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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he lying???

435 replies

confusedmum74 · 09/02/2015 19:04

hi I've been a lurker on these boards for ages reading all the brilliant advice but never posted but here goes...
my boyf and I have been together about 2 yrs and although we don't live together we are now planning to move in together and hopefully have a family I was all up for this until fri night but now I'm confused....he went out with his friends fri night , called me before he left all love u etc etc and said he would keep in touch or let me know he got back ok....This didnt happen which I wasnt too bothered about but then we were meant to ve spending the day together sat ( as I had been really upset friday about something unrelated ) anyway I couldn't get hold of him at all sat sent msgs tried his phone LOTS which was off strangely as he's normally got it in his hand constantly...I was meant to be cooking dinner for us and it was all prepared...he finally rang at 8pm saying something along the lines of left his phone at a mates blah blah blah n then he would be over in a couple of hrs even tho id been waiting for him all day worried! He turned up at 10pm n refused to talk about it ie ive said I'm sorry can we forget about it now etc but its really bothered me.... Some things he said don't seem to make sense but he won't talk about it...either he's lying or just couldn't give a toss how I feel.....I know no one can say for definete he is/isnt lying just someone to talk to would be good as he won't discuss it and me over thinking it is poss making it worse....

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 15:32

You can't change him, love

only he can do that

all you can do is decide what you will accept in a relationship and stick to it

Joysmum · 15/02/2015 15:34

Why do you think you can change him? This board is littered with many before you hoping the same thing.

TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 15:36

Sometimes we have to make our own mistakes to believe. Xx

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 16:37

Yeah I have spoken to him very briefly and had a couple of msgs... I miss the old him so much x

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 16:39

How are you feeling?

I can imagine you do :( It just seems so bizarre that this seems to have escalated in only a week. There has to be something underlying, it just doesn't make sense.

Has he any stresses with work, paying his rent? Anything that might go somewhere towards explaining the behaviour? Xx

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 16:40

that wasn't the "old" him, bnor the "real" him

that was the pretence he put on to get you dancing to his tune

now he has you there, he doesn't need to bother keeping it up

TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 16:40

AnyFucker - your posts are like Hallelujah moments. You talk so much sense! ??

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 16:44

and you are very kind, TG x

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 17:04

oh I was hoping it might be stress and the "old" him might come back if I back off for a while.....

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 17:06

Ah, sweetheart. You sound so much like I did in my last relationship.

There's no need for you to back off a little. You've done absolutely nothing that is unreasonable. We'd all be telling you if you'd done something wrong yourself.

The fact you feel you have to back off shows he's totally in control.

You sound like such a lovely person. It makes my blood boil when the nice ones get taken advantage of x

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 20:26

I just don't know whats changed the past week or so n why he seems so disinterested now....ive asked him n he says everything's fine n to stop being paranoid.....x

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 15/02/2015 20:27

Everything is fine for him whilst he's sat in power land. Bloody penis head!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/02/2015 20:35

You can't change him..

That is the bottom line. Giving him the "silent treatment " or changing how you are towards him to try to change him will not change him

You should be able to be yourself in a relationship and be treated with respect.

Someone got.it exactly right earlier. Relationships are meant to make you happy.

So he was nice at the start but not now. Well sorry but this will be the real him and you won't be going back to the start

I never rush to say LTB and I know it's not that easy but really you aren't in too deep at the moment and I fear for you if you committed more to this man.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 15/02/2015 20:36

The "old him" is not him.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 20:44

so what shall I do?? sat in tears....x

OP posts:
DinosaursStillExist · 15/02/2015 20:49

Confused, I've been following your post in the hope of offering something and found that i had nothing further to add to the advice everyone is giving you already but if you remember my post (the one about me being the one in the wrong) I said that I did the same and said the same as your 'd'p 're the Saturday night. I also said that I then started making crap excuses to weasel my way out of the relationship, making my then partner feel like shit. I really hoped this wouldn't happen with you but he's acting in the exact way I recognise from immature old me. Falling out and picking fights over nothing, making you feel like you're somehow in the wrong... it's all nasty. It's his way of never explaining himself to you, it's his way of making you feel like the bad guy for not knowing to do things exactly the way he wants and it's all ammo for when one of you finally gets fed up enough.

Please make your next move with only you and your dd in mind because he only had himself in his mind. Hope I don't sound like a prick, I just hate seeing you get hurt by him.

AnyFucker · 15/02/2015 20:54

We can't tell you what to do, love

but know this....you deserve better

BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 21:44

Oh, confused. Is this all worth the heartache, really?

Add up how many times you have been told you deserve better on here. You sound lovely, you really do and I don't hear anything from you that makes me think he deserves you.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 22:04

he says nothing has changed n he doesnt know what I'm worrying about ... we used to talk for hours n hours on the phone every single night n havent in a while but he says that is just coz its hard to find things to say when we speak so much n so often....I think I'm just blagging his head now by moaning all the time hence y would u want to speak to someone thats moaning...its not fun! x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 22:25

I think you need to step back a bit, get some space, don't have contact for a while. See what happens. You need to clear your head confused.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 22:36

yeah ur right ... Im struggling tho missing him ( or the old him ) and desperate for reassurance from him that I dont think I'm gonna get.... I just feel like a pest to him now :( x

OP posts:
Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 22:57

just wanted to add thank u to all the people who have replied to me....I know my problem is not sorted yet as I havent been strong enough to do it but I do appreciate ur advice and I would have found the last few days so much harder without being able to chat on here x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 23:18

I hope you find some resolution soon confused. You must feel like you are living in hell? :(

No way to live, life is too short.

Original poster
confusedmum74 · 15/02/2015 23:32

@buzzard...it does feel a bit like that yeah :( feel so needy n insecure which is not a feeling I'm used to or like at all x

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 15/02/2015 23:38

His constant ignoring your insecurities is making you feel that way. He keeps blocking your questions.

If it were me I would sit him down and tell him he has one last chance to explain everything to your satisfaction or he can do one. He hasn't bothered to even lie to you because he cannot think of anything plausible...or even worse, he is enjoying you feeling this way and has deliberately created this whole thing just to make you feel this way.

Bad either way. I think you need to get tough for your own sanity.

You have nothing to lose really.