Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

OMG, when I last saw my nieces we got out the wii and did Lets Dance. I was doing this with my brother. I would never have let myself go so much is HE had been there.

Right, now I can practise for the rematch

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oAKZLkEYyOU

I'd never heard that song before I got it gifted to me on my thread, but it's so apt, and the irony of the band's name is not lost on me, either.

You've "just" got to get up face whatever shit is thrown your way and try to find some humour in it. I played it loads when I was doing all the divorce paperwork, which is what you have to do to come to terms with the "unjust" way we've all been treated.

Green You may be 'surplus' to his requirements, but you will always be valued by your children. He, however, has devalued himself.

Well , looky here at all you computer whizzamebobs, and me out try in' to earn a crust guv'nor, and you lot dancing around the place.
How are all you fine ladies? Green , honey, you sound a lot brighter today, hope you are being pampered, ie, fed and watered by your nursing team .
Eating thing seems to have come back with a vengeance, now eating everything thats not tied down ;
Since I got in from work I have consumed:
Crackers and hummus,
Spaghetti Bolognese and sour dough bread( ready meal of course :))
Two glasses if red wine
Peanuts
Chocolate biscuits.
Have now retired to bed. Gonna catch up with Broadchurch after and Mr Damian Lewis in Wolf Hall < aka the hottest ginger on the planet>

Might have a dance around myself, a bit of Cradle of Filth. Headbangs appreciatively.

Hobbit, best not dance until food goes down......

Yes I may have a wine tonight once I have cleaned all the paintbrushes and myself

I'm going to find out how to get the internet on the TV, so I can practise my dance moves in a larger area

YEY! Go Izzie! You got the moves girl!

Yes, maybe should have let food go down, before dancing :(

I'm wondering whether a glass or two may improve the moves ......

Hobbit this is the time to release your inner punk. Pogo and spew.....

For you Hobbit

www.youtube.com/watch?v=judcHxF68t4

Well , it might not improve the moves, but you won't give a shit about it! Mind the Ming vases though, :)

Thank you Izzie, I don't look too unlike the lead singer actually, maybe with a bit better eyeliner! Lots of love x

Hello everyone. Just been catching up and it's really nice to see some fun mixed in with the stress. I used to find music really difficult to listen to especially songs that were on the radio during the time I found out / he tried to come back. But now it love music and couldn't be without it. My guilty pleasure is singing along to Let It Go loudly in the car which is only ruined by my child telling me to please stop.

I know lots of people have said it before but reading other posts is sometimes like reading my own thoughts. Green I hope you are feeling a bit better? Re your comments about being a good Dad I feel very strongly that the best a Dad can do for his children is love their mother. I know that is probably incredibly naive of me but this is what I always expected when I decided to have children with him. Even if there were troubles along the way, I thought he would have done everything to keep our family together because that is what I would have done. He did not once tell me he was unhappy, not once. So when my children are old enough to understand, it isn't that Daddy left Mummy for someone else because he was miserable and Mummy was dreadful or he simply fell in love with someone else (which is what he has told the children as if that's ok) - it's that Daddy didn't even try. I want them to be able to communicate honestly with all the people in their lives and if I can achieve that I will be happy. Anyway - it's horrible and not what I wanted but yes I absolutely think he will never be the father he could have been and I think deep down he knows it. He won't be able to hold on to this 'I left you not them' crap forever. He isn't the man I married and although upsetting for them, he's not the father they knew / deserved either.

Re not knowing what they were capable of and feeling a fool. Remember that they were actively deceiving us. They went out of their way to make us think nothing was wrong. We can see it now because we know the truth - that they will lie and say absolutely anything to achieve their goals - but we didn't know that at the time. I spent a lot of time berating myself for believing him even when I had evidence to the contrary. I had no reason not to trust him and he was so clever at making me think I was going crazy that I kept on trusting him. Though incredibly painful, I would rather live life being like that than being like him. I will just guard my heart a bit better next time - if there ever is one.

That was a bit of a rant sorry!!

Hi all I can see you all having a good time today ( as good as can be ) . I have been eating OK too but as I have seen mentioned just eating anything during this is OK ... it doesn't matter , in the first weeks I rarely ate, now I am getting better. Managing to buy food whoopee.

I am still using the cd player at night and yes it does help me sleep , sort of sends me off into a deep sleep , I am at least getting some sleep - back at work , but I always want to remind you all without this MN I wouldn't be anywhere as good as I am , RL is good, but when I am on my own at home then MN is there to catch up , read and always posting helps because I know you are all there to read & help me and help each other.

