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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
dinosaur · 15/11/2006 21:39

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 15/11/2006 22:12

Sounding strong??
Not sure I am feeling that strong!

I am in trouble again tonight!
H has been phoning in sick all week & today, while H was at the pub playing snooker, his boss phoned for him.
He wasn't in the house, so I said he had nipped out. I didn't say where. He could have nipped out for Lemsip or anything!
H is cross because I didn't tell his boss he was in bed & he has told me I'm not very bright because of this.

OP posts:
tribpot · 15/11/2006 23:13

Not very bright - permit me to laugh. If I were you, MoM, I would have said "he's down the snooker hall" so your H ought really to think he's got off lightly. By the way, are you noting these voluntary absences from work? He might be up to it for all sorts of reasons, like decreasing his average salary, for example.

Blu · 15/11/2006 23:25

Oh bloody hell - he really is off the rails, isn't he? He's mad! from what I can gather people in you town are in each other's pockets - his boss will hear that he was playing snooker!! Why is he staying off 'sick', do you think? I feel quite worried by the amount of sabotaging he is doing...but don't know what you can do about it. But do tell your solicitor next time you see him.
He is a complete idiot, and of course it isn't your fault. What a bastard. What could you say? Do you think his boss is suspicious?

tribpot · 15/11/2006 23:30

Blu - I get the impression he does this all the time? Unless it's normal in MOM's town to play snooker in the week?! Also MOM has to lie to her mother about whether he's at work or not, so that she will take them even though he could ... what a charmer.

mamama · 16/11/2006 04:09

In trouble? Again? at your H, messy.

I think I'd have told his boss exactly where he was, so I'm more of a dimmy than you ! Not very bright, fgs - think he needs to look in the mirror.

AT least this is another thing to add to your solicitor's list though.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 08:10

He has had a bit of a cold, which is why he phoned in sick on Monday, but he still managed to nip to the pub from 4pm - 7pm Monday evening!
He seems fine now, but has decided to have the whole week off.
His boss asked me if I knew whether he would be in today or not. I told him I had no idea & would get him to ring him back.
It turns out that H had already rung one of his other collegues & announced he wouldn't be in today.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 15:55

Have had another offer on the house today, from someone in a very strong position too!
Haven't accepted it yet though.

OP posts:
tribpot · 16/11/2006 16:10

Are you trying to stall the house sale until the divorce proceedings? (Which, by the way, won't start themselves!)

Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 17:13

I am seeing my solicitor about this when I go back, tribpot.
I see him again on the 7th December, which was the soonest they could fit me in around my work hours & his other commitments.
Mediation session is a week tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 17:52

I really don't know what to do re house sale & the divorce. Solicitor knew my house had sold earlier & mediator seemed pleased that the house had sold.
I don't know...my heads a mess with it all tbh.

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mamama · 16/11/2006 19:40

Good news about the house, Messy, even if you are not sure what to do about it atm. I'm not surprised your heads in a mess. Sorry

Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 20:08

Been feeling very down & tearful today. Not sure why exactually, think it was triggered by house offer (even though it's kind of positive news), as it brings everything to the surface.
Put DS2 to bed & he said "Is daddy coming up to eat my ears?!"
I walked out of his room & burst into tears.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 16/11/2006 20:29

How are things with you, mamama?

OP posts:
mamama · 17/11/2006 02:47

Hi Messy - I think I'm feeling a bit like you atm - I'm just very, very sad. And tearful - crying at the slightest thing - when DS was laughing uncontrollably because I was tickling him, when he waved goodbye to Daddy this afternoon & even reading "Is daddy coming up to eat my ears?!" in your post .

Your house offer is positive news but I know how hard these things are - it makes everything seem so much more real. I have boxes of DS's toys packed and ready to ship but just can't bring myself to actually ship them. I've put them in a cupboard where I can't see them.

I think the fact that christmas is coming is making it more difficult - I'm sure it's the same for a lot of us. This is my favourite time of year but it's making me so miserable. And Thanksgiving is next week - last year DH & I took newborn DS to a big family dinner with the people who really helped us when we moved over here. We were so happy (or so I thought). This year, DH is living with them & I'll be taking DS to a friend's house, where everyone else will be there as a happy couple with kids...

Why is this all so hard?

Bet you wished you'd never asked how I am, messy! Apologies for the rant. Am feeling rather sorry for myself

Original poster
messyoldmess · 17/11/2006 07:48

Sorry you are feeling so down, mamama. It's horrible isn't it?
The whole Christmas thing is getting me down too.

OP posts:
Blu · 20/11/2006 12:56

Another w/e got through, MoM!

Can you fax or send your list of unreasonablenesses to your solicitor in advance?

The house offer is a good one - you just need your estate agent to be helful and keep the buyer champing at the bit while the divorce stuff gets sorted - hopefully your solicitor can get everything moving at long last once you have given him the list.

Thinking of you as always. It's another mediation session this week, isn't it? Is it the same mediator, do you know? Anyway - hold firm - your future depends on it!

XXXXX

kando · 20/11/2006 13:13

Hi MOM, only just caught sight of this thread! Can't believe your H is still being so much of an arse! Well done for putting up with him - he'd be under the patio by now if he were my H! Great to see you are being so strong. Will keep an eye on this to see how you are. Take care xx

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/11/2006 17:25

We haven't accepted the offer, as they were offering £10,000 under the asking price. She may come back to us with another offer though.

I have written a list ready for my solicitor & have my HV's list with it. I have both hidden in my drawer.
Hadn't thought of sending them, but that sounds like a good idea.

Mediation is this Friday at 3.15pm. I am dreading it so much. I hated it last time - it was horrible.
We both got a letter confirming our appt. H didn't bother opening his!
It is with the same mediator, as far as I know.

I also received a letter confirming I am on the waiting list for more counselling.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/11/2006 20:41

Mum has told me she can't have the boys on Friday & it's not easy to find anyone to have them in an afternoon, as most people are at work.
I may have to cancel Fridays mediation if I can't find anyone.

OP posts:
Blu · 20/11/2006 22:18

Oh bloody hell - what a nightmare.

bubble99 · 20/11/2006 22:22

MOM. I wish there was something practical I could do to help you. X

ninah · 20/11/2006 22:27

Where are you? I am near Rugby and can help with free childcare if you need it occasionally I am newly single mum with ds 4 and dd 11 months

Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/11/2006 22:27

Mum made me feel all bad about things again. She said we should stop being wet & try & stay together for the children. She also said that she thinks H just wants out as quickly as possible now & she worries that I will have nobody to take care of me.
I have been a bit upset tonight.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 20/11/2006 22:29

That's a lovely offer, ninah.
I am miles away though, as I live in the SE.
Really sweet of you to offer to help though.

OP posts: