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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

441 replies

messyoldmess · 20/10/2006 22:10

I made the tough decision to end my marriage around 5 months ago.
My H had temper & control issues & I tried everything I could to make things better, but nothing worked & I finally accepted that we needed to go our seperate ways.
H seemed to go along with it all at the time & told me he was moving in with a friend in a couple of weeks. It never happened, as H came up with lots of silly excuses as to why it was not sensible. He said he would not leave until our house sold.
We are now nearly 5 months down the line & I feel we are in limbo land. Nothing seems to have moved on & he is still getting to me.
Our house has not sold & I am starting to go out of my mind.
I have had a few people suggest I look into renting somewhere, but I don't know if that would affect my position re the house & divorce etc.
I can't carry on like this for much longer.

OP posts:
Tyedye · 14/11/2006 10:30

Message withdrawn

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 18:09

I didn't feel very saint like yesterday, when H (who, as usual, hasn't paid for any of the boys presents) nipped out to buy milk & came back with a £350 X box for himself!!

My parents have returned from their holiday & are still in "Let's carry on like this isn't really happening" mode. They were even presuming that H would be staying in London with me this w/e!!
They came home with a big bottle of whiskey for him. Nothing for me, but they did bring both boys a little something.
I nipped round to see them when they returned on Sunday. They have had a new door fitted, & dad said "The lengths we will go to to keep you out eh?!"
I know he was joking, but I do get a bit fed up sometimes.
I am finding it really hard to be in the same room & make conversation with my own dad, which isn't right.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:03

MoM - does H normally not pay for stuff like that? I thought he was the major earner? Worth mentioning to your solicitor, along with the ludicrous X-Box purchase.

Loving your parents - whiskey for your H (cos lord knows, he is deprived of his drink), little something for the boys and nothing for you. You know your place in the pecking order of your parents' warped minds.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 20:12

I've always taken charge of all the boys Christmas & birthday presents and paid for them. I also buy all their clothes & shoes. I have never complained, as H pays more bills than me, but his random purchase annoyed me yesterday.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:25

He pays more bills than you, but he EARNS more than you. Plus he gives you crap all the time about "take over the mortgage if you want me out", knowing you can't do that. It's fine to split expenditure in whatever way suits a particular family, but not, in my opinion, for one party to be spending large chunks of the joint income on things for him/herself. I would not dream of buying myself an x-box, or anything similar.

divastrop · 14/11/2006 20:28

i do so like living 350 miles from my mother
its hard enough to deal with a h or p being nasty but when its your own parents its alot harder.maybe your mum and dad could adopt your h and leave you to live your own life?!?

i think making major purchaces without consulting you while leaving you to buy all the boys' presents would count as unreasonable behaviour.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 20:29

I think the reason I felt so annoyed by it, was because I have started thinking about & buying a few of the boys presents now, & he hasn't bought them a thing, but rushed out & bought a very expensive toy for himself

OP posts:
fransmom · 14/11/2006 20:33

blu i think i better clear some things up. partner i sometimes have issues with is not on same level as mom, it is different things - i just wanted to tell her that i understood about not wanting to tell work colleagues what i felt as too much. unfortunately my mother died 7 1/2 years ago, so although talking to her is bit difficult it's not impossible but thats another thread and i don't want to hijack mom's. as for dad i haven't seen him for three years

i do think tho that mom sounds tobe doing very well, tho i'm sure she may not be able to tell all but she does have the full support of all of us on here. x
how canhe justify in all conscience a purchase of an x box when his boys need new clothes/shoes? whether you pay for them or not mom it's not fair and he shouldn't do that to his boys. for you x

tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:33

Frankly I would have one of your little ones 'accidentally' trash the sodding x-box if I were you! I know H would make your life not worth living, but 'twould still be amusing. Have you asked him what he's getting for the dses?

fransmom · 14/11/2006 20:34

you could always lose the fuse...........

fransmom · 14/11/2006 20:37

burning the candle hows you?

Blu · 14/11/2006 20:46

Fransmom - sorry - I got myself completely confused - I meant Divastrop's Mum. Sorry.

MoM - yes the X-box thing is outrageous. Of course you were furious. And the fact is that you have a p/t job because you do the majority of the parenting! But he has never understood that as an equal partnership, and he's hardly going to start now!

Personally I find it completely pathetic, fully grown men playing with X boxes, but that is probably because I am old-fashioned and frumpy!

bossykate · 14/11/2006 20:49

blu is not frumpy!

mom - you know you sell yourself very short. you have been on a hellish journey for the past couple of years. you have done very, very well. i don't often post on your threads but i think about you often. good luck.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 20:54

I find it pathetic too, Blu. H is a big child in lots of ways though!
I had a friend come round with her 7 year old twins today. H left strict instructions that NO children were to step foot in the lounge, just incase his x box were to get damaged in any way.
He did go out to the pub when my friend came round & leave us in peace though.
I hadn't seen this friend for around 6 weeks, so I filled her in on all the latest happenings.
She was shocked & told me I should write a novel!

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 20:55

Thanks, Bossykate.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 20:56

How 'generous' of him to naff off to the pub when your friend came round. Do you do that when his friends come round? (And if not why not). Is this the start of a new regime where your dses aren't allowed unsupervised in the lounge in case the x-box gets broken? Like the endless effing saga about the leather seats in his new car and how they mustn't sully them with as much as a blade of grass?

It's a load of arse.

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 21:05

I was glad he was out of the house though, as my friend would have felt uncomfortable if he was around.
He was paranoid because extra children were in the house & his precious new toy was out in the lounge.

OP posts:
Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 21:06

I got the blame for him feeling so ill with a hangover Sunday morning. He told me it was my fault, because if I wasn't leaving him he wouldn't need to go out drinking so much.

OP posts:
tribpot · 14/11/2006 21:38

This would be backed up by evidence - of him never having a hangover before you separated?

Original poster
messyoldmess · 14/11/2006 21:48

Oh I know, tribpot. I told him not to come out with such rubbish & that nobody is forcing him to drink. The only person to blame for him drinking too much is HIM!

OP posts:
mamama · 15/11/2006 01:44

LOL MOM at Sunday morning's hangover being your fault

How are things going with the house selling?

I know you're having a really rough time but it sounds as though you are doing a great job of holding things together. Sometimes just getting out of bed in the morning is hard enough but to do that, raise 2 boys, go to work and deal with unsupportive parents and H being nasty as well as all the other emotional & legal things to consider, well... I just think you have coped really well with everything. I'm sorry I can't do anything to help.

Blu · 15/11/2006 13:58

LOL at his lack of logic - could he go back a stage and think that if he didn't act they way he does, you wouldn't have to leave him and he wouldn't have to drink!!

tribpot · 15/11/2006 14:04

Ah but Blu, the cause of the separation is not H's appalling behaviour, it's MUMSNET. Yes. We are to blame.

bigknickersbigknockers · 15/11/2006 20:15

Hello MOM, I havent been on here for a while and just thought i'd say hello.
I hope you are making progress with your list for the solicitor. Try to stay strong and focused.
PMSL at the hangover being your fault.. that really is a classic

Blu · 15/11/2006 21:38

oooh, yes Tribot, you're right

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