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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still finding it hard to move on......

972 replies

Hobbitwife001 · 28/01/2015 20:05

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OP posts:
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Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/02/2015 08:58

I like your declaration of intent of having a MLC, WWK, I think I will join you, and then all our inexplicable behaviour will be justified,
We can do whatever we want, with whoever we want, whenever we want, and can just give our mid life crises as vindication.
If for instance, I decided to get a little bit sweary if I see Fuckface and Bitchface in the pub, I can blame my MLC, and explain its beyond my control, it's just a hormonal itch I had to scratch, being menopausal, you can get away with murder, can't you? Tee Hee.,xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/02/2015 09:05

Actually , can you use being menopausal as a murder defence?
You can use PMT, and get away with it on some occasions I'm sure, why should the young uns get a better deal.
Hope you are ok today, Whyme, thinking of you sweetheart, you CAN do this, be strong tomorrow, I am sure we all wish we could be there in person to support you, but you know we are all thinking of you and your children, and someone is always about to listen and help if they can. Xx

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 02/02/2015 09:22

Not too sure Hobbit, I would be inclined to think not. Sometimes, one has to remember that patience is a virtue, and comeuppance comes that way.

Hello MrsC nice to 'see' you again!

Everyone this weeks challenge is to survive it, humour intact, sad moments permitted, navel-gazing fine, swearing acceptable, washing up optional.

greenberet · 02/02/2015 09:25

feeling a bit out of it this morning - feel i have no control over where my life is going anymore - probably didnt anyway just thought it was sorted - think i need to get my "happy" book out for some inspiration.

Ill have to book my MLC in for a couple of years time - kids need me at the moment - and as much as i feel like f888ing off and being completely selfish as my life feels "empty" too with far more just cause than DH my kids always do & always will come first!

Apparently I am not of sound mind at the moment and must not agree to any major decisions or go internet shopping whilst stuck on the sofa :-)

Original poster
Hobbitwife001 · 02/02/2015 09:46

WellGreen, what's the point of being laid up on the sofa if you can't go Internet shopping? I'd say it was compulsory really, how else can you get some exercise re finger dexterity? Indulge yourself my love, I think you deserve it:)
But don't buy any more self help books, there is no understanding the twat, he did it because he wanted to and he COULD, no amount of psychoanalysis will change the cunt, end of!

We all want to know the reasons why they did what they did, because we are good people and can't imagine wanting to cause such pain and distress to people we purport to 'love'.

But some things are 'unknowable', some actions have no relevant reasons behind them, other than the fact that they were dissatisfied with one or more areas of their lives, my husband has always been a 'glass half empty' kind of man, nothing is ever 'enough' for him, but that's his problem, his failing, not mine or my children's, but we are the ones dealing with the fallout from his decision to leave. And we will deal with it, and move on to a happier life, and he will soon be in the same frame of mind with her, life won't be the dream he thought it would magically become, because he is the same fucktard he always was and always will be.

Don't tire yourself out trying to understand the man, Green, my love , just concentrate on you and your recovery. Xx

OP posts:
greenberet · 02/02/2015 10:14

thanks Hobbit- i think my mindframe yesterday as in wanting to do something completely off track is my head telling me Ive had enough of this and yes you are quite right there are going to be no answers -because if there are any they are in his head & his head is full of CRAP so may as well just stop this right now.

I want to move on - I want to focus on my future with my kids - I want my kids to be settled knowing where they are going to live and go to school. My DH has robbed them of a year of their lives with his selfishness and his continuing Fuckwittery - they need to be thinking of their future - getting their heads in the right place to think about exams over the next couple of years, making and building good friendships and moving on from this shit.
Funny how from my perspective it is all about my kids - you are so right hobbit! and having this sorted will help me too!

greenberet · 02/02/2015 18:04

shit- just having a major wobble - this isnt supposed to have happenend to me - washing machine has been fine all day & water just started pouring out tap again - tried to message Dh who is picking kids up & never know whether he gets my message as comes up failed - tried normal plumber hes off sick - have managed to turn water off at mains

this isnt what I signed up for - if i had wanted to do it alone I could have done everything without DH - just feeling woe is me & mightily peed off with what i am having to face

greenberet · 02/02/2015 18:07

im documenting on here as counsellor has asked me to keep a diary of what im feeling whilslt not seeing her and this is as good a place as any - this is the first time i have thought this throughout this whole mess!

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 18:11

Why the very best of luck for tomorrow. We are all behind you

Everyone this weeks challenge is to survive it, humour intact, sad moments permitted, navel-gazing fine, swearing acceptable, washing up optional....WWK
I am surviving this week because I have added cake to my shopping list, I have laughed at the ridiculous email the twat sent, I am sad that my youngest isn't well at the moment, I can still see my naval, washing up has been done by my sons. And fuckit. Challenge completed!

Bring on the next one.......

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 18:25

Oh Green , totally understand. It's bloody annoying when the washing machine is out of order. You have done all you can for now. If he can't sort it, he will have to arrange another plumber. Meantime, your friend will be more than happy to do any washing. People want to do what they can.

I have cursed my ex plenty of times when I've been struggling to do things that he would have done. And actually should have done before he sodded off.

