Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

[messyoldmess]

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

Thanks, Freckle, that is quite reassuring to hear.

Tribpot - I don't know that he is making me ill as such, it's just that sometimes the stress of it all overtakes me & I feel like I can't cope anymore.
I was like this yesterday morning, as I just couldn't stop crying & thinking very negative thoughts.
I managed to pull myself together for work, but my colleagues asked if I was ill because my eyes were so red! (This was at lunchtime!)
My HV gets updated everytime she visits. She last came 2 weeks ago & is visiting next on the 22nd.

Yes but he's contributing to the stress of it all by refusing to move out - and the more he acts like a tosser the more stressed you are (since that's his intention).

Oh, he is 100% contributing to my stress, tribpot, without a doubt.
He is also still making me think bad things about myself.
I have pre-warned him that I am soon to be starting the divorce process, so to expect a letter.

MOM, I spilt red wine on the living room carpet tonight, was most annoyed with myself and contemplated shouting at myself in the manner of your H. But in the end decided it wasn't that bad and let myself off

hi mom i'm sorry you feeling low x

re the non-payment of mortgage. dp went through a (what turned out to be messy) divorce and the mortgage payments weren't met by either of them and, as a result (she had moved out and had loads of bfs [literally]) the house was lost and the bank insisted that the remainder of the mortgage be paid off first before any further division of assets took place. if any law-types on here know different, please correct me but this happened this way for my dp so only think it will happen this way for mom.

fwiw mom, when i am stressed, dd also acts up and i do find myself shouting at her as well and it does make me feel really bad. when i have calmed down a little bit i try and apologise to her and give her a cuddle and kiss so she knows that i still love her, which i suspect your boy knows too - he is just reacting to the situation but not quite sure how to handle it because he is only young. you are doing the best thing by putting an end to the situation you both find yourselves in, even if it is too protracted for your liking! it may take some time or it may be quicker than you expect but he main thing is that you and your boy will come through it- perhaps a little battle scarred which will take time to recover from but you will recover. and one day you will turn round and look in the mirror say to yourself (because the men in white coats have given you special dispensation) "i have come through and my little boy has come through and the only way now is onwards" after that you will trun round and say "i have done it!" and mom that day will come.

as for being on mn too much, dp says that to me but i say to him "well, if i could talk to you about girly stuff....." and leave it at that

(((((((((hugs)))))))))

I always feel terrible when I shout at the boys, FM, & I do apologise.
I feel awful & I feel I am a failure of a mother. H knows how much this upsets me, & him confirming how bad I am, hit me hard.
I normally stay downstairs out of H's way in the evening, but the other night I was sat in the lounge. He was watching some rubbish on the TV, & I sat on the sofa with my laptop.
He told me that the pc was to blame for everything & said "Look at you with the laptop next to you! You are not right in the head!"
He also said all the other stuff & I ended up in a real state, which continued through to the following morning.
It's not so much that he is being horrible, but more that he can have me feeling like a waste of skin, & this is why I got in such a state.

I took the boys to a firework display last night with my sister & BIL, & stayed at their house after.
It felt a little odd as this was the first year that H hasn't joined us, but we did have quite a nice night.
I had quite a long talk to my sister about everything when we got back. She told me that mum is saying that her friends all think I am a fool!
H is on nights tonight, so I have some peace

Oh but MOM you aren't a bad mother, H was 'confirming' that in order to hurt you. Of course he succeeded, he wouldn't have been able to dominate you for years if he didn't know how to push your buttons.

Please don't believe anything he says about you. And frankly, please start divorce proceedings and bring forward the day when you can be shot of this horrible man.

I phoned solicitor earlier, tribpot. I am going back in a couple of weeks & am terrified!
I am going to phone & make an appt for another horrible mediation session tomorrow, as H has to be around to confirm the appt over the phone & he is at the pub with a friend today.
I have also caved in & made myself a doctors appt for Thursday, as I sometimes feel I am struggling to cope with everything.

'today'? How long has he been in the pub for god's sake?! (And he dare criticise you as a bad parent).

Is it essential that you do another mediation session? I know you have to do one for Legal Aid purposes, but will it help to have done more, given there is absolutely no point expecting a resolution to come from it?

Well done you for making a doctor's appointment. Your counselling has ended, hasn't it? Would it be beneficial if you could get some more? It's not 'caving in' to talk to the doctor, why shouldn't you ask for help where help can be given?

He's been at the pub since around lunchtime I think. I have come on here for a minute because both boys are on the big computer downstairs.

My counselling ended about a week after our decision to seperate & she did say I could ask to be put down for more sessions if needed.
I have been trying to convince myself that I can cope with all this, but it is all getting a bit much & much as I am organising all the bits I need to get out of the marriage, I think I need a little help with the emotional side of things.

My solicitor urged me to try & give the mediation a good go because it saves so much money & added hassle. I am still very dubious as to whether it will work though.

Bloody hell. Cannot imagine how drunk he will be by this time. This in itself is outrageous, btw - I go out more than dh (i.e. at all) and can count on one hand the number of times I've come back drunk since ds was born.

There is definitely nothing wrong with wanting to have an outlet to talk about things - I think it could help you enormously; MN can only do so much, you need to know there are people on your side in real life too. Why should you try and cope with this on your own? I think it is fair to say you are in one of the worst situations of any regular MNers (not wanting to do down anyone else's problems) - this is not an easy thing to deal with.

