Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Finished email exchange with him. I made it clear that I wasn't interested in anything except the financial settlement; that all my texts were blunt but the truth, and that he would realise that one day; and that he brought it all on himself and would have to live with it.

I now actually wonder if he would be a total shite and try to negotiate the holiday home for himself. I would be surprised at anything. He's sold his kids down the river, so why not just step into our home too. Sicko

I wouldn't be surprised, I mean

He can try. He's skating on very thin ice

New car for my ex too. His justification? Because I said I would soon need a modest amount to replace my old car with a slightly less old car that justified him immediately buying another car to add to his own collection.

Thankfully his midlife crisis has taken him to an exciting new life a long distance away so i don't have to see him very often and I am good at boundaries from a distance but why is it that that I can't seem to enforce my boundaries when he's here in person? Don't want him coming in my house? He lounges around for hours and I can't get rid of him. Don't want to discuss divorce in front of DC? He adds it onto the end of another conversation tells DC about some extravagant treat that wont happen because he is penniless mum won't delay the divorce. He twists it so his own actions are my fault. I don't believe it myself but I'm sure DC does. What happens to my determination to say a firm no and nothing more? I fail every time. Now sleep is eluding me again.

What would help you say "no"?

Sleepless too as fuckwittery is arriving thick and fast. So turned Yahoo off and settled in with Kindle.

Ah I'm not the only one awake thanks to annoying ex. I don't know. It's easy by text to say no then ignore any further messages. In person he catches me off guard. Arrives charming and friendly to collect DC drags it out with genuine conversation about DC then starts on about nastier things. I feel so annoyed with myself that I can't deal with it better and DC suffers because of it.

How old are/is DC? Are they old enough, is your home as such, he can honk the horn at pick up? No contact means the don't get the door opened to them...ideally.

I'm awake too!

Aaaaaaaargh

That's where I'm lucky, my kids are 19 and 22. Old enough to have formed their own opinions. Let's just say there is big respect for mum and none for anyone else. Urgh, don't think I would survive this if the kids were young and didn't see it for what it was

Yes a teenager so definitely. That's what he used to do but somehow managed to start coming in and I don't even know how or how to stop him.

Hi Izzie sorry that you can't sleep either.

DS is very up and down. He puts his dad on a pedestal always saying how wonderful he is then after a couple of days with him he wants to come home and complains that his dad is selfish.

I'm lucky in that he appears to accept boundaries when he's here. Doesn't assume anything. The only thing he does that pisses me off is he rings the bell then lets himself in. Apparently he rings the bell to announce his arrival. It will be because he won't want the neighbours seeing him let into his house haha. One day soon I will tell him to wait until I answer the door. I suppose the first time he came round I just said let yourself in. But things have changed now. Three months. Long enough to accept you don't live here anymore!

Hi Tabbie! Fortunately lack of sleep only happens when I have some, not alway, contact with him. It gets to a stage of night where I know if I go to bed, I won't get up for work. So I'm best staying up now.

Does he have a financial stake in the house? Is it the old marital home?

No not at all I am renting he has no right to set foot in the house. The problem is me I'm not good at being firm face to face.

We all have our weaknesses with contact. Mine is texting contact. I hate the idea that he just basically shuts off when he's had enough. Being ignored is like a red rag to a bull for me.

I was just going back through emails about the car. I missed the one about how much it costs. It is over double mine. When I told him I had ruled out a particular car recently on cost, he said yes it probably was too much! Well I've just gone and replied at this time of night FFS, saying more fool him to spend that much on a non family car [meaning kids won't be in it, although it's a family car...ouch], and as a matter of interest why does he say his car was never going to be cheap. Ah well, maybe that is all to the good, it may rule out his options elsewhere financially. That will be to my benefit.but the bloody sense of entitlement!

They all turn out to be manipulative slimy bastards in one way or another. You really would think that they were the ones who had been left. All this stuff about a woman scorned, ha! They are off the scale for no good reason whatsoever.

sorry ladies - i havent read pms yet - i went to bed as couldnt take anymore

DH has just been to pick kids up to take them to school and has told me he has to go & have a suspcicious mole removed today - doesnt surprise me as his family are prone to this - hes told me not to worry - but im worrying about everything - i cant take much more - myhead is all over the place & im blubbing - how do i get out of this hole

Green you get out of it by climbing inch by inch. If you drop a few inches, that's fine, we all get tired sometimes, and need a break. We all worry about everything in divorce, it's one of the reasons we find it just so tough. Write down your worries as you have them, then come back and 'tick/cross' them off your worry list as and when you know the definite outcome. It kind of helps but it's a self discipline thing.

