Still finding it hard to move on......

[Hobbitwife001]

Hello everyone, this is a continuation of my previous thread, so a big welcome to everyone who participated on that one, and hello to anyone new who would like to join in this one.

A little recap of my story, my husband of 27 years left four months ago for another woman that I considered a friend. We live in a small village, and he has moved in with her and her son around the corner from the family home.

I have two sons at home with me, they are 23 and 19, the youngest has Asperger's syndrome and dyspraxia.

I am having counselling to help me get over the massive shock of his betrayal, for months I couldn't sleep or eat very much and started to suffer panic attacks and anxiety.

At the moment I am at the nisi stage of our divorce, I have petitioned for unreasonable behaviour. I am now trying to get the best settlement I can before I apply for the absolute. Needless to say, he is trying not to provide any provision for my youngest son, and has put forward a 50/50 proposal for division of the assets.

So, let's carry on ladies shall we?

So - ex has just posted this on Faceb* - it's not you, it's me finally realising you're terrible for me - he is such a complete and utter prat. What 41 year old feels it is "cool" to post crap like that!! And who is it supposed to be aimed at - do you know what the guy is a plonker!!

I know it is not supposed to but it has actually made me laugh...

drifting dogs seem to somehow understand our emotions don't they? I remember not long after I discovered my ex was having an affair tears rolling down and a dog, not even mine, came and put its head on my lap and looked at my as if to say 'Don't worry I can make it all better'. I think you are doing well. It's only been a few weeks hasn't it? At that stage I was a confused heartbroken mess, it took about four months before I decided what I was going to do, you need time to get your head straight.

Thanks Tabby

Strong it makes me laugh. They have moved on to happier pastures, allegedly. In which case, why are they not just getting on with things, instead of trying to score cheap points with sayings copied and pasted from some twat website?? Methinks they doth protest too much

Strong here's another one for him......pride comes before a fall

strong my DH said something like that - "cant wait to be shot off you because you drain my fountain of goodness" - something like that - obviously straight out the mouth of his counsellor at the time - kept me amused for ages -
errrh the reason you are not shot of me is cos you wont provide the answers!
izzie exactly - what is the purpose of all these photos? to convince themselves and everyone else "its ok what we've done cos look how in love we are" or wind me up - why are they bothered?

some of you may like to read this - sums up my situation perfectly - narcisstic personality

www.goodtherapy.org/blog/silent-treatment-a-narcissistic-persons-preferred-weapon-0602145

Just remember my number six bullet point ladies and gent;
And that will tell you all you need to know about the reasons they do the things they do;

1. Because they are complete cunts.

Evening everyone.

No. 7 Because they are selfish bastards and thought they could do whatever they wanted and didn't care about anyone other than themselves and because some stupid woman (or man) was daft enough to actually say yes and therefore should be sent to the funny farm

Paddlin Nope don't get frustrated. Always remained calm . Never use physical violence against walls , people .... I have been quite verbally violent towards her recently, especially hearing that Ed Sheeran song, beautiful song, just the wrong time of my life to hear it & hate it. Off goes the radio .

Tabby yep very recent just two months so wobbles / tears / anger / voodoo / but each day adds to one more week and my RL support see the changes , you ladies do , but I admit to my wobbles & my RL see them first hand. I don't mind, I am allowed them , they're free. The tears today were the first in weeks though , I was surprised , but afterwards went running and once showered , dinner , dog walk , washing up ( wahoo ) & MN . So lifes good for a wee while longer !

Well he did take the kids out to tea tonight and had to post that as well - does that earn him dad of the year award? A whole 45mins spent with them.

I can't wait for tomorrow's smart comment - they are actually amusing me...obviously not the intention at all.

Green - your comment did make me laugh!!

This week's challenge - I haven't thrived yet so far. Had quite a few 'meh' moments mainly housework related. I have bought an exercise bike - I have never done that before so I'm hoping that might count. I haven't actually gone on it properly yet, but it is a start. (the shop has run out of the Easter Eggs I was buying - I think it might be down to me!! so am having to buy a different one ) Need to learn the IT skill too.

Hi everyone. Just a very quick one from me. Thank you for your concern green and everyone else. I'm doing ok I guess. Hoping it's just a phase but feel like I've gone back 6 months. Keep thinking about all the lies. All the time I spent caring for a newborn and toddler on my own thinking he was ill. She must be something special for him to have thrown everything away for.

On a positive I have joined a gym today and am going to try and focus my energy on getting myself fit. The divorce diet has worked well but I need to tone up and I'm hoping exercise will encourage me to eat more healthily (had 2 digestives and a hot chocolate for my dinner this evening).

Anyway. Hope you're doing ok. Finance coming up soon so trying to mentally prepare myself for the next battle. WWK glad you're SHL sorted things - hope things are still under control.

