everything going wrong...I know I never will tho x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 00:09

It's true you never will, so judge him on the way he is treating you now. Is it making you happy ? Is it making you feel secure ? Is it making you feel that he has your best interests at heart ?

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 00:16

no, no and no not really :(

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 00:17
Sad
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 00:20

urghh feel so bloody consumed by this I can hardly function how pathetic eh! feel cross at myself now like I should pull myself together n get some courage but its hard

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 00:22

I can see that, love

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 00:38

Sorry I know it must be annoying I'm even annoying myself now lol x

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2015 00:43

You're far from pathetic, Confused. And I think you've been extremely courageous so far.

This bloke sounds like a grade a wankbadger. AF is right - he should be making you happy, feel secure and feel that he has your best interests at heart. That's what a normal relationship should be.

I may be reading too much into this, and/or it may have been mentioned already, but if you've had difficulties with your mother then it may be that you've spent a significant amount of your life being conditioned into accepting shitty behaviour.

But here's the thing: you don't have to. You deserve more. You deserve better. And you know what? You can have a much, much happier life with someone who deserves you.

Please don't settle for this cockwomble.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 00:48

@ohfourfoxache (love the user name btw lol ) yes I think ur right about the mum thing that added to a husband that cheated/lied and was very violent and a subsequent partner I learnt quickly how to please and watched every word/step so he didn't kick off...
I genuinely thought when I met this one that he was kinda my reward for putting up with bad ones for so long IYSWIM? but obv not!
how can I get it so wrong so many times? :(

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2015 00:55

Quite easily, sweetheart Sad

Imagine that all you ever had to eat growing up was gruel. Nothing else. Day in, day out, same old tasteless shit.

Then someone one day gave you cornflakes. Now this would be a huge, amazing treat, wouldn't it? And you'd count yourself lucky, because there was something nicer than the shit you'd put up with all your life.

now is the time to go in search of chocolate. It's out there, you just need to be brave enough to say no to the cornflakes.

Ok, so that's a really abstract way of looking at it, but it's very, very easy to see how you can keep "going wrong" when you have nothing really decent to compare it to. Each one may be a "bit better", but you've not found your Green and Blacks yet.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 01:03

That made me cry lol...not ur fault just sad that life has actually been like that! just swapping one type of abuse for another but all the time thinking ive done well for myself this time! ..what a fool lol x

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 01:04

That made me cry lol...not ur fault just sad that life has actually been like that! just swapping one type of abuse for another but all the time thinking ive done well for myself this time! ..what a fool lol x

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 16/02/2015 01:14

just to make u all laugh ive just recieved a msg asking will I still ring him at 7am and keep trying if he doesnt answer as hes worried he will sleep thru his alarm n be late for work! he knows I'm off work tomorrow n don't have to be up at 7am for once....what a pisstake n damn stupid whatssap showing that I have read the msg I have been pretending to be asleep for his previous ones lol x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 01:23

Great posts, fox Thanks

AnyFucker · 16/02/2015 01:25

message him back with a simple "stop taking me for a fool, I am not your personal wake up call, get the fuck up by yourself"

selfish tosser

Ohfourfoxache · 16/02/2015 01:57

Jesus Christ what an entitled prick! Shock

Sweetheart you are not a fool, and don't you dare let anyone tell you any different. This is not your fault. This is what you have been conditioned into accepting all your life. I'm so sorry I made you cry Sad not intentional, I promise Sad But please, please believe me (well, all of us actually) when we tell you that you're worth more. Sometimes it's easier to say what's "normal" when you're outside of a situation looking in.

If I was to say to you that it's normal to make a cuppa by pouring the hot water over your hand then into the cup, what would you say? I'd guess it would be along the lines of "don't be so bloody stupid, you can have a cuppa without being hurt each time". But if I've done that all my life then, for me, that's normal. It's how it's always been done, and unless I experience pouring it directly into the cup then I'm not going to see another way.

This is the situation you're in. This is not - I repeat NOT - your fault. And you are certainly no fool. How on earth are you expected to know something you've not experienced? How are you to know that something you've always accepted as "normal" is in fact not "normal"?

Please, please do not be hard on yourself. I cannot tell you just how not to blame you are for any of this. Reading your posts, you seem very willing to be overly critical of yourself. Taking blame for the behaviour of others onto your shoulders. You need to stop. You are not responsible for the behaviour of others - you are only responsible for how you react to that behaviour.

Thanks AF Blush - listen to AF, Confused - she doesn't take shit from anyone, tells it like it is and isn't afraid to do so! (She and others helped my DSis to see an abusive relationship for what it was. Amazing how strangers on t'internet can sometimes see through bullshit Grin )

Duckdeamon · 16/02/2015 06:56

So what if whatsap showed him you read the (ridiculous) message, really hope you didn't do as he asked, even if it were a morning when you would be up its an unreasonable request. If he gets arsey just say what AF said: that would be a further incident of him behaving like a dick to take into account as you consider the future!

loveyoutothemoon · 16/02/2015 07:03

His alarm will be going off right now...I really hope you are getting that lovely lie in and you haven't woken him up. He's unbelievable!

ptumbi · 16/02/2015 08:22

OP - I agree with dinosaurs. He is behaving badly to make you finish with him - after all, if he's a prick, you wouldn't want to be with him, right Hmm So he's a prick, and an abusive one at that. should be easy for you to finish with him, right? Then he can go off with a clear conscience, because you wanted to end it.... Give him wnat he wants.
Re 'that night' - it doesn't matter what happened or didn't happen; the fact is that he went off and did his own thing without a single thought for you. Whether he was screwing around, or taking drugs, or just drinking with mates - he had NO thought for you.

And I really hope you didn't phone him at 7am. Cheeky fecker.

aneesa28 · 16/02/2015 09:45

Change your privacy settings on Whatsapp so that Last Seen is set to Nobody. Beyond that, the two ticks simply mean that the message has been delivered and does not indicate whether or not it has been read.

JeanSeberg · 16/02/2015 10:11

Hopefully he was late for work and when asked why told them 'My girlfriend didn't get me up on time'.