Honestly, MOM, when you have conquered this I swear you could take on the world. I see you and Hillary Clinton head-to-head in the next presidential campaign (except for the bit where you're not eligible, but you know what I mean).

fwiw mmom, i think you are a bl*y brilliant mother for the way that you are keeping sorting the home situation for your boys.
how are you going with your list? maybe you could do a longer one and keep it at your sis house? good luck for phoning tomorrow. x

He got home at around 8pm & didn't seem too drunk, considering he was out from 1pm.

I feel I have been a slightly better mum today!

good for you! hoping you have good day today, keep your chin up duck x

sorry i didn't wish to seem insensitive
(((((hugs)))))

You are not a failure of a mum, you are a wonderful mum trying to do the best thing possible for your boys and give them the happy life they deserve.

H is getting to you because years of conditioning have made you react like that and start to believe the awful (and completely ridiculous and untruthful) nonsense he says.

There's nothing wrong with making a drs appointment, you are not caving in. That's why drs are there, if you feel you need help, you are perfectly entitled to go and get it.

And who gives a flying one about what your mother's friends think of you? They deserve no thought whatsowver.

When this is all over and you are feeling a bit happier and more positive, I think we should have a party to celebrate

A party sounds very good, CQ!

FM - don't worry, you didn't seem insensitive at all. I don't mind being a duck - I have been called a lot worse!!!

I have made another mediation appt. We are going the Friday after next & I am not looking forward to it at all.

i didn't mean the duck part, i meant the other bit.

what i actually meant to say was (although on the face of it, this doesn't seem to come across all that well either!) please forgive in advance as it is meant with good intention: keeping your chin up in front of certain nameless others and coming on here to cry on our shoulders. do you understand what i'm trying to say (if not very well!)? fm x

Oh, don't worry about the "chin up" bit, FM - I don't see that as being insensitive at all!
I couldn't see anything insensitive about your post at all, so presumed you must have thought I might not like being a duck!

Went to the doctors this morning & he has requested more counselling for me. He has also written me out a prescription for some tablets, but I am not sure whether to go down the tablet road.

I am really pleased they have agreed more counselling for you, MoM - you need that sort of professional support as you go through this.
I think you will have a good idea as to whether you are enduring stress or depression....stress, certainly. And hopefully the counselling will help with that.

well done for going and getting that help.

am glad you have got more counselling. how did the phone call for the mediation go? the thing to remember (i have to stop saying that!) is that at least you have tried x

My poor counsellor will be getting very fed up of the sight of me! I imagine her thinking "When will this girl sort her life out?!!"
I have had a 5 month break from the counselling though, & my life has turned a different corner now & a it is causing me as much anxiety (if not more) than the situation I was in this time last year!
The doctor I saw yesterday is a lovely man - he has known me since I was a baby, & I knew he would be kind to me!
He asked me questions about whether I still loved H & if I thought he still loved me. I told him that I did still love H, but knew I had reached the end of the road & couldn't live as we were any longer.
I told him that H has temper & control issues. I also told him that he still hadn't moved out, even though we decided to end our marriage 5 months back.
I told him that it is a horrible surreal enviornment & that sometimes I cope, while other times I go to pieces.
I told him that I don't think I am depressed & that lots of people around me don't know what is happening in my life, as I put on a good ok front. This is why I felt I might benefit from more counselling.
He asked if I wanted to be signed off work & I told him I was coping ok with managing work atm, but if things did ever get too much I would go back to him.
He has requested the counselling for me & gave me a prescription for a low dose AD, which he said would help with my anxiety & aid my sleep.
I haven't picked these tablets up yet.
As I left he gave me a kiss on the cheek & told me to come back if needed. (That must sound dodgy, but it's not. He is just a lovely friendly gp, who has known me all my life)
I felt really emotional when I left the surgery. I think it was because I was having to open up about it all.
I am glad I went though.

FM, I phoned & organised another mediation session on Tuesday. We are going on the 25th (Fri after next) at 3.15pm & will be going back to the same place as last time.
I can't tell you how much I am dreading it!

good for you for going back to docs, am glad you get on well with him, tho i'm not sure i'd want to kiss mine

i can say that i din't know how much you are dreading going abck to mediation having not quite got there but i am sure that it will look good for you that you are trying to sort things out to the best for your little boy (if not for you too ).

i don' think that counsellors will think that of you at all. it takes alot of guts to go in the first place and i think it takes just as many to go back if you need help with different things. it's a big person who can admit when they need help on some things. i am too proud to do that and it can get awfully lonely sometimes - i can find it really hard to talk to others about what i call personal stuff - i had bad episode of pnd few weeks back and am only just coming through it, i didn't realise what was happening i just withdrew into myself and could ony just concentrate on looking after dd - i was determined that however i felt wouldn't affect her so i do understand that part of things.

if you don't yet want to take ad's ( i still have some unopened from august(?) ), maybe you could have a word with local pharmacist (they are bound by confidentiality rules, rather like docs) and see if you could use herbal remedies - i think valerian is sposed to be good for sleep though i'm sure there are better things out there.

good luck for 25th, i sahll be thinking of you and your boy x (((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))