Friendly (yet slightly sad) wave to you all.

Family the last sentence of your first paragraph. It's not about her, it's about him. You've just hit one of those phases in all of this, and your confidence is low. Fingers crossed that it will pass quickly for you. You're doing some things just for you, and I hope these things soon make you feel better. I'm sure they will. Big hugs xx

Green I am (for five more horrendous weeks) married to a 'master of communications'. I'm a woman who is [historically] stellar at communication/negotiation' (with accompanying paperwork, work experience and various 'awards').

The fact we're relying on a judge to sort out this 'merry mess' tells you all you need to know about the importance of communication and the skill of negotiation...

Sometimes even the brightest of brains, and the most softest of dicks, on whom we rely on to 'come', means we need to seek alternative stimulation to come to terms with 'all the circumstances' of the case.

That be divorce.

Drifting sorry you feel that you may have been led a merry dance on the reconciliation front. You can't switch off your feelings for someone because they have cheated on you so I think it's inevitable that we have a wobble in that respect sometimes. Good that you sound positive and are getting real life (and doggy) support too.

Green you are clearly doing a lot of thinking about everything that has happened. I think there is definitely a process where you feel that you NEED to understand why it has all happened and hopefully you will get there in your thinking. Your SHL believed in you enough to send your email without alteration because you can and should express yourself, the problem was him not you. You sound so much stronger and is lovely.

Hobbit I roared at "flaprot" How did you manage to do a Zebra, I thought we were all IT wizards now!?

WWK they certainly act like kids sometimes. My children seem to get it far more than my husband does!

Strong good to hear that you have a much nicer atmosphere at home now.

Paddling my ex-dh (gulp I actually said ex) didn't hit walls or anything when he was angry, at least not that I am aware of. He'd get annoyed if he was trying to repair something and it wasn't going well and chuck the spanner or whatever on the floor and go "fucking thing" but it was always an irritation with something that he was trying to do rather than during a conversation or suchlike.

Izzie great you are in a nice place at the moment. You do seem a lot happier and sound calmer. I bet it is satisfying chatting to him while OW is in the house.

Hello Tabby animals seem to sense a lot, they seem to pick up on emotions far better than men do! I always think that you must have a cat from your username!

Strong he put that on facebook just to try and upset you? Prat is far too kind. Pleased it's had the opposite effect. I know a lot of people advocate no contact and I can see why, but I think contact helps me see him for what he is sometimes.

Green "fountain of goodness!!" oh dear, I am not surprised you were amused.

Family sorry you feel you have gone backwards. I very much doubt she is something special but in any case she hasn't got anyone special has she? She's got an unfaithful man who hurt his family and he isn't worth having. Exercise does help in feeling a bit better so hopefully the gym will help. KOKO. x

WWK counting down the days, five weeks will be here before you know it.

Hi you lovely brave people. I'm delurking to join your thread and post my story. I've been following Iwas' story since the very beginning. At times it was too painful too read as I too discovered my husband's affair in July2014, one month after our 25th wedding anniversary. He ended the affair, said all the right things, did all the right things, gave me passwords to his email and phone and was fully accountable for all his time. We had the hysterical bonding, 6 months of MC, romantic weekends and a wonderful Christmas. I genuinely thought we had fallen back in love and we would be among the survivors; that we would come through it. He left on 9 January to move in with OW and it transpires they had been in contact all along ( she had provided his and hers second phones - how sweet). She left her teenage family and husband and they moved in together in our area the same day.
The first weekend I spent sobbing under a blanket on friend's sofa. Then gradually day by day I felt a bit better, a bit stronger and everyone tells me they can't believe how well I'm doing. I cope with work, daily life and can socialise. I tell everyone that I would not take him back if he crawled through broken glass to beg me. And yet, and yet I can't believe what he has done to me and our family and I would do anything to turn back the clock. This week, one month in I have cried every evening, at home on my own.

I've been watching all your journeys and know that the ups and downs are expected and normal. I just want to fast-forward to when I'll feel normal again. I know it will happen but I know that it will take time but it's so difficult to feel like this. Anyway sorry for venting and I hope you don't mind me coming late to the party. I envy the support and camaraderie. I'm lucky to have lots or RL support but sometimes you just need to share with someone who really understands the pain and feeling of isolation.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through Colour especially as you could have been well down the road to healing by now had he moved in with her last July instead of stringing you along all these months. I know very well that feeling of desperately wanting to turn back time but one day you won't feel that way any more or at least not very often. For now lean on all the support that is offered and cry as much as you need.

Iwas you are quite right I am a cat person. I think dogs are more sensitive to our emotions but I do love having a cat for company.

