Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

Go to bed Hobbit - or else how can I talk about you behind your back?

Good post by the way.

KOKO. WWK.

Colour I too with the Iwas thread. As for this thread, it sounds like you've read it all. I won't repeat my story therefore because I don't really want to focus on it. But I just wanted to say I entirely agree with you about not starting your recovery from zero. Yes me too. That intervening period was the real killer. Sorry this post is a bit short and not well written. I'm at work and in a rush. But yes we have a lot in common

colour -i echo everything the other ladies have said - i came here when at times i felt i had nowhere else to turn - lots of support in real life but needed that bit extra understanding - thats what you get here -

im feeling a bit "meh " today and blubbery! - think its V DAY on the tv all the time - prob results tomorrow too!

but adding to driftings souvenir story - have just broken a dish bought in france on our last holiday as was (although in hindsight things prob were already commencing) - I had just heard on tv "1 in 4 office flings end in marriage" & thought B88888D! the image on the dish - a chicken with the word "COCK" (yes spealt like that thats why i bought it!) but is there some significance to this

WWK thank you. I do believe in fake it until you make it. It's also dawning on me that I'm not going to come out of this unscathed and I have some really shit times ahead. I think you 're right I probably do need to just let out the pain rather than putting on a brave face.
Hobbit I have never experienced pain like I did in that 6 months. At least now that is over and I can get on with healing rather than be set back to zero each time I made a new discovery (historic rather than new contact-did not know about that ) about the affair. I just found out about the phones and that has shaken me to the core thinking of the planning and execution of that. It was so deliberate. I just cannot recognise the man I married who I would have defined and loyal and decent (if completely lacking in emotional intelligence and empathy) but I imagine that's true for most of us. We didn't consciously marry lying duplicitous shits who would build a family only to tear it apart! I think I agree it would be easier to get over a bereavement. The happy memories would remain unsullied ( and I'd get the life assurance)
Family I'm sorry you've been through this too.I'm sorry that you are down at the moment. I am trying to hold onto the fact that it will pass. Each day I try to count my blessings. I have the love and support of my adult children, amazing friends and family. He has one damaged, vile woman. I keep telling myself that my life is on the up, however long that takes, whereas his is only going to get worse as the true horror of the damage he has caused slowly dawns on him. At the moment he seems to be in a fog and doesn't grasp that.
I'm sorry if I missed anyone in my reply. Thank you all so much for taking the time to offer your support. You are a lovely group of women (and man Drifting

Sorry strike though didn't work. I'm a novice. I'll get there!

Green sorry I just noticed your response. I have felt so sad at all you have been dealing with. Your story of the dish made me laugh though.

I am going away for the weekend to stay with DS2 in another country. I'm so glad not to be home alone on V day. I don't know why. It's not like it was a special day for us.

Sorry for the multiple posts. Bear with me. I'll eventually work it out! Izzie it's comforting about your experience. I feel that the pain of the last 6 months had to count for something!

Just keep posting whatever and whenever you want, Colour, there are no rules or judgements here, there is always someone about to help out or just offer a virtual shoulder to cry on, you are doing marvellously well considering what has happened. KOKO , x

Also colour the finding out as we both did and the final insult of the moving in with them. You're doing well though. I've been told I am. Well at one month after he left I was still struggling at work I believe. He left 31 oct.

Valentines say we didn't do much anyway. So if they do anything it will be because she has sorted it out. As I've already said on this thread I believe, there was never any time to plan much cos of his bloody work. So she won't be getting special treatment. I was thinking tho of treating myself on v day. I love me! Except I'm not actually sure what to get myself! No flowers or chocs, no I want something nicer

I think that's a brilliant idea. We should all buy ourselves a Valentine's present. My birthday is soonish and I will definitely treat myself to something nice to celebrate both my birthday and the fact that despite all he has done I am still standing!
One of the hardest aspects for me was discovering that my workaholic husband who was always too busy for me and the family was during the time of his affair regularly leaving work early, taking long lunches and inventing work trips abroad, for 2 years. He has had a complete personality change. I need to keep telling myself I know longer know or love the person he has become.

Can completely identify with the personality change thing. He even looks like a different person. One I do not want anywhere near me!

Mine abandoned me and my very young children and now has a child due with the OW. He failed my kids so miserably yet all I can think about is what an excellent parent he's going to be to this new child. I know that is unlikely but it still hurts. Same sort of thing - they can be everything you wanted them to be with someone else yet not with you. It's hard not to take that personally.

I am going shopping on Saturday to get myself some new clothes so that will be my valentine's present to myself. Also planning a solo trip in the next couple of weeks to see a friend a long way away. Funny how he left presumably because he wanted the single life with no responsibilities but he has actually enabled me to have that life. Ha.