I know that we have all been deceived and lied to possibly ? I am told all the time I haven't done anything wrong . I didn't - I never was tempted to cheat, I never would have done anything to hurt her or my son - never because it would have destroyed everything I had , more important to me than anything . She didn't feel that . She left and cheated or maybe it was the other - cheated then left but she made sure she walked into something else. I went to the pub last night with brother and couple of mates & enjoyed it too . Not drunk just you know, hey these guys are my friends and they are standing by me , they know I was a decent husband and didn't see it coming but the divorce is proceeding ( I am coming to terms with it ) but never ever thought it would happen to us . But I have to remind myself I am decent , honest and always will be , maybe I haven't hit the wall yet I don't know, but I know we all didn't deserve to be shafted .

Hope you are well everyone , as well as we can be . Good wishes always from me.

Familyofthree - hear hear . Just what I was trying to say. I love that line you quoted " He did not once tell me he was unhappy, not once " .
She never ever told me that either . Ever.

She tells my son now , she tells everyone else now. She never told me once . She never gave me a chance because she never wanted to ! That is because she lied and deceived me. Just like they do . But I totally agree with you.

I'm sorry you are going through the same Drifting. I have been told he was actually never happy in our relationship. Though I know this is very unlikely to be true, it still hurts. For the years I gave him but for my children who he is basically saying came from an unhappy marriage. Why he didn't just tell me is beyond me and something I'll never understand.

Just one more thing on the being a good Dad thing. How can they possibly discipline their children knowing that their morals are the opposite to what we would teach as a matter of course? Treat others as you would yourselves. Don't lie. At least I know I live by the morals I teach them. They can't possibly think they are the Dad they thought they would be. They can't look their child in the eye telling em that lying is wrong. The best they can be is an example of how not to be.

Not sure I explained that well but I hope you get the gist.

*them not em though it fits!

Hello Family yes the light relief is much needed sometimes! Please feel free to rant away we all know how you feel.

Drifting pleased you are doing reasonably okay and that the CD is helping with your sleep. It makes a big difference getting some sleep.

My husband never told me he was unhappy neither. In fact he tells me that he was happy with me so why on earth did he repeatedly cheat on me?

Family I agree that it is hard for them to talk to the children about what is right and wrong when their own morals are so badly in the wrong place. I did speak to my husband about how he would feel if our daughter married someone who cheated on her like he has on me. He freely admitted that he would think he was a total bastard and would want to go and hit him even if he probably wouldn't. But it doesn't seem to apply to him does it, no he can do what he likes as long as no-one does the same to his daughter.

Hello Tabby sorry you are in the same boat but pleased to hear that you are healing but sorry that your STBXH is being nasty.

Yes I certainly feel stupid for not spotting the signs that he was cheating and naïve that I was so trusting. Thank you for your reassurance that I shouldn't feel ashamed.

Pleased you have had a productive day but sorry he is being so bloody awkward.

Green yes it is hard when you think you share the same values and then you find out that he doesn't at all. Your husband and OW could have some interesting debates if they are polar opposites politically!

Izzie pleased you have been feeling upbeat today.

Hobbit, hello! I am so glad I came across this thread. I am familiar with you and your story because of my lovely friend WWK, she's probably mentioned me during our collective hideous ordeals. I'd like to join in. Not sure I how much I am "getting over" it all. My backstory...married 14 years, had a late baby at 42, he is nearly four and recently diagnosed with ASD (Aspergers). I also have a 16 year old daughter my STBXH's step daughter since she was two years old. He left me in October 13, subsequently discovered affair with older recently widowed woman who we had known for very many years. She is unique in "OW" behaviour in that she has been utterly foul and abusive, has not faded into the background, far from it, indeed has blamed me entirely for her decision to "take" my husband as she put it. She is currently subject to a summons due to her contempt of the disclosure process. I am self-repping, nightmare ongoing court case that I had to undertake due to ex's failure to settle anything. He lives in her large detached house and drives her dead husband's car, but has cut us off completely financially, leaving me on benefits, even sacked me from his company without notice or pay. Been awful. I am a lot better than I was, but a long way from recovery. It appears that my husband was having an affair with OW prior to her husband's death and then they picked up again shortly after. They are a charming pair. I should put "alleged" in there really as I am relying on the words of others regarding that pit of venom. She also has a son who is 8. My husband admitted to having an affair with her 8 years ago...the maths have raised many questions (!). Anyway, onto songs you can't bear to hear...mine are The Kinks "You got me" and a bloody Jason Derulo song that I have blocked out to the extent that I can't remember the title. You see, my husband downloaded both of those songs on my laptop, having consulted my daughter about them, and then sent them to his mistress presumably to declare his "love". That stung, massively. Vile creature he is.

So, ladies, onwards and upwards.....