Tabby thanks so much for your response. I do agree and I could have forgiven the affair but never the cruelty of the last 6months. Having said that I don't think that my recovery is starting from zero. In the last 6 months although we had some great times I had the opportunity to ask all the questions ( even though I now know the answers were often lies) and nothing I feel now compares to the raw pain I felt at times during that period. The hard bit is to reconcile the man who for 23 years was a loyal and decent husband with the lies and cruelty of the last 2 years (affair started in November 2012). It's horrible how many if us are going through this.

Welcome Colour, you are not late too the party, you are just joining in...

Sob your heart out, come here and tell us about it. No one here is going to kick you up the arse about that. We've all done it/still doing it/managing it per quota.

Firstly, whilst I totally accept the 'fake it to you make it' mentality, Hobbit, who is the queen of beautifulness and sassiness (and bonkersville) undoubtedly will endorse me saying: this is the place where you say 'Shit, this is hard'.

But the She Who Is Rather Small has gone to bed, and left me to speak for her...

So start talking about your hardship, and stop giving yourself a hard time. We are here to listen and let you talk about it. So, start talking woman, and don't apologise for doing so.

KOKO.

Hi colour. I am so sorry for what you have been through. I can't imagine how hard those 6 months must have been only for him to leave anyway. I guess the positive is that when you look back you can safely say you gave the marriage absolutely everything you had. He did not and it is his loss.

The lies he told me are something I am struggling with at the moment and he too carried on lying even when I knew the truth. It went on for a few weeks so nothing like yours but it was crazy making - why not just come clean? I'll never understand it and I guess that's ok - I don't want to be able to understand how someone can behave like that and treat the people who cared most about him so appallingly. I shall leave him to it.

I have found that the ups and downs are to be expected and embraced. Even though I am in a 'down' at the moment, I know now it will pass at some point. One of my children will say something that snaps me out of it, or I'll have a good laugh with a friend, or achieve something on my own that I wouldn't have done before. I know I'll be ok in the end, I just need to get there.

colour like everyone on this thread you have been put through a horrendous ordeal but at the same time I see a strength and determination that can be observed in every one of us (myself included when I'm up to it). We will get through this and eventually we will see we are so much better off.

iwas no she hasn't got anything special. How she can be with him knowing what he is capable of is beyond me. Arrogance or stupidity that he won't do the same to her. I'll leave them to it.

Izzie thank you, me too. You seem so much brighter, it's lovely to see. x

Hello Colour, you are welcome to have our support and advice, I am so sorry to hear your sadly all too familiar story.
It takes a special kind of weak and cowardly man that would deceive you in such a callous way. I bet they got a twisted kick out of using their duplicate phones to make you believe that the affair had ended. Why do that? Why pretend to reconcile and then carry on the lies. My ex did that to me as well, when he was seen holding hands with her in our local pub, one of our friends confronted him, and said if he didn't tell me about her himself, then he would the next day.
He did tell me, but said it was just an emotional,affair, and they had not had sexual contact. I had challenged him for the previous six months that she was more than a friend but he constantly denied it, and said I was paranoid and deluded.
I had already sunk pretty low by this time, and had lost weight, wasn't sleeping and was anxious all the time. He then stayed for another six weeks , saying he would never leave me and my son, and that we would grow old together. He cut contact with her by text and phone(he said ) and stopped going to cycling and social events where he knew she would be present.
But he would not show me his FB or delete her number from his phone, but would check my phone. I went away to visit a friend for the night and on the next day he said he was leaving for her. I think he was still in touch with her all the time, just like your husband and I certainly believe they were having a physical affair, although he would never admit to it.
I know the pain you are feeling, I sympathise totally, it is almost harder to bear than a bereavement, as they have actively chosen to inflict this betrayal upon us, and twist the knife with lies and deceit.
That is the sticking point with me, how can these people ( him and her) look me in the eye, and lie, and cheat and all the while have their sordid little affair? It doesn't get any lower than that as someone whose only crime was to be a trusting spouse.
Sorry this is long, but I just wanted to help,you realise that you are not in isolation, unfortunately it is all too common. Our stories are quite similar, i am a bit further along, and want you to know there is a light at the end of this fucking long tunnel, take all the help,you can in RL, gather your family and friends around you, we are here to talk to as well, I have found it a real lifeline, to be able to vent and cry and rant without being judged.
I hope you will carry on posting, love and strength to you and your children, xx

I'm still up WWK !
But going to sleep now.....zzzzz

I'm still up because one of my friends, the lovely scousegirl, is quite poorly at the moment, she has a DVT, and I am worried about her, she has also lost her mum not long ago, and is very depressed.
So,really, my problems with fuckface and bitchface pale in comparison, so i shall KOKO and boogie on to the next stage in this farce we call divorce....