Family I can't even imagine the hurt of being left with young children, and then the pain of him starting a second family.
I could do with some new clothes but i'm not sure how long this slender(ish) separation diet figure will last. And to be honest I don't really have the energy. I'm also trying to be quite careful with money until I know just how finances will work out.
The solo trips are a bittersweet experience for me. I love being able to just say 'yes' to every opportunity and invitation and have reconnected with old friends I haven't seen for years. But the house feels quite empty when I get home.

same story here re work - tolerated the long hours, the weekend working even the work interrupted holidays -because I thought we were working towards the same end goal - ie everything for the kids and us at some point - yes i had some nice benefits along the way - but at the end of the day thats not really what its all about - If he had put more effort in as he seems capable of doing now perhaps he wouldnt have felt as he did - who knows - the truth of it all will reveal itself over time! but funny how now work seems to not be the main focus - so he has more time available but spends it with OW not his kids! think this is all part of the game too!

izzie the physical presence here is the same too as with you - had got used to him not being "available" much - the funny thing my kids know it was all me that did the "special" things - that put the "extra effort" in

i am up to about 5 counts now where he realised what the wife did behind the scenes! nothing major but still had to ask me!

not feeling quite so bright today - get results tomorrow

Green fingers crossed for your results tomorrow, a bit of anxiety and sadness can only be reasonable under the circumstances. What kind of things do you like doing to keep yourself occupied? (not internet stalkery!!).

Feel for you Green , I know from personal experience how harrowing that wait can be, the longest 2 weeks of my life. Sending you a big hug and

Valentine's schmalentines! Load of bumped up crap anyway!
I think it's a very good idea to buy ourselves anything we want,( not that I won't be sitting there thinking grim thoughts :( ) but hey-ho life goes on and another milestone clambered over, next is my birthday, and then my wedding anniversary. I am going to go away for both of those if I can, maybe visit my cousin in America, or have a weekend away with my bestie.

I have to do this while we still have joint bank accounts, gotta get it while I still can.

Family, my love, that's a very bitter pill to swallow, what an utter shite, I have the "rage" on your behalf. At least I will be spared that as he has had the "snip" long ago, I could perform the same for your ex with two bricks for a very reasonable fee, i.e totally fucking free, and it would give me immense satisfaction.

A little bit "ragey" today, that must be St Valentines fault !

Colour, keep posting honey, I am a bit bonkersville as WWK proclaims, but it comes from the heart., xx

Haha Hobbit your offer to family has made me lol in work.

Oohh Hobbit me first with the bricks! In fact can we just stand them all in a row and take turns?????.....please?

Feeling extremely "ragey" today as he cancelled his Mediation appointment - pressures of work couldn't be arsed to fill in his paperwork after having had 2 months to do so

To family - no, no personality change...he was always a twat. However I've come to the realisation that I was a bit of one too for not realising it!

Oooohh bobsy my love what a fantastic idea! You can join me gang! Welcome aboard, the good ship Hobbit,:) the fault is not yours in not recognising a twat when you see one, you probably want to see the good in people and were fooled by a duplicitous twunt of the first degree.

Need to go and earn a crust now, Izzie will take on my persona while I am away, and look after the thread and all who sail in her.

Ta-ra for a bit, xx

Thanks Hobbit I know it's your thread but nice to find one where everyone shares IYSWIM

Quick back-story - married 21 years to an EAsing insidious control-freak, never really much of a marriage, Now separated, me in terrace with 2 DDs and the dog, him in luxury appartment twice the size.

DDs 21 & 17 have nothing to do with him - DD1 has even changed her surname. Both on anxiety meds, one referred to CAMHS. If I went near the GP I'd probably be on meds as well - anxiety attacks etc. However I use MN, the gym and reasonably copious amounts of Aldi sherry which helps

Done the NISI a year ago along with solicitors and their bills. Now referred to Mediator who seems pretty good and I don't think will let things go on too longs before deciding court might be the best option - something to do with cancelling meetings and not producing paperwork (all voluntary you know!!!)

I have assets, he has a good job and pension. He wants half of my assets.
(I had a part time job but that's fizzled out probably because I was crap because I couldn't concentrate)

Anyway, going now coz I'm even boring myself

ere izzie - that stuff we were saying earlier about photos! one word PATHETIC!

thanks all for wishes for tomorrow - i have had company today so been distracted (most of the time)
colour sounds like a grand idea - hope you enjoy it!
well - im over it - when you can spot the game somehow doesn't quite have the same effect - just makes them look like a pair of sad twunts!
who knew that withdrawing intimacy was a form of control too - thought it was the ADs!
bobs welcome to the ship - don't disappear - have played the mediation game too - given up on that realised it was just a delaying tactic despite DH saying wants it sorted ASAP
my DD has just made me shed a tear - has bought me some flowers as with DH this weekend guess who had to take her to the shop & pay for them

Hi green no I won't disappear!!! Been on MN pretty well since it started on and off - more on atm. Was advised to LTB over 10 years ago on here but people weren't quite as strident/well-informed in those days!

Hmmm think stbx is just using delaying tactics too

Coincidence - DD1 arrived back from uni today with roses & lilies, plus chocs and a card for me...so sweet

Oh yes - the withdrawing intimacy bit - do you mean sex? I remember it well....it was 2008 and he kept on saying how much he wanted "it" with me but despite my efforts - suggestions we have it now, tomorrow, next week, next month...year, offering to change into something sexy, pretty well begging etc etc he then just made excuses. In 2009 I then took back control and decreed that sex was never never going to happen again!!! Of course he went off bleating that his DW didn't want sex any more with him...did I care? not a jot Oh the power