Drifting, it's good to hear a man's perspective, well not good, but you know what I mean...what I wanted to say to you is that they ALL say that, they were "so unhappy" blah blah blah, but never once thought to mention it to us, the spouses left behind. To this day, I can't see what I did to deserve all of this shit, I really can't. The problem is them, not us. Decent people don't do what they did. I have seen this from another perspective, my brother (single) had an affair with a woman (married). It was messy and awful. What they did do though is hold their hands up, apologised, treated the ex husband with respect, my brother took the hit on his business, they moved away, they did as much as they could in the "right" way and acknowledged the pain they had caused. In her defence, she was desperately unhappy and had told the husband over the course of many years, he was quite emotionally and financially abusive and she was afraid to leave. She and my brother should not have had an affair, it caused huge pain and the ripples were devastating. However, a few years on they are now parents together and are marrying. I respect them for how they dealt with it, what I can't respect are those who do stuff like this and then continue to inflict endless pain on the other party by whatever means possible in order to somehow "justify" what they have done. Anyway, I am rambling now...you know what I mean!

I make slow and steady progress Hobbit I have managed two meals today, although, oddly for a Lady Who Lunches A Lot, I skipped that because I'm a contrary bitch.

Then I gone t'pub for a few hours, then I came home in the DeathTrap Mobile.

I live a dangerous life me.

However, I've also made a plan. I have decided that post-marriage, I shall be having a mid-life crisis all of my own. Because I do things the proper way round. And I'm tell all yous now, so you can't say I'm being deceptive.

I am not happy with how my life is going. I would like to change that.

My name is WWK and I am having a mid life crisis beginning March 18th.

See? It's not hard to do. I didn't shout at anyone. I didn't deceive anyone. I have not told a single lie in the writing of this post. I even managed to avoid having sex with anyone in the typing of this.

I am outstanding me.

The Dumpers really are the useless shits in our lives. Can't even communicate their thoughts adequately.

Big hugs to you all going through this shit - especially Green - keep strong.

We never did anything to create this huge wave of anger they direct at us.

The difference between us and them is that we took out marriage vows seriously and not just saw it as an expensive day out. Can we not get them for breach of contract?

My dad paid for our wedding and now he's helping me to divorce the bastard. But I found out tonight that my stbxh is actually slagging my dad off.

My mum has just passed away after 51 years of marriage and my dad is devastated. He has been a rock to me and my two girls so what f ing right does that fuckwit have to say anything about my dad.

Plus my birthday is the same day as fuckwit so this year I shall be officially changing it.

P.S. I too have got names for the stbxh and the ow - it's Dumb and Dumber.

MrsC what a coincidence that you have joined this thread. I started reading your original thread, pretty much in real time, then in the last few days I've picked it up again. I'm still on the original thread at the moment.

What you were saying about the OW and their behaviour after the affair has become known to the spouse...yes I too am victim of a very nasty piece of work, and always have been throughout the affair. I haven't posted about recent events because I need to place an emotional distance between it for my own peace of mind. I know of one OW who apologised to the wife when he left, and she did everything possible to be nice to her kids. I also know of a man who held his hands up and took full responsibility for his affair and departure, and who fully supports his wife and child in every way. As iI say, I'm behind on your current situation, but where you were at p33 of your original thread, that is me. He is totally taken in by her and she continues to twist the knife and manipulate things. So far he has been financially trustworthy, but after receiving an email recently, to which I alluded on this thread, I wonder if he too will turn out like the rest of them.

Your comments what I can't respect are those who do stuff like this and then continue to inflict endless pain on the other party by whatever means possible in order to somehow "justify" what they have done.. Exactly! I texted something similar to my ex recently, it's on this thread.

Morning all, will catch up other posts later this evening.

I had a dream about the OW last night. Except she was nice and friendly. Ha, wishful thinking!

I think I've had one dream about HIM since he left. I'm not surprised though that I had that dream last night. That is after reading that email on Friday. It's concrete proof that she really is a class A spiteful, manipulative, mentally unstable bitch. I will say no more about this at the moment. I've had a good weekend and I like them not being in my head.

Hi MrsC, it's lovely to have you join us on this thread, WWK has mentioned your epic struggle with the both of those bastards, words fail me at their contemptible behaviour, I really don't know how to express my admiration for the way you have dealt with all the shit they have sent your way. I hope you and your children are ok, as you know my son has Aspergers as well, is your youngest coping with the change? Tbh, our household is a lot happier since he left, I just worry that we won't be able to stay here, I love this house, but don't know if we can afford to stay here, as he wants his half of it.
I think we will have to go to mediation, I really don't know if I can be in the same room as him at the moment, he disgusts me, and I know you are supposed to be calm and detached, and I don't know if I can fake that.

Maybe I'll just wait for him to initiate the financial plans, it doesn't benefit me to rush things through, but I feel in a strange limbo, not married, yet not divorced. I know all of you will feel similar to this, it's a bit of a headfuck isn't it. Keep on dancing, everyone, xx