This thread, yes it is a diary of sorts for all of us. We have all progressed. So as well as keeping it for your counsellor, you can see for yourself how you are getting through this.

greenberet · 02/02/2015 20:29

hi ladies - i have pmd you greenx

iwashappy · 02/02/2015 21:53

Hello Mrs C I am sorry that you have been having such an awful time. What pleasure do they get in being so vile and nasty, I really don't understand why it is so common to behave like that.

WWK you are strong. You can and will make your life whatever you want it to be.

WhyMe big hugs to you too. I did go on to your thread to wish you good luck for tomorrow, sorry to hear about the adjournment. More stress for you. Sorry about your mum too sweetheart, that must be so tough. Pleased your dad is there for you. Take care Flowers

Izzie I think you must have meant nightmare rather than dream about the OW! She's bad enough in real life without her having to invade your sleep as well. Pleased you seem a bit brighter at the moment. Keep on dancing.

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:07

Oh believe me iwas, the real version is totally vile. I will PM sometime about what I found out.

Meantime, after all that stuff about the car, Shitbag has emailed and asked any news re car, I'm looking too, may have found something.......typical him, I assumed he had found a car for himself, then thought or does he mean he's found a car for me? Something like the Flintstones drive I assume. He never makes himself clear of course. Always have to play 20 questions. As I'm so nosy I have asked Computer Says No Carol to come in, to reply "No. So you have found something for you?"....in which case, does he want my signature to trade in the "stolen" car, or is he going to be a hero a give it back to me? Either way, I don't care. He is beneath my contempt after that email. He is turning into the OW himself

iwashappy · 02/02/2015 22:10

Hobbit it is a very strange limbo to be in. I'm not even sure what I should refer to him as. apart from dickhead

WWK I am up for this week's challenge providing that the washing up stays optional. That was about the one job he did around the house.

Green sorry you are having a major wobble. Hope you get your washing machine fixed properly too. Have PMd you back. x Flowers

Izzie enjoy your cake. Your sons sound wonderful. wish my daughter would do the washing up

It is very much true what you say about these threads. It may feel like a million miles away to get to the holy grail of indifference but I sure as hell feel an awful lot stronger than when I first started posting. I can't believe how stupid and naïve I was back then. I spent ages trying to kid myself that it was just banter with OW. How little did I know him.

iwashappy · 02/02/2015 22:12

Broadchurch must have finished then Izzie!

iwashappy · 02/02/2015 22:18

Izzie hope Computer Says No Carol gets the reply back that she wants re the car.

I heard my husband chatting today to a friend of his. He was talking about something on the news - a married Vicar had resigned after it was discovered that he was having an affair. So did my husband think it was terrible that a Vicar would do that or comment as to how awful it must be for his wife. No my husband actually thought it was hilarious. He kept saying "they've been shagging." He was highly amused.

Tells me all I need to know about his attitude. He's got a stupid sense of humour when it comes to sexual jokes and the like but to joke about an affair after everything he has done. He really has no idea at all.

I'm actually pleased I heard him, it's not upset me as such. I just can't believe that he would have that attitude after everything. I am pleased that I am separated from someone who thinks that an affair is humorous. Even tempted to start finally start using STBXH.

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:27

Broadchurch, I still have two episodes to watch.....my treat. For when I'm not going to be disturbed.

Well Shitbag is also keeping office hours it would seem. He's been a master of that since he left. Except he employs Disgusted of Tunbridge Wells. Seems I will have to wait. Procrastination in all things me is generally the order of the day.

Well, if it's a car for him, he will have to wait too. He needs papers from me either way. And Carol can be so careless with the filing....

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:32

Iwas all these little things they do, thinking about the vicar post, it's all god for us because it makes it soooo much easier to emotionally detach that last little thread. That bloody email I'm yattering on about, I just have to think of that, and that tells me all I need to know.

So be grateful. You now know that Sid is without morals. And I know that Shitbag is a victim and I am a wicked deranged witch. Thinking if I was I could ram that broomstick somewhereGrin

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:39

Bastard, a fucking brand new car, good deal apparently. No trade in but wants his car back to lose it. Long delivery date. My reply...cost?

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:40

So fucking predictable. Fucking new for him, mine about half the cost. Cos I have to cut my coat.

Fucking cleaners job now

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:49

Blood boiling. I have resisted sending another email reply. Stay calm on the outside. I have the biggest trump card, he has no idea

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 22:49

PM you iwas

iwashappy · 02/02/2015 23:00

Izzie yes it does make it easier to emotionally detach. I am pleased I heard him say that even if I thought insensitive, heartless arse at the time.

Sid is definitely without morals. Can I borrow your broomstick when you have finished please!

The car situation sounds apart par for the course with him. Would it help to forget about what he is getting and just focus on the car that you will be getting. Is what you are hopefully getting something that suits you? If so then forget about his. When you have got your car it will probably annoy him if you say how pleased you are with it. When you feel it is unfair that he has a much more expensive car than you (which it is) just remember that while you have two wonderful supportive sons who love you all he has is a vile OW and a flash car. Whose shoes would you rather be in? x

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 23:01

That PM defo NOT on thread

Izzie595 · 02/02/2015 23:03

That is a fair point iwas. If he wants to waste his money, so be it. He really has no idea about the financials re divorce.

Meantime, it's the car we were considering. Hardly original.