Tabby so you recognise the pattern: he arrives with something 'chatty' and all 'personable' and, like all con artists, your trusting nature gives him the benefit of the doubt, and then 'bingo' the undercover man reveals himself. Your son can meet him in the car from now on. Ring someone at pick up times so you are 'seemingly distracted' and 'can't talk'. Nod, wave, smile, close door. Could that work?

Izzie if being ignored is a red rag to you...sorry love, but you've got to recognise your own behaviour here and work on that. You can't change his, just manage your own.

I am a hypocrite because I have sent off an email this morning (although I didn't swear) but just pointing out that I am not here to listen to him whining (amongst other things) as he left. I suggested that he needs to accept divorce is an ugly business and manage it. Which was helpful of me.

'Cos I am good like that.

thanks Well for putting me back on track - not sure whats going on with me at the moment but my default seems to be "panic mode" - think im a bit overloaded - not normally like this - & DH is under review in 6 months - guess still cant help having some concern.

Green, anyone would be overloaded with what you have had to deal with, if it was me in your situation think I would have imploded with the stress of it all. Just take a deep breath, and take a step back from it all and just focus on your recovery at the moment.
In my case, I am just going to forget about about the financials for now, I'm not in the right frame of mind to sit down with him and discuss mine and my sons future, I am just not strong enough to either remain calm and not lose my temper, or get emotional and cry , neither of those options are conducive to a good outcome.
It does not benefit me to rush things through, so I wont, I will let him make the next move.
On a lighter note, Hobbit 2.0 is now in the building! I have rejoined the gym, on a cheaper package, and aim to be a sleeker, stronger, faster version of little 'ol me.
If there is any good to come of this horrible situation, it is that I am a lot slimmer, so hey-ho lets make the most of it, and get healthier and more toned. Just for myself mind, not for anybody else, to boost my self esteem and confidence a bit. If I look good , I will feel good, that's what I'm hoping anyway, ladies and gentleman. Lots of love , Hobbit Bolt .......Usains older, fatter, shorter rival... Ha ha x

Hobbit just think of all those endolphins, endomorphs endogubbings that the body produces in response to pain, surely you've had enough pain for a while?

Mind you, I can do 5K much faster than even whatsisface that advertises Quorn can as long as I'm in the DeathTrap Mobile. That is my Stealth Boast! Enjoy the gym. Sounds like my idea of hell!

Still like being in bed on the iPad, that's my default mode at the moment, but, use it or lose it WWK babe, you're younger than me, us old biddies need to keep mobile and flexible ...
How ya doin' today? Ain't endorphins s'posed to make you happy?
Well, chocolate makes me happy, so have to go to gym, so not too Mr Blobbylike, (ha ha remember him? What a tool)
Quizzing tonight so getting in peak physical condition to hit the pub,
Ta ra for a bit, xx

WWK yes point accepted. I will say no more about that because I refuse to discuss him. Carol has vacated the office for a few weeks now, I can't afford to pay the overtime she is racking up.

Hobbolt good for you, young lady! I'm told that exercise is good for both mind and body. The last time I was in a gym I was underage, and we certainly looked forward to double Latin class afterwards......but, seriously, good for you!

I'm working on mind and body at the moment. Had a massive hit with my mega early night on Saturday, totally obliterated by not even going to bed last night. That's now twice this week. So have decided to take my version of sleeping pills. This involves blocking Jeremy Clarkson, and taking up weekday drinking. I have a wine and cream soda [! Thought was lemonade] beside me now. I don't really need the wine generally, but I do tonight. Feeling much more chilled and relishing my time with the kids, and our commune living.

The feed me diet was an epic fail today,. Got to work and realised I had taken in my son's peanut butter sandwiches. Yuk. However starving I may be, I'm still fussy about what I eat. However, going to push the boat out tonight and have some bacon rolls. Also some nice cakes.

My love affair with nicotine is reaching new heights again. The last time I smoked so much, I was a housewife, so I'm amazed how many I cram into my free time. I have a wonderfully familiar smoker's cough now. The e cigs remain for another time.

So that's my plan for the time being. Slow down on the decorating, look after body and mind.

I'm definitely generally happier with just the three of us. The word divorced friends often use is peaceful. I can testify to that.

Financials, totally agree Hobbit, in our own time. Any major decisions should be made with a clear head. Things come into my head about the future, I know the rough choices. Now I just need to let my subconscious mull them over.

Has anyone on this thread started making more of an effort with their appearance? New hair cut, clothes etc. I certainly haven't yet, but I'm thinking that this stage will come in due course. Right now, the only visual improvements I am making are to the house.

Green thinking of you! and have PMd

Back from the quiz, we won 22-14, hurrah!
Was very good, only had diet cokes , re new regime, but bad, had two packets of crisps:( , old regime.
Oh fuck it, tomorrow is another day, as scarlet o'hara said.
Wots a few crisps among friends? ( ooohhh, crisps, food of the gods, )
Nighty night all:)